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Holding On To Each Other
by Valk
Citation:   Valk. "Holding On To Each Other: An Experience with LSD (exp113793)". Nov 19, 2019.

1 hit sublingual LSD (blotter / tab)



A few weeks ago my GF (we’ll call her “Summer”) and I (we’ll call me “Valk”) did our first trip on LSD, taking 150ug. Experience was amazing for us. Visuals, mental expansion, good conversations, everything we hoped for our first time but it left us a bit hungry to go higher, expand our minds further, to see *more*. So with that in mind we decided to drop 250ug in an incremental increase of what we did our first time. And oh boy. It was a ride. Not sure if the dosage was higher than we were told or if the effects going from 150ug and 250ug are just that much more pronounced but wow. Visuals everywhere of all kinds, some ego-death like experiences reminiscent of losing a sense of self and what reality is (your place in the world, where you begin and end, losing a sense of perspective in thought, thinking from a third person “view” and etc), thought loops, synesthesia, moments of overwhelming euphoria, love, tears, fear, and also some panic about safety and hurting oneself (not suicidal, but just thoughts of possible injury while tripping). Was an experience. Trip lasted in total, from taking the tabs to getting in bed trying to sleep, about 12-13 hours.
Trip lasted in total, from taking the tabs to getting in bed trying to sleep, about 12-13 hours.
Also this is mostly written from my perspective, but at times Summer adds her thoughts. Enjoy!

The Trip:

So after showering, cleaning myself up, and putting on some clothes I had put out for tripping, Summer and I took one tab at around 8:20PM, supposedly 250ug each. Putting them under our tongue we left them there for around 5 minutes or so before swallowing them with a little bit of water. After that we chilled, talked about random stuff and what we expected to happen, ate some food, set up our VR headsets in advance to make it easy in case we wanted to get on, and waited for the effects to start.

Summer Thoughts: "The thing I always notice during the come-up is some stomach discomfort. It feels kinda like negative G forces like when you’re falling on a roller coaster or suddenly cresting a hill while driving. There is also a decent amount of jaw pressure like someone is grabbing the sides of your mouth and squeezing. These feelings slowly fade as you approach the peak, and completely disappear once you hit it."

As happened in our last trip, the effects took about an hour to really get rolling/started but once they did they were very apparent. Laying on the floor together looking at the ceiling which has a soffit running down the middle, and seeing it get wavy and pulse slowly, I knew we were well on our way. Throwing on a YouTube playlist with good music/visuals, we laid around enjoying ourselves on the floor or the couch talking about stuff and just enjoying the sights as they started to manifest.

After awhile, and due to me pretty much drinking water the whole time (being on acid I’ve discovered gives me a need to drink a lot), we decided to venture out of the computer room and towards the bathroom. Going to the bathroom and leaving the “safety” of the office/computer room is always a bit of a production for us when we’re tripping and we pretty much always do it together when we drop, as being apart seems to on occasion send Summer (or me possibly) into a bad space if we don’t have each other there as a rock to lean on. At this point we were definitely on the come-up but not quite peaking yet. Pretty good amount of visuals, some audio distortion, and we definitely were getting into a mental head space together. After a thankfully uneventful trip to the bathroom, not counting the bug we saw on the wall haha, we were back in the office just chilling and watching our trip playlist on the 4k flat screen TV.

What I’ve found amazing about acid is just how much color it can add to usually black and white only images/videos. There’s this amazing animation on YT that is black and white only but combine it with acid and it feels as if there is color everywhere in it. Like rainbow effects in every cell, every frame. Kind of like what you see looking through a prism or what it projects onto a wall. That combined with the jaw dropping soundtrack it makes for an amazing video to trip to. I ended up getting on my knees on the floor with my feet tucked beneath me, allowing all my focus to go into the video. It becomes a surreal experience, my entire world, my entire existence becomes this animation. It’s an amazing thing to feel and is hyper powerful. Also watched an Alan Watts music video which is also absolutely jaw dropping. They both are great videos to come-up on as the effects are hitting me. The last video has actually made me cry it felt so emotional in the moment. As do other videos on this drug, it boosts my emotions soooo much.

Summer Thoughts: "The difference between 150ug and 250ug when it came to visuals and sounds was considerable. 150 had patterns manifest on surfaces and behind closed eyes, but 250 felt like visuals were overlaying your entire vision. Everywhere I looked, patterns and rainbow swirls took over, and the more I let my vision “space out”, the more intense it got. Meanwhile, sound was getting very distorted. Sometimes it felt like sounds were coming out of boxes, or that things were stuttering. We could feel the nature of sound change if we held a cup close to our ears. At one point, music didn’t even sound like music anymore as it was so choppy, pitch shifted, warbley, and just outright chaotic. Couple this with synesthesia and suddenly I was seeing sounds, feeling smells, hearing visuals all while my brain was highly influenced by any change in mood or emotion. Every sensory input was felt throughout all of my senses and it was such a profound experience. It’s one of those things you truly need to experience to understand."

For awhile longer we watched more videos, talked, looked at the walls, Summer poured me some Pepsi and paused for a second mid-pour (for her she said that pause felt like minutes), I had a moment where I was unsure where my body ended and where it began, and we just enjoyed everything. After that there was another trip to the bathroom. At this point we were just about to reach the peak and were really beginning to experience the visuals as they were becoming very noticeable even without having to focus on any one thing. For example the wall in the front bathroom of our condo is so good for this drug lol. It breathes, and swirls, and changes shape all around you; it seems as if the bathroom itself seems to breath. Also note these bathroom trips probably happened every hour from now until the end of the trip, so I’ll stop mentioning them. But realize this regularness, bathroom breaks every hour, maybe contributed to some of the mental looping we found ourselves in later. A reality that repeats in regular ways, like going to the bathroom every hour, can get me thinking in loops. Sadly though we did one bad thing when we went to the bathroom this time, we left the door open to the office when we were gone and our cat JoJo managed to get inside without us realizing.

As we got back into the room, we shut the door and I started to look at some of the art in the room. Was at this point I started to believe I’d peaked as the visuals were becoming much, much more insane compared to our last trip. The art and posters were literally exploding for me, faces breaking apart, morphing and pulsing as they grew smaller and larger, things sliding apart, pieces of the drawings appeared 3D and seemed to come out of the posters/paintings, rainbows and halos around what seemed to be everything, and etc. Was an amazingly beautiful view for me. Sounds as if it would be scary to see these things happen but in the moment for me, it was just a sense of “omg this is fucking awesome” lol.

It was soon after this we finally realized the cat was in-fact in the room with us. JoJo is a great cat but he can be hella stubborn sometimes and hard to get out of a room. And as it was the middle of the night, as cats do, he can get into this mood and start acting restless and crazy. Now when you’re tripping balls and you’re around a kitty that can be aggressive sometimes and/or extra playful/stubborn, that can lead to bad thoughts which at this point in your trip nearing and/or at the peak, can have drastic ramifications for your state of mind. This is what happened to Summer.

I was on the floor trying to coax Jojo out from beneath the couch-side table in the corner and she was on the edge of the couch by the table. After a few seconds no luck, Summer gets up to go across the room to the desk to get the laser pointer (always a good way to get a cat to go where you want) and as she’s getting up Summer has this acid induced “vision/hallucination” of Jojo leaping at her and attacking her that then set her off in a really bad way. Was like flipping a switch. I was distracted with the cat, but as she came back with the laser point I look up at her and see her face. Her eyes have this look of absolute terrified panic, like... the look of incredible fear… as if she has just seen a demon or some other mind meltingly terror inducing entity. It’s hard to describe but it immediately freaked me out and she begins to frantically cling to me telling me to never let go, to please, please, please, not let go of her. I grabbed her tightly, my arms around her, telling her over and over I’m not going anywhere, that I won’t ever let go as long as she wants, reminding her that I love her and that she’s safe with me. I made sure she was safe and somewhat calmed down and got the cat out of the room.

Summer Thoughts: "This is when everything started going downhill for me. When the cat was acting weird, it started unnerving me as it always does when I’m tripping, but this time it went a little further. Valk tells me Jojo didn’t actually do anything hostile, but my fragile sense of reality led to me seeing Jojo come at me like he was literally trying to kill me. My brain was so impressionable, emotional, and easily influenced in that moment that it freaked me the fuck out. I blacked out. It’s like when you hear of people getting so angry that they black out and beat the fuck out of someone and finally come to minutes later wondering what happened. That’s how it was for me, but instead of attacking the cat, I was apparently just frantically trying to get him out of the room. What brought me back was Valk holding me telling me to come back and that everything was okay. When I realized that I had lost control of myself, this sent me into a negative thought loop for hours. I was so terrified that I was going to lose control again and hurt myself somehow, and I just couldn’t get over it."

Was at this point we started rolling hard, riding that wave at the peak, riding the crest of the wave and surfing down the steep cliff of its face. I was truly realizing now that this trip definitely is a magnitude more powerful experience than our previous time when we did 150ug. The next handful of hours were a blur but I’ll try to hit some of the things I remember.

Experiencing mental loops where you find yourself looping back to the same thoughts as if you’re in a cage of your own making/mind, unable to break out. Conscious of the fact you’re looping mentally but unable to stop these thoughts. I wrote in our journal at one point that it's a feeling of helplessness. Stuck in your mind, unable to stop looping. These loops aren’t always terrifying or bad, but you are unable at times to end the cycle, making you feel helpless, unable to control your own mind.

For example, Summer was experiencing a loop that she got stuck on for a bunch of our peak, whether she was really tripping or not, was this reality or not, was she real or not, and etc. Having to remind herself that she’s just in our condo, in our office, doing acid with me and that it would eventually end. She would know this and understand it but would then have herself loop back to questioning what is happening, if she is real, if this is real, entirely forgetting again that she is just laying on the floor of our office on the carpet or sitting on the couch with me. An existential crisis. And looping like that again and again and again and again. And the thing is, and I can confirm this from my own experiences, she was at times aware she was in a loop but unable to escape. It’s like being pulled along, almost as if something is forcing you to experience these thoughts over and over again. Your whole world is often time condensed down to this thought, you almost lose track of your surroundings and are consumed inside your head, even if you have your eyes open.

Summer Thoughts: "So, Valk summed this stage up for me pretty well. The majority of my thought loops at this point were along the lines of “What if I never stop tripping and I’m stuck in this helpless state forever?” and “Does the sober existence I keep trying to reassure myself of actually exist, or is this all something I am making up in the moment?”
“Does the sober existence I keep trying to reassure myself of actually exist, or is this all something I am making up in the moment?”
I was almost certain, for what seemed like an eternity, that Summer did not exist and never has. I completely lost touch with myself, and had begun talking about myself in third person. I never felt like anyone else, but I certainly didn’t feel like myself either. I remember thinking over and over that I just want this to end. It was miserable."

Loops like this can take on a life of their own too, as you seem to almost descend into them. Further and further down into you mind or into the idea you’re looping back to. I mentioned to Summer at the time that it was like going down a sinkhole, a sinkhole with paths that wind down around the walls of the hole, going around and around down and down further and further. But what can happen is sometimes you can trip and fall and instead of winding around the wall and walking the path, you fall headlong down into the pit. Reaching places you aren’t mentally prepared for as you didn’t take the path down but fell headlong towards the bottom, giving you a burst of emotion or a burst of thought that can be too powerful for you to handle causing you to react very powerfully to. Either in a good or bad way.

One thing that happened to me during this point in the trip is I was having a hard time keeping myself from tempting fate in the sense that I wanted to purposely fall down that previously mentioned sinkhole, or something like that, and see where it would lead me. Like I wanted to go out into the dark of the living room with the lights off, me tripping BALLS, and see what I saw: both mentally and visually. Let my mind free, let it take me wherever it wanted, and letting my brain manifest whatever it wanted me to see/hear/smell/touch.

At some point, while Summer and I were laying on the carpet together again, I told Summer of this and she began clinging to me again begging me not to go out there with a lil bit of panic in her voice. (She later said she thought I meant like outside the condo, which I can understand.) Though even if she had known at the time that I only meant the living room, just the dark and shadows would have probably been a big no-no for her.

That thought consumed me for awhile and I got stuck wondering if I really did want to go out there and explore the deeper parts of my psyche or not, and for what reason. It felt like the person that was me was trying to actively fight from letting that happen. I kept telling myself, or kept telling the entity that was me, that on a rational level I didn’t want to do that because Summer was going to need me and I couldn’t ignore her to explore myself. But then I began thinking was that just my subconscious trying to give me a reason not to do it, it saying do not do that you’ll regret it, in a way I would be able to understand and likely agree to. And the thing is that there were parts of this thought process that felt like it wasn’t me thinking it but as if I was thinking of myself in the third-person.Thinking outside of myself. Not me thinking it but the entity known as Valkeir, if that entity even was a thing at that point for me. Eventually after looping through this a bit I came to the conclusion that it was probably good Summer was there to keep me from doing it, regardless of the reason, just because going into a dark room with shadows, with some of the thoughts that were rattling around in my brain, and being by myself, may have been a recipe for disaster and she kept me from that. Kept me from falling into a possible pit of something through her need for my presence.

A good summary for this part of the trip, at the peak, is that it was somewhat like a lucid waking dream
it was somewhat like a lucid waking dream
. You are awake, but at the same time you feel as if you are dreaming. This awareness is counter-intuitive because even though you feel like you are dreaming, you aren’t in control at the same time. Very similar to being in an actual dream and realizing you are dreaming but unable to wake up from it. Also just like in a dream your situation, your mood, your emotions can change on a dime. Things/visuals/sounds can be mentally indistinct, but at the same time vivid. Your entire world can constrict to your body, your mind, your partner, a video, your leggings as the patterns swirl, etc. There is nothing else. This is your world now.

Also a reminder, this entire time the visuals were literally everywhere still, they went on for hours and hours. At times you’d feel the need to close your eyes to give them a rest as it’s exhausting, your eyes feel tired from all the stimulus, but there is no rest. Even with your eyes closed you see colors, and shapes, and fractal patterns dancing in the darkness of your eyelids. “So out of breath from seeing things,” is how we put it. You feel exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally from such an experience.

After maybe an hour or two longer, we were beginning to come down from the big peak and starting to go down the backside. The subsequent peaks getting less and less intense. During this phase it felt as if we were gaining a sense of perspective back. For example while at the peak it felt like we were losing a sense of perspective or a sense of self, and coming down from that huge peak we’re slowly gaining perspective back, settling back into a sense of “I” or “me” rather than “him/her” or even more indistinct pronouns (if you’re even using pronouns). We both were able to get our brains back in a lil bit of order again, at least to the point where we both agreed there were no more existential crises that were going to happen or intense hallucinations and ended up getting intimate and it ended up being really really fun! Wasn’t able to quite cum this time, as it’s still really hard to stay focused long enough, my brain was still going a million miles a minute and every single stimulus was a possible distraction from what my partner was doing. But just gotta say Summer has a very very talented tongue and my sense of feeling her touch and tongue was exquisite. A++++ for effort, would have sex on the floor again.

At some point, towards the last maybe ⅓ of the trip we ended up watching Dean Deacon's "When I Was Done Dying". And I just started crying with tears running down my face during it, it summed up so much of what we had experienced, experiences that I’ve really only touched the surface of in this trip report. Sooo much more happened that I haven’t even mentioned. Tripping is an experience that lasts for hours and hours, and hours. For us, easily 8-12 hours of real time, and in the trip those 8-12 hours can feel like a lifetime, multiple lifetimes, an endless sequence of eternities. I could fill up another 6 pages with our experiences, but it’s so hard to put into words adequately, especially now two days later, what we went through that night and early morning. But in this video they do it beautifully. Soooo many scenes in the video hit REALLY REALLY hard and are sooo fitting.

Finally as the trip began to mellow out and exhaustion began to overwhelm us after everything we experienced, we ended up just chilling for awhile, watching anime, listening to music with our Subpac, messaging friends on discord and etc. Just trying to unwind and decompress a little bit. Visuals were still there but less apparent, noticeable but no longer overwhelming. Eventually we ended up going to the bedroom, got in bed together, held each other and finished our trip together, finally falling asleep.

Exp Year: 2019ExpID: 113793
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: 30 
Published: Nov 19, 2019Views: 583
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LSD (2) : Glowing Experiences (4), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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