Citation: Cobalt UK. "Life-Changing: An Experience with Bufo alvarius (exp112455)". Erowid.org. Oct 13, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112455
'Dad, I made a mistake, Mother Ayahuasca said 'You need to bring your Dad', not, 'Your Dad needs to do this'. There's a retreat coming up in December, do you want to come?'
I'd tried Ayahuasca 18 months earlier, in Madrid, and felt nothing. I felt it was a complete con, and that I wasn't meant to take it again. 'I'll think about it' I answered. The days went by, my Son, Andy, didn't mention it again, and I didn't push it.
'The retreat starts on Friday Dad, what do you think?''
'The retreat starts on Friday Dad, what do you think?''
Something in me told me to do it. I'd felt guilty about not believing in it, despite Andy's confidence that it had worked wonders for him. I decided I had to try again, for his sake rather than my own. So I decided to take the jump and do it. 'They're doing a new one too....Bufo Alvarius, I'll sign you up for that one too' he said.
My Ayahuasca experience on the Friday night went OK. It wasn't a patch on what I had expected after reading up on Ayahuasca for years before I'd tried it in Madrid, but was a pleasant enough experience. At the discussion the morning after, I intimated that I had the impression I'd found a door, just out of reach, but felt I didn't need to find it and go through it as I was happy where I was in my 'trip'. 'At least you now know there IS a door' Andy retorted.
There were 12 of us on the retreat, all very likeable people. Having spent the evening and night before sharing Ayahuasca, there was much love in the room, and we felt like we all knew each other well. A Mexican Shaman was the orchestrator of events, and he had us all sit around in a circle, whilst he administered Bufo in the centre of the room, so we could all watch and be part of the proceedings. Unlike Ayahuasca, I had read nothing about Bufo Alvarius, and so had not a single clue what to expect. Each one of us had a completely different experience, so that gave me no clues either as the first three had Bufo administered using a large glass crack pipe heated with a mini blow torch. It was my turn...…
I stood in the centre of the room in front of a Yoga mat, a guy either side of me to catch me as I fell. The Shaman ran his hands over me, feeling my aura. 'I give you.....a lot' he said. What the fuck.....I was terrified.
I inhaled the strange but not unpleasant, vapourised Bufo. From empty lungs I had to inhale long and slow until I could inhale no more, then hold it in my lungs for as long as possible. Suddenly I was in the room, but not in the room. I lay back on the yoga mat and could hear the notes of the Shamanic music playing. I experienced fear, and a particular, recurring low note in the music pushed me down into the darkness. I was still aware of my surroundings, but felt I was slipping away. I was pushed down and down, the blackness, emptiness and hopelessness enveloped me.
'I don't like this'...I moaned. It didn't stop, I continued down feeling every negative feeling possible. I felt I was looking into the abyss......and still I continued down. I recall seeing a window with a dim light, and a figure behind it and recall moving towards it. As I reached the window and looked through I realised I was looking into the eyes of the Devil.
'GET ME OUT!! ANDY, SAVE ME' I screamed.
The next moment, I felt like I was propelled outwards and upwards. Light and incredibly positive emotions enveloped me as I was propelled upwards and to the edge of the Universe. A feeling of entire euphoria took over and I screamed, 'I KNOW TRUE ECSTACY'. In one single moment, I knew we are not the ultimate, that we are part of something far far bigger than we are and that we can never die. I knew the meaning of every prayer ever written, and every religion ever devised. It was all about this...… My mindset up to that point had been that science had the answers to everything.
My mindset up to that point had been that science had the answers to everything.
No one ever needed God to balance an equation. In that moment I knew that all my core beliefs were wrong, and that Science was coming at it from completely the wrong angle. That God is the divine source, and that I had been and still am part of that greater source. Everything was absolutely and unquestioningly clear, I knew the reason for life, the Universe and everything.
My Bufo trip was a little like a lucid dream. Although at that point I knew all this, I have forgotten most of it. Most of it cannot be put into words, because words are of our realm. It is enough though, to know that there is a reason, that there is a greater power and that we can never die. That is enough. I was left with knowledge that I didn't have before, a knowledge which has allowed me to transform my life since. Not being frightened of death means I am not frightened to live and I haven't looked back since, feeling gratitude for every moment, grateful that I have been given this opportunity, and looking forward to the rest of my time, however long it is, on this Earth.
December 10th, 2016 is the day I was born.
My life has transformed positively since this experience, my Son runs Ayahuasca and Bufo retreats in Spain and everything is amazingly better.
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