Citation: L. "This Saturday, I Ceased to Exist: An Experience with LSD (exp115024)". Erowid.org. Jan 18, 2021. erowid.org/exp/115024
This Saturday, I ceased to exist, my ego dissolved, and I was completely consumed by hallucinations, panic, and the feeling of never getting back to reality. It was probably the most intense feeling and experience I had in my life. It might sound scary but it was also the best thing that could have happened to me right now.
I was always curious about psychedelic drugs. Reading books like "LSD, my problem child" from Albert Hofmann. And thinking about experiencing it myself. Just 2 years ago I had my first experience with micro-dosing. However, up until now, I was afraid of a full trip on acid. I never felt that it was the right moment because I felt insecure about myself and I didn't feel right about the set & setting. I was just afraid of a really intense and negative trip, with all those insecurities, stress, and overload from work and other things happening around me. Well, up until this Saturday.
It started as a really positive experience. This Saturday, we decided to "go on a trip" with my boyfriend's brother while my boyfriend will take care of us in case something should happen. We were just chatting, making fun, eating good food, listening to music, watching videos of nature and landscapes. Just getting in this really positive mood to enjoy the experience. Roughly 20 minutes in, I started to have the first signs. Our concrete wall had suddenly all this depth and it was slowly breathing. The screen and lights around us were sometimes breathing, slowly flipping and moving while I knew they shouldn't. The sense of depth started to change in the room, it just felt like it had different aspect ratios.
The sense of depth started to change in the room, it just felt like it had different aspect ratios.
It quite quickly developed and some images and videos we were watching looked like a comic book in real life and sometimes it looked like these vintage neon lights that were flowing. I was consumed by this feeling of inner peace just enjoying myself. It was euphoric.
We changed our place from a comfy couch to our small relax area which is overseeing a hill with smaller houses and a big hospital on top. Just looking out the window was crazy, all those lights were flowing, changing from their real color to the comic book style to sometimes these vintage neons. It was like waves flowing in a harmony. From lights to clouds and trees. I was just enjoying the sense of being and I was still able to tell that this is probably still a reality while it was a "bit" augmented by all these visuals. The room was also changing its ratio and angles but I was still here and I was able to communicate. I just wished that I would be able to share this experience and all these feelings with others. I was just repeating to myself "oh my god, this is so amazing/cool". It was similar to one specific sexual experience from the past, where the feeling was really similar and I actually returned to this moment during my trip.
I was constantly trying to anchor myself to my Apple Watch which had a stopwatch running, I wanted to keep track of my experience. But after an hour and a half, I wasn't able to do that, the timeline disappeared from my perception and the visuals on the watch were abstract I could not understand it. I wasn't even able to log onto my computer where I wanted to compose music while being in this state. I just couldn't do it. I felt the space around me and while I couldn't trust my sight because it was all distorted, I knew that I could trust my hearing and touch while moving around our apartment. That's how I was moving around – touching the things and areas I know perfectly even without sight. We were also looking from our terrace to the other side, everything was so bright and I just loved the visuals. We also played with sparklers which looked amazing while they were changing from these bright colors to the comic book look to waves of light. There were these "70s colors" everywhere. I was changing the location (relax area, terrace, living room, bedroom) and this euphoric state kept on going. When I was watching the visuals and movies on the screen, it looked random, there was a parallel reality happening. In a few moments like the time has stopped. Sometimes the image looked frozen and something was just happening inside my mind, it didn't make sense most of the time – or at least at the end of this phase.
But then something happened. I was sitting in the corner of our "L" shaped couch with my eyes open but I wasn't able to see the reality and I wasn't able to communicate. Everything started to spin. The reality and everything around me started to disappear (from things on our table to the room itself). I could still enjoy it but it was becoming more and more intense. I went from our living room to all these virtual spaces that were composed of different elements, from a simple room to this abstract space composed out of golden shining triangles that looked like an optical illusion. I saw all this with my eyes open (I couldn't tell but that's what my boyfriend told me). I completely stopped communicating and I was just sitting in the corner of our couch for the rest of the night. These spaces kept changing, lights, abstract shapes, positions, dimensions. And as they were changing they were gradually becoming more and more intense and from this euphoric state, I started to feel uncomfortable until I hit the bottom.
At the end of all these transitions, I felt the presence of a space that I knew quite well but I just couldn't see it. I couldn't tell where I am. For some reason, I felt really miserable and it was overwhelming. There was no rationality left. I was myself and without myself. I got into this psychotic state where I wanted to get back but I didn't know where I came from. And I had no idea how I got here, I wasn't able to articulate that I was on an acid trip. Things started to spin out of control. I was trying to remember who I am, where I am, why I am here but I just couldn't. The only thing that I knew for sure is that I'm no longer who I was even though I didn't remember it. And I knew that I'll never be part of the reality I was living in before, I'll never go back. I will remain here forever and I will just slowly disappear out of existence. I knew that I did it to myself that I got myself here. My ego slowly dissolved.
In this strange place, I wasn't able to recognize, something started to happen. The place started to transform into this room that looked like a big cylinder (sitting on the curvy sides) composed out of thousands of little movie clips that all made sense together. And there was a story happening on the outside of this. I felt that this story is about me and it's going to be embarrassing. I was the one controlling it without even realizing it. I was resisting the story but the story was trying to go on. I had a feeling like it's something from my school-age something awkward that you never want to go through again. And all your colleagues, friends and classmates are watching it. I was there and I was feeling like I needed to vomit. I was the story.
While I was resisting the story (that was playing around me in those movie clips), I was going from a state of "it's happening, it's about me" to "no, this can't be about me" in a loop. The story was telling me that I just need to let go, I just need to let this happen and I will finally understand it. After the struggle (and feeling really bad) I just let go, I let it happen. All those little movie clips were moving as if the movie is playing in the cinema but it was not coherent. It wasn't finished, there was this part missing, the last few frames of this movie. But at the moment I let go, it all clicked, all those little pieces just fall into their place and at that moment I fall out of existence. I was and I wasn't. I couldn't tell that it was not a reality, it was the only reality for me. I was myself but without my ego.
After this moment, space I was in started to reshuffle, it became our living room and I understood that I was at home. But space still remained this 3D cylinder composed out of thousands of movie frames. I thought that it was my boyfriend who got us here because he wanted to show me that there was a crisis in my life and it was the reason that I lost everything and everyone dear to me (it never happened in real-life). In this story, he wanted to show me all that to help me feel it and live through it. He was trying to give me the feeling of the crisis before I realized where I am and what's happening around me. I just felt it. It was like a "gift" from him. Something got us to this moment in space and time (without the sense of space and time).
But this story was not about me it was about our universe, it all started to make sense. We were there with my boyfriend but we were part of these little movie frames, we merged into them, we were part of them. The story of the universe was happening and we were part of it. My boyfriend was talking to me in a calm manner. He was trying to show me that we are just a part of this story and that we have to let go and we have to let it happen. Become a part of something bigger. It was this crisis of the moment that connected us together. The worst thing did not happen and we were just at the end of this edge.
With every tick of the "movie cylinder" the feeling intensified because it made more and more sense. The moment we became part of this story of the whole universe, I started to feel the most intense feeling in this whole experience. At that moment, I felt everything. I felt the weight of my whole life, our relationship, and of the whole universe and our part in it. I understood why am I here and what am I doing here. I had this deep sense of understanding. He was telling me "let it go now, we'll (and everyone will) become part of it". We were just sitting there and that was the first moment I realized we were back in our living room, it was just looking like a 3D cylinder with all these movie frames around us (drawing the room itself). The whole space slowly transformed into these 2 big vertical "waves" composed out of thousands upon thousands of movie frames. He gave me a hug to calm me and told me all of this. Let's just be here now and let's become part of this. We can just let it all go. We'll just be here now. Together. And the moment I let go and I just leaned back to our couch it was the most intense feeling. At that moment, we became part of all these stories happening around us and we were just part of the universe. My boyfriend was holding me and we were just here and now. Part of something bigger that's all around us and we don't have to understand it. We just turned with the movie cylinder, he looked at his clock and we just become part of the story of the whole universe, part of all the movies and images happening around us.
I had a feeling that multiple lifetimes went by. And I just got another chance to and live. Restart and go. It was extremely important to just let it all go. Go with the flow of the whole universe. I can't describe it but this feeling when you stop existing and just become part of the universe is amazing. Without yourself, without your ego.
At that moment, I felt everything. Heaviness and lightness of being. The weight of all events of my life, the weight of the whole universe. When it all clicked, it was so intense. In this second, the movie clips clicked again and they fell into place with us as part of it, we just moved with it. At this moment, at this last rotation when we became part of the story, I started crying. I had this extreme feeling of gratitude that I can belong here and that I can be here and now. It was actually the first moment when reality started to come back after this intense experience. I can't describe that moment by words, it was so strong, so unexpected, so needed. I felt so connected to here and now like I never had. I was slowly returning back to reality while not even realizing it. I just kept crying. There was my boyfriend talking to me in the real world. I didn't know where I was. And this is the exact dialogue we had:
B: You're here, at home
B: You're here at home with me and our fluffy dog
ME: I'm here with you?
ME: With our dog?
B: You don't have to be afraid of anything sweetheart
B: You're just having a trip, everything was just a dream that happened to you
ME: And where are we now?
B: At home, in our living room
B: We're just watching our planet (David Attenborough is talking about our planet and the ocean)
ME: And we're here now?
ME: And we're here now?
B: Yup, together
[I leaned back]
ME: And what does it mean?
B: Well, that means that we're here together
B: You don't know what you're dreaming about and what is the reality
B: The truth is that we're here at home together and everything is fine
B: It's just a dream that it isn't
B: What's up?
ME: We are here together
I was totally lost/perplexed. And I was crying the whole time as this experience was extremely strong. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to describe it by words. It was incredible. Just to be. I felt so lucky. With my boyfriend and our dog. I found myself. With all those bad possibilities and realities, we just ended up here among all of this. With this feeling of gratitude and all of this weight and experiences, I was actually crying for an hour (my boyfriend was keeping track of time).
When I got back I still couldn't talk and I was experiencing mild hallucinations – those little movie clips were still slightly visible around us (just those edges of light around it) and our apartment was composed out of them. I was just able to nod in agreement or disagreement. We went for a walk with our dog. I still saw all these little movie clips around us – inside and also while walking outside.
When we got back, I was feeling extremely peaceful. I was laying in the bad, thinking, still not sure what was and what wasn't real. I was watching all the shapes in our bedroom – from the main light to the door and our sports equipment. Everything was white and shadows were appearing and moving around those objects like the sun or other light sources were going around it, sometimes with a bit of color. I was able to fall asleep quite quickly. This whole trip took ~10 hours (from 5 pm until 3 am).
This whole trip took ~10 hours (from 5 pm until 3 am).
Only in the morning, I started thinking about the whole experience and how it all made sense together. I remembered perfectly every single moment and every single feeling I had. I'm not a religious person but now I think I can start to understand what can baptism mean and how can it feel. The moment you rise from the water after feeling that you might be drowning. You are leaving the old person behind and someone new is just going through a rebirth. I took a shower and I shaved in the morning while thinking about all of this. And that's what I felt. Clear of all thoughts. Being reborn. This whole thing was an extremely strong spiritual experience. Just leaving the old me behind.
Few key moments for me are – the feeling of being here and now, the feeling of being so grateful for being part of this whole universe (without my ego). The appreciation for being able to be. I think the most important is the ability to be here and now. I read about it multiple times in all these books and articles. But I never felt it so intensely like during this experience. Be here. Be now. Be happy with yourself and accept yourself. Be part of it all. Don't worry all the time (especially about things you can't influence).
And the last thing I'm taking out of this is that we should do everything that we want to do while we have the chance. There will never be this perfect moment when everything will be 100%. We have to make the most out of this. We shouldn't just work all the time, waste all this precious time or be overloaded by things around us (especially work). We should just be. Be humble. And do everything that makes us happy (not just temporarily) and feel good. No one can take all of our experiences from us. And we have no idea how much time we have for them (before we cease to exist).
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