Citation: J._Nyb. "Addiction Is No Longer an Issue: An Experience with Amphetamines (Adderall) (exp110266)". Erowid.org. Apr 23, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110266
I will give a brief history of my experience with drugs and addictions in general. Ever since I was little, I struggled with major anxiety, especially in social situations. I always avoided human contact whenever possible, and was never naturally a friendly person. Unless I was comfortable with you, I would not say a word to you. Iíve struggled with nail biting, something I continue to struggle with to this day. I also used to habitually twist and pull out patches of my hair as a kid to cope with anxiety and stress. Overall, you could say I was a nervous, and extremely anxious person.
Looking back at my past I can take an educated guess that perhaps my dopamine levels were naturally low, and this resulted in my rewards center not being activated often enough. This led me to believe that I wasnít producing what I needed to be successful and obtain happiness. I always compared myself to others, and was envious for things that I didnít have. I had a lot of mental issues and this eventually caused me to struggle in sports, although I was athletic. This led me to struggle constantly with myself, and I was essentially my own worst enemy when it came to most competitive activities. On top of this, I had a successful father, who pushed me to be the best I could be. He was very competitive, and often times yelled at me at games and events when I made a mistake. Not saying it was his fault, but this added pressure led me to believe I was a disappointment.
I turned to anything I could which gave me pleasure, and a sense of warmth. My friends introduced me to Xbox, and mountain dew, which eventually led to a sugar and caffeine addiction. This also led me to become heavily addicted to video games, as well as pornography. The addiction to pornography gave me a sense of guilt, and made it difficult to have confidence talking to women at the time.
Fast forward to my senior year, the first time I ever tried any sort of psychoactive drug besides caffeine. I started to get into the party life and drinking became a regular thing. Any time I went to a party I had to drink enough to the point of losing inhibition enough to talk to strangers.
Any time I went to a party I had to drink enough to the point of losing inhibition enough to talk to strangers.
As a sober person, I had a fear of being rejected, so any time I wanted to talk to girls or make friends I had to essentially use alcohol to mask these issues. Not only was alcohol my best friend, but soon peer pressure led me to the consistent use of cannabis. Now let me tell you, back then I donít think I could have loved a drug more than I did cannabis.
For me cannabis was the perfect drug. It gave me a mood lift when needed. It helped me sleep. It increased my appetite and my sex drive. It also boosted my confidence and made me more creative. Some of the best memories of my life were resulted from being with my stoner friends and getting high out of our minds. I had also tried other drugs during my early college years, (cocaine, LSD, shrooms, opioids, and I have had many profound experiences with these, but these are meant for a later story).
But for me, THC was the dream substance that gave me the escape from harsh reality of being a disappointment and not living up to my potential. Sadly, after about a year of smoking with maybe a few days off in between, I soon developed a constant paranoia whenever I got high. This was really conflicting because I was so addicted to cannabis that I was convincing myself I would get over these delusions to enjoy the one thing that I used to escape the cruel world of soberness (spoken like a true drug addict). Eventually I did enough research, and found out that I probably had a predisposition to schizophrenia. It got so bad that whenever I smoked even just a small bowl, I had inanimate objects telling me to kill myself, and I felt like I could hear peopleís thoughts, and they could hear mine as well. I eventually gave up cannabis after many tries, and to this day havenít even had a thought of touching the stuff.
It is now my Sophomore year of college. I am a devoted husband, and soon to be father. I love my family so much that I work my ass off day in and day out for them. I want to give them the world. But for me, I always struggled to focus in school, or motivate myself to study. I still pulled decent grades, but it was so mind numbingly difficult to get myself to commit to an evening of homework. I would much rather watch the new Netflix series, or play videogames (I am still addicted to those to this day). I still experience anxiety attacks on a regular basis, and have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts. I eventually started hearing things, and I mean like conversations going on at night when I canít sleep. I would seek out the noise and find that everyone else is clearly asleep, and the conversations are merely in my head. This led me to seeking help from a mental health specialist here in town. After a couple of hours of opening myself up to this woman (god bless this magnificent ladyís heart) she is telling me that I need to take a couple of tests for her. She ended up diagnosing me with chronic anxiety, as well as ADHD mixed with bi-polar disorder. I told her about my use of cannabis, and other psychedelics (which I believe is what caused me to start hearing these things).
I did mention to her that I had tried Adderall in the past without a prescription and it was a very positive experience, although it was a long time ago. She ended up prescribing me 20mg of Addy a day, two regular 10mg tablets, one for the morning and one for the afternoon.
The first afternoon after I got my prescription I popped two pills at the same time and decided to sit down and do some homework. About an hour in and Iím already feeling a mood boost, and homework is a breeze. I never thought it was this easy to focus on something that is usually so boring. The smallest tasks, like writing and calculating, become some of the most satisfying things I have experienced in months. I end up finishing about 6 hours of normal load homework within 3 hours. Nothing could break my attention, unless I allowed it to be broken. I had complete control over what kind of sensory input I received consciously, and this was something I have never really been able to do in my entire life. It was amazing, and I felt like I had unlocked a super power.
I felt like I had unlocked a super power.
The only thing that I stopped to do was answer some text messages, and get water (Adderall makes my throat dry as hell, and I am constantly peeing).
The weird thing was, I was expecting a rush of energy or euphoria, like most people tell me they get when they take this stuff. For me it was nothing like that. I got a much more calm, relaxed mood boost, as well as the ability to focus on any task I wanted and then proceed to complete that task with outstanding efficiency. I also found that I had the urge to make conversation with people, and hold conversations much longer than I would sober. This was especially strange because I naturally avoid socializing with anyone, including my parents usually except for the typical ďhello, how was your day?Ē. But no, for me I wanted every little damn detail of what you did, why you did it, and what you were doing tomorrow. This drug was amazing, I didnít feel the need to get high, or even play videogames. For me, any task was totally satisfying, and I had this amazing confidence boost, like I was the fucking king of this castle. Itís not that I necessarily felt more intelligent, but I felt like I could conquer any task that I wanted, because I had all the motivation I needed. I noticed falling asleep that night wasnít quite as easy as usual, but I still managed to just fine. I also had no hangover whatsoever the next day.
The following days I continue taking 20-30mg per day depending on the work load I have that day (I am a full-time student, working part time, and I have many obligations I have to meet every day, while trying to get in the gym 4-5 times a week). And then that coming Saturday I decided to test my limits. Hereís a brief timeline of the dosages taken:
+0.00: 20 mg
+0.30: 10 mg
+3.00: 20 mg
Total Dosage within 9.5 hours: 80 mg (over four times the amount prescribed to me)
My goal was to basically level out my 80 mg total that day through increments of small doses. In my opinion this was the best and least addictive way to take a large total dose that day, avoiding a difficult comedown. Now keep in mind I never really get a Ďhighí when I take Adderall, and I think this must do with the fact that I have ADHD. Instead, I will experience a slight mood boost, and I will have an involuntary positive attitude towards just about anything thatís thrown at me. Starting out, I accomplished a lot that morning.
I completed my tax return, that I had procrastinated on, within about 30 minutes, and then proceeded to move heavy furniture from our basement, up two flights of stairs, to my wifeís nursery for our son. This would normally be excruciatingly hard to find motivation for, but instead I did it willingly, and felt very accomplished once we put the room together. I also carried up an estimated 25-30 boxes up there as well, which adds up to be a lot of energy when you consider how many trips it took. I find that Adderall doesnít necessarily boost my energy output, but it does increase motivation so that completing tasks gives me the mental energy to want more. I also experience an increased reward of dopamine whenever I accomplish a difficult or time consuming task, which is rare when I am sober. I also moved my entire desk, as well as my desktop PC to my new office (which is the same room as the nursery), and this was another task which normally would have deprived me of energy. Instead I managed to do these things, and then afterwards take my dogs on a mile long walk before I took my wife on a road trip that day.
By the time, we finished our walk it was about 2:30PM and I could tell the 30mg dose that I took earlier was fading off a little bit. I decide to take another 20-mg dose for the long drive I have ahead of me. This gives me another mood boost and motivation for the drive. I find that I love listening to music when Adderall kicks in. It helps any boring task become greatly enjoyable. What was supposed to be a 2-hour drive, felt like 45 minutes. I was so focused on driving, and whistling to the songs, that I completely lost track of time. We spend the day in a hot springs tourist town. I am really enjoying living in the moment. Everything is calmly interesting, and I find that I take more interest in what my wife comments on about everything. When she makes a joke, it hits me harder because I really can take in just how cute and silly she is. This is something I get used to over time, and normally donít notice. But on Addy, I find it is much easier to be in the present, rather than allow my anxiety to ruin a moment for me. Starting to experience a slight decrease in energy and motivation, I ask my wife to drive us home. I find that on the way home, I am inclined to do a lot of online reading, and I easily absorb information.
Reading in general becomes a far more interesting and enjoyable task. I take my time reading every sentence, rather than trying to quickly skim through it. It is easy for me to understand the context of things, and I remember what I read instead of having to reread something over again to remember what it was about. I find that my mood is slowly declining, and I am losing the motivation to do things.
When we got home my wife reminds me itís Saturday, and that usually my homework is due on Sunday night. She knows I usually wait till last minute, and this normally causes me to become super stressed and irritable that day. She suggests perhaps I knock out some of my homework tonight, so I donít have such a large amount to do tomorrow. I agree this is a good idea, even though at this point I have lost all motivation to do anything except lounge. I decide what I need is another pick me up dose to finish the night off. At about 6:30 PM I take another 20 mg.
At this point I really felt I was pushing my limits. After all, Iíve read stories of people tripping on just 40 mg of Adderall XR. Now considering my prescription isnít XR, I figured I would be okay. After taking the 20mg I feel a motivational boost once more, and before I get a chance to get started on my homework my wife asks if I want to go see my newborn niece. Of course, Iím not going to miss an opportunity to see my niece for the second time (first time was in the hospital, I never got a chance to hold her). We have arrived, and there are more people there than expected. In fact, the apartment is fairly crowded. I barely know my sister-in-law, or her boyfriend, although they are both friendly. However, I generally dislike their mother, because of her past actions, and the general attitude she tends to have towards others. There are two other strangers there that I donít know. Now normally a social situation like this will make me slightly claustrophobic, and I will start to become noticeably uncomfortable. But I noticed that once the next dose kicked in, I became comfortable, and felt no reason to be anxious or irritated. I held my niece for the first time, and I was able to take in everything that was going on. Somehow, holding that precious little person made me extremely happy. It was one of the most precious moments of my life, and it was something that I am very glad wasnít spoiled by my anxious tendencies.
Once we returned home, I decided to take one more small dose (10 mg) just to give myself a little more drive to get some homework done. This ended up being a mistake. Although I crushed my homework, and finished more than I even needed to begin with, I started to feel odd. I hadnít eaten much that day (Addy gives me a decreased appetite), and I was also a little sleep deprived from the other night. I have had irregular sleeping patterns ever since I started using this prescription, and I am still trying to get used to the insomnia effects. My mistake was simply taking a dose that late at night. It is now 5:00 AM and I am finishing this report, because I cannot get my brain to shut off. Whenever I am on Adderall, I find that if I think of a task that needs done, I canít stop thinking about that task until I do it.
In summary, there are so many things I could say about this drug. As with anything, thereís always a good way to use it and then thereís a good way to abuse it. Adderall is a tool, and I can either choose to build things with that tool, or I can choose to hurt myself with it. This is a drug that would be very easy for me to become addicted to, but I decided after tonight, I am not going to use it unless I have a large work load, or am becoming overly stressed or anxious. In any other situation where Iím fine without it, I am going to skip on the doses, because this will allow me to keep control. Once I begin to take it consistently, that is when I begin to become dependent on it.
Aside from the addictive properties (which can be avoided if taken as prescribed), this is the only drug Iíve ever taken that makes me happy and productive at the same time. I think it easily surpasses cannabis, because unlike cannabis, I can focus and concentrate easily, and I donít develop paranoia or difficulty talking to people. Whenever I was stoned, all I wanted to do was isolate myself and be lazy. I would also load myself up with junk food, and doing homework was next to impossible. Cannabis also made it difficult for me to create conversation. With Adderall, making conversation becomes natural. I find it enjoyable to complete meaningful tasks, and itís very easy for me to function normally. I receive an equivalent happiness and overall satisfaction. I love this drug, and thatís what scares me.
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