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Nothing Lasts but Nothing Is Lost
by BabushkinPirozhok
Citation:   BabushkinPirozhok. "Nothing Lasts but Nothing Is Lost: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp115192)". Feb 23, 2021.

8.5 g oral Mushrooms (dried)
    oral Alcohol - Beer/Wine  


I'm writing a report couple of years later, trying to remember what I can.

Even by the look of the tea, one could see what kind of Witcher's potion it was, absolutely black opaque tea and we joked about the Trial of the Grasses with my husband. I have taken high doses before, 7-8 grams, several times. This time I took my highest dose so far, 8.5 dried Cubensis. It was one of the two most powerful psychedelic experiences of my life. I was at home, my husband was my sitter as always, I drank tea at sunset. At that time we were preparing to move to another city, and I was in anticipation of the future and a little sad, leaving my family. I was in a good, calm mood, and there was no sign of such a difficult experience ahead.

The effects started very quickly. Sensations began immediately a few minutes after ingestion. I was lying on the bed. Strong visuals began, the whole room began to shimmer and become covered with patterns. At some point, time stopped, as if somebody pressed the stop button and my life stopped. There was a feeling - this is it, as if my life was leading to this moment.
There was a feeling - this is it, as if my life was leading to this moment.
I got the feeling that I was dying. A wave of fear rose up in my body. I exhaled and let go of everything. I gave myself up to it and the fear disappeared and I dissolved.

My husband was lying next to me. We listened to Shpongle "Nothing Lasts ... but Nothing Is Lost". Now I'm listening and trying to remember something, and the music immediately recalls the atmosphere of that trip - the feeling that I am going very far, to a place where I have never been. That my life has come to some defining, final point. There was a feeling that my life ends here, that I am really dying. Now listening to the music, there is a feeling that in a sense I really died at that moment, after that trip I started a different life. Because now this trip is mixing in my memory with the move to another city that month, also a month after that trip my cat died, so it's mixed with grief now. Indeed it was the death of that life. The feeling was overwhelming. I was carried away and it was impossible to stop it in any way, like a huge wave. I opened up to what was happening and said goodbye to this world, to my life, as if I were leaving it forever, something irrevocably leaves, something beautiful, and something very huge begins. I saw my life as a complete whole.

"Nothing lasts. Nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong, everything is on track ...", "William Blake said ... nothing is lost, nothing is lost. We only move on". I remember feeling of love, light sadness. And the feeling of miracle, divinity and the preciousness of being, as always under psychedelics. A sense of celebration, like the world is saying goodbye to me and it's a party for me or something. I really liked this album. Feeling of happiness and ecstasy. This first part of the trip was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. It was about 35 minutes from the start. I immediately remember those experiences listening to this music. This feeling of death and farewell to my life. High dose trips are not just an adventure. It's sometimes an event on the level of love or the birth of a child or death of you or a loved one.

Then emotions began to disintegrate, consciousness began to dissolve in space, thoughts disintegrated, my personality ceased to exist, I was completely dissolved in this experience. The visuals were very strong, sometimes it was not even clear whether my eyes were closed or open. I remember that a tunnel opened in space above me and at the other end of this tunnel some huge, divine beings were watching me. I was dissolved and sent somewhere in the afterlife. There was a period from which I almost do not even remember anything - I did not exist. I remember how I was lying on the bed, and only some point of view remained from me, I do not understand in what position my body lies, where I am and where is the bed and where is the surrounding space, I donít know where is top and bottom, where are my arms or legs, body image messed up. It's 1 hour 20 minutes in a trip (I counted it by the length of the tracks, Nothing is Lost ended and Codex VI began). I started to get uncomfortable. I don't know why, maybe because the sun went down? Idk

I turned to my husband and hugged him. But the discomfort was growing. When I hugged him, I had a feeling of loss of control and a feeling as if I was doing something bad towards him now. An image appeared in my head, as if I was doing something violent, and he screams to stop, but I do not control my body and I donít understand anything and I donít understand what I am doing and why, and I donít know what is really happening, what is in reality and what is in my head, such a strange feeling. It scared me very much and I moved away from him. What happened now? What was it? I started having negative thoughts, frightening - I don't control anything, something is wrong, I can't stand it, it's impossible, but what if I can't stand it now and kill myself? There was a strong feeling of anxiety. I breathed deeply, panic spreading more and more over my body. I hoped it would pass. I tried to cope with it myself, just breathe. I really didn't want to disturb and upset my husband. The feeling that something was wrong, that it was taking me to the wrong place.

I felt bad, very scared, the spiral of negative emotions kept spinning, and I was afraid that I was moving towards some kind of suicidal state. There was a feeling of threat, as if something terrible was about to happen, as if I would kill myself or somebody or my cats (although I had no desire to do anything like that), the feeling that some kind of catastrophe was coming, reality was turning into the most terrible nightmare. This sensation could not be driven away or released. Eventually, I realized that for a long time now very dark and frightening thoughts were circulating in my head, and Iím scared for a long time already, I donít remember how long, it seems that this has been going on for a very long time, that is not a fleeting sensation, but a bad trip. Sense of doom, darkness, sadness, end of the world. There's nothing I can do, a feeling of grief. At the same time, I did not understand why this was happening, why I felt it, where did I get such thoughts from? As if it's not me anymore, or I lost my mind, what is happening? I felt psychotic. It was 2 hours from the beginning.

I could not cope with this state, I could not stand it. The emotions were unbearable, too scary, I was not ready for this. I told my husband that I felt very bad and very scared. Then I sat down and asked to turn off the music, at that moment I "sobered up" - hallucinations disappeared.

I went to my room, lay down on the floor and asked my husband to lie on me to feel safer - I had a feeling that I did not control myself and could be dangerous for myself and those around me. It helped a little, he pressed me to the floor with his weight and I could not move. But inside I was still scared. I tried to draw, my ability to draw was at the level of 2 years old, I barely could draw a simple line or a circle and this also did not remove this state, although usually drawing is fun under psychedelics, but that time all the functions of my brain disintegrated and nothing worked. I went back to the bedroom. I had a feeling that I was in another world. Like our world was left behind, I left it, and from here there is no return. It was like after death, different. I didn't understand what was real and what was not. It was not waking state, and not a dream, but something else. You can escape from sleep, waking up. From waking state, you can fall asleep, lose consciousness. And from where I was there was nowhere to go. It was beyond sleep or waking state, life or death. From there, the difference between life and death was no longer visible, because it was not life and not death, but something beyond these concepts. The concept of death no longer made sense at this moment. And there was a feeling of a repetitive cycle that no matter what I did, I return to one moment on the bed. Feeling of hopelessness, locked in this state.

I decided to go outside, maybe Iíll get out of it. Turned on the light and got dressed. Coordination of all movements was impaired. The movements were disinhibited. I ran down the stairs jumping (we lived at 7th floor), I wanted to escape somewhere. The desire to break out of a hopeless state, to break through, to save myself. We went to the next street. The world seemed huge, it was cold. I felt guilty and apologized for what was happening, it seemed to me that I was ruining our relationship for some reason. My husband laughed, said that everything was fine. We're back home. In the hallway, I lay hysterically on the floor and sobbed when I saw my cats. I felt guilty, I felt that I was doing something very bad, I was damaging something. I understood that the neighbors could hear me, that I was inadequate, but I didn't care at that moment. I felt bad. Sobs shook me. I crawled on the floor and asked for forgiveness from the cats and from my husband. I felt guilt and shame in addition to feelings of doom and madness. I drank the champagne we had, hoping it would help. From champagne for a couple of seconds there was literally a short sensation of sobriety - oh! - and immediately I was pulled back into the trip. I went to the bathroom, where, as it seemed to me, I would isolate myself, hide and not be a danger to myself and the cats. I was still hysterical and almost ready to call the mental hospital. My husband said that this state will pass and everything will be fine. His calmness and smile reassured me. I was afraid that I had broken my brain forever and said that I would not use drugs anymore, please let me go mushrooms, give me a chance... I told my husband - I didn't even think it can be so painful. He said - yes, I know, I had bad trips too. And I felt pain for him - he does not deserve this, like, let it happen to me, but he shouldn't feel something like this.

To fear, anxiety, threat, feeling of hopelessness, there were added experiences of sadness, tragedy of existence. My consciousness was blurred, and I and my husband were kind of the same - consciousness expanded to the volume of the entire universe, at least that's how it felt. It was not my individual consciousness, it was all there is. There was something, "it". Both consciousness and matter. All there is. I remembered moments from the past from my life - now they were so far away. I remembered moments from my life with my abusive ex - how I cried while sitting in the bathroom, also from unbearable mental pain, and now it seemed to be repeating itself, and I felt guilty as if I was always spoiling everything. There were moments from my life, and I saw my life as a moment from the life of the universe. There was this Something, being itself, and it was embodied in all living beings, lived one life after another, it was me in one life and my husband in another, time was not linear. It was like a dimension over time. Like as creatures living in a two-dimensional world, for example on a sheet of paper, can only move in two directions, but we also have a third dimension and we see the entire sheet from above. So for us, time is linear, but for the universe, time is just another dimension, I saw time from the outside, all its points, as if being above it. We were the embodiment of this All, and all living beings were it. There was a feeling that most of the time we simply do not know or do not remember that we are This - but sometimes we "wake up" and remember.

And It experiences everything that all living beings experience - including all suffering. I saw that suffering and such painful states in life alternate with good ones, with moments of happiness. And it made me feel desperate and helpless. I had happy times in my life, here is this state, then there will be other states, then I will die, this life will end and another life will begin in which everything will start all over again and I will not remember anything about it, as I donít remember now about past lives and their suffering, and so it goes on forever. And it is impossible to stop it, like the universe itself cannot cease to exist, cannot stop suffering, cannot avoid it, cannot do anything. And my husband and I are like two helpless little animals in this, we cannot do anything - neither he can save me from suffering, nor I can save him from his suffering and protect my loved ones from death, we will inevitably get sick, suffer and die, and all that remains is to hug each other and hold on while we have the opportunity to be with each other and until the world swallows us and death sweeps us away and carries us further, dissolves into It and then other lives will begin. I felt helplessness, overwhelming doom, grief, endless sadness and longing, tragedy of life. What's the point in all this, I thought, and cried bitterly. But I thought - do I want everything to end? Do I want to leave this life? And realized that no, I don't want to. I want to be here with everyone and I will suffer with my loved ones. We're all here together, I'm part of it. If we all suffer in this world, well, I will be with my husband. Most of all I wanted to go back to our world.

Gradually these feelings, probably, were exhausted, I cried out all the tears and I eventually had a feeling of emptiness. I didn't care. I could only cry and that's it. Can't do anything anyway. Hours passed. I sat in the bathroom for about 3 hours. When I went to bed, an incredible feeling of relief came over me. I exhaled, it was bliss, finally it was all over. I was happy to be back in this world. I didnít die, I didnít lose my mind. What happened was perceived as something so terrible that I would not wish anyone to experience it. I thought that no one, not even the most terrible person in the world, deserves to experience pain. I thought about my grandmother, how she was dying, she had dementia - and I understood how scary it is when your brain fails and stops working normally, memory and other functions fail. My empathy and compassion became much stronger. I thought that no one should suffer, that I never want to cause any suffering in life to anyone else - we all live in this world, life itself is tragic, and all we can and should do is be kind to each other and help each other in this life. I had the feeling that I was not afraid of anything anymore. That after that there is nothing to be afraid of. What I experienced seemed worse than death. I wanted no other person to experience this. I encouraged myself, laughed, but immediately remembered my emotions and the smile left my face, I realized that this was a really traumatic experience for me and it was serious. Before going to bed, the image of a fractal multidimensional maze appeared in my head, I made a sketch and fell asleep.

Two years later, I can say that this experience has greatly changed my view on life. Before I had a rather pessimistic, gloomy philosophy, a sense of the meaninglessness of life. Now I see a deep meaning in all events and divine essence of all things. I have become less selfish and try to behave better with people, I analyze my behaviour, and several friends who knew me before said that I had changed for the better very noticeably.

I have been treated for panic disorder and insomnia for a year and a half. Immediately after the trip I was fine, but then we moved from my city, and then my cat died and this was the last drop - after his death I started having mental problems. I'm fine now. I have matured a lot. Btw I tried microdosing psilocybin during this period, and it increased my anxiety and insomnia, while microdosing of red amanita cured my insomnia in a completely magical way and now I sleep like a child. But you need to be careful with the amanita - some people have hypersensitivity to it, you need to check.

It was one of the most beautiful and terrible experiences of my life. It was an honor to go through this. I do not regret.

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 115192
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 24 
Published: Feb 23, 2021Views: 1,224
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Mushrooms (39) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Guides / Sitters (39), Bad Trips (6), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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