DOSE:

40 mg

DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

70 kg

Completely melted into the experience, this was so much stronger than any other hit, holy shit. Lived many lifetimes, got crippled with addiction, the world turned grey, I forgot about my life, my existence, life was a repetitive blur. Severely hallucinating on the way to the toilet and back, reality lost any sense of logic. I was walking through endless rooms in my flat. I completely lost touch with time. I wanted it to end. It was too intense. I lost touch with my life entirely, nothing seemed to matter. It was pointless loops that I couldn't get out of. I finally understood addicts, I thought I was an addict, that my friends, family and colleagues would find it, that I'd be judged. That faded when I realised I wanted them to know, I wanted help, I wanted this to end. I thought it had been days, that I wasn't showing up for work, I forgot everything about myself, I had to say my name, my tripsitter's name, the name of the company I work at, again and again, along with "thank you", "I'm sorry", "It's okay" in order to come back. It was just pieces of a puzzle. My life was fragmented. I tried to remember food and water. I remembered I needed those. I didn't remember why. Intensely hallucinating while talking to TS, my desk was moving around the room back to its first position. I wasn't in reality anymore, I was dropping in and out. Life was glitching intensely. Saw just how ludicrous life was: going to work, coming back, looking for a mate, endless cycles, repeating ad nauseam. They sped up into movement was all that was left. There was no life left, just a blur. I forgot who I was.

I lived a thousand lifetimes in 20 minutes, confronted with the temporary nature of existence, I thought that I could only live the moments I was on DMT. I thought I was going to work, coming back, making money, seeing people, but the only moments I saw were where I did the DMT, I thought weeks had passed, that I stopped going outside, that my friends would soon be aware of my addiction, then this shifted to me being okay with that. I couldn't get out. There was no exit. I wanted serious help. I wanted the loops to stop. I thought I stumbled on this drug as a solution, but instead I appreciated what addicts have to go through to quit. I struggled to get out, I tried for a while to return, I just wanted my life back. Eventually the effects faded, but I was hallucinating intensely, I didn't know what was going on. I thought I was stuck. I was conscious but I knew I had to break the loop (a nonexistent one) of taking DMT. I told TS this needed to stop, my assumption was that weeks had passed, that we'd done it many times already, and I didn't have the mental fortitude to stop the next one, that it's inevitable I'd fall back in.

Exp Year: 2020	ExpID: 115056
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Jan 14, 2021	Views: 648
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DMT (18) : Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)