Citation: Jelly. "Three Separate Building Journeys of 2017: An Experience with Breathwork, Ketamine, LSD & Mushrooms (exp111252)". Erowid.org. Feb 21, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111252
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I am a physician, mother of three children, wearing many hats, but practicing integrative medicine, as well as a Hospitalist in a very allopathic model in ------ Canada. I have been on a beautiful mystery ride of discovery, since childhood, to be sure, but amplified in the past 6 years.
If I may, I would love to share with you (I will aim to keep it brief!!) what I have learned, and with this, I am looking for a way to bring this to a larger audience, to inform wellness, and help others in their journeys. I had an ego death about two years before the events I am about to describe…wherein I was in the whole, the unity, the no time no space. It lasted for 5 days, wherein I was in pure consciousness, bliss, only able to eat plant-based foods, hyperesensorial, AWAKE in the dream.
The following is what unfolded 8 months after this ego death.
I had been to a Shaman earlier, last February, and during my vision quest (gained through breathwork alone), I had been reminded of these truths, but alas, we forgot them don't we? Or we fail to understand how they fit into the Chinese puzzle, until we are confronted by a lesson, and it is shown to us, beautiful and perfect, all over again. At that time, amongst 8 or 9 spirit entities/beings, I had been shown the face of a woman, in one instant, the most beautiful face I had ever seen, who then morphed in to an old hag, warted and hateful, then she was beautiful again. Her faces began to spin and blur, and then it was the yin and the yang, black and white, spinning spinning into grey and into UNITY. ALL. NO separation. Nothing is all or none. We are all ALL. During this vision, I was given a recording device (in my mind) by another sage guide. When I told this to the Shaman, he was pleased, and said any gift is one you need, and you will have this to overcome the need for words, and explanation, as both fall short, in these realms, don't they? He told me I would be getting so much information the next year, it is to help me retain it all.
(via ketamine, tiny amount, right nare, no prior experience with this drug before, experience began about 2-3 minutes post inhalation).
This past August, at Burning Man, I was catapulted back up to the blissful nirvana of the ALL, ONE, ONLY, of no linear time, no singular, the molecule amongst all the matter. I woke up in the hologram, keenly aware of the the game we are playing (my own emotion was total eclipsing joy, while receiving the download of information about the true nature of our reality)….but around me I saw the base, subconscious… how we utilize sex, substances, hallucinogens to try to regain the bliss we have known and forgotten, when our frequencies are low, kept down by our chemical restraints, societal constructs, industrial propaganda, etc…
It was as though I had been in this space an eternity, that my entire 42 years of memory, existence, multiplied by a millennia of lifetimes, was all encompassed in this one campsite space. I had been there a million times, but I kept forgetting it. It was the place of childhood dreams, of orgasmic joy (accessed through the act of orgasm).
I had had visions of what looked like two fingers (my index fingers) side by side…I saw this image in my mind for the past 2 years, never knowing what it meant (like Richard Dreyfus building the potato mountain in Close Encounters)….
In the campsite, seated on a lawn chair, when I looked down at my bare legs, side by each (wearing hot shorts :) ) it was the same image….two legs, side by side. It was MY TETHER. I had left myself this anchor, this talisman, this guidepost, that when I came back to the space of ALL NO TIME NO SPACE UNITY again, I would remember. I prayed that moment, 'Don't let me drop down, don't let me forget this time.'
I prayed that moment, 'Don't let me drop down, don't let me forget this time.'
Perhaps because I had the device, or maybe the tether, or both, I did not forget.
Because the ALL was so whole and expansive and bliss-filled, I regarded that state as the ONE and The REAL, and our three dimensional earth-bound reality as the effect, the experiment, the playground that is false and secondary. There, with eyes closed now, in a pink swirling dust filled womb of all, I was making reality in my mind, creating and manipulating it, seeing it is a manifestation of consciousness through an aperture, consciousness wanting to experience itself. I put my hand on the forehead of a friend I had met that day, and said, 'LOOK, look what I see'….and then he too SAW IT! He said: 'oh my god, none of this is real…..none of it is real'….It felt hierarchal, that our earth-bound life is somehow less, false, and of lower value.
I was so wrong. I was caught still in polarity, in judgement of good or bad, or not appreciating the whole, and siding with the one.
(mushrooms, approximately 1-2 grams in honey, eaten over a 10 hour period, and 1.5 tab of LSD taken in the late afternoon, experience began post-LSD)
Three nights ago, with a collective of friends in [Nova Scotia] - on an energetically harmonic island - (my first foray into hallucinogens since August) I returned to the place of the singular, but this time it was different. Instead of bliss, and such exuberant joy, I was afraid. How can I have learned so much knowledge and wisdom, and still feel fear? If this world is a construct, a hologram, a product of the ALL, and I have seen the all, then why am I suffering in this moment? If the world is the work of imagination, and then LSD is part of the imagination, and I am back to consciousness, why am I not feeling joy? What else is there to learn? Why am I lost in an infinite loop, unable to find the start, because there is not a beginning. Unable to reconcile the feeling of being unanchored.
Very luckily for me, I had my friends, the music we were making, my amazing boyfriend (my lightening rod, ground stone, earthbound place keeper) to pull me back in this place, and my dear friend (who has also awoken) to remind me, this is not the time that I will understand. She made me hold on to myself, my shirt and said 'Feel this, this is REAL. Start here.'
I began feeling far far better, grounded and comforted.
A few hours later, as I lay in bed, the information I had been desperately seeking hours before began unfurling out to me.
I saw in my mind a massive cuboidal sliding box, with horizontal and vertical tetris logs sliding in and out, a matrix of all potential - green grid- with movement in every direction. Within the structure, in every direction, were tendrils of energy, silk threads, dancing and collapsing, locking on to other threads, and rising or falling together. It was a massive primordial soup of energy and frequency, all at once light, and matter, depending on observation and awareness. I was instantaneously reminded that there is no high or low, good or bad, female or male, better or worse, there is only the ALL. Our earth bound expression of consciousness is just as beautiful and intricate and profound as our nirvana of pure unity. Neither is the ONLY REAL. IT IS ALL THE REAL. We must navigate from one to the next, pulled up and down by all the energies around us, CHOOSING TO BE HERE, in this plane, learning to sail this most beautiful game by joining our forces, entangling with those who teach us, close our gaps, while we close theirs. Giving of ourselves to others who in turn buoy our own small boats, because none of us is alone EVER. We are all the fabric. I can be a thread that pulls up, tent pole the weave around me, and lifts those threads, raising our small piece of this infinite cloth, just as another thread can pull me up with its wisdom and strength.
Just as there are forces of light and upward lift, there are forces that understand the box, who manipulate it for gain, and purposefully keep others base and blind.
But just as neither bliss nor earth-real is superior, the mountain of light and upward vibrational pull also needs the shadow, the downward pull.
It is the most beautifully intricate, perfectly imperfect, mind-blowingly complex yet absurdly simple cosmic dance, with forces within and without all trying to bring balance amongst the chaos. I was laughing aloud, clapping, hooting!! At the incredible fucking perfection of the whole goddamned thing!!! Like, WELL DONE!!! WELL DONE.
We need to share what we know, collaborate our virtues and gifts. We all of us have superhuman powers, some ability that is unique, that helps us navigate these waters.
One friend at my house remembers every lyric of every song. EVERY ONE. It is uncanny. Superhuman. He just started rapping and singing, and it just continues hahaha on and on. No end. It's remarkable. He must be downloading the infinite, unconscious of this ability, but accessing SOURCE none the less. Then another friend has introduced me to Chaga, which I drank and it opened my eyes...another spoke of the necessity of this reality, anchoring my soul….
And on and on. We are all at different stages of knowledge…again neither before or after, early or advanced….simply different, but complementary.
The signs are everywhere….in our music, our lyrical guidance, in our art, in the eyes of a baby, the beauty of a forest. There is a reminder at every corner…we are not alone. We are asleep. We need to wake up. Be the change you want to see. Dream, believe, act, work, fall down, stand up. We need to join each other, it takes a village. Trust your friends. Know your enemies. It is the teaching of all ancient texts, all religions, all spiritual prophecies. Jesus and Allah, and Mohammed were BIG upward thrusting TENT POLES, and they brought up a massive surge of the fabric in the direction of AWAKE, LOVE AND KINDNESS. Forces of shadow, of darkness, of hate and greed are just as powerful, and want to collapse down this momentum, carve a downward spiral of energy, and oppose this light.
We are all allies in this life, working through this space. Energetically entangled through a brilliant Rick and Morty time place warp continuum. (Have you watched that show?) My friend taught me I have to CHOOSE TO BE HERE. I choose to work here, and apply this to my medicine.
Also, like the ALL knowing space, this is but a sliver of knowledge. I accept that I will never know it all. I was blinded by pride, and the vestige of ego. How can we understand the infinite. I was a fool to believe I could, and I have surrendered to being the eternal student. Teach me and I will follow. Show me the light, and I will light those around me.
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