Citation: Lazarius. "Friend One Second Away From Suicide: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp115352)". Erowid.org. Apr 28, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115352
This is by far the most intense Yage ceremony I've been to this moment and even if it's quite a while ago, I feel this is a kind of story, that shows how a ceremony can go out of control and be very dangerous for the whole group.
To the day of the ceremony I'd had four years of experience with many Ayahuasca / Yage and San Pedro ceremonies, Rapé, Kambô and other natural medicines, but none of them could prepare me for this one.
The main reason why I went to this ceremony is because I wanted to clear a dispute I had with a good friend. I'll call him D. He also is known for all the ceremonies and events he organizes around the area I've lived at this time. Inviting tribes from Brazil, experienced medicine people from Europe and Taitas (healer level) from Colombia like in this ceremony.
The Colombian Taita to this day is acknowledged worldwide, but I'm sure that he had not experienced a ceremony like this either. But thinking about that, reminds me that he had mentioned a ceremony in which someone at some point, attacked him with a machete and almost killed him, because he thought, he's the devil.
So after thinking a long time about going to the ceremony I finally decided to go and to clear my friendship with D. Also I'd like to get to know the Taita who's about to come and experience the ceremony in Spanish (my second native language) which I had not experienced for a long time ago.
With a very mixed weird mental and emotional sense of self (like always before ceremony in my case) I am going on a one hour drive to my friend's little ceremony house next to a forest. I am one of the first ones arriving at my friend's place in the evening and after giving D a good ol' friend hug, I get to know the Taita and his friend who's helping guide the ceremony (God bless him forever, you'll see later why). The Taita is a very young guy which surprises me, but I felt that he had a lot of experience.
We are eight people in the first night in a little garden house, so little, that we perfectly fit in (two guys on each side). I am in front of the Taita and his helper and I will be translating the whole two nights which was a nice task to train my memory and other mental abilities. On the right wall sits D and an other friend we'll call J. On my left sits a friend called E and on the left wall are sitting two women.
Introducing the first night ceremony, the Taita mentions how strong and long cooked his medicine is (six day reducing procedure. Normally like two to three days) and that on one occasion, they had to tighten a wild gone guy to a tree, because of the strong effects. This little information already bothered me a bit about this night, but I thought everything is gonna be alright.
As the Taita serves the first cup to a woman almost as much volume as a coffee mug I am even more bothered about how this will end... The woman refused to drink it all, which the Taita was not happy about and tried to convince her. I can not remember perfectly if she drank all or not, but at some moment it was my turn. I drink it all and feel almost immediately some little effects. Immediately I feel that this medicine is way more powerful than I have experienced before.
The first night was pretty calm. Incredible oe and ce visuals. Beautiful stories from the Taita from the Colombian indigenous tribes and a lot of music in which I also took a part with guitar. There were some hardcore confusing moments, but this was still something I could handle. D and me could clean some things between us, but there were still some stuff to look at. This night almost everyone drank two cups. I'm sure everyone enjoyed this night very much and I will not go more into details, because the really intense night is the next one.
The next day everyone is happy and talking about their experiences. The Taita and me become very connected and I'm also very good with the helper I'll name him R. We have really nice conversations before the next ceremony.
(I wonder how often you already counted the word "ceremony" by the way)
So the second "night" is always stronger than the first one, because the aftereffects of the medicine last some more days. Before we began, another participant came to us.
T+ 00:00 After a little talk we started and the same huge cups were served to the group as the day before. In the force of the first cup everything was still okay, but I felt with one more, it would be a pretty dangerous thing. We talked a lot and made music. I really enjoyed the stories of the Taita and the vibe of the group.
T+ 3:00 Than the Taita initiated the second cup round. Nobody really wanted to have another, but the Taita said that we should not deny the medicine out of fear, which sounded right at the moment. So this night, everyone took the second cup. In the beginning everything felt under control and I freestyled on the guitar like never before. At some moment the medicine grew stronger and stronger and stronger...
T+ 5:00 I did not know to which level this were going. My friend D and me started to communicate telepathically and then I came over to him. This was the deepest feeling of forgiveness I ever felt. Both of us were in the same position forgiving each other.
I went back to my place and tried to center myself.
T+ 5:30 Trying to get my head straight I start to hear hesitating noises. D stood up and is completely naked... The Taita and helper tried to calm him down and asked him to dress up again. I felt that D was totally out of it and I got worried. At least they could make him put his pants back on, but the vibes remained with him. He was still standing when he rapidly headed to an open oven with fire inside. The helper could drag him away and D stopped trying this. After almost burning his head, D went outside and the Taita and helper followed fast. I felt also responsible and came after them finding them next to the outdoor kitchen, when D head to me with the most frightening vibe I've ever felt. I barely could handle his view in my eyes but I knew that I'm holding him in that moment. Everything around us was standing still. Time went crazy. He asked me then to do a blood brother ceremony and wanted to get a knife. I tried to calm him down, because having him have a knife in his hand was the last thing I wanted in his mental state. I could not get him off his idea and tried to reverse the situation, by allowing him to take a knife with the intention to take it in a relaxed way from him. He ran three steps to the kitchen to get a knife while the guides are trying to stop him. The medicine effects were getting still stronger to the level I could not handle in the moment anymore. The next thing I see when I get back to earth is D trying to cut his throat with the knife already in his flesh and the helper hooking his own T-shirt over his throat to make a deeper cut not possible. In this moment, D looked like he hung himself with a T-shirt, his face total white and without life. The most shocking moment of my life to this day. The helper was able to save D from suicide and thanks to him, D got only a little cut on the left side of his throat, but his shirt had a certain amount of his blood all over. It did not bleed more, thank god. After this everyone went inside again. The other five participants stayed inside during all the craziness outside.
T+ 6:00 The vibes were still heavy and no one knew really, how this ceremony will continue.
If you think the medicine was now wearing off, you were very wrong...
It was incredibly hard for me to focus myself to the point I totally lost it. I lay on my back and went to a universe where nothing matters anymore. No age, no title, no situation, really nothing. Not even the worst moment of my life some minutes ago.
T+ 6:20 I started to laugh really hard at anything I took so serious in my life without end. Everyone was just listening to me. At one moment the Taita started to play a song, but I interrupted him with stupid movements and sounds I know from another crazy friend. For me it was pretty funny, but I'm sure not for the others. I never felt so free in my life like in this moment. Reminding me of D I started to laugh very hard again. I insulted him how stupid he is and that he should suck my dick... This is really a record night for me in many ways... This was also the most embarrassing moment in my life. Talking to D like this, after he almost killed himself... But there was really nothing I could take for serious anymore. It was beyond insanity, but a state of consciousness I had the chance to learn a lot from.
Time was standing completely still. I had my eyes open and I felt like I was flying in the universe, floating in existence itself. Infinity felt incredibly beautiful and all weight I ever had went off my shoulders. A feeling way beyond being able to describe in words. A whole different reality. I thought that I had transcended, I will be in this realm forever and accepted this.
T+ 10:00 Out of nothing I wake up laying on my side, opening my eyes and realizing that I'm still trippin balls. The timeless dimension went away, but even after sleeping some hours I needed a lot of effort to stay at least kind of stable. I realized everything that happened some hours ago and couldn't and don't wanted to believe it was all real. F.....ck!!! As I tried to sit up straight J said pretty sarcastically (my observation): "Good morning!". I was not sure how to handle all this. I looked around and everyone looked pretty weird and stressed. I just prayed to god, it was not because of me. The vibes were still very intense and not relaxed at all and I'm still frying hard. It felt like D could go crazy at any moment again. Everyone felt this. D started to complain that no one took care of the water and that no one helped him with tidying the things inside his little house... I could not believe what he was saying after all... He started to guilt the Taita for what happened and mentioned the other ceremony the Taita was planning later at the house but in some months. D was the only one putting his finger upwards with a smile full of craziness. The vibes were unbearable. One of the two women started to put D in his place and said that he had the responsibility for himself. The Taita tried also to explain himself, but D was in his rage where nothing enters his consciousness. The Taita looked very weak, maybe because he drank three cups last night to try to handle me he told me later. There was a vegetarian chili ready to eat, but no one was hungry. Everyone felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave. The Taita and his helper left first. We all helped to clean the house to leave it nice. I heard D saying in one moment, while we were cleaning, that he would end IT after every participant is gone. This sounded like he just wanted to be heard... So after some time we were all ready and people were leaving. I had been with D to the end and told him, that I'll be there for him whatever happens. After some minutes I took my stuff and drove home.
D did not kill himself afterwards and he's good to this day I'm writing this. I met him some weeks later and was seriously bothered about the encounter. I imagined him pointing a gun at me, but this was luckily not the case. He said that he felt that I was manipulating him during the ceremony and gave me the guilt for his actions. I couldn't take this seriously and told him my viewpoint of all that happened. It was a short meeting and I left to go back home. From that day until now, we're more like guys who know each other.
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