Citation: Spiritzed. "Alone Time in Hyperspace: An Experience with Pharmahuasca (Syrian Rue & DMT) (exp110432)". Erowid.org. Jun 29, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110432
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[Reported Dose: 400mg DMT and 8-10g Syrian Rue seed tea]
The following is my best chronological account of coming into the mystery of a Pharmahuasca-driven ego-shedding experience. I'll say this concerning my experience; it’s something I will not forget in this lifetime. I’d love to share and include as many details as I can, but we have yet to find words for much of this experience and this venue demands a certain focus. These stories and experiences, I am evolving to seek and tell effectively. Here goes nothing...or everything.
A DMT and Peganum Harmala brew + 1 vapor hit, is the catalyst of my experience. I worked up about 300-450mg of an oral dose of DMT (This weight included the 2 capsules and drop of citrus added to each). The MAOI was approx. 10G of a Syrian Rue boil (I did not take in the seed, so may equate to less. It was a 7-10 minute boil). Confident in my only concern, (a lack of deaths on DMT) I would be braving this experience…ALONE. Experience and later research showed me - I was possibly within the dangers of serotonin syndrome. There were moments within 3 days after the experience that had me concerned (described later).
Concerning my motives, a few prior experiences had me curious to go further than before. Though their level of novelty was close to the following experience, there was an undiscovered dissolution to be beheld. Set and setting was largely my isolated thoughts and a house once occupied by some people very important to me. In this alone-ness I was comfortable, the temperature and humidity was pleasant. I was primarily found seated in my bed or laying on my back. I have always gone it alone exploring in this way. Though that exploration be limited, it includes (included): Cannabis use, honeymooner NMT+Peganum Harmala use, and finally DMT+light peganum harmala (for its additional color and ancient archetypal flavoring). I had until this point and still to some degree, believe in an omnipotent being that may or may not be completely entwined in my own being. This had largely played in the experience to follow.
At about 10PM I had made the knee-jerk commitment (Yes, I had to essentially trick myself and be so naïve to take this quantum leap of experience). At 10:45, encapsulated DMT went down the hatch in two parts - 1st at about 45mins after the tea, then 60mins. I tossed aside the thought of 'Oh dear God, what have I done' for the time being. For the first 40mins, approaching the vision threshold, the standard visuals took some coaxing to come forward. I was for about 15 minutes stuck in the ‘grids’.
Little did I know, my lack of orally administered experience was the only road block. My experiences largely consisted of oral MAOI via Syrian Rue, followed by well-timed vaporized ‘spice’. Some MAOI-safe food was in order. This included: a few bites of fresh-fully cooked ham (ounces worth), a tbsp of mustard, a handful of grapes (5-10), and a piece of a clementine (less than half). Within 15 minutes my insides became quite warm.
At this point, with angst and impatience I also took one mild vapor draw from my backup plan, in case nothing happened. Vapor genie aside and breathing out I had the quick sensation: “Here we go, its moving up!” Not in a nauseous way but a rushing pressure, a pre-headache-knot-in-your-neck kind of way. All the neurotransmitters were partying in my gut too, making their way north. ‘Lord knows’ what my liver thought of this whole ordeal. An omnipresence of light was starting around the edges of my vision, accompanying the pressure. A shimmering was taking to the once subdued visuals of my closed eye and something was finally happening. Sweet!
I began to feel a rush of ‘data’ overwhelm my senses, beyond the knot in my neck. The aura like shimmering, as I can best describe, was quite bright open/closed eye. Upon focus on the closed eye vision, I saw what appeared to be skyscraper crowned gears. It could’ve also been described as castle like crenulations atop gear teeth. This was fine and dandy, but I was forgetting to focus/pay attention. Similarly, something new I had never felt was infused here. It felt like I was more than just myself. I would use a term which I think is widely misused and misunderstood here-schizophrenia. I felt as if channel surfing was beginning to take place on a level of personality and my behavior.
I felt as if channel surfing was beginning to take place on a level of personality and my behavior.
Admittedly, this was never noticeable with vaporized experiences, perhaps because one seems to quickly waltz right through the experience. In this case, I had to “sit down for a coffee with” whatever was going on here.
I didn’t know what to do with the data, the story being told. The gears and their crenulations were turning in and out of themselves. As if they only took shape protruding from the surface of some superfluid. They would disappear behind the scenes after showing me their full detail at the forward of rotation. I thought this is where I would land until finishing the metaphoric coffee, but there was more in store.
Always being careful with my consciousness, “of sound mind” as we’d call it in our nuclear western culture, I didn’t think this would turn sour. After all, I’ve had fanatical and ecstatic experiences (vaporized) at this point. Like, “This place knows me, and I know it. Now we’ll be even more initiated. I’ll learn so much, it’ll be fun, sexy and embrace me…” While that statement is true, this experience reminded me harshly, “There are lessons waiting-yet, don’t get ahead of yourself(myself)”.
Some notes on movement for me with these ‘neurotransmitter substances’: I was a diagnosed ‘ADHD’ child growing up. It is known certain substances affect the mind and nervous system differently in cases like this and similar. Like these cases, I was surprisingly ‘with it and mobile’. This same phenomenon was evident in vaporized administration. I took some layers of clothes off and covered on my bed to get comfortable. Things were rubbery and attempts at correcting my setting difficult. However, I would continue moving throughout.
The next 10 minutes extinguished my angst and childlike excitement. A sound system I had set up caused an annoying 60 cycle hum in the room. I turned it off, bothered by this inconvenience. I think that moment was a significant turning point, “I shouldn’t have these interruptions!” I began feeling nagged by this. It spiraled into considering the annoyance many different things, momentarily asking myself or the trip “why do things have to be this way!?” This didn’t sit well and the visuals/central nervous channel pressure was ramping up fast! Soon after, it showed me what I can only call the most nagging, entangled and persistent neon advertising/propaganda I have ever seen. It was essentially saying “Oh you think that’s annoying? Look at this!” It was like neon signs shuffling their way to the forefront, each more hell-bent to show themselves than the last. This seemed “so wrapped with consumerism” it was sickening to me. I was judging it heavily. That may have been a problem.With mixed emotions and judgements, the thoughts were becoming hard to trace.
The experience was replacing the thoughts. The creeping feeling this concoction presented was not something I’ve ever felt. You can’t ‘get comfortable’ on the come up. It really feels like the sheering away of boundaries as described others. It appeared reality was being replaced, like the thoughts. The consideration “perhaps thought defines reality”, entered in. The walls of the room started to flicker in and out of solidity. Literally, there was some sort of flash associated with wandering eyes/a shifting scene. The walls would appear ok for a moment, fall behind a fog, and upon eye movement - a flash! They came right back into focus.
Some minutes pass and the moment doesn’t feel ‘well’. “I feel like collapsing.” It’s like being exhausted and energized at the same time, like being spread thin. “Is this a side effect of my fears? I’ve never felt this on DMT…with or without Syrian Rues help…” I wondered if replacing my neurology forcedly with these chemicals, would actually stop my brain and my heart. It was classic, but terrible for those moments. It felt hopeless. Like I’d screwed up and was going to lose consciousness or worse. At this moment I looked around, grabbed my phone and tried to operate it… “I swear, I’ve pushed the wake-up button properly and am swiping to unlock. Why isn’t this working??? All I need is to call my friend to trip sit me!” It wouldn’t work. I could barely focus on it. “My hands feel so hot, maybe something has changed electro-statically here”. I was still able to think and make decisions through this. This simple task, however, wasn’t happening today!
I took what I recall as ~5 minutes and walked around the house. This felt like time I barely had. My attachment to this world was like an infant, Stumbling and wavering about. I rid the place of evidence I had anything ‘weird’ going on. This included, picking up some lazily draped wires from the stereo I had setup for my ‘setting’. I got rid of a warm pot of water, meant to humidify the air. Finally I removed remains of the tea and molecule responsible for my current mess of a Set. I returned to the bed and attempted to address this ‘set’. I was failing to hold onto any one idea. If I did, it took everything in me to focus in on it. My last attempt was thinking that my family would find “I’d really screwed up. Their youngest went full idiot and killed himself with a drug”.
Staring these thoughts in the face manifested in the vision. A smoky figure rose from the wood grain in the bedroom closet door - a demonic and consuming presence of a face was rising… approaching. Behind closed eyes it re-manifested in fuller detail, ‘calling me out’ through its telepathic presence. It was like staring my behavioral personality in the face. I could see what the backdrop of cigarette butts, bad skin-tone, unsightly hair and lazy posture were saying (I didn’t embody this physically speaking, however I judged myself so). It was like looking Iron Maidens mascot ‘Eddie’ in the face. Picture the 1980 self-titled album cover. It was a 1 on 1 staring contest in the same room right after Eddie finds his way to your house and fuses with bits and pieces of you - removing parts of your humanness, putting himself in your place…taking over. This had a feel, much like Buddhism's ‘mara’ I later imagined. It was trying to trick me (DMT Trickster?) into thinking it ruled my ego, in a sense.
I felt in danger. I also felt like I deserved this-Like who I was as a person, was inadequate. These emotions, the self-judgment, disappointment, hopelessness were not something I was used to dealing with, to such a soul crushing, ‘damning’ degree. What I came to find within those minutes, was I was entirely too hard on myself. These projected images, were also like emotions projected upon others. So much for handling this. My saving grace was, feeling I understood this as being a problem with so many other conscious beings.
A bit of courage was captured in these moments. This glaring and ironic ‘I have a trick up my own sleeve’ feeling entered in. I remembered it as something that didn’t seem part of my wakeful consciousness …‘from beyond’. “I can still decide how to live or die, how I can ‘be’”. Final moments or not, they counted. How else can I say this… I moved into ‘the now’. I played out my final moments as if part of the sufi continual-cosmic-dance, a show. I sat up in bed, in one place, and started to do some yogic movements and felt ready to kick some ass. I’m not quite sure where this confidence of ‘welcoming’ was stored, but IT WAS INSIDE THE WHOLE TIME! I told myself, “just keep moving/breathing. It’s ok, it’s always ok. I love you.”
“just keep moving/breathing. It’s ok, it’s always ok. I love you.”
I cannot fully describe or remember the timing of the following events. We are perhaps approaching the 1hr30min mark since “Begin-Visuals”. I can say, choosing the movement was as ungrounded as my sense of time. I mean I say that, and I just took a psychedelic. That’s what happens right? Though I wouldn’t change this choice, it was dangerous. I had resisted the anesthetic properties of DMT to keep me planted. Relatively speaking, I was hyper vigilant. Perhaps the effects generated by my different neurology? It could also be the restless features of the MAOI. This could be an important question. From looking at recommendations around the community, seek stillness. You can seriously hurt yourself, something I (by the grace of something) narrowly avoided.
The movements sped up until I couldn't even account for them as being my own. My arms were flying about my whole body in what felt like perfect symmetry. This yoga was turning into a hyperdimensional travel centrifuge. It felt as though I was creating a ‘field’ around me, ‘prepping my vehicle for launch’. When all this was happening, one moment of “what am I doing?” passed. I lost symmetry and flew off the bed in an instant. Upon doing so my movements broke a cheap brass plated handle off the dresser beside the bed and I sent a decent sized loudspeaker half way across the room. I know what it looks like, “Where was the discipline? Where was the set and setting?” Look, no one has been prepared, (as far as I’ve found) especially for an extended alone session with dying.
Finally I stopped moving. Maybe the gash on my knee and both ankles was what brought me back to physical awareness. I don’t know if I would have stopped otherwise. It could’ve been much worse. I just sat on the floor for a moment still ‘interfering’. The feeling was, 'now look at what you've done, you've tainted the whole experience with your clumsy shenanigans. Now what? For all you know you may be stuck in this place for good. What if your family finds you like this? What will they think? Does it matter?' Here in this place, I felt spread across everything, feeling alone. I felt infinitely small, large, free, yet trapped. I was not completely overwhelmed yet, but in a way I had already let go.
I could still remember I was human. I could make out that I was on the floor in my room past the visions, In and out of what looked like a digital, yet organic self-recycling 2D surface. It reminded me of red blood cellular traffic racing beside white blood cells, a hint of electrical impulses/grid like structure and the DMT language embroidering. Despite wrecking myself, I found the mental or otherwise strength to tell myself, “it's ok. You’re ok. Focus, get back on track.” This hope got me moving. So lets go, its time…
I barely propped myself back up on the bed and something ‘new’ happened. Closed eyes presented the brightest golden culmination/collection of beings I’ve ever encountered. A review of all of the above revealed moments of understanding and compassion for myself and others who have suffered from the reflections I had just endured. This was enough. In a moments notice, this 'judge” allowed me past it/him/her/whatever. Maybe it was some level of me, I cannot remember the feeling. The transition is completely gone to me here. I can only recall the concept of pieces being ‘restored’ to the original state my consciousness was in prior to this ‘explosion’ or whatever it was.
Some speak of a shimmering blackness. However, I can’t even conceptualize that. It’s as if such a label would judge it as something it isn’t. It felt apparent, however, I resolved into everything. My ego was gone, any remains of concern (not to be confused with memory or awareness, these were intact) of this life had vanished. What was also interesting is, this place was bearable for only a moment. It was recursive at that ‘Top State’. I’m not sure how long I was there. I got the sense that I cannot stay once I could distinguish a compartmentalized sense of self again. It was as if, something began telling me, “You’re not done yet”, but not like that. It was non-englishable. In other words, some chance for experience and entropy to exist again was ‘calling me back’.
Things were being restored, it was all completely novel. I wish I could explain that, but imagine being on vacation from your body and your personality. Time isn’t a thing. It could’ve been 50 seconds or 50 minutes. My perception was the wholesome holographic of the entire universe… It happened. That’s all my human instruction set can handle. Being in this place, I felt I was responsible. It was like all forms were kept by what I was. I could focus in on the never distant memories of being young, old, ape, fish, single point-earth worms view, you name it. The moment when I was Ape, my whole body of hair was the perfect/glistening.
There was something else happening with this, an unconscious count. As I went through these rounds of recursion, each brought the re-installment/refinement back to human consciousness. It was Computational; the process was without error; the vision, liquid crystal. It couldn’t happen any other way. It’s like I was aware of the chemical technology and its process all within me…so perfect. I have never been so comfortable in my life. It's like something repaired me, worked out the kinks. Divine heat and pleasantry was at the reigns. I had handed up control, to what I knew was a more effective lead. However, it was me all along. It was all good.
Something else bizarre and ecstatic happened here. Yes I say this even now, as I have never known or heard of the phenomena that followed and extended to my body. Laying in the universe/bed, I started to revolve each and every muscle and limb of my body, slowly. Not in a convulsive or way of seizing. It was like the furthest entropic movements possible for all of my muscles in a gentle and slow-rhythmic fashion. From my eye brows and lips, to my toes, I was experiencing this gentle movement. My legs would sprawl slowly down the bed, then revolve up and inwards towards my core. The one leg, would land to my side and the other slowly touched down after, creating a wide gated walk, lying in place. With every perfect-circular flux my physical body made, it was reflected in the vision.
I remember when my head would rock forward-to-back, it was as if a Mohawk was just whipped through the cosmos. That hair extended out creating infinite waves of movement. Accompanying that head movement was deeper meaning. Moving my Head-up, was a consideration of something…anything, perhaps multiple things from this perspective; Head-down, acknowledgement; Head from left and right, welcoming the next thing to consider. Every point on my body was involved with the very same depth.
All situations, considerations and data were not problematic. At no time did the distinguishing of good/bad enter in. If I could muster some sort of emotion, it would have been a big bang of tears made of appreciation. At that time, such was my situation. What we call “The Big Bang” seemed like my dance. If there’s a human metaphor to this part of the experience, it is Alex Greys “Cosmic Elf” art. Tied up and loving every minute of the infinite flux.
The removal or filtration from the experience was well under way. Maybe I am being reborn, a universe and a soul, meshing again with the physical plenum among all the other players of my…this game. This thinking was a blast and allowed me to reduce the trauma associated with the first half of the climax. I considered just how I wanted the universe to form, everything from the concept-of-concept, communication, mathematics, sentience, to subjective relations. Ideas were ‘a thing to hold onto’ again. I grasped how I wanted my life to play out and others in it. It’s as if a version of me put this human device precisely in place, to allow for this great charade of forgetting and remembering - A plot within a play of hide and seek.
My accelerating descent is when I could finally distill what happened above! I became ever more aware of the strange movements and how my brain was reaching out, gaining control and bearing in this reality again. A voice manifested out of this, perhaps my own intuition, guiding me. It said, 'it's time to try'. This was as booming and clear as the word of God. Repeatedly it would say, 'Stand... Not yet? That's ok, who cares. Stand. Not yet? That's ok, who cares.' The revolutions of my body came more into focus. Now, the complete return into the physical, a confidence, and an infinite power would prove its ability to again pilot my body. When the time was right, 'STAND!' and one final massively pronounced revolution, with what seemed like a finale to a symphony sounded in my soul. Directly after, a verbal utterance from my body… something of a sigh or breath of closure flew out. It was something of shamanic flavor “Shashashashaashaaa… “. I opened my eyes.
The next few minutes were a quick decline. For some reason during this time, another phenomenon I have heard described before happened. I thought I heard a bunch of prop-airplanes going by overhead… very strange. Everything propeller driven from helicopters to turbo props was whizzing by right outside my window. This seemed like the ‘carrier signaling’ or pieces of my consciousness restoring order in the brain. I imagined it was my humanity being buttoned up/isolated from that feeling of non-locality once again. Truly a humbling and awe inspiring experience… of which I was the awe. Not in egotistical way, but a glaring responsibility enforcing way.
It was 3-4AM upon reaching (what felt like though im sure wasn't) baseline consciousness. 4-5hrs had passed. I was dazed…clear but dazed.
4-5hrs had passed. I was dazed…clear but dazed.
In shock, I was relieved and horrified by what just took place. I was still shaken to the core. It was astounding to be alive and a blessing to be worthy of being an 'individual surrounded by many' again. I was also confused, however. I wondered what I was doing back. Like, if I had really gone that far, was I really supposed to be back? What was left to do with life? I just did everything imaginable in myself…with everything I perceive as outside of myself. That responsibility associated with “You’re God, The One, The Universe” and perhaps some artifacts of serotonin syndrome kept me up, thinking for ~3 nights, including that night.
It was incredibly interesting, during those following days, however equally as frightening during the night hours. I would try and sleep, but wasn't tired. If I did fall asleep, I would awaken suddenly feeling very warm. Naps during the summer day sometimes included a mini-experience, vivid waking dreams. It was by a feeling that I was on the verge of blowing up the universe, creating a black hole or imploding on myself. You could say i felt a single binary bit away from figuring something out that would produce, the aforementioned experience I just described.
On the 2nd night, I had taken 3mg of melatonin to see if it would have classical effects and help me sleep. I was in for a rude awakening. This had stimulated and overloaded my receptor sites, to my understanding. This was to the point where I had become feverish, anxious and had almost started convulsing or seizing. For the next 3-4 hours I would struggle to remain grounded, calm and without some degree of shakes. Fortunately I had my family by this point, ungrudgingly helping me recover. This was a powerful force to keep me attached /grounded.
This issue was offset by the days. At every moment I felt the best I have ever felt, physically and mentally. The very typical cold/clamminess of my fingers and toes was gone; I was on fire, you could say; Radiating so much heat and energy, never running short of good circulation; heart beat strong and slow. Moments of concern for my heart, still showed my bp was nearly perfect. I would not get hungry, but could eat at any time… I can only explain it as, I felt, God-like. Not flawed in the least, though questioning that concept through my nights. My closed eye, presented a tiny rainbow effect and either ‘ ∞ ‘ or the vajra symbol. Admittedly this might be the effect of what my assumptions were, spiritually at the time. It could also be a freestanding–objective result of expanded consciousness. Where else in conscious experience, after all, would ancient cultures have procured these symbols?
After a while, it's like I simply wanted sleep back, for the sake of the practice and the need for a peaceful unconscious state. It is strange to say this, but “I took sleep back”. I had decided that sleep was useful once again. Or perhaps, I was that in tune with my body’s desire for sleep, finally. The 3rd night included a peaceful meditation and a falling to sleep pretty naturally. All that was left was some of the psychological paradoxes laid forth by the experience.
Playing with brain chemistry is typically frowned upon by ‘the players’ in this life/game but every experience and feeling I had leading up to and including this, tells me it was worth it and equivalent to what some would call ‘sacred’. This term, one that reveres and reserves the experience for religious and spiritual folk seems due to fear. I believe ‘sacred’ should be approached ‘with light heart’ for these experiences. When we push away our birth right for experience, we are automatically making judgment, even if only to ourselves. This is damaging to the psyche from my experience.
DMT, flavored by Syrian Rue seeds was the ultimate convincer for me, as Terence McKenna has put it. I now have at least an idea of my core consciousness (maybe), who I may be and what all of this really is. We shall see. I have always believed in a creative force, but resolving up into the entirety of or becoming that force is something that makes me like ‘O_o’. The most comforting thought, after having experienced this is helping others through these experiences, thoughts and the dilemmas that arise. So is the purpose of this account. -Cheers
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