Citation: L. Wayne. "Dancing With the Female Archetype: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp112068)". Erowid.org. Jun 29, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112068
There is a very circumscribed place in organic nature that has, I think, important implications for explorers of the human psyche. I refer to the psychedelic compound dimethyltryptamine (DMT).
After months of planning, I was finally there. Isolated and detached from ordinary life in the Peruvian mountains, at an Ayahuasca retreat together with my girlfriend Maya, four other guests, three retreat leaders and a native shaman. The center itself was made up of semi-primitive houses, a picturesque garden surrounded by a river, multitudes of hummingbirds, flora and two majestic mountains encapsulating the area. It was beautiful. With about eighty percent of females there, the retreat had a strong feminine character which became the quintessential aspect of my ceremonial experience.
Having already completed two ceremonies during the week, I had now accumulated enough confidence to consume a very high dose of the medicine. I went into the maloka in which the ceremonies were held which was highly authentic in its own, spartan, way. It was a dark, open space, sized to house about twenty people. A wall solely made out of stones was decorated with intricate paintings of Buddhist mandalas and visionary paintings done by ayahuasquero. The air was fresh, delivered by the mountains, and a smell of flowery scent and shaman-smoked tobacco hung in the air. My personal spot had a mattress, thick blankets, some pillows and a bucket to purge in.
I was called upon to the shaman to present my intention for the encounter with the realms ayahuasca. I communicated to the shaman, who was a man pushing sixties, that I was looking to expand my circle of empathy in order to become more centered, loving and compassionate.
I was looking to expand my circle of empathy in order to become more centered, loving and compassionate.
Being prone to rationalism, I interpreted this ritual as a psychological priming for myself; the externalization of my intention would force me to subconsciously direct my cognitive and emotional work towards that specific end goal.
After every participant had done this, it was time to intake medicine. The female leader asked me whether I wanted one or one and a half cup, to which I answered “three”. She stared upon me, smiling with a hint of disbelief and told the shaman about my dosage, who first shook (?) his head and laughed, then gazed me in my eyes and nodded with respect. At that point, I understood it would be an intense experience. I drank the medicine, which tasted like sour and bitter dirt, and bowed myself back to my spot.
Lights out. It was now pitch black and I sat myself cross-legged, meditating. Fifteen minutes in, my body began hyperventilating and my heart started racing. I recognized this reaction from previous experiences with freebase DMT; it is an interesting phenomenon where my body seems to be trying to oxygenate itself. Maybe, in order to adapt to the forthcoming higher state of consciousness. As always for me with come ups on psychedelics, my thought process sped up and my mind started producing intellectual, fear-based, thoughts about me having a to high dose and not being ready for this. Through eight years of exploring these compounds, and learning by mistakes, I have taught myself to no longer fall for those characteristic ego-driven defense mechanisms. Psychedelics dissolve the ego, and thus it naturally starts to defend itself. But through breath work and manual smiling, it eventually disappeared.
Here comes nausea. I had learned, at this point, to purge as soon as possible in order not to be nauseous when the peaks hits. At the forty minute mark, I leaned over and purged it all out. Black, sour slime and liquid poured out of my mouth. “Here comes the visions”, I whispered silently to myself. As I leaned back again I felt an increasing pressure on my entire body, as if though the entire maloka was been lowered under water. My perception suddenly altered, all objects in the dark room got an electrical aura around them, every edge jumped out in clarity. I lost my sense of direction and ability to determine distances; I felt suspended in femininity, magic, and darkness.
I had always had personality traits typical of those of masculinity, being mission-driven and proud of my independence and solitary lifestyle – sometimes hard to understand the female aspect of life. It was a trait that had caused me, and especially my girlfriend, suffering throughout our relationship.
As my breath, heartbeat and thought processes slowed down, a feeling of female empathy and forgiveness flowed through my entire body. As if I had received a hug from a loving mother. A subtle euphoria emanated from my chest and spread throughout the rest of my body. Then, a vision emerged in my consciousness. The vision came through multiple senses; it was auditive, visual, emotional and cognitive. Resembling, perhaps, to the phenomenon of synesthesia were one cross-interprets perceptive inputs. A naked African tribal woman emerged, with dreadlocks made of mud, sitting in a grass field playing with a baby in her hands. It was humanness in its primal state, connected to nature, earth and the Gaia. The emotion of empathy increased in my chest, filling me with love. The African woman disappeared, and I was suddenly presented to the personality of one of the leaders, a 33-year-old mom of two boys, speaking English with Spanish accent, a yoga teacher and singer. I saw her strong purpose in life – raising her children, working with spirituality and spreading consciousness – shining through her being as she was always smiling, expressing freedom and represented the archetype of the female free spirit. The beauty of her being was unbearable, and I started crying.
As the shaman began singing on a new song I was introduced to the archetype of the wise woman through the Mexican woman who was the manager of the center. Being, perhaps, fifty years old, she carried marks of wisdom and knowledge through time. I saw in her matured motherhood and experiences of having gone through hundreds of tough situations in life. She had been working with Ayahuasca for nineteen years and appeared to me as the equivalent of the wise lady in the tree in the Disney movie Pocahontas. Her image pumped me with emotions of loving respect and unconditional loyalty. I suddenly felt the urge to kneel, and did so, and laid my hands with my palms upwards.
I felt the collective images of these three women moving to the left of me, and my head magnetized in that direction. On the mattress to the left of me was my girlfriend. Slowly, the vision started to subjugate and dissolve onto her crown and chest. Maya lit up with that electricity I saw on the come up as she sat still beside me. As I watched the happening with disbelief, tears rolled down my cheeks. I saw the love that I had given her, and the suffering. I embodied her being and saw our relationship, her needs in life and her existence from her viewpoint. I saw within her the potential to embody my visions in life An emotion of gratitude expanded within me.
My mind started to come down to its normal state, and within an hour the icaros silenced. I sat up cross-legged with a smile, contemplating my experience with awe. “Thank you Ayahuasca, whatever you are. Thank you.”
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.