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Voice Telling Me, Just Keep Going Forward
Psilocybe cyanescens
by Daphnis
Citation:   Daphnis. "Voice Telling Me, Just Keep Going Forward: An Experience with Psilocybe cyanescens (exp111051)". Erowid.org. Sep 27, 2017. erowid.org/exp/111051

 
DOSE:
4 g oral Mushrooms - C. cyanescens (fresh)

BODY WEIGHT: 160 lb


A Trip Alone at Home

I took a couple of fresh Psilocybe cyanescens yesterday. I have been growing a number of different mushrooms, have used shrooms a couple of times before, but never home-grown so I was quite excited about the situation.

I used them on my own, at home. Most of the mushrooms are still happily growing in the garden but a couple were ugly or damaged (a kitten has been jumping around in my patch) so I picked these. An inaccurate kitchen scale said I picked about 6 grams, I was planning to take part of this initially and take more later after I had a better idea about the potency. I probably ate about 3-4 grams or so - a couple of tiny ones (less than a centimeter in length with a micro-cap) and 2 or 3 small ones (4-5 cm stem, 1 cm cap). I didnít end up taking the second portion.

I am currently living with my parents (I am a functioning adult, but at the moment this is practical and pleasant), they went away for a movie but knew that I was taking shrooms (theyíre open-minded). They were surprised I would take them on my own, but I told them itís actually not such an uncommon thing to do and it can be very introspective. I have used salvia on my own on earlier occasions, which was a generally good experience. Mushrooms I had only used in company so far.

Just after I took the mushrooms I made my bed a bit, lit some candles and put on some music (Andrew Bird - Noble Beast). After about 20-30 minutes I started sensing that something was coming up and I sat on the couch. Some 10 minutes after that the earthy tones of the living room, my brotherís paintings on the wall and shapes around me in general became quite a bit more beautiful than they usually are. If I closed my eyes I could see wonderful shapes and patterns, intricate and moving. I was touched and some tears rolled down my cheeks.

Then after a short while I started thinking what I should do, I was somehow bored. The music was alright but it didnít interest me too much at this point and I felt a bit unprepared. What do people do when they use shrooms? I started thinking that maybe I hadnít really thought this through. I started wondering why I took shrooms in the first place - basically Iím just messing with my brain, that actually doesnít seem like such a good idea. Shouldnít I have outgrown this? What was I expecting anyway? Shrooms donít have answers, at least not anything I canít figure out in my normal life.

My parents have an indoor rowing device and I have started working out fairly regularly recently (mostly for health and a bit for appearance). I thought I might as well just spend the evening doing things that I would normally do and continue my day as if I hadnít taken shrooms, and it seemed like a good idea to do some rowing. I got on the machine and the first stroke was quite intense - the way the world was moving around me gave me a very warp-speed kind of feeling. I laughed.

Then I actually started feeling a bit unhappy. I guessed that indeed perhaps it was not such a good idea to take shrooms alone. What has become of me - home alone experimenting with drugs? It started seeming like a really bad idea, the shrooms were messing with my brain and I was looking forward to my trip just being over. The rowing helped, I could focus on the time I had been rowing and see it progress. Still I felt lonely, I missed my girlfriend and I was actually looking forward to my parents coming home. A couple of times I felt like I should just quit rowing, lie down and accept and sink into the dark feelings.

Then there was a voice telling me it was really not OK to give into this and I should just keep going forward. This voice at the same time felt like it was me, and like it was something quite external. I had mixed feelings about this voice - it seemed well-intentioned but I was really wondering what it was trying to accomplish. What is the point of going through all the motions of this life - why is everybodyís life so similar and why do people just keep doing the same thing again and again seemingly without seeing it doesnít make much sense at all? Reflecting on my daily activities it seemed very much like Iím a small, predictable element in a huge machine (society) that actually serves no goal whatsoever.

I decided rowing for about 15 minutes was enough for now, I was hot and sweating but was still unsure whether I should have a short break and row again, or take a shower. I went to the stairs leading to the shower, then headed back to the device. I went to the stairs again. Back to the device. I stood on the stairs a bit wondering what the hell I was doing. Back to the device and sat on it. I started rowing again but after two strokes decided this was really not what I wanted to be doing right now and I should be nice to myself and get a warm shower.

Under the shower again I wanted to sit down and sink in, feeling quite dark. But again there was this voice saying come on, donít be like that, keep going, stand up and donít let this take you down.
But again there was this voice saying come on, donít be like that, keep going, stand up and donít let this take you down.
I finished the shower, dried off, and lay down in my bed thinking maybe I should just go to sleep so I would wake up fresh in the morning with all this behind me. Then I could let the rest of mushrooms go through their cycle in the garden and leave them be - perhaps this should be the last time I use them.

Once in bed I wasnít feeling so down anymore, I had made the bed so it was pretty comfortable. After a minute or so I decided it was not quite time for sleeping yet and I went downstairs where the music was still playing, but after one or two more tracks the album ended. I ate a nectarine (not very ripe) but felt very uncoordinated. I felt like a monkey being used for experiments, with me as the experimenter.

Then I put up BADBADNOTGOOD (III). I started thinking a bit again but it felt more positive now - I realized that although I was feeling down earlier I was strong enough to pull through and keep going. I was actually taking pretty good care of myself with the rowing, and I didnít need the shrooms to have any answers - the fact that I actually know what I find important in life without using shrooms suddenly started feeling like a very positive thing. I felt like I was pretty clear on my priorities: Iím happy with my family and my girlfriend and Iím quite happy with my job. I was getting calmer and more comfortable.

Then I closed my eyes and started drifting off. The music was extremely textural and provided a gorgeous backdrop for the stage of my thoughts. My thoughts were very visual and I started going through the things I like about my life. I started getting hit with waves of gratitude for the people around me, the music was amazing and I cried with joy. After a while I realized I had had my eyes closed for quite a while and decided to open them. The stereo said the song playing now was called ďEyes ClosedĒ, I wondered if this was a coincidence.

Just before the end of the album my parents came in. They said hi, my mom asked if the music was good for me now and said donít worry Iíll shut up. I felt bad that she felt like I didnít want her to talk. She left the room to do something and my dad sat on the couch next to me with his laptop. I asked if the music was ok for him, he said sure no problem, I said he didnít understand - I wanted music to be playing that would actually make him feel good. He said he liked the music. Soon the album finished and I put on another album that I know he likes (Benjamin Clementine - At Least For Now).

I was coming down from the trip and my mom came down the stairs. We talked a bit, I felt like my talking was a bit incoherent but she said it wasnít too bad. I told both of them roughly what I wrote in this report and we talked a bit about subjects that were roughly related to the experience. We talked about how (maybe) shrooms simulate some aspects of mental health issues and can make you more empathetic to people suffering from those. And how in a way seeing your mind dissolve can be like a near-death experience which can change your perspective on life.

I donít think this will be the last time I take mushrooms but Iím also not opposed to letting most of the mushrooms in my patch go through their natural cycles. This experience was quite intense but I do feel mentally cleansed - Iím glad only a part of the trip was unpleasant but in a way Iím also glad I went through this unpleasant part. And I feel oddly empowered from knowing that if Iím down, there is this internal voice that can tell me what to do, and it seems I can trust it.

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 111051
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 28 
Published: Sep 27, 2017Views: 433
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