Citation: InnerExplorer. "Choosing to Stay in My Body: An Experience with Ketamine & 5-MeO-DMT (exp110796)". Erowid.org. Sep 29, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110796
Chemically Induced Safe NDE
5-MeO-DMT and Ketamine IM Report
Set and Setting: Relaxed, having eaten about two hours prior, also having done a long meditation in nature earlier in the day. 5-MeO-DMT playlist was on.
Dose: 4mg 5-MeO-DMT HCl IM + 50mg Ketamine IM
I had prepared a sterile vial with 200mg 5MD in 20ml of bacteriostatic water run through a micron filter, resulting in a concentration of 10mg/ml. I had also acquired a pharmaceutical vial of Anesket ketamine which had a concentration of 50mg/ml. I drew up 1ml of the ketamine solution into one insulin syringe and .4ml 5-MeO-DMT HCl into another insulin syringe. I planned to inject the ketamine syringe first since it was a larger volume to inject and would give me enough time to inject the syringe containing the 5-MeO-DMT. I wanted to have this experience because I have long been curious about the synergy between tryptamines and dissociatives, particularly ketamine and 5-MeO-DMT (I had also been curious about 4-AcO-DMT and Deschloroketamine, but that may be for another time). I felt like this combination of medicines taken in an intentional, healing context might allow me to touch the very core of my being and know deeper the concept of self-love. I had participated in two ayahuasca ceremonies a week prior and what came out of those ceremonies was a need to love myself ever more deeply. In my internal process I reflected on this concept but found that I did not know what it truly felt like to love myself and to engage in that practice over a longer period of time. It was in light of this that I decided to undertake this experience which would prove to be one of the most powerful experiences of my life.
After thanking the medicine for arriving in my life and giving me the opportunity for awakening and wellness, I injected the syringe containing the 50mg of ketamine into my left thigh at a slow rate. It perhaps took about 30 seconds to complete the injection. I then injected the second syringe containing the 5-MeO-DMT into my right thigh at the same rate. I turned on my 5-MeO-DMT playlist which started with Aad Guray Nameh by Jai-Jagdeesh. I laid down and turned my focus within and to my breathing. Within the first 5 minutes, I began to recognize the initial effects of ketamine as well as 5MD, as if they were starting at opposite ends. The white static vibration ketamine seemed to be coming from the left while the smooth wave-like vibration of 5MD seemed to be coming from the right
The white static vibration ketamine seemed to be coming from the left while the smooth wave-like vibration of 5MD seemed to be coming from the right
, merging together like water filling all the gaps in a tetris game. The moment of union was incredible to behold. Each breath that I took brought me deeper and deeper into relaxed ecstasy, with absolutely no worries or cares. Just letting go deeper and deeper into the bliss that was flowing down from my head into the rest of my body.
This feeling continued to grow until I felt like I might purge. Somehow I managed to get up, walk (waddle) across the room, grab the trash can, and bring it back to my bed where I sat next to it anticipating a release. Instead, the release transformed from a nauseous feeling to tears and sadness in my heart that was gradually releasing. All the time of self-neglect, all the self-loathing for no real reason. All the time of not knowing my value. I let it all go.
As I did this, I began to realize how completely 'out of it' I was. I didn't remember where I was or what I had taken, I didn't even fully associate with my body. The level of dissociation was much more intense than single doses of 4mg 5MD or 50mg ketamine alone. There was a part of me that began to feel some concern. I was reaching the peak (though I didn't know this at the time), and at this point, all things merged into one. I was the wall, I was my mother, I was my father, I was the air, I was the water, I was the cosmos, I was spirit. At this point I thought that I had died. This was a new kind of ego death for me, because rather than feeling like I was going to die, I just felt like I had already died but my spirit was still hanging in my body. At this point I felt like just a small breeze would have blown me straight out.
There was a moment where I began thinking that this was it. That I had done everything I came to this life to do. That I had already left my mark on people's hearts and that by my death that message would be magnified. I really began thinking that it was my time. I was fascinated by how easy that felt, to just slip out of my body. Dead and still living relatives appeared in the room, I could both see and feel them welcoming me into the afterlife. Just being present with me. But then I reminded myself that this was the life I had chosen, this was the body I had chosen at this moment out of all the quintillion possibilities. I made the choice that I would keep breathing, I would fight to stay. And with that decision I realized that I had full control over the energy that I had come to know was 'Me' that was like water inside the vessel of my body. Through a meditative state where I just focused on flowing energy down from my crown all the way into my root, I found that I became more grounded. I felt peace once again knowing I would be staying. Though moving through this was one of the most scary moments I have had on medicine and would recommend having a sitter for this type of experience. After that moment, I felt like I unlocked all genetic memory contained in my body.
The rush of information was powerful, intense, and beautiful all at once. I found myself channeling the energy of a powerful shaman, one that was not powerful by force, but powerful in spirit. I was shown how I carry this power within me but that I have been afraid to use it. And that that was part of the reason why I thought so poorly of myself. Breathing deep into that I felt the magic power that I possessed, power I had come into contact with before but not in such a direct experience kind of way. I could feel the flow of all events, of all realities coalescing into one big flow that I was witness to. Feeling deep within me, I came to know my deepest nature, that of Love.
Feeling my heart burst open, I could remember the echo of the words I had spoken at the beginning of the experience, 'to love myself'. How could I not love myself, this being of Love and Power that strove for humility and to help others arrive at the same realization. I came into a Protector archetype, a Messiah archetype, and Healer archetype all at once. I began to feel my body all over. My arms, my face, my back, my legs, my head. All worthy, all deserving of my deepest Love.
I saw myself through the eyes of my Lover. Each inch of skin, each strand of hair holy. Not that I was better than anyone, but that I was Unique. The Love of God flowed through my body, taking this love through generations of experiences, through the path of this road of Life that I was walking with my Brothers and Sisters, all curiously wandering the path back to God. The energy coursed through my body in a way that I had never quite felt before, how good and powerful it felt to be a Man, with no shame. Here I shed the shame I had carried throughout my life, of me being a victim of sexual assault, of me being persecuted for my interest in altered states of consciousness, of me being a sensitive man who could be easily hurt in my youth. All gone and replaced with a powerful flowing river. I felt like a God. I was looking through my body with the eyes of God. I could feel God speaking through me, reminding me of how much potential I carried. I stood up in front of the mirror and looked at myself in my nakedness. I thought to myself 'I am beautiful'. A thought I had never quite allowed myself to feel because I felt such shame around being a man.
I exploded into blissful ecstasy as strength surged through my body, leading me through intricate stretches and body movements that felt completely intuitive and centuries old. I felt like a marionette that God was shaking out, moving out all the stagnant energy.
I felt like a marionette that God was shaking out, moving out all the stagnant energy.
I felt immeasurable gratitude to experience this level of clarity. To know how I create my reality constantly. I chose to create a positive reality for as long as I lived. I committed to doing this work over the coming weeks and months. I would stop feeling sorry for myself, I would shed the shell of unworthiness to myself and embrace my deep wisdom, my loving nature, the beauty of my body, and the desire to help others heal themselves. I could feel my DNA re-arranging itself as I came to this.
At this point I looked at my watch. Only 32 minutes had elapsed. It felt like I had been in the experience for hours. I continued to be in a deep meditative state for another 30 minutes before reaching out to a friend to relate as much as I could about this experience so I would not forget. This report has been a highlight of the most prominent moments but I think other aspects will come up as time goes on. I would consider this one of the most powerful experiences of my life because I felt like I was able to float right to the edge of death, almost in essence arriving at death itself while simultaneously choosing to stay in my body. Words cannot describe how complete and deep that moment was.
Going forward I would say that the combination of dissociatives and tryptamines, particularly 5-MeO-DMT, have incredible therapeutic potential on the transpersonal level of conscious healing and awareness. This is definitely an area that warrants further exploration as we evolve our understanding of how consciousness operates in the human body and mind. I would not recommend this experience to anyone not thoroughly experienced with 5MD and Ketamine on their own as the experience can be extremely disorienting and potentially panic-inducing. On the other hand, I find that this experience can be highly worthwhile for individuals to realize their True Nature through the dramas of Life and Existence.
May all beings know Happiness.
May all beings know True Self.
May all beings know Peace.
Om mani pademe hum.
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