Citation: Dr. Antithesis. "My Love My Enemy My Vice: An Experience with Zolpidem (exp109873)". Erowid.org. Jan 23, 2017. erowid.org/exp/109873
It started with weed. I smoked weed before I drank. I became addicted almost immediately. Not to weed, (although, I do think weed is addictive, but thatís a different story) but to getting high in general. After that, everything went to shit. Iíve done almost every drug out there: cocaine, LSD, amphetamine, etc. I had a 6-month addiction to various opiates. Even at my lowest substance induced moments, my life never completely fell off the tracks. I got straight Aís every year of high school. I was accepted at one of the nationís most prestigious colleges. I was the captain of the cross-country team and lacrosse team at my school.
Itís a blessing and a curse to be a high-functioning drug addict. I could go to school fucked out of my mind and no one would suspect shit. My parents were naÔve most of the time. I was the antithesis of your average drug user. However, my appearance allowed my addiction to fester out of control. It wasnít my addiction to various opiates or my experiments with cocaine and amphetamines that derailed my life; it was Zolpidem. I became, and still am, more physiologically addicted to this drug than any other one Iíve ever tried in my life. Additionally, no other drug has gotten close to (with the exception to alcohol) fucking up my life and relationships more than Zolpidem.
My Dad has a prescription for Ambien that he rarely uses. Thatís where I get my drugs. He and my Mom know I steal them from time to time. They hide them from me. I canít be stopped though. I turn into a completely different person when the idea of getting high off Ambien dances in my head. I love my parents and value their trust. When thereís Ambien thoughÖ I donít give a fuck anymore. I wish I did though. I wish I did. It makes me hate myself.
I usually snort them. 10 mg is my average dose. 20 mg insufflated without a tolerance makes me black out. If I have enough of those peach pills, I like to insufflate 15mg. Drinking on these pills is idiotic. Naturally then, that means Iíve done it. The first time I did it I blacked out immediately. In my stupor, I must of taken 30mg and 4 shots of vodka. My mom found me banging around in the kitchen. The next day, She told me I had turned green and had been foaming at the mouth. She thought I was going to die. She stayed up with me all night checking my vital signs to see if I needed to go to the hospital. I didnít. You would think I wouldíve learned from that. I didnít. Iíve drank on Ambien on several occasions since then
Even without the combination with alcohol, these pills have destroyed me. I blacked out after taking them once and jumped out of a car. I cracked my head open and ruined my friendís nights (I was the only one who took the pills). I took them at my Grandmaís house and kept dropping shit and acting crazy. My mom was mortified.
I hate these pills as much as I love them, and man, do I fucking hate them. The first few times I took them I got CEVs: visuals of me on top of mount Everest and stuff of that nature. It makes masturbation a strange experience. I had my dick sucked once while high on this stuff. It was weird. Everything Iíve done on Ambien is weird. Everything feels foreign and unfamiliar. Things feel like childhood. I donít really think thereís a difference between the last two anywayÖthe foreign and unfamiliarÖ childhoodÖ they feel the same. I railed those pills as an escape to the past. I wanted nostalgia to make my nose sting, I wanted to taste the bitter drip of the past as it rolled down my throat, and I wanted to jack off. God, Iím fucked up. The only other drug that makes me a weird sex god/demon like this is weed. Itís more of a sex demon. I know.
Iíve told my parents about my problems with Ambien. Iíve asked them to hide the bottle. I still find it every time. Iíll look for days to find those peach pills with paradise inside. They bought a lock box to put them in. I picked the lock. I see a therapist about drugs now. A rich white kid thatís addicted to pharms, thereís no other group that receives less sympathy from the otherwise sympathetic fringes of society.
Iím writing this so I can look at my situation from another angle. Iíll be on my own soon. There wonít be free Ambien up for grabs at college next year (at least I hope so). I want to stop taking this stuff. Itís done more harm to my relationships with my parents more than anything else. I have parents that still support me and Iíve stayed out of legal trouble. With these things, I feel I still have time to turn my life around.
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