Citation: Ivan_W. "The Illusion of Separation: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp109843)". Erowid.org. Oct 14, 2017. erowid.org/exp/109843
I had first heard of psychedelics back when i was around 14, hearing mostly of LSD, mushrooms, and peyote. The idea of exploring your own mind or other dimensions, and simply exploring things that are usually out of grasp was very interesting to me. But upon reading more I decided I would rather experience this when I was older, in order to give my brain the time to develop more fully. During the following 4 years until I was 18, I found of other psychedelics, most interesting of them was DMT, and whether it was vaporized in crystal form or taken in ayahuasca I knew I wanted to try it. I quickly decided on ayahuasca because it sounded much more gentle then the incredible 15 minutes of the crystal form.
I eventually moved from California to the state of Sonora in northern Mexico, where I met my girlfriend, and her parents, who I discovered after a few months, to know shamans and be into psychedelics. Her father one day offered ayahuasca to me since he heard of my interests, to save me a trip to Peru and a safe and comfortable space to try it. So, I agreed and he gave me 2 months to prepare. By this time, I had been practicing meditation and when the day finally came I was nervous, and followed his advice to fast for that day.
I arrived to my girlfriend’s house and went out to the garden where we set a blanket on the grass. Her mother approached us and gave us necklaces with small bags at the bottom, in them were some sort of fragrant plant that gave off a very light pleasant smell. She told us we would know when to use them. Her father waited at the garden and her and I headed to opposite sides of the garden where we meditated to calm our nerves. The amount of excitement and nervousness I could only compare to the feeling you get before a fighting match or a high dive into water. Her father came to me after a few minutes with a tiny glass, and he told me “Drink this, wait 20 minutes and if you feel nothing I will give you more.” I thanked him and gulped the small amount down. I went back to breathing and my meditation, trying to clear my mind and any anticipation for the trip. After a while her mother came to me and said “You feel nothing huh?” I nodded and she handed me another small glass, which I gulped down. This happened again, when after 20 minutes she returned, I felt nothing and she again gave me more. By this time, I lay on the grass breathing and waiting for my trip to hit, searching for any sign that the trip had begun.
After what felt like another 20 minutes I raised my head to ask for more, but I saw my girlfriend walking around and her mother following her around the garden so I lay back down and I remember thinking “I can wait, this stuff isn’t going to hit me.” And as soon as I thought that the stars in the sky began to dance, moving in strange spirals, which split into more spirals. I felt as if I had suddenly been propelled at an incredible speed, yet lay still on the grass. I looked around and the walls of the garden seemed to shrink and the sky encompassed me all around. This seemed like too much, and I sat up to attempt to walk around and calm down, but as I did my legs seemed to stretch and reach farther than the horizon, so I gave up and lay back down. The sky was beautiful and the dance of the stars was gorgeous, but it was too much, I could not bare it. So I turned and lay on the dirt.
The grass felt so amazing and comforting as it brushed my skin. I couldn’t help but roll and drag across the grass, each brush with it was euphoric and comforting. I could look to the sides and see the bushes and trees breathing and emitting love to me. I looked to where my girlfriends father stood, but next to him was another him, slightly smaller and at an angle, and next to that copy was a smaller one, and so on, on an infinite spiral which I seemed too fall into.
I closed my eyes and this is when my trip changed, I was not in the darkness of my eyelids, but in a crazy presentation of what seemed like Aztec or Mayan art, with thick bright lines with sharp turns. These lines drew trees, animals, mushrooms, and people to me. But quickly disappeared and another feeling arrived, the feeling of my body melting, or dissolving into the earth, and with this feeling came intense fear that I was dying. I was dying because the earth was swallowing me, yet the plants seemed to calm and sooth me, but I attempted to resist my dissolving. This was to no avail as the more I resisted the harder I seemed to dissolve. This quickly turned into one of the most frightening and frustrating experiences of my life. That is until I gave in and decided I would die, there was no turning back.
This brought on the next stage of my trip, I no longer felt like person separate to the others, or to the plants. I was no longer, I had joined what felt like made me one with everything else, there was no difference from me and the plants around me, or anyone or anything on the planet. We were all one single thing and didn’t know it because of the illusion of separation. This was also coupled with flashbacks to my infancy and childhood, mostly to traumatic events. After each one I took a breath, and each breath filled me with so much euphoria I couldn’t help but laugh and smile. I knew I had tears on my face as I laughed. It was strange to feel so one with everything yet feel my body but during the experience it made so much sense.
This went on for what felt like forever, even resulting in me believing my whole life and existence had been an illusion, only an imagination made by me. I had always existed in this strange existence of spirals and lights, and never had anything else, I had only imagined my entire life until the moment I took the drink, that is when I woke up back to my reality.
In this I felt a warm euphoric touch that filled me with warmth and love, I hugged this creature. I kissed it where I could. I told it how much I loved it and loved everything. This resulted to be my girlfriend. I only remember flashes of seeing her in my arms, seeing her father standing over me as I thanked him, her mother sitting in a chair surrounded by light. Voices yelling my name and calling out to me, strange metallic scratches, crunches, and what sounded like a crackling fire. It is hard to remember the order of these occurrences.
Darkness suddenly surrounded me, into which I decided to venture farther into until I found a wall and a light switch. I was no longer in the trip, although in the moment I was unsure of, it was overwhelming and I felt strange, happy, and strange. I had trouble remembering what had happened, and in my memory it all seemed to have happened at once. I laid back down and went to sleep. In the morning, I had insatiable thirst, and at the first sign of a human I nearly burst into tears of joy. I didn’t know why the feeling of joy of seeing another person was so overwhelming.
We ate breakfast and I headed home, at the sight of my brother and mother I burst into tears and told them how much I loved them. I couldn’t help but cry as I saw them, it was as if years of pent up emotion and feelings had come out at once. I cried for about two hours while talking to them, but never once did I feel sad, simply very happy to see them, so happy I couldn’t help but cry.
It has been a year since then, and I believe the changes in personality remain, not all instant but many through the insight I received in the trip. I have been told to be and feel a lot more loving and empathetic, much more calm, and thoughtful. I noticed other changes, such as changes in taste and a feeling of connection to plant life which I previously only felt towards animals. Plants now seem to radiate some sort of calm and peace to me, touching them reminds me of how they soothed me in my trip. It was a truly life changing experience I would like to try again, if not with ayahuasca, then some other substance, see what other safe psychedelics have to offer. This experience seems to have opened a door to love and happiness I had previously not seen. And I believe an experience like this taken with the attitude of wanting to learn would benefit many, and make this world a more loving place.
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