Citation: eulergodel. "Transcendent Ego Death I Will Treasure Forever: An Experience with MDMA, 2C-I & Cannabis (exp113343)". Erowid.org. Feb 3, 2020. erowid.org/exp/113343
The doses described in this report are potentially life threatening. The amount taken is beyond a heavy dose and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Doses such as this have been known to cause hospitalizations and/or deaths. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
I had a transcendent "ego death" experience on extremely high-dose MDMA, 2C-I, and lots of THC. Perhaps its description will be of value to you.
I felt a bright light open up above me spontaneously, and a concurrent collapsing feeling of what I can only refer to as the "aura" around my body. What I perceived to be my identity was "stringified" and began accelerating away from my physical body at accelerating speeds that ultimately felt comparable to the speed of light. At this point, I had no seeming connection to my physical body, I was just awareness that felt compacted into string form.
I then perceived myself as a mass of unraveling string, light green in color, much akin to a ball of yarn. There was nothing but blackness and this green ball of string that I perceived to be either part of me or my structure. I actually felt and perceived each twist and turn around the "ball" as it unraveled, the ball shrunk down until all I perceived was a 2d black square with four identical green circles in each quadrant. My point of perception approached this square until it entirely filled my field of view. At this point, the square folded horizontally, bisected, and I only perceived two green circles (along which I seemed to be continuously moving forward, sort of like rails on an amusement park ride). As these circles expanded further into my field of perception, the rectangle containing them folded vertically, bisected, and then there was only one green circle which continued to expand. When this circle completely filled my field of perception, I began feeling an "unwrapping" feeling (very hard to describe)--thump thump like a heart beat--with each thump I felt freer and more liberated. The "unwrapping" sped up exponentially and when it culminated there was an instant change. My perceptual center, along with much of my identity, was still present but seemed to have taken the shape of an infinite 2d plane. I (whatever I was at this point), seemed to be sandwiched into an infinitesimally thin cross-section of infinite expanse. I could perceive around me vast blackness, but could also feel my 2D extent.
After a few moments of marveling at this, everything began to slowly fade to gray, then to white, then to seemingly infinitely bright light. This was accompanied by a feeling of intense, otherworldly euphoria that I have never experienced on any drug (not even comparable). I felt I was in the presence of something transcendent--and I felt it was intelligent and was interacting with me. At this point, my ego identity further faded to the point that I had no memory of ever being anything but in this state. What seemed to be weeks, if not months, passed in this euphoric state of disassociation. It felt so incredibly familiar, as if this was the natural state of my consciousness and that my physical body is a mechanism for containing consciousness in the physical world.
After these weeks or months passed in the presence of this beautiful white energy, I felt myself constrained again in the 2D plane, with infinite extent yet zero volume. Each of the previous phases occurred in reverse--the thumping-wrapping like a noodle, green filled my perception and shrunk to a circle, unfolded to two circles, then four, then I felt myself wrapping up as a ball of yarn, this way and that way, everything went bright white, felt stringified into white strand traveling "downward", accelerating in expansion, and then I found myself in a physical body.
I did not remember this body, or even what a body truly was. My visual perception was entirely in distorted-contrast black and white. There was another "body" sitting next to me, but I did not recognize it. I wanted to communicate, tried to telepath my thoughts to no avail. I realized the other body was gesticulating at me. Slowly I began to receive auditory input. The other body was asking me something, I could not decode the communication. After several minutes of confusion, I was able to work out the question "Am I ok?". I didn't know the answer.
After several minutes of confusion, I was able to work out the question "Am I ok?". I didn't know the answer.
I didn't known what or who "I" was. After a few more minutes of reintegration, everything still black and white, I realized I had control of this body and could form audible sound-communication with the mouth/voice I just rediscovered. I asked "what am I?, who am I?, did I die? Is this heaven or hell? Who are you?".
The body next to me, who I still did not recognize in the slightest, began to answer my questions and I started to remember my previous identity on earth. My name, my age, I had parents, I was married. My wonderful wife (of 5 years at this point), who was not under the influence of anything--and who I still did not visually recognize--continued to help me reintegrate. She had been the body next to me all along.
When I recovered, still in a state of beautifully familiar euphoria, I asked how long I had been gone? Surely it had been weeks, if not a month--I was certain. My wonderful wife told me that I had been gone approximately 5 minutes, and in that time my body was empty, non-responsive, like someone in a coma. She thought I may have gone away forever, and was truly relieved when I returned and could recognize her again.
I will never forget this experience, it was so lucid, ordered, directed, and did not seem like a hallucination.
This experience was otherworldly, and I will treasure it forever.
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