Citation: Sam. "Life Is Short Don't Miss Out on What You Want: An Experience with LSD, MDMA & Cannabis (exp110626)". Erowid.org. May 4, 2022. erowid.org/exp/110626
| T+ 1:00
||(blotter / tab)
| T+ 2:00
||(powder / crystals)
Iím currently in my second year of university. Itís nearing the end of the year and Iím already in the exam period. So many of the choices I make now seem like they will have a lasting impact on the rest of my life. Iím stressed from studying, letting my standards slip, and not being my old self. So far, I had taken 3 of my exams. As far as I could tell, I had failed my most recent one. At this point I didnít let that bother me. I knew I had to keep my spirits high so I could continue studying. For in just two short weeks Iíd be free for summer.
It was getting late and after a day in the library I was feeling like a smoke with flatmates T and M could be a good thing to relax. M rolls a perfect joint using a technique called back strapping which has the advantage that you smoke less paper. While T and I chill on the bed talking about our plans for summer.
-9pm (Smoke Weed)
We start passing the joint between us and soon I start to feel more relaxed. The joint was harsh on our throats because the weed was so damp. After passing the joint I went out to get some water to clear my throat and then I came back to smoke some more. Once the joint was out M and T went to the campus shop to get some food because they had started to get the munchies. I stayed behind and went back to my room to experience the high.
At this point I think that itís worth noting Iím a huge fan of both Terence McKenna and Alan Watts. These two men are the whole reason I decided to jump into the world of psychedelics and start exploring consciousness. I actually feel that I can split my life into two parts. Before I found out about Terence McKenna and after I found out about Terence McKenna.
I actually feel that I can split my life into two parts. Before I found out about Terence McKenna and after I found out about Terence McKenna.
Alan Watts too has been such an influential man on my life. His talks about Zen Buddhism are fascinating to me and now, whenever I meditate, itís on my mind.
Earlier in the day my mind had been wandering and I had taken time to think about the possibility of dropping acid tonight. I had realised that there was enough time before my next exam, but I didnít want to risk a day of non-studying so I decided against it. Now however, I started thinking about life. About how, so far as we can tell, itís all there is. The things I want to do in life but I donít do will ultimately define me. Once the end of my life comes, I donít want to be lying on a death bed full of regrets about what could have been. Instead I want to look back and think about all the memories I have of doing things that were balls crazy. It was this exact thought that lead to me thinking that my definition of insanity would be: wanting to do something but not doing it because I am afraid of the consequences. The reason I say this is because, regardless of whether you do or donít do the thing that you want to do, youíre still going to die. Furthermore, youíre never going to know the consequences of any action beforehand, because the amount of information that one requires to make an informed decision in any situation is infinite. Now upon thinking this I realised that I absolutely had to drop acid tonight.
-10pm (Drop Acid)
I put two tabs of acid on my tongue dosed at 100ug each and start to relax while I wait for the effects to kick in. While I am waiting I pull up a soundtrack on youtube that I love to meditate with and lie down with my headphones. It was at this point I realised that following the exact same reasoning for dropping acid I should roll tonight as well.
-10.15pm (Roll Mandy)
I went to the kitchen to get some cocoa nibs and put them in a drink of water which I drank as fast as possible to avoid the taste. (Cocoa nibs to protect the brain from oxidative stress while rolling). I came back to my room and took a food based multivitamin tablet for good measure as these too can help to protect against oxidative stress. By this point the two tabs of acid had started to break apart in my mouth so I preceded to swallow them. I started measuring out the Mandy and took about 150mg. The taste was even more bitter and chemical like than normal because I was still high from joint.
I started listening to meditation music to calm me down before everything hit. Normally I find that with acid there is a come-up period and Lucy slowly changes my perception so that I can see things from a new light. Colours are very beautiful at first and emotions are increased exponentially.
-10.20 (Acid Kicks In)
This time however, the acid come up simply went from 0 to 100 in the space of a moment in time. One moment I wasnít tripping and the next I was. This wasnít scary and at the time I didnít even think about it.
I started hearing voices from behind me but I didnít pay close attention to what they were saying because I was listening to the meditation music with my headphones on. It sounded like a lot of laughter and a bit of a party. I assumed that the voices were coming from outside as I had my window open but my curtains were shut. The voices I could hear slowly grew louder until they were just as loud as regular speech. It was at this point when I wondered where the voices that I could hear were really coming from. I took off my headphones and looked at curtains for the source of the voices I was hearing. As I lifted my gaze higher and higher I could hear the voices getting ever clearer and I started paying more attention to the content inside them. I started looking at the corner of my room and it was at this point they realised that I could hear them!
It was my grandads voice, my fatherís voice, my mothers, my sisters. It was the voices of everyone that I loved and cared about. The people whose lives I had affected the most by spending my time with them. My father and grandfather were the first to realise that I could hear them. My father shouted, ďlook up sonĒ. I was already looking in the top corner of my room but I realised that this wasnít good enough so I averted my gaze and looked directly up. At this point, all of the voices started laughing and cheering, they were so happy that I could finally hear them.
All of the people, that I love and care about. All of the people that love and care about me. Told me how much they love me for everything that I am and everything that I do. We had a conversation, about how happy they were, about what I had become with my beliefs and acting the way I want to be. After the conversation, I could hear M and T coming back from getting food.
-10.25 (M and T came back with food)
My loved ones told me to start cleaning the Mandy off my desk and put away the acid strip because M and T would be coming back any moment. I rushed to clean everything up so that I could go chill with them once they got back. Once I had finished cleaning I felt the need to take a piss, so I went to the toilet, but I got distracted by something and started looking at myself in the mirror. Immediately I noticed the size of my pupils and how the normal bloodshot red colour of my eyes after smoking weed wasnít really present. As I tried to focus on the centre of my eye my head started warping and features on my face became greatly accentuated. The spots on my face went bright red and started growing exponentially in size while my face became distorted, changed colour, and didnít fit together the right way. I really didnít like seeing my face this way and it was this experience that spooked me for the rest of the night.
From this point onwards I have absolutely no track of time whatsoever
I filled up my cup with water from the tap in my shower room and drank it. After drinking the water, the voices told me to stand in the shower. I started taking off my clothing but they told me it wasnít necessary, so with my pjís half on half off I got into the shower. They told me to look up at the head of the shower and open my mouth. I followed their instructions but nothing happened so I started to get scared and quickly got out the shower. Soon I started noticing the general mess that my shower room was in and my mind started making it worse than it actually was. I started seeing small yellow dots all around the room which transformed into hundreds of spiders and I realised that I couldnít leave the shower room because if I opened the door they would get into my bedroom. I still had my clothes half on and half off when I reached for the towel for protection from the spiders. I started shivering uncontrollably. Wherever I looked in the room, on every wall, there were hundreds of spiders and insects. There was even a massive one sitting on the toilet. I realised at that point that my mind was trying to teach me not to be afraid of spiders anymore and I knew that if I sat on the largest spider, that was sitting on the toilet, they would all disappear. I simply could not do it. I was shivering too much and in too much of a panic. I fell to my knees destroyed by what I had become and started wondering why I could hear the voices.
I knew that I went into my shower room at 10.25 and when I came out it was 4.00am. The hours I spent inside the shower room felt like hell. I started going serious mental loops that became impossible to break out of.
The loop started like this: At first, I would realise that I had just completed a loop, so I would start laughing because I had been doing the same thing over and over. Then the realisation that I was stuck in the loop and could not break it would come over me. I would then forget completely that I was even in a loop and figure that each thing that I was doing was the first time I had done it. I would end up in some corner of the shower room doing one of four things dependent on what part of the loop I had gone to. I donít exactly remember what each of the four things where, but one of them was the feeling like I was unzipping my skin from the top of my head downwards. Another was throwing up an entity out of myself that had taken control of me. After one loop ended, another loop would start again and take me to one of the other 3 endings. Each time I completed a loop the next loop was a little bit faster and I realised that once the loops sped up fast enough I would be able to remember all four endings at the same time and break the loop. The loop started changing once I could remember all four endings and for the first time I managed to leave my shower room. (Without the fear of spiders getting into my bedroom). I was still looping but now there were different endings. I had thought that once I was out of the room it would stop completely, but now I realised I was going to have to experience death for it to all stop.
The final loop took me to the corner of my bedroom with my body pressed against the floor and my head buried into the carpet. Feeling shattered and scared to die. All of the time that I had been looping my connection to the voices of the spirit world had been broken. Now however, upon dying, the connection came back. My family and loved ones cheered and welcomed me back as I died but my time with them was short lived and soon I was forced back into my body. My experience of death was not painful, it was nothing, no different to life.
I woke up, born again, finally out of the looping and with a sigh of relief I vowed not to go back into the shower room no matter what happened tonight. I put on some clothes and sat down in my chair trying to process all of the things that had just happened to me, but I was finding it too difficult to concentrate because I was still tripping. I realised I had to go for a walk to calm myself down and have time to think.
I started getting my jacket ready and put in my earphones. I put my shoes on and left the building. Immediately I started feeling better for being outside and not stuck in my room. I realised that I had been sweating and my body was feeling really hot. Upon being outside the trip started making a turn for the better.
As I was walking I went into a mind of my own and forgot that I was human. I started thinking that I was this cartoon like creature which I used to dream about when I was a baby. (The creature was only one dimensional, I donít even know how to explain it other than like a full stop). Somehow, I was accessing memories that I didnít even know I had. After being that creature I got upgraded into a two dimensional being. To describe what I thought I was, when I was little I had my name written on my bedroom door and of of the letters of my name, L, is what I became. It was all making so much sense to me that life was just these little cartoon creatures with no worries in the world. Whenever a car or person walked past me I would remember I was human again and started saying to myself ďwhat the fuckĒ over and over. I did not understand how I could forget that I was human but somehow, I still kept doing it.
Once I started walking back, I walked back though the field, instead of on the pavement. My shoes ended up wet and the bottoms of my trousers were soaked through too. My face was still clammy from sweat and I was still feeling hot. As I stepped into my flat I walked past a guy and girl from the floor above me. The girl looked at my sweaty face and my soaked trousers and boots and then gave her guy friend a look of terror. I tried to get past them as quickly as possible and back to my room.
I could feel that the trip was getting less intense now and from this moment onwards, nothing too out of the ordinary happened. I got ready for bed and put back on my meditation music while I started to relax. I stayed up for a further 2 hours processing my thoughts before, finally, I could get some sleep.
I have purposely made it this trip report long as to explain everything that I went through in the best detail that I could. If this report manages to help anyone at all with a difficult trip in the future then itíll be worth it. I have to say that the turning point of my trip was looking at myself in the mirror very early on before the peak. I think if I had not done this the trip would have been completely different.
I feel that writing out the trip has helped me to remember different aspects of it and has helped me to process it in my mind. I now feel more equipped to put it behind me.
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