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To Write a College Paper Quickly
MDMA
Citation:   philipkdick. "To Write a College Paper Quickly: An Experience with MDMA (exp114761)". Erowid.org. Oct 7, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114761

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
100 mg insufflated MDMA (powder / crystals)
  T+ 1:00   smoked Cannabis  
  T+ 0:00 200 mg insufflated MDMA (powder / crystals)
  T+ 4:40   smoked Cannabis  
BODY WEIGHT: 220 lb
Using MDMA to Write a College Paper Quickly

MDMA is the sociability, openness, slight body high and creativity of a tab of LSD crossed with the energy, euphoria, obsession/focus, magical thinking/reward-seeking behaviors, and body load of cocaine, but it brings to itself the qualities of prosociability; acceptance and empathy of myself/others; and an in-depth, easy-to-come-to understanding of myself that LSD would cloud with psychedelic uncertainty and cocaine would tarnish with its stimulant-induced narcissism and tunnel-vision. It is an excellent drug for writing, socializing lightly with strangers, or having in-depth conversations with close friends or those I want to get to know better.

However, it comes with distractability- the tendency to veer off onto courses that bear little to no relation to what I was just doing, such as sitting down to write a text to my partner that becomes a google doc about my own personal sense of spirituality and then becomes an explanation of the reasoning behind my own weird, obsessive beliefs and behavior- and then choosing, instead, to write a review of my past six hours on MDMA.

It’s 4:15 AM now; we first dosed ~.3g of street-bought crystal being sold as MDMA with what seems, to my uneducated tastes, having only had 85+% clear crystal MDMA once in my life, to have a relatively high purity of MDMA in it, around 8pm.

8pm - 9pm
T+0.00 - t+1.00
I’d approximate about 100mg of MDMA was thus imbibed, as the come-up was strong but not overwhelming, and the high steady but not overly intense. I proceeded to start in on an essay for a basic English Comp class, one which I needed to be done by the time I fell asleep in the early morning the next day; it was of a familiar story, but as I analyzed it while coming up, building my essay, I found that I saw new perspectives of a deeper kind about it than I did while I was sober, or than I did when I studied it years before in high school; the story was “A&P” by Upton Dike, and, riding high on the come-up, I wrote on it until around 9:05 PM; in that hour, coming up with and then progressively refining my thesis statement and the order of/content of the body paragraphs I would have to write.

It was feverish writing; I felt under an unusual time constraint, even though I realistically had several days to write this essay, and had to keep reminding myself to dispel the feeling of anxiety that would creep up in my gut; but at the same time my typical difficulty in boiling my literature analyses down to simple-to-understand points was gone, and I found that I could describe my conclusion and reasoning with relative ease, in a style that wasn’t too powerfully purple (an ability I’ve since lost before writing this review, 8 hours later) but instead simple and straightforward.

9pm - 10:30pm
T+1:00 until t+2:30
I went outside and smoked a bowl with my best friend and roommate, who I’d been seeing less of/talking to less often for a few months since we had an emotionally charged conversation about my choice to stop focusing on our film/art business together, and instead focus on going back to school and getting my degree- a conversation we both knew was coming beforehand, but dreaded and felt awkward about afterwards, despite encouraging each other during it.

I have difficulty expressing myself to other people, or defining and understanding my own emotions very well; I spent many hours writing as a teenager in order to try and learn how to express my inner thoughts and beliefs to people more clearly, which helped me learn to communicate.

But I still struggle with connecting to people in any easy to understand manner. I personally think I might have a minor form of social disability, perhaps as part of or concurrently presenting with traits of minor autism or a mild mood disorder; I think this for various reasons which I won't cover here, but which satisfy the threshold of reasonabilty for 'loose self-diagnosis'- please don't take it as fact!

I know of MDMA’s recent rise in popularity, accompanying its increasing effectiveness in clinical studies at helping promote pro-social behavior and interpersonal communication, so the following could be a placebo-

-as I was acutely aware of why my roommate, who had bought the MDMA, wanted to have a conversation with me, and I had my own expectation that MDMA would make such a conversation easier -

- but I found myself easily expressing emotions that I had kept balled up out of fear of upsetting my friend for years, and it was extremely easy for us both to talk about and accept that we had tried and failed to dedicate our lives to art, but that we still had futures- futures that we spoke about for over an hour and a half.

This was unusual, as we were both well-aware of each other’s typical behavior of getting anxious and depressed and speaking in as little detail as possible when we spoke about the near future, and I was well-known to get flustered and have difficulty with expressing myself. We spoke about that subject next, and we both reminded each other that we had, indeed, each grown more disciplined about improving our lives in the past few months-

- and we spoke to each other on the respective turning points we both had, and I found myself easily talking about my odd homemade sense of spirituality- easily in that I wasn’t afraid to express myself, which was rare for me but can be achieved when I get drunk, but also easily in that I found the words to express what I meant clearly, as long as you don’t mind the crazy run-on sentences that you see on display in this writing.

10:30 PM - 12:00 PM,
T+2.50 - t+4
I went inside and spent some time alone, working, again, on my essay; and again, it was feverish- I felt as if I was constantly losing track of where I was, but finding it again somehow, on the edge of my seat- but it felt rewarding, as I watched the essay I had started at 8pm grow into a nearly complete rough draft that talked about a perspective on the assigned short story that I had only just came up with that day in detail and with clear, solid reasoning. I stopped a few times to drink some water, and had drunk about 44oz of water by midnight.

12:00 AM - 12:40 AM
T+4
Around 12:00, my roommate came over, ending his own personal work session, and we redosed. He redosed another, ~200mg of the crystal we had, insufflation; I dosed another ~200mg, and he went outside, bidding me to join him when I felt up to it.

I stayed inside for forty minutes, until the come up was gripping me intensely- I begin to realize it was quite a lot more intense than it had been before, but this thought didn’t make me uneasy, though it did cause me to worry a bit about possible heart problems or overdose (which were unlikely, as the most strenuous task I did was walk briskly or go up and down the stairs every few hours, but my inexperience with MDMA and history of stimulant usage made me extra-cautious). I spent this forty minutes finishing my writing, telling myself, every ten minutes, that I would take a break here and go relax; my new writing slowed down and speed up, alternating with every 10min period between writing new sentences and then rearranging or otherwise editing them down to much less text. I felt that I could use (and had warranted) a break from this fever of writing, so I went out front to smoke another bowl.

12:40 AM - 4:40 AM
T+ 4.40 - t+8:40;
T2+0.00 - t2+4.40
In the late stages of my first dose, but in the swelling comeup of the second dose (both insufflated, and thus both with a heady onset and trailing comedown), I went out front to smoke a bowl and started talking with my friend while texting my romantic partner; I found myself with a deep desire and ability to communicate to my partner information about myself- about the source of my odd behavior and anti-social attitudes that perplexed them the most about me; I wanted to explain to them why I held so many seemingly contradictory opinions, and why I struggled to explain myself in a manner I was happy with when we talked about them.

I found myself being drawn into this text, which quickly exceeded the character limit for a text, and became a google document; I spent three hours, from 12:40 - 3:40, writing what became an essay with barely a moment or two to stop, often moving my fingers across my phone’s keyboard so fast that I could barely type at all; stopping to look at the clock every once in a while, but returning immediately, feverishly, compulsively to this essay, which had turned into the clearest, most understandable and comprehensive description of my own personal sense of spirituality/philosophy that I had ever produced, after several tries.

Twice, my roommate came outside with me only to try and engage me in conversation and be rebuffed; nothing was more important to me than writing this paper, and it functioned as an odd sort of self-acceptance therapy.

This essay- the act of writing it- organized my thoughts to the point that I came to realize how deeply I was obsessed with this sense of spirituality (I.e., my own personal belief of what is ‘important’ in life)- how it lays at the root of all of my guilty feelings about myself, about my lifestyle and what I do with my time- and how it motivates me to be a better person, as well as how it comes from/feeds into my inability to socialize and my lack of empathy in an interpersonal sense.

5AM
T+9;00h
T2+5:00h
I learned that I had a foundational belief to myself, and now, with that knowledge, I am better equipped to be able to interpret new information and check myself and my reasoning for errors, as well as better able to account for them. I have a deep sense of acceptance of myself, right now; at 5AM having spent the past hour writing this very piece of text, with that same feverish desire to express myself, combined with the openness and lack of self-consciousness to think that I might post it somewhere so it could be of some use to somebody else.

And it feels super satisfying, because it’s just converting my hyperactive thoughts into text, and at the end, I feel triumphant for having accomplished something.

Now, winding down into the comedown from my second large dose, I feel a sense of restlessness at the thought of stopping this writing session; but I feel a sense of self-love, and want to give myself a relaxing break from searching my brain for words to put on this screen. But more likely, I’ll go back to the second essay I started writing, and write even more specific details about my reason for existing; or, more likely now that I think about it, masturbate, because doing so really appeals to my sense of short-term reward. Which is what the nature of addiction is, which is why MDMA and other stims are so addictive; but if you’re an addict, you can learn to put that reward-seeking behavior to use for your long-term reward mechanism, and get high on getting high.

A weirdly cathartic, yet intensely tiring, night of self-discovery and self-actualization.

Exp Year: 2020ExpID: 114761
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Oct 7, 2020Views: 623
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MDMA (3) : Various (28), Relationships (44), Performance Enhancement (50), General (1)

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