Citation: bluette. "Journey Into My Bed: An Experience with LSD (exp109747)". Erowid.org. May 13, 2020. erowid.org/exp/109747
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Throughout much of my life, psychoactive substances have been of profound interest to me. Brainwashed, as so many others, by anti-drug campaigns and the whisperings of parents and teachers, my early fascination was mixed with terror, leaning in with interest to learn of how marijuana “attacks” the cannabinoid receptors of the body, with little regard to the actual constructive effects of such substances.
I remember the gradual shift in my perception of the matter, following the measure of independence found by a boy entering junior high. As school divided itself into periods, and girls lost the cooties with which they had been imbued for so many years, cannabis was stripped of its fangs, leaving only a burning interest stoked by the whispered conversations of high school-bound eighth graders, protected in the unmonitored security of bathrooms and remote lunch tables. Soon, my own use of the drug became somewhat of an inevitability, although I didn’t puff on a joint for the first time until the beginning of my high school years, a relatively long wait, considering.
My cannabis use both continued and increased as the years progressed, and the sense of annoyance once provided by school was replaced by abject terror and stress lasting nine months of the year. As the effects of weed became commonplace, providing the usual emotional relaxation, but lacking the otherworldly excitement the highs once provided, my attention turned to other drugs, specifically of a hallucinogenic nature. It felt wrong (and perhaps even dangerous), however, to approach such a substance out of pure boredom, so I abstained the entirety of my junior year, in wait of a mental state in which I could hope to garner the realizations so many others had before me. Finally, midway through the first semester of my senior year, I decided the time was right to experiment, and I now write this report almost a month after the experience, in hopes to convey its immensity and otherworldly strangeness. Before this, my only drug experience was that of a relatively frequent smoker of marijuana, having never been drunk, or high on anything else, making this account truly one of a rookie to the psychoactive realm.
Upon making my decision to try the drug, I purchased three tabs of LSD from a friend, who happens to possess a somewhat disturbing knowledge regarding illegal activities around the area. My purchase came with a confirmation of the product's purity, one that I trusted well from this particular individual, and a recommendation to ingest a single tab for a beginning trip, saving the other two for a later, assumably more intense, journey (he also told me that he believed the tabs to be 100 ug each, though I have no way of confirming such a statement). My initial intention was always to follow this dosage advice, though such a plan became somewhat difficult to carry out due to circumstances I’ll describe later.
Before ingesting the tabs hiding in my wallet, I decided to make a clear goal regarding what I wished to gain from the trip. My greatest fear was to become part of the group of high school druggies I knew far too well, who graduated to acid after weed became boring, paving a road to the disturbing destinations of cocaine, addiction, and rehab. I decided to focus my mind to the nature of reality, avoiding the social interactions and complexities which I deemed generally meaningless even sober, yet still produced an irrational amount of stress in my day-to-day life. I also hoped the drug would promote pieces of writing, as this is one of the only forms of art in which I participate, and through which could hope to translate the inner workings of my mind to a medium with which others could engage. These hopes in mind, I chose an otherwise unimportant Saturday night, planning to wait till my parents fell asleep down the hallway, then explore the far reaches of reality in place of my own slumber.
In preparation, and to calm some last-minute nerves, I smoked a bowl of weed a short time before ingestion. During the entirety of the trip, I somehow managed to continue writing nearly continuously, waking up to nearly six pages of rollicking, somewhat non-sensical dialogue, most of which is not worth repeating here. What follows is, as closely as I can remember them, a breakdown of the events which took place that night, and a (woefully inadequate) description of LSD’s incredible effects.
(T+0:00) I ingest my first tab of LSD at 10:40 pm, holding it under my tongue perhaps five minutes before swallowing. I begin to watch “Cosmos” in hopes to set somewhat of a theme for the trip, and await the come up.
(T+00:25) Assuming some effects would be felt within twenty minutes, I began to feel disappointed, and in hopes to “jump start” the trip, ingest an additional half-tab (50 ug?), hoping I won’t regret this decision in a few hours.
(T+1:15) At this point, my come up had most definitely begun, but I realize this only in retrospect.
(T+1:15) At this point, my come up had most definitely begun, but I realize this only in retrospect.
This period of the trip was characterized by an increasing dissociation, and separation of mind and body. The feeling was similar to withdrawing into my own head, but never realizing it. My body became its own entity, and would remain so for the entire experience, as if I had a companion on my journeys…though that companion was simply my own being. Most notably at this point, however, I again took the small square of LSD by my bed in my hand, in order to admire the beauty of the tinfoil surrounding it. I don’t remember this beauty being based in visuals from the drug, but rather an altered perception of standard reality. I suddenly felt a strong (and somewhat unnatural) urge to take the extra half-tab, awkwardly attached to its partner square via a small perforation, and did so almost in a fervor just before midnight, shakily ripping the package open. This brought my final consumption to two tabs of acid, or 200 ug, if my supplier is to be believed. Putting on my “stoner” playlist (mostly strange, atmospheric metal and rock, A lot Like Birds is featured dominantly), I closed my eyes and began the journey in earnest.
(T+1:50) Here the peak truly began, and was initially characterized by complete inability to stop smiling, as waves of euphoria washed over me. I thought of the feeling throughout my being as chemical at first, but the adjective doesn’t seem entirely appropriate, in retrospect…the closest I can come is to imagine an LED light, the long kind, which flickers as one turns it one, and makes that high humming noise, hanging dormant in my conscious, and LSD being the force which flips its switch to an “on” position. Descriptors of the overall feeling (gathered from my notes) constantly include words such as chemical, industrial, neon, and bright. The peak, however, blindsided me. It felt as if my mind and thoughts were thrown forth into my surroundings by a particular guitar solo playing from my earbuds, and every thing began to feel incredibly fast, almost frantic. A sense of beauty, however, was pervasive above all else. It was less the beauty of my relatively dull surroundings, but felt like a strand which ran through the world, serving as a connector of those things possessing such beauty, both physically and conceptually. I came back to this thread (which I could not see, only sense) throughout the trip when feeling uncomfortable, and it served as a constant source of reassurance and happiness. My brain began to function on two different levels, seemingly creating thoughts it was unable to interpret, almost a pure, unfiltered dialogue running through my mind upon some rollicking ticker tape. This, I now realize, was another manifestation of my “separate” personas, and their simultaneous existence, one which seemed to experience the full mental effects of the drug, the other which clung to a shred of…sanity, in lack of a better word, and desperately attempted to interpret the information being thrown at it by its brother.
Interestingly, it felt as if visuals took place upon this plane of traditional reason, and this led to another unique (if, at times, annoying) aspect of the experience, in that I constantly felt torn between the two entities and realities. A part of me wished to stop thinking, at least to the greatest extent this was possible, and enjoy the patterns appearing before my eyes from a less confusing perspective. Another part of me, that which desired a more spiritual and significant experience fought to dive into the confusing medley of my drugged self, and uncover what secrets lay there. Eventually, I believe I found a balance between the two realities (if that’s what they were), and spent what I feel to be an appropriate time in each.
(T+2:20) I became shocked into writing another journal entry after a period of inactivity, and adjustment to this state of mind by the sudden aggressiveness of a System of a Down song appearing on shuffle, perhaps not the best choice of auditory stimuli. At this point OEVs had set in intensely, although I for some reason cannot recall experiencing any CEVs, though not for lack of trying. I saw fluorescent patterns, frequently Mayan or Aztecan in form, dance in the darkness before me. With a barely stifled laugh, I realized they appeared nearly identical to the backgrounds of “Realidades” grammar videos, shown frequently in my high school Spanish class. Text also began to move as I read it, with words seeming to fly about the page when focused upon, and lines of writing spreading apart in acute angles to devour their brethren below. Though this made journaling on my phone difficult, I somehow continued to do so. I also began to sense a faint animal presence on the headboard of my bed, above my right shoulder, and eventually decided it somehow felt like some kind of large lizard, a chameleon, I concluded. This lizard became somewhat of a companion upon my trip, although he (or she?) was undoubtedly as mischievous as comforting.
At this point I decided (or at least think I decided) that I needed to pee, and made the walk down the hallway to do so. This action is mostly difficult because of the proximity I must come to my parents room, but I managed to execute it relatively painlessly, though my depth perception had notable difficulty ascertaining distances (the toilet bowl especially alternated from appearing twenty feet away to inches from my face while I looked down upon it). I also took this opportunity to glance at my reflection, expecting visual distortions, but was only greeted by an entire lack of connection to the face which gazed back. A somewhat weird feeling, though surprisingly not entirely unwelcome. It felt good to feel as if I had escaped my skin, as it were, for a short period of time. Returning to my bed, I tried watching Cosmos again, and other movies on Netflix, but never really felt as if any were entirely appropriate, or interesting, although the visual distortions upon them were fascinating. My thought process began to truly tackle the nature of reality, a hefty subject, but I eventually came to the conclusion that it can only be defined in layers, similar to the layers of movement I experienced upon my visual field. As I understand my thoughts now, I believe that I determined each of these infinite layers to be the product of a human falsification, and each reality a plane in which this lie is truth, each layer stemming from a specific falsehood. Each of us exist within our own mix of these layers, depending on what falsifications we take to be true, and as such, our views of the world and universe inherently differ, and are each unique. I decided a state of enlightenment, spiritual or otherwise, could only be achieved by peeling back these layers of deceit, in search for the “truth” of the universe. This realization was one of the greatest I came to from the experience, and it is one I continue to implement in my life, understanding that lies I tell alter the objective realities of my friends and family.
(T+4:00) I began the slow process of descending from the peak I had reached at this point, and began imagining it as my differing entities drawing closer together, and at the point they meet my thought process would be entirely normalized. Visuals definitely remained present at this point, but ceased to intensify or alter, and as such became less interesting than my thoughts, though I distinctly remember a fascinating moment of watching the wall of my room bubble into water droplets, and shift abruptly in my field of view. Eventually, I decided to pee a second time, both out of necessity and a desire for a change in scenery. Upon returning to my room, I caught my first and only glimpse of my lizard companion, as a dark shape scurrying back to its proper place on the bed. I somehow knew a trick had taken place, but lay down in spite of such misgivings…
…and fell through the headboard. Literally, I felt as if the lizard had replaced the wood behind my head with a portal into the universe, and I fell backward through stars, and bursts of swirling color, before finally falling back into my own body only seconds after leaving, aligning my two entities in shocking finality. This did not represent an entire return to reality, as I had predicted, but was truly the last of any kind of peak, and the rest of the trip was spent in a mentally exhausted stupor, unable to rest, and having been awake for far too long. Anything interesting to write about ended at this point, and the remainder of my time tripping was spent watching visuals fade, and trying to ascertain the significance of what I had written and experienced. After viewing the sunrise (a truly beautiful site) I was able to fall into a kind of open-eyed sleep for perhaps an hour, regaining some energy.
By T+6:00 I felt as if I would be able to carry on a logical conversation with a sober person, and probably not have them guess my mental state. By T+8:00, any interesting visuals had disappeared, though colors remained brighter and more contrasted than normal. Right before I decided to get up and take a shower, however, a close friend texted me saying he wanted to have his first acid experience (and first experience with any psychedelic drug, for that matter) that day, and we drove to a nearby nature preserve to do so. He dosed on my final tab of acid around 10:45 am, almost exactly twelve hours after I had done so, right when the last of my own effects were wearing off. This gave a distinct and pleasant feeling of “passing off” my trip to him, and the remainder of the day was spent hiking in beautiful fall weather, walking through art museums, and delving into countless deep and fascinating conversations. It was an experience I wouldn’t trade for the world, though next time I hope to have it in an area of more natural beauty, and with the ability to be physically active, as I feel both factors would influence an even more incredible trip. Finally, I’ll end this lengthy report with a piece I was able to type out while peaking strongly, and which I feel summarizes the feeling as a whole quite well:
“Have you ever looked at a sunrise? I mean, really looked at it, waited it out, ascertained the sense of scale it brought you? We always imagine ourselves in those rays, warming us, guiding us, imbuing our pontification…but what if you were the light? What if you were the rays, simultaneously as you were whoever they showed upon? What would matter? The strangest things, I think, would. What color would the sun be, as it soaked the tops of steeples, buildings, plains, forests? Would it progress from yellow, to purple, to blue, or back again? And perhaps more importantly, who would it be that basks in the rays, and what meaning would be ascertained from them? Can they understand? Will they ever be able to?”
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