Freed From the Trap. Only to Miss It.
Citation: benji. "Freed From the Trap. Only to Miss It.: An Experience with LSD (exp109996)". Erowid.org. Jul 29, 2020. erowid.org/exp/109996
||(blotter / tab)
29y/o Male, 195 lbs, minimal psychedelic use. Cannabis for 2+ years, never really going anywhere with it. Just used it to make food taste better and music seem more deep.
Decided it was time to see something outside of my “control” - I needed to learn how to surrender completely to things I don’t understand. And that is exactly what I did. This is my best account of my first trip, a 12+ hour trip, on 150 mcg of LSD.
Obtained 4 x 150 mcg hits from L’s sister K. Placed the contents in between the pages of David Bohm’s “Wholeness and Implicate Order” which is a book written by the protege of Albert Einstein. Bohm essentially came up with the Holographic Principle and Quantum Mechanics. Each are fantastic way of describing the currently indescribable connection between this strange dream-like world and the implicate order. His work has been something I gobbled up quickly over the years. He was utterly fascinating in every way. A true seeker of knowledge, something I always strive to be but never had much gusto to do so. Suffice to say, the themes of the book played out heavily in my trip. Pretty sure I magically imprinted extra power on the LSD. But it could have been only because it was my first time!
Spent a couple weeks waiting for the “right moment,” reading a lot of experiences, watching youtube videos, trying mindfulness meditation and regular meditation on a day to day basis. I prayed to whatever gods held me down in this temporal infinity and pleaded that they make my first trip a good one, and a safe one. I had little doubt in my mind, as I had fully accepted the possibility of a nightmarish trip and had fully placed my well-being into my girlfriend’s more-than-capable hands.
6:10 pm: Ate 1 blotter hit with a nice big swig of water
6:20 pm: Starting to feel tingles a little bit. Mostly in my toes and upper cranial area.
6:25 pm: Slight distortions in perceived time, slight vision shift to a more “out of focus” setting. Starting to “step back” from myself.
6:34 pm: Slight nausea starts to crop up, highly manageable with breathing and water
6:36 pm: My exact quote “everything is opening up”
6:39 pm: EVERYTHING is SO COLORFUL!
6:45 pm: I decide to get up and move around. I had remembered reading somewhere to go with the flow of things, so I decided to listen entirely to my body and let go of my thoughts. Whatever my body wanted, it got.
6:50 pm: Really starting to “warm up.”
7:04 pm: It hits so hard, I cannot contain myself. I begin to weep. Sobbing uncontrollably, spit and dribble emanating from a place not of my own being, but of a scared and helpless something, lost in the vast infinite expanse of love. My girlfriend hugs me and says, “Are you happy?” and it took me a minute or two to respond, and all I could do was blubber: “yyyy… yyy… yes. It's all so beautiful. It’s all so perfect. I’m so happy. THIS is the POINT!” What is the point? She asked. And the only thing I could respond with was “THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF IT!”
7:05 pm: We color using these fine tipped markers with very surreal landscapes. Colors are so intense. Each color is, in and of itself, all colors. But it expresses the one it feels the most. Artwork around our house begins to take on a new light, a way in which I’ve always been able to see things, but never let myself entirely. This is how I’ve interpreted it. It definitely felt like an intoxication, like being drunk, but far more humbling. Like… I would never get into a fight with someone on LSD. I’d be too worried about the effect on our eternal spirits.
The last record, 7:29pm: L wrote this out for me as I said it: “I feel like I belong. I’m exactly where I need to be. Purpose doesn’t matter. I’m having fun. We are each an individual center. Putting the way I feel into words almost ruins the experience.”
At this point my trip was no longer “my” trip. I gave in entirely to the chemical. We started watching Finding Dori on Netflix. This might have been what really did me in, or perhaps it was the two bowls of cannabis I smoked earlier in the day. Who knows. But I was ONE with the movie. I was enraptured by every word. Every subtle gesture of facial muscle. Every slight twinge in their voice. All of the colors and movement on the screen. It was a bit overwhelming. But I was enraptured.
I myself felt like Dori, a fish with memory loss, struggling to find a purpose or meaning in their life, whom is always told “Just keep swimming!” and “Don’t get caught in the undertow.” I remember identifying with the beluga whale who had powers of “echolocation” and remember thinking to myself “hey, I do that already using my thoughts.” This really freaked me out, as I didn’t know I had these capabilities.
But then as soon as I had started to go down a dark road, that hilarious fucking turtle with a surfer dude voice shows up and I laugh maniacally… “THAT’S ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell. My SPIRIT ANIMAL! The turtle. Slow moving, great swimmer, chill as all get out, never lets a single thing get in his way.
When I was on LSD, words do not arrive like they normally do. Entire packets of thought arrive, fully fleshed out, crystal clear and glaringly obvious. And they almost contain laughter attached at the end of it. A laugher that says, “How could you have forgotten your true nature? Hahahahaahahahahhaahahahaaaaa……..”
'You are the ONE. You are the ALL. Without YOU, there would be no ALL. Without the ALL, there would be NO YOU!' I was simultaneously the reason the universe existed at all, in this form, and the reason I existed was so that the universe could see itself just the way it wanted to see itself. Wherever anyone ever “is,” they “is” because they need to be - everyone has a very specific and intentional place in the universe. And the qualities of one's character are also chosen very specifically. This is how I interpreted it, anyways.
I saw my girlfriend of 5.5 years as my Universal Goddess. She watched over my eternal soul in this everlasting dreamworld. She took amazing care of me and always made sure I was happy. For that, I was ready to give up everything I had just gleaned from the universe, just to remain in this place. Wait… what is this place?
On the outside, I saw a reality which had acquired a plastic, almost “bubble” like quality to it. It felt as though everything was blown up like a balloon, was slightly wet with condensation on the outside from the expansion and could be popped with the slightest poke. But it was also so incredibly solid that you wouldn’t want to disturb anything. Why harm that water bottle of yours? What did it ever do to you, other than provide hydration? Water was like drinking the nectar of gods, and I could not bring myself to eat or try anything else. I tried eating a couple strawberries but was convinced that I didn’t deserve something so divine.
All of my senses were overpowered, and they were starting to combine into one “sense.” My roommate had been upstairs cooking something and I said “Are those noodles?” and he was like “I haven’t even taken them out of the package yet.” And at that point I tried to stop smelling everything around me. So incredibly overwhelming.
Focused breathing was my godsend here. This was something I have been training myself mentally for several months, physically for about 2 weeks. Deep, intentioned, breaths. In with fresh air, out with all of the bad vibes. Though there really weren’t any bad vibes.
Upon closing my eyes, I was having mild to moderate visuals. These visuals ranged from the fanning out of birds-feathers to a steady breathing of geometric shapes. At points during the trip I felt as though my whole being, or my whole essence was itself a fractalization of intense light that continued to breathe in and out. I was more of a “process” rather than an individual “thing.” Always forever changing, but always remaining mostly the same. I am a very thought oriented person, so I was hung up on the millions of thoughts and concepts currently filtering through the conscious stream that I appeared to be connected into.
The movie ended and I was still high as balls. At this point in time I remember thinking… or receiving direct communication from my infinite self?...
You wanted IT.
YOU GOT IT!
At this point, it all hit me very, very, very hard. This must have been the peak of the trip because as I lay there, “I” was essentially gone. It is incredibly difficult to describe. I felt like I was at the center of eternity - I had lost my way and now could not find my way back to myself. This was the sole mission of the rest of my trip. How do I get back to myself?
I felt like I was at the center of eternity - I had lost my way and now could not find my way back to myself. This was the sole mission of the rest of my trip. How do I get back to myself?
Oh and the laughter. It seems as though my spiritual self was trying to relax the me at the end of the tunnel. Universal truths would fly by and make me laugh hysterically. Like a maniac, really.
I have experienced what people describe as enlightenment, satori, or kensho. It was the most simple and pure truth I could ever attain. But it wasn’t anything I had attained. It was something that was always there, hidden in plain sight, something my ego chose to ignore. And there it was. My life and the lives of those around me were just a simple game. The game of life and love. And we all needed our egos to live it out. A mask that god/the universe/the mind puts on, so that it can live a cause-and-effect life.
You are god. You are the divine being of infinite love. You always have been. But you decide to trap yourself in one of your infinite fractal characters, or shards, because you love it. It’s the most fun you can have when you get bored of the universal truth.
Remember to breathe.
Standing at the edge of infinity is quite a mind fuck - I felt all powerful, I felt like everything. I felt like Jesus Christ and the Devil, but some version of those two mashed together, because they balance each other out extremely well. These are just metaphors, as I’m not a religious person. But after this experience, I retroactively recategorized myself before the trip as an “Atheist.”
Now I am FIRMLY a believer in something. That something is essentially me, and everyone else in the universe. That something is infinite, all-powerful, all knowing, all loving and infinitely compassionate. It loves itself more than anything in the universe. But its SELF is ALL that it is. But at the same time, that something is very, very sad, because what does one do with all of this power if it’s alone and has nobody to love or be loved by?
I missed my family. I missed my girlfriend. I missed my dog and my cats. I began to realize that I take people for granted. I take my everyday life for granted. I take every moment that I’ve ever been blessed with, for granted.
As I take the time to integrate this experience, I find myself spending more time listening to people. Appreciating what they have to say. Trying to tickle them with laughter and get them to have a good time.
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