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Intrusive Thoughts
by Jules
Citation:   Jules. "Intrusive Thoughts: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp112593)". Dec 1, 2018.

50 mg oral 4-AcO-DMT (liquid)


The following is a report of my fourth-ever 4-AcO-DMT experience, and the most terrifying handful of hours I have ever had the good fortune to live. If it weren't for moderate amnesia, I don't think I'd ever sleep again after this.

At the time, I was having some academic trouble in my freshman year of university, and my boyfriend was in another town staying at a rest-house after his parents had kicked him out. I was in a pretty frustrated and negative place, and my decision to do this trip was partly resultant from that.

That night, the shipment of 250 mg 4-AcO-DMT fumarate had come through and I went down to the post office to pick it up. Upon arriving at home, I mixed it with 500 mL of distilled water and drank 100 mL: a 50 mg dose. I then went immediately to the laptop to let my friends know on Discord.

19h26 EST: T+0h0m

By T+9m it had already kicked in and was tingling in my legs. I had a slight ache behind my right eye, which went away after a few minutes. At T+11m the body high was unmistakable when I sat perfectly still, and the stuff had got my libido mounting. Trying not to get distracted, I took my phone with me to continue using Discord and I went upstairs.

I was sitting nude on my bed at T+15m, admiring the patterns in the sheets. The way I could describe was: it was the same visual information as if I had been sober, but I was able to appreciate it more fully because my brain was able to interpret it in a more full way. Everything had a very nice glow to it, and things seemed very high-def.

At T+18m, I noted that I felt as though I was transforming into some kind of very wild, hairy and earthy being. I believed that I was just about ready to try to go full McKenna and turn the lights off in my room.

I was at first quite glad wrapping myself in the blanket and settling into the visuals.
I was at first quite glad wrapping myself in the blanket and settling into the visuals.
They moved slowly and in three dimensions, great folding panels covered in colored patterns. This is where things got confusing. I don't know when I got to the place I ended up, or how long it took, or whether anything happened in between, but eventually the peak came and it was by far the most terrifying thing I have ever seen in my life.

In order to fully understand what happened, and piece together my sketchy memories while trying not to throw up, it's necessary that I probe my mind a bit. Are you familiar with the concept of intrusive thoughts? "Jump off that bridge. Beat the shit out of them. Grab his ass." I feel that what happened at the peak was the culmination of every single intrusive thought I have ever had, happening all at once in my head. The trip was from the perspective of a body not unlike my own, but this body had an androgynous and indeterminate quality to it. This body began to jump from image to image to image in my mind, running into various fictional and non-fictional people or places that I had any memory of. This body would then go about, molesting and raping and shitting, and the entire experience was dominated by the violent and constant movement of the body, coupled with an intense fear that I would never get out of this psychological hell, and the ever present smell of shit and blood. Any thought I had, any violent or self-destructive impulse, was followed to its logical extreme immediately without anything holding it back. The imagery soon turned to the subjects of racist, far-right propaganda: fat hook-nosed bankers, ape-like Obama caricatures, ferally enraged Muslim stereotypes, constant and noisy and filling my head. The entire peak was accompanied by an incredibly disturbing and disgusting voice, which sounded like a adult man imitating a baby and blaring racist slogans in baby-talk. It was by far the part I could stand the least.

The first thing that I did when the peak stopped and I opened my eyes was call my boyfriend. In my call history, this happened at 22h13, or T+2h47m, and to my mind it seemed like the peak was most of that time. I was still considerably high in my behavior, but the visuals were almost entirely gone. During the call I asked him over and over if he was okay and if he was happy, and he kept on saying, "Yes, you've asked me so many times..." I explained to him what had happened, and how I was in a really negative way beforehand, and he had me promise that I wouldn't be so irresponsible with psychedelics anymore. I told him that I loved him so much, because in that moment, the "universal love" stage was beginning to happen. Also, after I hung up on him, I noticed that my sheets were full of piss (thankfully no shit), and I decided to go and take a shower.

In the shower my head was racing. The more I thought, the more that the concept of "universal love" occurred to me, and the more emotional I got. I didn't know whether I was traumatized or triumphant but it was kind of both of those at once. After getting out of the shower, I decided to send my dad this long text about what had happened, and how I loved him so much and how I was so happy that I was safe. Having done a lot of the same stuff in his university days, he understood, and he sent a text back to wish me well and to have a good night. I began to cry and I cried so much. I hadn't cried in years until that. It was downright religious. I went on Discord while I was crying and tried to get my friends to help me calm down, and they were very helpful.

I stepped out of my bedroom and into the dorm hall, going looking for my roommates, and managed to get two of them together in the common room. I told them how I had been so stressed lately, and how I was sorry for disturbing them so late in the evening but I really needed help coming down and a bit of moral support. They kindly obliged, and between 23h and midnight we hung out in the common room and waited for the high to dissipate. I ate some peanut butter from the jar and got back on Discord to wish my friends a good night.

As I'm writing this report, I'm waiting for the drying cycle to end so I can get my sheets back. Next time I take this stuff, I will hopefully be in a much better mood, and I think I'll try and empty my bladder first. :D

This is Jules, signing off, on the 16th of November, 2018, for the first snow of the season.

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 112593
Gender: Not Specified 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Dec 1, 2018Views: 897
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Alone (16), Difficult Experiences (5)

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