Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Eve. "Becoming Nothing, Crystal Clear: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp112321)". Erowid.org. Sep 11, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112321
This tea ceremony was done with the intention to see what reality is made of, a meditative journey of inquiry rather than for fun or recreation. Setting was my bedroom with my partner, with locally sourced p. cubensis mushrooms that we know well. Music was psytrance on a Spotify playlist on our kicking home stereo system. A number of children slept blissfully unaware in the other bedrooms, with perhaps visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads? Phones on Do Not Disturb setting. King sized bed arranged with fluffy fleece blankets, lots of pillows, and a fan available in the window if needed.
I ingested 2.5 grams, full weight-based dose for my 110 lbs, as per the guidelines from Johns Hopkins (20 mg/70 kg which equates to about 1/2 gram per 10 kg.) This batch is a known quantity and as a lightweight, I've had fairly intense experiences with 1.5 or 2 grams but wanted more. Drank at 10:30, then meditated for 15 minutes. I returned to the bedroom where Z was wrapping up his pre-trip guitar playing and we turned off all but the tiny purple christmas lights and I wrapped up in the fleece blankets, suddenly cold. My feet were cold, I was shivering, but I figured it was mostly pre-flight anxiety which is par for the course.
T+30 minutes: Lying in bed quietly with eyes closed I wanted to watch closely how it unfolded. The waves rose slowly and the rainbow pastel colors started to separate and replicate, and I tried to watch the center. The familiar disorientation and self-doubt rose up - not so much 'are you sure this is a good idea' which I used to get, more along the lines of 'what makes you think you can have a peak experience?' All this 'I'm not worthy' bullshit. I let go and let go, and watched. The center of 'me' became thinner and thinner until I was transparent. I needed music.
T+ 45 minutes: I got up and with difficulty put on the playlist I'd made, with a mix of trance favorites and newer songs. Of course the music meshed with and shaped reality, and helped a lot to quell the anxiety. Interestingly my favorite songs were somewhat disappointing compared to the revelatory experience with songs that were more unfamiliar.
Interestingly my favorite songs were somewhat disappointing compared to the revelatory experience with songs that were more unfamiliar.
Important to remember.
T+90, maybe? who knows: With the help of the music there was a rising and focusing of the intensity of the energy, until there came a point where I gave birth to the universe, accompanied by ecstatic dancing. Sadly, though it was only yesterday, I remember this part as if it were a dream; by the time I could have described it with any clarity it was already swirling away. Really need to get a notebook or voice recorder set up next time.
Usually I like to keep my eyes closed because opening them makes me feel somewhat dizzy and nauseated, but this time I feel like I was able to get above the swirling and I emerged into this space of crystal clarity. The lights were dancing and Jimi Hendrix on the wall was a three dimensional mosaic doing his own undulating dance, but the previous swirling in my mental space was now totally still. I could see everything. It was like being a child, looking around at the room in wonder. The world was enchanted. I felt like I was in a crystal bubble outside of time. I thought I'd never need to blink again. Aldous Huxley came to mind: Now, this is how one should see!
Time nearly stopped for a while, and I couldn't believe when it was only 12:30 am. It seemed to have been going on for hours and hours. I told Z at one point 'I feel like I'm going to be this way forever.' Then not wanting him to worry, I added 'I know I won't, it just feels that way.' I remembered with detachment the time years ago, lying on my face in the park in Berkeley, tripping too hard on acid and getting all worked up and freaked out about the fact that I couldn't remember how I used to think; I felt like I'd broken my brain and I'd never get back. This time, no such fear. No need to remember how I used to think.
The open eyed visuals were so cool. Everything throbbed with significance. At one point I swept a hand helplessly towards the Jimi Hendrix poster and cried 'look at the walls!' then realized that must sound totally incoherent, so I stopped talking again.
I was sort of hoping, waiting for a dramatic moment of ego-death, and there was nothing so clear cut. Just this thinning and thinning as the cosmic winds blew through the center of where I had been until there was nothing. I could see that I am nothing, not so much that I am everything though. I felt like I'd been spun so gently up through the clouds into the ether of nothingness that there wasn't a moment of change from something to nothing - there is definitely a farther frontier of nothingness to experience. But it was very nice. I liked the stillness.
At one point I remembered the time that M got too high on mushrooms at that party I missed cause I was working, and when I came to pick him up he told me very earnestly that he had realized something important - he had realized that R was God. I had an attack of hysterical giggles thinking about how deluded you'd have to be to think that a man was God. Can a man give birth to the universe? For fuck's actual sake. No wonder we are in the state we are in.
Eventually I had to go pee, and in the bathroom took the opportunity to brush my teeth, and while doing that looking in the mirror I remembered that 17 year old girl getting ready for a dentist appointment that I'd once been, tripping on mushrooms all by myself for god knows what reason, and just grooving on my own beauty in the mirror. I stared into my own eyes in the mirror and tried to send love back to her. I feel like she got it.
Then I went downstairs to see what was what. I stood surveying my altered kitchen for a bit, until the thought of kids coming down to see me standing there like someone on drugs made me move out to the deck. Opening the door I stepped into a new world. Everything was fresh and dewy. The trees welcomed me. The stars sparkled overhead. The deck was wet and I nevertheless walked across it, soaking my socks, to where the full moon was rising between the trees - oh sister moon! We shined on each other for a while. I could feel my hair on my shoulders and it felt so sensual. I felt like Daughter, Mother, Lover to the world. And Creator - when I turned my gaze, darkness followed behind, but what I looked at was illuminated. It was so beautiful. The insects were humming and even the noises of cars in the distance were part of the symphony.
When I eventually came back into our room, I noticed it was stuffy and too familiar, but cozy and wonderful as well. And the music was awesome. While dancing I could feel that I was the Tree of Life, my trunk connecting my roots in the Earth to my branches in the Heavens.
Finally after a hundred hours it was 3, 3:30 am and we moved on to our post-trip talking, cuddling, debriefing. We talked about our life, our kids, our parents and how we wish we could share the secret we've found with them.
Notes for self for future:
1. Unfamiliar music is key.
2. Go outside.
3. Higher dose!
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