Citation: Nathaly. "A Journey Without Control: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp114232)". Erowid.org. Apr 12, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114232
I traveled. It did not have to be a physical space, I did not have to go far, I traveled inside myself with a drink called yagé. This type of travel with natural stimulants will always be strong, you feel a fight with yourself, it is a visit to the soul. The screeching sounds, psychedelic images, and natural vapors now disturb me. Sometimes I am thoughtful about death and what surrounds us. Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, sometimes I'm afraid of being alone, sleeping alone, the dark. Sometimes it smells of that, of burned branches, of nature to peace, and it disturbs me, I start to think that there will be after earth, life on other planets, the existence of humanity, in death, and I keep thinking. These are my symptoms after the trip, I suppose that over time it will pass, there are people who know how to control themselves better in this type of situation, it all depends.
I get on a bus to Candelaria, in the email it said where, when and how the taking of the yagé would take place, they specified not having had sexual intercourse for two weeks, not having eaten meat, not being pregnant, or on the days of menstruation. I arrived at a large farm. I settle in a tent that we carry with us in the cleared part, more or less about 5 meters from a campfire that is in a concrete circle, there could be approximately 30 people, but today there are only about 15.
The shamans or taitas of the night are 3 people from Putumayo between 18 years the youngest and 35 years the eldest, they have crystal eyes, they are sincere, their skin is healthy, smooth, beautiful. They are preparing brandy with seeds, and they burn branches like those of the churches but this smell is different, it makes me feel calm, it is totally relaxing; they say that this is a remedy, with this one is cured of all ills and that is why I should not be afraid. We do not deserve a millennial trip, we are currently making rituals move to the city, we contribute to the disappearance of traditions, we make economy of spiritual trips, and our war policies push these indigenous people out of their village, they charge for the treatment, they are 30 thousand pesos a shot. This is the human world, but the one I have to enter is not managed in this way.
I go because I want to know what yagé is. I have already tried several natural stimulants and they have helped me to remind myself of who I am, I am ready. I am accompanied by Daniel, he also wants to know new worlds. He understands all of its chemical components.
I look at the whole world and no matter how much the shamans talk I can't concentrate, I don't know what will come, I'm scared, I see each person go towards them and take a totuma with a dark liquid, they make faces that tastes horrible, then they drink water, and then sit around the campfire. I. I don't want to go, well yes, I stop and see the thick liquid like a coffee pot, I look the shaman in the eye, and he beckons me to try it. I take it, it tastes horrible, but I don't drink to drink. I sit down with Daniel and wait for it to take effect.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MIND
"Nathaly, you're scaring me, Nathaly you're fine", Daniel is in front of me, he looks but he fades quickly, everything becomes small, suddenly I see him vomiting and I'm sitting in the tent in front of the exit, someone is playing outside the flute, I still see Daniel in four vomiting, I see the roof of the tent, I'm lying down, Daniel is no longer, if this, is not, no, no longer.
The images explode in my head, I don't have a body and I don't feel anything, I just watch and listen, everything repeats, it's like déjà vu, “it's like…” I can't speak. I do not know where I am, I look around and I am walking on sand, but I am not in my body I see everything from above, I am trying to get out of there, the voices say that this cannot be done, everything is being controlled, I see my mom sitting with circles on parts of her body, which make me realize that I do the same, I am like her, I see flowers, I see pink and yellow colors that mix, I see Daniel, I want him to help me, he disappears, no! I need to tell him to help me get out of here, I have to tell him that I have to get out of here, but the voices explain that when I try to count it I will go back to the beginning, everything will repeat itself, Daniel vanishes. I am just thoughts.
It is déjà vu, "it's like ..." I can't speak. The voices mock my inexperience, I did not know that we are being controlled, curiosity is my weak point, I have to understand, but I can not, I do not understand anything! only that they control us, I think and I think how to get out of there but I go back to an anthill that instead of ants we are all, yes, all of humanity, they observe us, "hahaha" the laughter becomes overwhelming, every time I try to explain it and understand very high voices in reverse are heard and everything starts again, like explaining to others that we are being controlled by something I don't know what it is, I feel overwhelmed, and I remember being with him.
Where will he be? It doesn't matter, I have to get out of here, I'm cold, but I don't know where I am, I see myself from afar in the images but I don't have control of my body, that part of me completely forgets it, I'm tired, this is exhausting I think. If I can't get out of here, if I can't explain or understand this, it will be remembering my life, and what if we're being controlled? , love is not controlled, it is something that cannot be controlled, so what? I no longer care not to understand, I like my life, that's fine. I must relax.
I am in space, there is no more life there than me, absolutely nothing is heard, the planet earth is in front of me, it dies and is reborn, like a rotten fruit it dies, but everything begins again.
It seems that that was the answer to my trip, so what? We feel so safe on earth, in our country, in our home, with our scientists, with our absolute truths, what the hell, we are all scared die, lose sanity, think that we are not autonomous in our decisions. There must be other dimensions, someone to observe us, something else. I say that there is something else, something that with our organism we cannot perceive, only with our death or its simulation of it can we transgress reality and know other things.
Awake, I'm outside the tent, I don't know why I'm so wet, I wish I had brought more clothes, another blanket. In the distance I can see the fire, I stop and everything spins, in the drunkenness one moves but the world is still, this is a different dizziness, I walk between accordions with hard and soft parts, I cannot control my footsteps and I have a lot cold, suddenly I'm in the tent, I don't know what I'm doing lying there, the songs of the taita are heard in the distance, "aiaua, yauma, umama, iahua" I get out of the tent, and take a blanket, it's wet, my body is very light but I want to go to bed, I go to the tent and lie down, explosions are heard and a lot of noise, I look outside to see what is happening and the sky is colored, war explosions appear, there are helicopters and fire, I look at it in detail and then I think that if we are at war they would come to pick me up, Daniel would not leave me lying here, this must be the yagé and I go back to bed. The worst is over, now a few visions do nothing to my nerves. Daniel picks me up, I see him green, we go to the campfire and I can't speak yet, I don't have a tongue, I stare at the sky as if they were watching us.
WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BODY
You were pale, Daniel said when I asked him what I had done. I looked at you and you told me that you were afraid, that we would fall asleep, you went to bed and started making strange sounds, I told you that if you were fine, you did not answer me, I was very scared, he said.
I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't, you started crying I took away your tears and there you scared me more, you started to vomit lying down, and I had to get you out of the tent, you did not stop vomiting, outside you sat with your hands back and you vomited, you vomited a lot, you went to bed and you did not respond, I left you there to tell the Taita that you were very bad but he said "leave her, she has to fight with her demons", I stayed at the campfire with my eyes on you, until I didn't see you anymore then, I went to look for you in the tent.
I must clarify that I do not remember any of this, even if he says that I was looking him straight in the eye. He is someone spiritually strong, serene, he did not succumb to the taking of such power made drink, he was not afraid, he kept seeing the shapes in the air and he also lost the time and space created by the human, but not like me, he was partially fine.
THE NEXT MORNING
I'm finally falling asleep, when I hear a voice outside the tent telling us that cleaning is going to start, I got up and went to the circle of the campfire, I'm still a little dizzy, I see people in the bathroom that don't feel well, we stand in a circle and they start to pray to us, I don't know what they are saying but I was tired to ask, they sprayed us with the brandy they prepared at night and it feels very good, especially in the areas with pitting mosquito, it seems that I spent a long time outside the tent, I like the smell a lot, it smells of herbs, nature, fresh, it relaxes me, and the session ends.
Now I understand why you should have a diet before the trip, there are people who are dizzy, there are people who are still vomiting, there are others who did not receive the last prayer because they stained their pants. I, I feel wonderful, just like in the end of scary movies, the tension, the worry, the nerves are over
I feel wonderful, just like in the end of scary movies, the tension, the worry, the nerves are over
, they already killed the monster, the ghost, the murderer.
On the way home, I think about what happened to me, and it is inexplicable, they warned me that I was not going to be able to explain it, and it is true, I only have conclusions for me, about my life and it is a night where you learn many things about yourself and life, sometimes there are problems that cannot be seen until they are shown to us, I am fine, now I am very well.
Yes, of course, I'm already ready for another shot. I don't care if after that night I have to go back to sleep a whole month for fear accompanied, or change songs on my playlist, or change a movie because its theme is related to something of my trip, all that would happen, and more important things will remain. Things that make me grow, things to think about.
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