Citation: Le Chef. "Questioning Existence Itself: An Experience with DMT (exp115383)". Erowid.org. Apr 29, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115383
First Time DMT. "Overdose", Melting/Reassembly
I am a former drug addict, having been sober for over five years, I decided I wanted to try psychedelics I hadn't tried before. The opportunity came to me as I was visiting my hometown and got in contact with an old buddy of mine. He asked me if I wanted to try DMT and I said yes. We traveled to my place where my friend brought with him a vaporizer usually used to smoke nicotine oil, but he had removed the cotton so that just the coil was left, and he also had an empty mouthpiece which, when put together, meant you could smoke substances directly on the coil.
He tried explaining, to the best of his capability, what I was about to experience, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to embark. We started putting 20mg on the coil, pressing the vape button a few times so the DMT would melt down and not fall off the coil. I took a big hit, but nothing happened. There was no smoke, but I could sort of taste the DMT in my mouth. We waited five minutes and I wanted to try again. This time we put 30 mg on the coil, melted it down, and I tried taking another hit. The same thing happened again. Nothing.
We decided to put 50mg on the coil, and this time, my buddy noticed that we had to press "OK" on the vaporizer for it to accept the coil and enable proper burning. This time it worked. I could feel the smoke going down in my lungs and the effect coming instantly. I blew out the smoke almost directly, and everything began to spiral. The spirals came from the outside of my view, moving towards the center, and within a split second my entire vision was changed.
My buddy said "Yeah you're GONE. That was a lot"
The TV and the speakers in front of me, which were actually colored black, with orange elements on the speakers, became all white with a sort of slight pink tone to it, and the speakers elements went from orange circles, to white/pink flowers before eventually becoming a mass of tiny squares, shifting shape a bit and changing colour to a large scale of green colours. It was like being in a video game.
The whole scene drifted abit to the left and into the distance, and at this point I think I closed my eyes. I do not remember everything correctly, and it's very hard to explain exactly what happened. I do believe I had some sort of amnesia and forgot a lot of the trip, but eventually, after what had felt like an eternity, I had a split second of clarity where I remembered I was tripping. At this point I saw the room, I saw the couch, the table, the chairs in the living room, and it was all colored in different shades of white.
This is when the most uncomfortable experience I've ever had, hit me. I could see the world, myself and everything, spinning rapidly and eventually melting down to a light yellow platter of colour. I felt a disgusting, warm and unpleasant feeling in what I believe was my mouth area, but at the time it felt like my entire body felt this way. The platter of colour started spinning again and eventually straightened out into orange and red lines with a black background. At this point, I was terrified.
Being in this space, with the lines, felt sooooo familiar. Like I've been there before, and I questioned my entire existence up to that point. I started thinking that I had been torn apart, and that nothing in my life mattered anymore. Existence and the life I had was only an idea made by my conscience and life is never ending. I thought that life was only these orange and red lines, and that I had to imagine my life again to get back to where I was.
I even had a feeling of greed because I thought that if life was just a part of my imagination, I could just imagine myself a wealthier life. This was a scary thought, because imagining a new life, over what I already had, seemed like a big task and eventually I just wanted to get back to where I was. In the apartment, with my buddy next to me.
Eventually the lines, which came to lines by spinning counter-clockwise, now began spinning the other way and I started returning to reality. I opened my eyes and saw my buddy. He was shaking and told me he was so sorry for what I had been through. He asked me if I was alright. At this point, everything in the room were made up of spirals. There were green spirals, perfectly rounded all around my buddy. It was like he was glowing energy. I said I wanted to stand up, and as I did, I blinked and kept my eyes shut, and there the lines were again. This time I felt I was so close to being back to reality, but then the lines appeared again as I closed my eyes, and I felt trapped in this space. I became frustrated and almost cried. My buddy gave me a hug and said It'll be over soon.
I started coming back to my senses again and I had this immense feeling of energy, ecstasy and being mind-blown. I started panicking because I was disoriented and I had a meeting with someone later that evening, so I checked my phone a lot, ran around the apartment trying to pick up clothes to put on, but I was so unfocused, I couldn't do anything. My buddy suggested I take a shower and relax for five minutes, which I did, and things starting falling into place. I remembered where I was, what I was doing and what my plans were for the day. I was myself again.
My buddy told me that I was only gone for 15 minutes, and for the first five minutes I seemed petrified. I was shaking vigorously and held my hands up in front of my chest, protecting myself. My Buddy did not want to touch me, or speak to me, cause he didn't want to be "that alien" and interfere with my trip. All he did was to ensure me that it will pass, and also he was breathing heavily in hopes I would do the same. My eyelids were moving rapidly as well. At some point It seemed as if I was choking and It also seemed like I was about to throw up. My eyelids were moving rapidly as well. For the last ten minutes, I calmed and sat still.
At some point in the trip I heard my buddy say that I was dying. This is when I had that awful taste and feeling in my body. I heard him say "you're dying, you took too much, the ambulance is on the way. You're dying, you're dead.". This did not actually happen. I also heard a strangers voice say "Yes! I've got you now. You're in my space". This is something I've recalled two days after the trip.
It has now been four days after the trip and I suffer psychological after-effects. Depression, immense sadness, with feelings fluctuating from sadness to gratitude, and a feeling of perspective. I have trouble falling asleep for fear of falling back into the space with the lines. When I wake up, I wake up in panic, jump out of bed and believe I'm still tripping, when I'm actually just drowsy and unable to focus properly.
I would not recommend the dose to anyone. I do not want to experience this again, yet I am still curious to understand what exactly happened, and I've already played with the thought of smoking another time. If I can be certain I will return from the trip, I feel like I would like to try it again, but right now, I'm questioning existence itself - so I'll let DMT be for a later time. I wish I did not smoke it so ignorantly.
DMT hits like a brick, and there's no stopping it.
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