Citation: Formic. "Ending Withdrawal: An Experience with Clonazepam & Nicotine (exp112449)". Erowid.org. May 26, 2020. erowid.org/exp/112449
I've recently come off taking 1.5mg of clonazepam daily. I couldn't deal with the depersonalization/derealization and burning anxiety in my chest anymore so here I am.
I feel so chill and pumped up at the same time. Music is blasting and I got some nice synesthesia. When I think of the world I no longer think of all the evil and horrible nightmares I couldn't get off my mind. I think of sunshine and rainbows, corny as it sounds. I'm currently playing some games and I feel fearless. I'm not scared to chat anymore, I just say whatever comes to mind. It's such a nice feeling. I'm not scared of the judgement of others! I know benzos don't cause euphoria, but the alleviation of withdrawal symptoms and anxiety certainly has for me. The world still doesn't feel totally real, but it's vastly less surreal than before.
I can't stop smiling, the pain is finally gone. If I had to describe myself in one word right now, it would be boisterous. Not shy and reserved like sober me. This shit truly is a miracle. It does a 180 on my personality and I fucking love it. I can finally be the person I want to be.
That's why this stuff is so dangerous. Pills make me a better version of myself, but of course it doesn't last. Inevitable tolerance buildup. The feeling can never last, its unsustainable. I end up having to increase the dosage more and more for the same effect and I dig a deeper hole for myself. I am now physically dependent and subject to the full HORROR of withdrawal. I guess to sum it up, I am currently borrowing happiness from the future. I just wanted a temporary escape from the pain, and I did get that. But the reality of what I've done has sunken in and I don't feel so great anymore. Why do I do this to myself? I just wish I could stop. Stop digging a deeper hole for myself. I want to get this monkey off my shoulder but its so hard.
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