Citation: Bodylove. "Showed Me What Was Possible: An Experience with MDMA (exp115280)". Erowid.org. Mar 11, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115280
I am 40 years old and I have had MDMA many times in the context of parties and festivals. I have never done MDMA assisted therapy and here is what happened to me.
I have never done MDMA assisted therapy and here is what happened to me.
I found a therapist that is willing to do this underground work. We had 3 sessions before the MDMA sessions, to build trust and to discuss my intention and what to do in case of emotional distress. Her role as a therapist and any question I had was answered during these sessions. We talked about how to focus on the theme I wanted to work on, which was accepting the shape and size of my body.
On the day, I had to bring my drug as she didn’t provide it. I have a really good source of MDMA, and I brought 100mg of crystal MDMA in a capsule. I tested it before and the quality was really good.
Her room was set up very nicely. There was a comfortable couch, nice dim light, cushions, blankets and music, which I brought with me in case I didn’t like her choice. I had a light breakfast and I took the cap around 11am. I then laid down on the couch and we did some breathing exercises for relaxation. Around midday I started feeling it coming on. As I was breathing it was a slow progression. I started feeling a warm sensation around my body, but it wasn’t too strong. The music was enjoyable and I was feeling super nice.
Around 1pm I began to peak. I felt strong tingling around my entire body and rapid palpitations. I was used to be dancing by now, so being laying down was a completely different experience. I had the realisation that I needed to trust being in my body, which I have never really done. The therapists helped me by reminding me of some of the breathing we have been practicing. I felt scared, and I felt I didn’t want to be “in” this body. I started feeling an intense energy in my abdomen, it started radiating to my chest. I kept reminding my mantra “surrender”, which at the point made so much sense, surrender to this body. Letting go, let that energy flow freely, to all my cells and all my muscles and veins and organs. That energy who felt like shame at the beginning has been there for as long as I can remember, but I was never quite able to identify it. All I knew was that it was familiar.
I started thinking about my body, and how much a part of me has been trying to change it all my life. I never felt enough, no matter what. I started to remember all the diets I did, all the sacrifices, all the fastings, and exercise routines. All the “magic” pills, and magic cleanses, and magic “lifestyle” changes. All of that was rooted in this shame I was feeling. It was the first time I “saw’ what I have been doing to my body. All those decisions, was never from a place of self love or self care, but from self loathing. I started crying uncontrollably, it was a bit scary, but also felt like a purge. As if I was crying out the hate, the shame, all the messages I have received every day from media, from friends, from family, that I have to shrink my body in order to be accepted and respected. As I was crying the shame started to feel like love, and compassion for what I have been through. Not self pity, but self compassion. This body, has been with me every second of my life, and I have done nothing but tried to change it. I felt I wanted to love this body with all my heart. I wanted every single pore of my skin to irradiate love, gratefulness, compassion. I couldn’t stop crying, it was the most powerful experience I have ever had.
This intensity lasted around 90 minutes, and I slowly started to return to a more calm state. I felt my body to be much more than an object to please others, but a vessel of life and love. As I was breathing deeply I felt the urge to take care of this body, to nurture it (instead of starving it), to move it in a way that felt good (instead of punishing it with intense exercise), to rest and to fill it with air and water and love from others. I felt I wanted to stretch, deep stretches, as if with every stretch I was making more space for loving energy to flow around. It felt amazing. I felt the need to apologise to my body, for everything I have done to it.
I felt the need to apologise to my body, for everything I have done to it.
I know it is so cliche, but I have been expecting others to accept me, and I never accepted myself. I thought of my mother, and her own disordered relationship with food and her body. She hated herself, and she put on me all that hate. I know she loves me, but I think she always saw herself in me, and hated my body, because it was “her” body. I felt compassion for her, for the little capacity she had to work on herself, and to be unable to be the loving mum I know she would have wanted to be. I felt like letting go of that mother figure and I felt it was now on me to be my own mother. My body felt ready, I felt I created an inner space for that loving energy to stay with me forever.
The next couple of hours I felt swimming in this love balm, feeling more embodied than I have ever been. Feeling from toe to head, and feeling so grateful for this body, for not giving up on me.
This was the most meaningful experience of my life, it’s hard to express how meaningful it was. Around 6 hours later I left the therapy room and went home. The next few days were a joy, but slowly that love bubble started to disappear. I follow up with 3 integration sessions, which I totally recommend. We discussed the experience, and how I can integrate the MDMA experience into my life. How to maintain that feeling of self-compassion and self-care without feeling the explosive loving energy that MDMA brings.
I actually decided to continue doing therapy after the 3 follow up sessions. It’s been 6 months since this experience and I still have “bad days” but something shifted. Feeling love for my body was something I never thought possible unless I lost all the weight. The MDMA experience gave me that, showed me what was possible.
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