My Journey and Why I Stopped Using It
MDMA
Citation:   TheJammyDodger. "My Journey and Why I Stopped Using It: An Experience with MDMA (exp110650)". Erowid.org. May 2, 2020. erowid.org/exp/110650

 
DOSE:
130 - 330 mg oral MDMA (powder / crystals)
BODY WEIGHT: 85 kg
All locations are real, names have been modified to protect anonymity.

The first time I did MDMA was magical. I was a 24 year old postgraduate student, studying a STEM subject at a plate glass university in the UK. The time was 8pm on a mild winter evening, I was at my friend Thomas's house, we were hanging out and chilling with his fiance Lauren. The house was a flatshare and most of the other occupants were out enjoying the weekend so it was just the three of us. I had not gone to Thomas's house with the intention of doing drugs, I thought we were just going to have an evening meal together.

After we had finished the meal that Thomas had prepared for us we went into the lounge to relax and give the food sometime to settle in our stomachs. Thomas excused himself a short while later while Lauren and I remained chatting in the lounge. When Thomas returned, some ten minutes later, he held within his right hand a small transparent sachet containing brown-white crystals of various sizes. A bit of context is needed here. While at the time, I had never taken any illicit substances, save for the occasional drink, I still knew that Thomas was probably holding a drug of some sort, my first guess was cocaine.

I had known Thomas and Lauren for a number of months now and I trusted them intimately. Lauren explained to me that Thomas had bought this 'M-D-M-A' off the darknet, they then both gave me a brief rundown of the drugs effects and assured me that while this was also their first time doing this, they had done some research into the drug. They asked me if I wanted to take this drug with them, I enthusiastically agreed! I'd heard stories about MDMA, and while it wasn't something I would have actively sought out, I was not going to turn down this opportunity that had presented itself. Lauren used a small kitchen knife to crush the crystals and separate them into three small mounds on the table. I later found out that the sachet contained 1 gram of MDMA so each mound contained approximately 333 milligrams of MDMA.

Thomas went to the kitchen and brought out 3 glasses of water. We each poured our MDMA into a glass of water and drunk it. The first thing that struck me was how bitter it tasted! God it was awful! For the first 30 minutes, we stayed within the lounge chatting, each of us occasionally checking up on the others and asking them if they felt anything. The first thing I noticed was a tingling feeling in my head, followed shortly by a strong sense of 'something is definitely happening, but I can't put my finger on it'. Around the 45 minute mark, I began to feel slightly uncomfortable and mildly anxious.

And then it happened. It felt like it happened in an instant, as if a light had been turned on in a previously dark room.
It felt like it happened in an instant, as if a light had been turned on in a previously dark room.


My head felt clearer than it had ever been in my life. My chest was filled with a rushing, pulsating warmth. Looking around me, I could see that both Lauren and Thomas were also feeling the drugs effects. I left the lounge and walked out into the hallway, one side of which had a long, panel mirror. I looked at the mirror and saw myself for the first time. I was beautiful! As an African male, having spent much of my life in Africa and having only recently moved to the UK, I had a strange first couple of months in the UK. I had made a handful of friends in the UK but the truth is I was lonely. When I wasn't focused on my studies and in those small moments at night in-between curling up in bed and falling asleep, I was empty.

Lauren and Thomas came out of the lounge and stood next to me as I looked at myself in the mirror, both hands on my cheeks as I stared in wonder at myself. Thomas asked me if I'd like a hug. I hugged him, Lauren joined the hug and stood in the middle. In that moment, I felt like I was feeling everything that I could feel. With my eyes closed, I raised one hand and ran it through Lauren's ash-brown hair, the other caressing Thomas's left cheek. In that moment, there was nothing more. It felt like union, like in that moment, which lasted for 10 minutes but felt like an eternity, I was one with my friends, the universe and everything within it.

I did MDMA on 6 different occasions after this, being scientifically inclined, after the first time I did MDMA, I went home and read all I could about this wonderful miracle drug! From the likes of reddit, bluelight e.t.c I learnt all about testing MDMA using various reagents, waiting 3 to 4 months in between rolls, taking sensible doses, taking supplements such as vitamin c before the roll to reduce neurotoxicity and taking 5http in the days following a roll so as to abate the comedown.

The rolls that followed the first started off feeling pretty great, but after my 3rd experience with MDMA, I could no longer deny the fact that each subsequent roll felt weaker than the last and the comedowns were also growing in intensity. I had read all about 'losing the magic' but I do not know if this is what was happening to me. It certainly seems so. MDMA became 'the thing I looked forward to', I think MDMA, like most drugs, has a greater pull on people that struggle with frequent bouts of sadness, loneliness and other dark and painful things. After some introspection, I came to the conclusion that after the very first time I took MDMA, on each subsequent roll I was always chasing another cloud, that was always within sight, but perpetually out of reach.

Before my last roll, in a last ditch attempt to 'regain the magic' I waited 7 months before taking MDMA. When the night finally came around, I took 130mg of MDMA. When the MDMA hit me, it was nice, not great, not amazing, just nice. I could still mildly feel the empathy that I sought but there was no fiery warmth pushing and pulsating within my chest.
I could still mildly feel the empathy that I sought but there was no fiery warmth pushing and pulsating within my chest.
I had prepared a playlist of 100 or so of my favorite songs on YouTube, and while I was enjoying the music, it no longer spoke to me the way it used to. The bass no longer felt like an extension of my soul, forcing me to sway to the rhythm of the beat.

I have since made the decision to stop taking MDMA, it has been a wonderful journey, but I am a firm believer of the old adage that says 'when you have received the message, hang up the phone'. MDMA has taught me so much about myself, but it's time for me to move from this and continue with the rest of my life. Sure, there will be loneliness, unadulterated by the prospect of taking MDMA in another couple of months to escape the emptiness, but I have hope that life can be meaningful and worthwhile without MDMA.

Thank you.

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 110650
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: May 2, 2020Views: 1,323
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MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Loss of Magic (34), Retrospective / Summary (11), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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