DOSE:		oral	Caffeine	(plant material)
	30 mg	insufflated	5-MeO-DMT	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

74 kg

[Erowid Note: The dose described in this report is very high, potentially beyond Erowid's 'heavy' range, and could pose serious health risks or result in unwanted, extreme effects. Sometimes extremely high doses reported are errors rather than actual doses used.]
I actually don't want to write this experience report. Not because I don't want you to know about the experience I had and not because I'm lazy or something but any words I will use just seem to me like a desperate attempt on trying to impress you, on trying to put something into words that simply cannot be put, on trying to give you any kind of a picture about it. It is in that respect useless to talk about it. And I feel very phony for doing so. Just because of the fact that if you read this post and think that Azrael had some kind of very far out experience and you make it into something great and unreachable and somehow away from you, you are kidding yourself. But I guess it can't be helped and I feel like I should at least try to point out what just happened. So see this as mere entertainment.

It's quite fascinating how confused we are in our normal state of egoic consciousness. And it's quite interesting how afraid we are. Even when I think I am not afraid and I am this tough guy, I'm kidding myself. Every bit of the attitude that I put up is rooted in a deep fear of being exposed. Of failing, of surrendering completely. I learned and embody this so thoroughly that I am all tensed up all of the time. And because this became so normal on a mere physiological level I actually think this muscular tension is me. It's quite incredible how ridiculous we are. And how well we play it.

But let's forget this point for a few more minutes and start with the story. How did all begin today? Well, it was a quite normal day here in Berlin, Germany. Azrael got up in the morning, ate some breakfast, took a shower, shaved his Zen-Master-looking beard and did his daily HoloSync meditation. What a great one it was. Having done 5-MeO I started having flavours of the experience throughout my daily life. And especially in meditation. I recreated most of my last experience (the one in which I talk about our holographic nature). I meditated and saw my whole being flickering in this empty and endless space. I felt how when I move my attention I create that centralized space for that brief moment until it goes anywhere else. Quite fascinating.

As always on the weekends I took a walk after my meditation, bathed in the spaciousness I was still wearing and thought about the day. I had to prepare for a talk I will be giving next week so I did this most of the day. When I finished my work I did my daily visualization. I visualize daily what I did this day in a positive way and then I go through the next day and think about what I will do then in a positive way. I tend to be pretty analytical and negative, so my visualization keeps that in place and opens me up a lot.

When I was done doing that I laid on my bed and was just scared. I had thought the whole day that I wanted to do 5-MeO after my work and now was the time. But I was paralyzed. Can I even physically stand the 30mg? Maybe I'm not prepared enough? Can I really surrender? I don't feel quite as confident today like I would want to feel before such an experience. My mind would be going bunkers. But this is normal. I asked several times inside whether I wanted to do this and my intuition was all for it. Like always. But my mind was very nervous and scared. It didn't want to die. And I respect that. Although I gotta say that the nervousness before the experience was harder than the actual surrendering in the experience. My mind came up with all kind of excuses to put it off for another week. But eventually I went inside again and my intuition really wanted my to do it now, so I did.

So I sat down in front of my desk, played my common tripping music, prepared my couch with fresh water, a hanky and a plastic bag (for the case I had to throw up). Then I weighed 2 gram of Kola Nut powder on my fancy new scale, downed it with a little bit of water and weighed 30mg of 5-MeO-DMT. I waited a few more minutes until I felt the kola nut coming up and then I basically got on my knees and visualized that I'll have the most epic experience of my life and then I prayed that I can totally surrender into it. To whom did I pray? I don't know. Probably to myself, that I just give up the show and won't kill myself by resisting the experience. (I think it really did help.)

I made two equal lines out of the gold and sniffed it into my nostrils. Man, just seeing 30mg of this and knowing what kind of experience I had with 15-20mg is very special. The whole act is a surrender. There is nothing easy about this - even though the most epic things follow. It's like I have a gun in front of me and I know that when I'll shoot myself in the head I will be in heaven... but I gotta do the shooting first. It's like that.

So, I sniff it in and go to my couch, tilting the head upside down and massaging it into my nostrils. I waited 5 minutes until reality got really wonky. Then I sat up normal, opened myself up and tried to focus on love. I thought about a girl I loved once very much, I thought about her face when she laughed and how it completely melted me back then. Meanwhile my pulse was going through the rooftop and I had some difficulty thinking about her because my thoughts began to vanish. My head would be pumped with more and more clearness which felt pretty good and I was very comfortable in my body.

What happened then for the next 15-30 minutes I cannot put into words. I also will not scream with upper letters 'OH MY GOD' or 'I AM IT' or something like that, because I didn't feel any of this in these moments. I didn't say a word. I had a few thoughts but they were kind of arbitrary. I was completely in shock. Completely speechless. But not in a kind of hectic shock, I was very well relaxed and relieved while I was in this state. It didn't even occurred to me that I'm in shock or speechless until 30 minutes later when I slowly came back and began to understand what just happened.

Every picture I had about it prior to the experience was wrong. I can just not fathom with egoic consciousness what it is that underlies everything. I had no pretty visuals or something like that. I saw very clearly and when I closed my eyes for a moment I guess I saw some patterns, but I didn't pay much attention. I just was it. Everything and nothing. But it wasn't special in any kind of way. It began to be special when I came back and my individual tried to make sense out of it. But in the moment itself, it was completely obvious. It was completely eternal and when I felt my body here and there I just would feel so relieved and speechless. At some point I held my glass of water in my hands and I stared at it for probably 5 minutes without closing my eyes. The whole reality, every sense that I had seemed like a shell I could cut. It was also extremely still. Completely eternal. I had no idea what this word really means. In the peak of the experience it wasn't even explosive or something. When I got from normal egoic consciousness to the state I'm describing, the very transition can be quite explosive although the Kola Nut did a great job in making that a very smooth one, but the experience itself is completely still. It isn't even an experience or state. If I have to think about it, I think about it like peeling endless patterns of my normal reality away until there is this one core thing left... and I am this. God. Complete infinity. It's completely indescribable.

Well, I peaked for about 20 minutes and then slowly I began to understand what just happened and then as I said I just was speechless for a good half hour. I just sat there. I had not much thoughts about it, a few maybe but I was just shocked and speechless. Then at some point when I came down I began to cook and make myself a salad. I did this for a few moments and then just had to sit down again and just cried like a little boy for a good 5 minutes straight. I just couldn't believe what I had done to myself for my entire life and what kind of nasty game I played with myself. I just saw it before my eyes and couldn't believe it.

In the last few hours I had some thoughts coming up that resulted from the experience and seemed pretty authentic to me.

I will never die. This is I guess the one thing I learned. I will never die. Not to be afraid of death (and I know this is easier said than done) but just think back. I as an individual were birthed into this life by magic. This whole existence is magic and there is nothing else then pure love. There never was a moment in my eternal existence in which I really had to fear anything. What shall there be? When I open my eyes I create a whole visual field of reality. I am all of that. When I hear with my ears I create a whole auditory space with my sense of 3D hearing. When I think thoughts I create endless parallel realities in my head that have their own reality. When I go sleep at night I can trust myself to wake up in the morning. When I go I can trust my legs to carry me around. When I go about my day everything I do comes naturally to me. There is not a thing that is not supportive and loving to me. I just like to spin stories that this is the case and I love to identify with it.

When I drop all thought and belief, I am eternity. I am it. Before I lived I was formless and rested in peace. When I was born I decided to play a game called life to experience this material reality. When I die I let this reality dissolve again and will probably rest for some eternal time and then play some new games. It's all good. All of my problems have no value at all. My negative emotions? Yeah so what, there was no time in my life when I couldn't stand those. It's the nature of negative emotions to be negative and it's my nature as God to provide the space for them to occur. It's the nature of the positive to feel good and create a negative that will come at another time again. If I'm attached to this, it's okay. I just say to myself that I'm not believing my own bullshit. And keep up my quest. Time will show this to me.

If I had to put all of this in simple words, I would just say that I'm speechless and relieved. Relieved from the nasty game I played with myself. And even though I know that it'll slowly come back and grab me again, I know that in the next few months I will go even so much deeper with these experiences that it'll just crack like a shell and will naturally fall off. Nothing else makes sense.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 111505
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 34
Published: Jul 15, 2020	Views: 948
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5-MeO-DMT (58) : Alone (16), Combinations (3), General (1)