Citation: Young and dumb. "Proceed with Extreme Caution: An Experience with Tabernanthe iboga (exp113678)". Erowid.org. Oct 24, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113678
I am a person that suffers from severe OCD characterized by intrusive thoughts. The OCD began after I went through amphetamine addiction during my sophomore year of college.
The OCD began after I went through amphetamine addiction during my sophomore year of college.
After searching for cures in all sorts of places I stumbled across Iboga. First hearing about on the JRE podcast, I then came to hearing the many details about how it felt like your brain was being scrubbed and healed and the visionary phase of the trip was almost like an added benefit. Well, it’s not.
I booked a trip to Canada to a provider. I’m in very good physical condition and ready to have these intrusive thoughts put to rest.
The dosing started around 10 PM, and 8 rounds were administered by the hour. I had high hopes for this, thinking that this drug would heal me and my mind and I’d finally be able to go about my days without horribly intrusive thoughts. Well I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I was raised Catholic and was baptized after birth. The visionary aspect of it started with a certain darkness, in the sense that I was in a dark place with red light that I can only assume was my unconscious. Then things really sped up. I saw the face of one of my best friends dads, saying to me “What are you doing here!!!” He was not happy with me to say the least. He has always been a spiritual mentor for me and is an extremely faithful and devout Catholic. Like I should’ve been. But again I thought my problem had to be fixed by a more physical means, and this one seemed like it would work. The rest of the vision is hard to sequence chronologically. I was in a dark place, and I felt the presence of something malicious. I believe it was the devil. I also believe this because when I opened my eyes, I felt the presence of the evil one in the provider that was “trip sitting” for us.
Then I saw what I can only describe as the eternal. I was in this white space as if my soul/spirit was traveling, and I think that I passed Jesus Christ himself, the only begotten Son of God. He took the form of a beggar and my spirit happily waved at him when I saw him. And then I kept going. Until I approached Him who “Dwells in unapproachable light.” God. I saw God. In case any of you were wondering, in the Bible it says that no one can see God and live. So yeah.
I saw three triangles. Green in color, and they were floating around each other until they merged, then my spirit went onto this road with clouds until it approached the heavenly gates, at which point I stopped and stood for a second and then left again and was awake. At some point around here I noticed for a second that my teeth had grown sharper, like it changed me in some way. Quite possibly into a child of darkness. At another point I was in this bluish darkish unconscious space where this malevolent voice told me all sorts of bad things about people I’m close to.
Then I had an open eyed vision of these dots ins line, which I interpreted as the very base ignored my mind, and I had this sense that one dot was placed at the bottom, “the devil self.” I’m trying to keep my composure as I write this, but just know that this was the most traumatizing experience of my entire existence, and I was doing this looking for healing from my intrusive thoughts. Turns out I let them all the way in.
I was doing this looking for healing from my intrusive thoughts. Turns out I let them all the way in.
I’m not sure if the reason I had the visions I did compared to everyone else is because I have the Holy Spirit in me. At any rate, I feel like a total fuck up. To my parents, my family, my community, and most importantly, to God. Because that thing was none other than the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. And to this day I have no idea why everyone acts like it’s so healing.
Around 12 hours in, I had another horrible experience. Somewhere I read that someone had a vision of receiving a ball of love/light descending into their heart which healed them in some fundamental way. Well I had a vision of the same thing, except when I turned to face it, I realized it was a false light. It was the devil. Fucking with me. Also when I purged, I didn’t vomit normal vomit. It was black stuff that I still feel the emptiness from. I think it must be some sort of substance that maintains your spirit.
I received many signs from God leading up to this that I didn’t notice until after the fact. Songs I was listening to the night before leaving include: from the shinedown album attention! “devil” “monsters” “you’re not special”; “wrong side of heaven” by five finger death punch, and “into the fire” by Asking Alexandria. On the way to the airport, I listened to “What is the devil?” On the Aubrey Marcus podcast. This, combined with the experience, have me pretty convinced of the authenticity of it, combined with divine intervention on God’s behalf, to which I feel so sorrowful and repentant for continuing on in spite of. Now I feel like God hates me, but I know God isn’t capable of hate. I really wish I hadn’t gone, and I hope when I die God will send me to purgatory and purge me of my sins and not send me straight to hell. But I know my chances are slim. I guess I’m just really upset that I was so fixated on fixing my mind that I forgot to have an eternal perspective.
Now I know my report doesn’t exactly mesh with all the other reports. But many of the other reports do have similar dark themes. I know I’ll be cursing myself till the day I die for doing this. I wasn’t even addicted to anything. I just thought I needed a brain reset. Now I also can’t get real rest. I can’t sleep well. My dreams are dark and terrible.
I feel like such a fool for accidentally disobeying my blessed Lord. For John 3:16 says that “God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Eternal life in heaven. Pure bliss.
All this shit with psychedelics guys, I know it’s interesting, and it’s cool, but Catholicism is the most spiritual religion there is. We walk by faith not by sight. Unfortunately I guess I walk by sight now. This was not my intention. I’m 22 and a recent college graduate. From a poor but religious family. My Catholicism was my birthright. And now I’ve all but lost it cuz I got lost in the sauce during college and chased every form of spirituality except the most obvious one, my Catholic faith, which I was raised in, which the adherence to leads to heaven. All I want to do is walk that path, but I don’t think I can anymore. I was in very good shape before this.
I was in very good shape before this.
Now I’m degenerating. I feel cursed. It’s hard to smile. I may not have eternal life because of the stupid bullshit that I got into while in college (JRE, Aubrey Marcus, Entheogens).
I’m an idiot. I failed my mission to come home to Our Father in heaven.
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