Citation: i started a toke. "Closure and Immensely Cathartic: An Experience with LSD & DMT (exp114662)". Erowid.org. Aug 14, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114662
||(edible / food)
| T+ 2:00
| T+ 4:30
||3 - 4 hits
Closure and an Immensely Cathartic Experience
So for some context:
This experience took place about 8 years ago, and at the time I was living on campus at a liberal arts/farm college. I had spent the past year living there, including two semesters of school and a job on the campus over the summer. It had been the best year of my life, and possibly still is to this day. The campus (located in the mountains of NC) had a massive amount of land open to the students, including cow fields, forests, mountains, trails, rivers, and even a bamboo forest and an apple orchard. There were only two "public safety officers" on duty at a time, and they typically stuck to the main roads on campus... they didn't really patrol the fields, trails, or areas of the school without roads unless the were called. It was really hard to get caught using drugs on this campus, and even if you were they had very lax drug policies. If you were simply caught with possession of drugs (at least ones like weed or psychedelics), it just meant a write up and MAYBE a drug class. I had friends who had several write ups for drug use and never faced serious consequences.
This may seem like a lot of context, but I need to emphasize how important this time was for me. It was my first time living on my own, and it was also the point in my life where I was really able to experiment with psychedelics on a deeper level. Plus, the campus was relatively small (900 students or so) and very tight knit... the people were fucking awesome. I had made some of the best friends of my life there. And nearly everybody there smoked or tripped regularly. So I was working there over the summer, and I found out that due to a complex situation involving the school raising tuition, I would not be able to keep attending the next year. Naturally, this made me very sad.
That's where this experience begins. I began this trip knowing it would be one of my last living on this campus and even in that state. I was mentally prepared for the trip, I was sad but I was in a mindset where I was eager to appreciate the time I had left there. Me and two other friends decided to drop some acid that someone we knew had, and we already had some DMT so we decided at some point that night we would add that to the mix. So we bought the LSD (on sugar cubes), and we were told that the doses were a bit lower than usual so they were cheaper. Knowing this, I still took only two.
(it's been a long time since this trip, so time stamps are approximate)
T+0:30 - I began to feel that strange, silly sensation that indicates a trip is coming on. Colors seemed slightly more enhanced, and my friends and are were starting to feel 'giggly'. Pretty standard fare for coming up on LSD.
T+1:00 - It hadn't been very long, but I could already tell the trip was going to be very mild. I hadn't really developed in visuals yet, mostly just enhanced colors and a slight psychedelic head space. We decided to make our way to one of the cow fields and watch the stars.
T+2:00 - We were still in the field... lying down, smoking weed and looking at the sky. At this point, I was starting to get some mild visuals- very slight traces with motion and some rainbows stretching between the stars. If I closed my eyes I was beginning to see some familiar geometric patterns. As I had assumed it was a fairly light trip... I would probably guess that each sugar cube probably contained around 40ug of LSD. I was happy with the mild trip, too. I knew that we would eventually be smoking some DMT, so at the time I was content with how things were. The most pronounced effect was just a deep sense of love and appreciation for my friends as well as the time we were spending together in nature.
T+2:30 - My friend decides we should go to another cow field, as she believed there were actually cows in that field at the time.
T+2:45 - Sure enough, there were. The cows were always a bit skittish of people coming by at night, but we knew from experience that if we were quiet and still they would come to us. So we sat in the grass nearby and began to meditate. My closed eye visuals were pretty pronounced for how light the trip was, and it was very easy to just space out. Every time I opened my eyes, the cows were a little closer to us. Soon, they were right next to us, grazing silently. Sitting there in peace and quiet and having a bunch of cows slowly come up to you is a very beautiful feeling. We sat there with them in silence just enjoying that moment.
T+3:30 - I was beginning to peak, but it was still a very tranquil and low key trip. As a group, we felt it was getting close to the time for us to smoke the DMT. We decided to take a short hike up the mountain to a cool little spot by the river. It was a bit of a long walk, so it would give us some time to prepare ourselves for the experience.
T+4:00 - It was a pretty quiet hike, but the walk really cleared my head and was a very meditative experience during this trip. As we approached our destination, I began to feel very emotional. The sadness that I would be leaving this place mixed with how happy I was to be with my friends in that moment become a combination of feelings that was hitting me quite deeply.
T+4:30 - We had arrived at the little patch of land by the river where we had planned our DMT trip. We had spent a few minutes in silence preparing ourselves, and then we loaded our devices. I personally used a small bong I had carried in my backpack. Once we had all prepared our doses, we smoked at the same time.
I took maybe three or four hits, I can't remember exactly. Colors began to consume the entirety of my vision, so I just closed my eyes and allowed myself to be transported. As I blasted off, I could feel those deep emotions boiling within me. And something new hit me -- loneliness. I realized I was leaving nearly all of my closest friends behind by leaving, and was suddenly beginning to feel a strange sense of nostalgic sadness. For some reason at that moment I began to truly appreciate that no matter how close we become to others, at the end of the day our journey is our own. For some reason in this moment, this idea was absolutely heart breaking to me. As all of this was swimming in my head, I felt a presence approaching me. It was actually a presence I was familiar with, because I had sensed it during many of my previous DMT trips. I never saw anything, but I always got the impression that it felt like some type of animal sniffing at me in a curious way. At this moment, I was in the middle of a huge emotional revelation and desperately trying to sort out my feelings, and this presence just felt distracting. I found myself wishing it would go away so I could focus on myself, but it just grew more "curious" of me and continued to invade my space. That's when it hit me.
So for just a little bit more context. When I was a kid, like ages 7-12, I had a dog. It was a dalmatian named 'Chester'. I had loved that dog as a kid, but my parents had left him outside while we were gone one day... and when we came back he was gone. I don't know if he got out of the fence or if someone took him, but I never saw him again. I was crushed that I never even got to say goodbye to him again.
The realization that this presence that was sniffing at my face was Chester came instantaneously. And as soon as it did, I began to bawl my eyes out. Immediately, the presence became a million times more playful, and I could feel it run around me excitedly. I was playing with my childhood dog again, and I felt like I had been given the farewell I had always wanted. I just sat there crying harder and harder.
I felt like I had been given the farewell I had always wanted. I just sat there crying harder and harder.
All my loneliness was gone. It became clear to me that people, animals, and things that meant so much to me would always be a part of me. And suddenly, the thought that I was alone on the path of life did not feel like such a sad thing. As the trip began to fade, I had a strong feeling that it wasn't "goodbye" at all.
Tears still running down my face, I realized something. I was still sad to be leaving that school, that state and my friends, but that sadness wasn't heavy anymore, it felt so much more pure and beautiful. I was thankful for the time I did have, and optimistic about the beauty and new experiences ahead of me. I felt like a new connection had been made within me... a connection to everything and everyone that has touched me and a connection to life itself. It was one of the single most cathartic experiences of my life. I spent the rest of the LSD trip just sitting in the forest talking to my friends, knowing that there was significance in that present moment.
Even in the weeks after this experience, the sadness of leaving that school wasn't so painful, and the new found sense of connection and optimism remained. I want to clarify that I don't necessarily believe that the entities encountered on DMT are 'real', or that you are actually taken to another dimension. I acknowledge that I don't really 'know' anything for sure, but I do not operate under the assumption that I was actually contacted by the spirit of my childhood dog. What I do believe was that I found a part of myself that I had left buried for years, and rediscovering that was able to heal me tremendously on an emotional level. It was the type of experience that doesn't matter if it's "real". It was beautiful and it changed me for the better. So in that sense it was absolutely real.
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