Citation: Garywills7. "Ride That Tram to the Abyss and Black: An Experience with Tramadol, Methadone, Heroin, Clonazepam & Naloxone (exp109515)". Erowid.org. Jul 22, 2018. erowid.org/exp/109515
This isn't your normal trip experience I would say, but I believe it's a much needed piece of information in regard to low grade opiates and our livelihood and the destructive road evem the most intelligent and strong willed can get lost on. Around 15 I took my first snoose, dip, chew. Before that I was mommy's boy, straight edge, afraid of the world. I broke out of my shell and the next weekend I got drunk. I was in love with being fucked up from the first time. All the depression, loneliness, anxiety, despair was quieted down and I felt happy. The next weekend my friend offered me a joint. There was a long battle in my head but I said fuck it and tried it. It turned out to be a prank, ereganno on the newbies. But after I had made up my mind, I had to try it, this innocent tiny white boy had to break bad.
Skip ahead 2 years, 17. I was smoking pot everyday, me and my close circle of friends had adopted the party scene as some kind of identity. We were good at sports, excellent students and could get away with anything, we all looked innocent. We were starting to experiment with other drugs, ecstacy, shrouds, oxycontin here and there but still young. Right before I turned to 18 I took my first hit off some oxy. I knew it was love at first site. So I became an adult. Continued chewing, smoking weed and hash everyday and drinking regularly. I hurt my ankle and my buddy starting giving me low grade pain killers, just a couple, known as tramadol.
For a year I would get them from him every now and then, usually passing him five bucks for a nights worth, sometimes he'd get some vicodin. We all started college and the drugs went to another level, psychedelics, cough syrup, Molly, painkillers galore, we wanted to try it all. And the ever more I became connected with the market, the more painkillers I was trying and loving. By 19 I started working this industrial job. Night shift work terribly boring, I wanted to go to college. A family member was prescribed tramadol at the same time and I began stealing them for work nights, just a couple to pass the time.
Over time, I convinced this family member to ask the Dr for more and I took advantage of the friend's rapidly evolving alcohol problem to get more pills out of him. Suddenly I had 100s of tram and bottles of viocodin to get me through. This carried on until I finally moved out. I was taking these pills everyday and smoking spice to avoid uas at work.
One day an old fling hit me up, her boyfriend who I vaguely knew was pushing liquid methadone. I tried it and got sick as fuck, I loved it. For the next two years I drove an hour a week to pick up a bottle, along with the steady flow of purchased tram, viocodin, and stolen goods, not to mention the morphine and oxy dealers. By the time I was 23 my life was stuck in a stalemate, but still I maintained control. After a falling out with the methadone dealer he offered me heroin, maybe out of spite, who knows. I tried it, terribly and loved it. But kept it a secret for so long.
I found a new methadone dealer and carried on, until I met black again. I couldn't shake it this time and before I knew it, it had consumed my life. I met a new woman and kept this all secret, a strict daily habit of 400 mg tram, half bottle of methadone and heroin constantly through the whole day.
I still maintained this industrial job through this but the signs were everywhere and the strain it put on everyone in my life was noticeable. This I could not face, so I kept getting high. I lied and lied, lied to cover stealing, begged and burrowed, robbed and cheated, just to keep going to work and keep up appearances. Eventually my gf caught on. It's only a matter of time. By the time I was 23 I had a prescription to klonopin too. I was in love with this cocktail of tramadol to start me up, methadone to carry on the whole nights, heroin to give it peaks every hour or so, klonopin to amplify the whole thing and booze if I could afford it to make me forget I was alive. I was miserable, suicidal and desperate for an answer.
After the ex left I finally tried injecting, I hated it but did it, started doing meth, cocaine. Anything I could get my skinny fingers on. I wanted to die. I had bills piling up to the roof, power off, tweaker a living downstairs. No gf, couple friends left and a bunch of cats I couldn't take care of. And the only thing I could focus on, was heroin.
This regiment went on for a few months, I somehow stepped back and dropped the needle. I was hitting rock bottom. Somehow still had the same job but it was obvious to management that there was something very wrong with my life. Passing out, crashing shit, sleeping on break, stealing shit. Whatever it takes. I was evicted front my home right before I turned 24. I went three more months living at my families house. Started to get so bad I was blacking out for the first time on the weekends. Stealing drugs and money from my family, pawning everything I own. 1200 checks only lasting a week on the Hill habit. Then finally in March of 2016 I figured enough was enough. I tried to go to some methadone clinics cause I still wanted to get high.
I decided to just come clean to my mother and sisters, it was the only way I'd hold myself accountable. I did it and I was signed up for suboxone intake jn a couple weeks. I weaned down, stole and begged for that couple weeks and the time came to do the cold turkey segment. That was a true nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone. Finally started on suboxone and it went well for a day or two. I bought a piece and relapsed. Made it another 3 days, another little piece and that was that. I did five months on the suboxone, after four started to ween down, a rapid taper I suppose.
In August 2016 I finally got off opiates. That few months to get there was slowed by a flirtation with meth relapse and a brief nitrous scare. I got off the suboxone myself and did not take advantage of the therapy enough. I tried NA but I still want to get fucked up. I relapsed this month and you know what I did? Tramadol. I've come so far and been through so much. I never want to go back to that person I was. But that person is still in me, still wanting to get fucked up. I hope and I hope I can conquer it all one day, be the person I have only dreamed of.
I've come so far and been through so much. I never want to go back to that person I was. But that person is still in me, still wanting to get fucked up. I hope and I hope I can conquer it all one day, be the person I have only dreamed of.
It's fun to have fun, it really is and there's plenty of positives. I was the last person anyone would think would be jabbing a needle in their arm and it all started with a little fun and the unnatural love of one particular drug. Be smart and one love and take care.
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