Citation: Nienor. "Cried with Nature: An Experience with LSD & Cannabis (exp115193)". Erowid.org. Feb 27, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115193
||Pharms - Lamotrigine
||(blotter / tab)
I started experimenting with psychedelics in early 2020 when I was a junior in high school. Prior to this experience, I had taken mushrooms 3 times, LSD about 5 or 6 times (though I never tested my tabs, and a couple of those were probably N-Bombs). I was on medication (Lamictal 100g daily) for epilepsy, though this never seemed to have any effect on any drug I've taken. I was a heavy pot smoker at this time.
It was a quiet breezy Texas day when my friend and I dropped 3 and a half tabs each. I'll call him K. We walked to my neighborhood cafe in the morning, sat outside, and got some tacos after dropping. These hit quicker than normally, we were laughing a lot and couldn't really tell how loud we were being (all the employees here were total stoners and I've shown up absolutely blasted too many times for this to make a difference). I remember we thought we were pirates for a brief moment sitting out at the table. Then it just kept hitting and hitting and we eventually had to leave because we started saying some extremely stupid shit and making funny faces.
We walked back to my house, it was nearly noon. At this point, our faces looked very swirly and my house was breathing. We weren't dropping this time for any particular reason - normally, I like to meditate a bit when I trip, try to get outside in nature at least for a little bit, surf around on Google Earth and look at all the craziest places I can find, and listen to some good ol' music. Anything else that happened was an added bonus. Anyway, we played some Windhand, Pink Floyd, and Darkthrone when we got back and marveled at how good it sounded before I packed a bowl of 1g pure indica. We smoked it all in my backyard at about 1pm. At some point inside after that, I picked up a guitar and started plucking and we both bugged out for a second. I could barely play the guitar at first because it felt all melty like one of those clocks from that Salvador Dali painting, but then the sound just filled my small living room and seemed to bounce off of every wall (which was turning different colors). K looked absolutely mesmerized. Neither of us had played an instrument like that on acid and it sounded mega fucking cool. After that, we decided to head out again and walk to one of the neighborhood pocket parks.
This particular park we went to has always been very special to me. Growing up, I would always go there as a kid and swing on the rope swing, play by the river and watch the minnows, and build little 'fairy houses' on the tree roots. It's in the middle of a split road, so you climb down a little row of earthen stairs and you're in the green clearing. There's a little river on the right side, earth walls full of moss on the left, and massive Texan oak trees all around. The ground has a worn path through the top and bottom of the park, surrounded by clovers. It was the perfect smoke spot for me as I grew through my younger teenage years, and so I thought it would be an amazing park to ride the high of my trip in. While on our walk, we noticed the array of palm trees on some of the houses in my neighborhood and the old beat-up trucks under the sun. I had always felt the ability to transport myself to another time or place while on psychedelics, and this was no exception. I mentioned to K that it felt like I was in 1970s coastal California, to which he agreed immediately. I must have been tripping balls, because we live in Central-Southern Texas. On one of the main streets we passed, I saw the laundromat in English and Spanish with its old blue faded banner which really solidified my time and space travel thoughts. We were almost to the park when I thought it would be very cool to play some music from my phone. I remember looking at my phone when I pulled it out and laughing at how much it looked like an alien robot. I started playing Mirror Reaper by Bell Witch (if you don't know what that is, it's an 83-minute long ambient-doom song). We finally got to the reserve park and descended down to the riverbed and trail, which is where the trip really starts.
The first thing I remember is how vivid the entire scene looked. The sun was shining through the tall trees and bending them all around, the green was EXTRA green. Like extremely green. I was almost blinded by how green everything looked - it was so beautiful. Each branch on the tall trees wiggled, the minnows in the stream were gleaming bright colors, and the ground was completely beckoning me forward. Walking straight ahead, the clearing in the park looked like a portal in a video game. I motioned to K to keep walking ahead with me. We walked a couple more minutes along the glistening river when we finally got to the rope swing. We sat down, Bell Witch still playing. K took the swing and I sat on the ground, I think I even laid down on the dirt for a while. My main realization began here:
I reached out and felt the clovers between my fingers. I touched the dirt all over and wandered over to the water. I closed my eyes and listened to the babble of the stream while visions of wavering caves appeared behind my eyes. I had never, ever felt this level of serenity in my entire life. My breath felt divine, like such a graceful gift. I felt like I was literally breathing with nature and the world. I forgot K was behind me on the swing. The music from my phone seemed so peaceful and intertwined with me that I could not separate it from the park. I looked over at K and said "this is the soundtrack of nature" to which he replied "no this is Mirror Reaper" which made me laugh very hard. But it didn't really distract me from the experience I was having. I sank deeper down into the riverbed, crouching along all the clovers and leaves.
All at once, I felt an overwhelming sense of grief overcome my entire heart and soul and body. I had never felt this hurt before - it absolutely felt like my heart was breaking. I looked all around me and realized it was coming from the park. I lifted my head and looked beyond the park at the street full of houses and began to cry. In that moment, it felt like every single thing humans have done to invade this part of earth was an invasion. I looked at the closest house, with its extracted wood used to make the building and the concrete on the sidewalk and started crying. I knew that some part of this living, breathing green entity that I was breathing with had been destroyed and exploited just to make that one house. And then I looked down and saw 10 more houses do the same. I could feel the pain of nature come up through my fingers and into my whole body.
I could feel the pain of nature come up through my fingers and into my whole body.
I felt so terrible to be part of a human race that had destroyed and depleted this beauty. The heart of the earth started beating with mine and I felt the deep grief even deeper. K saw that I was very upset and sat with me and I tried telling him how I felt in that moment, but I knew I couldn't articulate even a fraction of what I felt. I think he realized this as well and gave me some time to reflect. I couldn't stop touching the little clovers that surrounded my body. I could see them breathing and moving all around the ground, some content, but some crying out for help. The sun warmed me and I knew it was giving lifeblood to everything around me.
This feeling was elevated for the final time when I had a second realization: all of earth used to be this natural. At one point, every corner of this planet was purely natural - whether it was endless water, scorched earth, forest, patches of clovers, fields and prairies, or mountains. Every piece of nature was allowed to breathe without fear. I looked up at the houses and concrete roads again in anger and hurt. How dare we assume superiority over what was earthen long before humans came along? I wasn't sure if it was the Agricultural Revolution or industrialization or whatever that began the colonization of earth, but it pissed me off. I didn't have a bad trip or anything, but it hit me all at once. I grieved with nature at its destruction. We can have as many parks, conservatories, protected lands, and reserves as we want, but the damage had already been done. I sat at that river among the clovers and realized that we have destroyed all we had.
K suggested we walk home after that. I was still peaking, but I could feel myself start to fade a bit. The green looked just as green, the sun still as shiny, and I had to leave. While I walked along the concrete sidewalk, I felt how angry the houses made me. I almost threw my phone into the gutter simply because it was a piece of technology. K said not to do that, which was a pretty good idea. I was still enjoying Mirror Reaper playing. It was mid-afternoon at this point. When we got home, the rest of the trip was quite pleasant. I ended up doing some mirror trataka meditation and thought more about the soul of nature. After that, we listened to some more music and explored Northern Africa on Google Earth. We had many funny conversations and I kept noticing how bright K's eyes were and how they were moving all across his face, which was also moving. Eventually, it stopped moving so much and we smoked a bit more pot to finish riding the trip, and took a little nap.
All in all, one of the most profound trips of my psychonaut days. I tripped many times after that, but I do not any more due to prolonged anxiety and hallucinations after a heroic dose of shrooms. But I still remember every detail of what it felt like to be in that park clearing, living and breathing and crying as a part of nature and her cycle.
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