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Happy to Exist
LSD
by Dive
Citation:   Dive. "Happy to Exist: An Experience with LSD (exp114607)". Erowid.org. Jul 30, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114607

 
DOSE:
3 hits oral LSD (blotter / tab)
BODY WEIGHT: 155 lb
This is the story of the trip that made me fall in love with LSD. I would say it was my most eye opening and beautiful experience while on a psychedelic. This report was part written the day after the trip, some notes from during the trip that I attempted to record and some commentary a few years after with more fresh and mature eyes.

Looking back it feels like a sweet dream that I remember fondly. It was when life was good and peaceful. I was still in university with a safety net to land on and a world of possibilities in front of me. I did not yet have to work a job and school had been going well so far. My mental health was positive, my environment was beautiful and I had no ongoing troubles to worry about. The school quarter had just finished and it was time for an enjoyable summer break free from studies. The perfect time to experiment with lovely Lucy.

~ Intro ~

It was the second week of summer break and I was living with my girlfriend A and two of her friends M & L were staying with us. The plan was for me, A, and L to all take some tabs in the morning and trip throughout the day while M would be the sitter. I had only tripped two times before. The first time on one 100 ug tab and the second on 2 100 ug tabs. So I thought the time was right to try three tabs. It would be A's second time tripping and she was going to take just a single tab. L was the most experienced in the group and was also going to take three tabs like myself. So we picked the day that worked best for all of us and started to prepare mentally for the fun ahead.

I woke up excited at around 8:00 AM that morning and kissed A on the forehead telling her today was going to be a beautiful day. I had all these thoughts twirling in my head from eagerness. Hoping it would bond us together I wrote in my journal : "Going to take a journey today, I look forward to what new sensations will be felt, what new experiences will be had. I feel fresh and excited! Enthused to see more beauty than I've ever grasped before".

Looking back I think my wildly optimistic attitude at the time led the path of my trip in a positive direction. I was in such a happy place at that moment, being in a relationship for the first time, living on our own, feeling freer than ever before. It was a time of discovery and exploration. My idealistic mind had not one negative thought.

~Beginning~

As we woke up one by one and slowly got out of bed, we all gathered in the kitchen. Everyone was buzzing from excitement knowing the today would be special. We made scrambled eggs and hashbrowns for a light breakfast. A and L had a banana while I had some blueberries. I passed on coffee not wanting a stimulant to interfere with my trip. We sat around our small dingy kitchen table as the morning sunlight crept in encompassing our smiles and small talk. L said she was excited to swim and M joked to keep her clothes on. It was decided at 9:35 AM we would drop.

T-9:35 AM Just took my three tabs, putting on episode 12 of Samurai Champloo while we wait for the come up

I sat cuddled on the couch with my arms around A while we watched the anime. After a few episodes I noticed my body beginning to vibrate and feel heavy. I wouldn't describe it as uncomfortable, but rather as something was happening, stirring up the energy within me. I looked at the clock and wrote in my journal-

T-10:13 AM Starting to feel weird, like there is electricity in my stomach and sides. Rubbing the skin of my arm along A's arm feels more tingly than normal. No visual additions so far, but I think I'm coming up.

I knew it wouldn't be long now. I was becoming more absorbed in small details in the show. Noticing the soundtrack and animation and felt like I understood the characters better than ever. I felt so grateful to be there with A, noticing how she was gently entwining her arms with mine probably provided comfort for the both of us.

The energy within me was building. I began to notice rays of sunshine coming in and became more focused with the light and shadows than the show itself. I got up and looked outside the blinds and the tree scape scenery looked stunningly sharp. It felt like a high definition picture. The trees moved gently in the breeze and the morning light seemed to dance around sparkling everything it touched.

Everything felt good. I quickly scribbled the time and a note in my journey.

T-11:04 AM I feel alive. I feel high. I want to be a cloud floating in the sky.

My body was tingling and my vision was sharp. Sounds began to sound exaggerated and when I would like at the screen it would appear to be glitching with discoloured and inverted pixelations on the characters. A and L decided to put on planet earth and M was sitting with them on her laptop. I said I was going to go lay on the grass outside and look at the sky.

I remember laying there lost in thought. Feeling heavy yet light. Energetic and restless. It was coming on stronger now. I recall thinking about what was happening in that exact spot 2000 years ago. What animals or people or plants had lived on this piece of earth I was laying on right now. I thought about all the history that we would never really know. All the small details and events that happened on every space on earth. Then my mind was blown when I thought about all the things happening in the universe that we have no clue about. At the moment history seemed too large for me to comprehend. It seemed like there was too much data for such a small creature as myself.

I thought about my human ancestors. What great stories their lives had been. All lost to time and history. I vividly imagined what life was like one hundred thousand years ago. There were no cities full of buidlings like today. There was no electrical technologies and cars and infrastructure like there was today. They were still in the wild, I thought. They had to find their own foods and the land was not yet owned. They would have to fight for territories and fight for survival. I was fascinated as I watched my own imaginings of human life back then.

I noticed that I am still genetically similar to those humans that lived in the past. I began to look at my body and then the earth and the sky, wondering if they saw it the same way. Was me looking at the blue sky the same as them? I took off my shirt and looked at my skin and chest and abs and admiring that I was human. I looked at the hair pattern on my arms and was in awe of my animal form. I could see the resemblance to our ape ancestors. I knew without a doubt I was what we called animals and that they were no different a being than me.

I picked up a rock and pondered about its history. Where had it come from and how did it form? My ancestors too must have used rocks for many things. I felt a strange connection to the rock knowing that we both are made up from the universe. We both have existences unknown to many. The rocks life for the most part was unexamined. How many more existences have been unexamined throughout geologic history?

I looked at a tree, it seemed alive. It seemed grand and wise. It too was living. It had its own path through history to get right here to this moment. Me and the tree both traversed time and incredible odd to get right here to be with each other at the same time. I felt an immense connection to all living things in the same time as me, knowing what long crazy path they took to be here now existing. A huge swell of gratitude washed upon me and I was so happy to exist in this time and space. It felt like the pinnacle of the universe had brought all these branches of events together to form this exact space and time. I felt home. I felt like this was my proper place and realized that everything was always in its rightful place.

At this point I took off the rest of my clothes and began walking around like I imagined an ancient hunter gatherer would have. I examined the grass and the tree and watched the birds. I completely forgot about current society and felt like I was living in a natural wild world. It felt like my life was to peacefully walk around in nature observing all the creatures and happening. I knew that every single thing had come to be from the long paths their ancestors traveled. I knew the trees were connected by a long history of other trees, that rocks came to be here by breaking off larger rocks and ultimately that we were all tied to the formation of earth and the universe.

I was vibing to this idea of everything being connected by long paths of history when M came out to check on me. She must have noticed I was walking around naked and asked me if I was ok. A came out behind her and came up to me wrapping her arms around me in a hug covering my exposed body. I think her presence slapped me back to reality and I'm lucky I didn't further embarrass myself in that situation.

I put my shorts back on and we went back inside. L was playing some trippy music and it felt like I was entering some type of limbo party lounge. I felt like I was an ancient hunter gatherer that must have died in some tribal dispute and was being shown to a different dimension that we lead me to a different life. This was the waiting room before you are reborn as someone else I thought. L was dancing with her eyes closed moving her hands over one another in waves. I felt like A was the angel in charge of my life case as she was leading me holding my hand.

I sat on the couch thinking that this was the waiting room and something was about to happen. I was going to be assigned a new existence or start a new life somewhere. I wasn't afraid but began asking A if I would lose my memories when it happened. I said it would be cool if we got to keep our memories after death and continue to learn life after life, but if memory loss was part of the natural process then I would have to accept it.

A ran with what I was saying and said that she doesn't know what happens after death and that we should enjoy right now. Agreeing with her she convinced me to dance and I decided I wasn't going to worry about me being dead and just enjoy whatever moments I have left. I realized that all I really was, was experience itself. I was having the experience of being human. Everything was just experience. Sensation and experience. We could know nothing outside of experience.

After a while of zoning in to the music and moving in a trance I began feeling ecstatic bliss. I remember seeing everyone brightly smiling laughing and sweating and a huge wave of euphoria seemed to carry us all. We were all holding hands making a four person circle moving around and around throwing out a kick here and there. At times if felt like some ritual was taking place made for transcendence. It was as if doing this dance was the key to bliss and I never wanted to stop.

But the ritual ended and A pulled me onto the couch to lay down. By this time it was probably almost 1 PM and we were full on tripping. I had comeback to my senses for the time being remembering who I was and that I was on a drug.

~ Middle ~
We laid on the couch for a little until L and M asked us if we wanted to go hike to the waterfall/swimming spot down the street. We decided it would be fun to walk around and be outside in the sun so we began to get ready. M and L went to change into a bathing suit while A and I did the same. I remember taking off my clothes again and jumping face down onto bed naked. A gave me a back massage and I now recommend massages to any couples on acid. It was heavenly. After the massage I didn't want to move, so she put sunscreen all over me as I laid there, turning over as she told me to. Eventually I had to put on my swimming shorts and get up to go. Before I left I jotted down a note.

T-1:27 PM Having a girlfriend is awesome while on acid. I love Axxxx! Time to go on an adventure. How lovely it is to be a human and able to feel.

As we began to walk I notice how hot the sun feels. The dusty trail ground looks like purple waves and the wooden fence posts are swirling designs. The sky in the distance is razor sharp. I feel like I'm in a movie or music video. We walk and talk about how beautiful a day it is. The trail is not a long one and after ten minutes of walking we get to this really cool part where it's fully of greenery and the plants looked giant. We descend this hill made up of small wooden stairs in the middle of this green veggy forest and reach our destination. At side of the swimming hole I take off running ahead of the group and jump in the water. It feels amazing and refreshing. I don't know how to describe how it looked, but it was magical. The light on the water danced in patterns and I felt like I was flying. The girls follow me and one by one get in the water. We swim in circles around each other and splash about.At one point I thought it was a good idea to get naked again and climbed the side of the hill to jump in. I don't know why LSD makes me want to take my clothes off. It felt freeing to be atop a hillside free falling in watery bliss. A convinced me to put my shorts back on and we all dried off sunbathing in its bright wavy beams. After a while of laying there meditating in the sun M decides it's a good time to head back.

~END~

We get back to our place and L takes a shower, while me, A and M play a card game. After a few games M makes us a healthy smoothie and I go on my laptop listening to music and watching youtube videos. I remember reflecting upon one of the videos and thinking all types of interesting thoughts, not lost to history. Influenced by whatever video I watched, I did write one thing on my laptop which I'm glad I saved.

The world may never know.

What was in my head will not be known by the people that know me. They will not have the chance to see what I have done and make an opinion about it. It saddens me that the majority of myself will go unseen.

"Even I will forget myself. All of these thoughts will fall forgotten as I move through time. Fall away like leaves of my mind’s past. Decay into something I no longer know- something no longer held in the records of my memory. There is so much we don’t see. That we can’t see. That we can’t know.

And so much that we forget. Blinded by a weak fragile wetware hard drive."

After a while I had come down, but felt a tremendous peace. We chilled around the house for the rest of the day, ate a nice dinner, took a shower. At night I laid in bed for a while until I managed to fall asleep easily. The afterglow the next day was vibrant. I felt happy to exist.

Looking back this was one of the happiest times of my life. I feel so grateful to LSD for allowing me to experience peak happiness at least once. I felt like it amplified a perfect day to new heights. After I had a few more challenging trips where I learned more, but this one showed me how nice the human experience can be. I'm happy LSD exists and happy to exist as a human, no matter how bad things seem.

Exp Year: 2014ExpID: 114607
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Jul 30, 2020Views: 676
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LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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