Citation: lucidlife. "More Inside Myself Than on Earth: An Experience with Ayahuasca (exp109100)". Erowid.org. Sep 5, 2016. erowid.org/exp/109100
Ayahuasca in the Jungles of Peru
After the ceremony, we all walked back to the community. With no sleep, I got my journal and spent the whole day into the night writing my experience. I will do my best to make sense of it all, but it was written in no linear timeline. I wrote it just to dump everything out before I would forget it. Enjoy.
Walking to the ceremony I got a feeling in my stomach. I donít know if it was bad, but my stomach did say something to me. I acknowledged it and moved on. When we were walking it was very beautiful out. It was beginning to get dark. Walking through thick jungles of Peru, we came upon a big open field full of vivid colors in the sky. The grass was bright green, and the sky flourescent. The sun was setting and lit the sky with vivd shades, and colors.We all stopped to admire what was around us. About 10 of us were walking across the field, silent, and anxious. We came upon a dirt road and walked that for about 30 more minutes, until we reached a shack that was the shaman's house.
He looked a lot different then when we first met him. First time we met him he didnít look like what most may think what a shaman should look like. He wasnít wearing tribal clothing, or anything special like that. This shaman, had silver all over him. Rings, necklace, and even his 2 front teeth. Wore well fitted, bleached jeans, with rips on the knee caps, and a shirt with design work like affliction shirts. Now, though he had on all white linen.
We all lined up against the wall and sat down silent. He sat across from us on a bench. No one was saying anything at all. Kids were in their pajamas, running around playing, and his girlfriend Ė pregnant Ė was lying on the bed.
After some time sitting around, he got up and he guided us to the back where we will be doing the ceremony. I was a bit apprehensive. The place looked like an unfinished barn. There was a huge hole in the roof, and only one side had a wall, and that wall was made up of palm trees. The ground was covered in straw. There was log in the middle where he lit the candle, and a table in the back where the ayahuasca was. Something about it seemed so unrehearsed. I come to find out, itís his first time doing a ceremony here. In fact it was his first time doing one at all. He grew up around his family doing ceremonies, but never done one himself. If I even remember that correctly. I actually donít really remember. Things get left out, and misunderstood when someone usually translates for me. It happened all the time when traveling in SA. It becomes a pain in the ass, but eventually I got used to it.
We waited a while before he did anything. I sat around wondering what was going on. He offered everyone a cigarette. With these ceremonies they believe in the masculine energy of tobacco. They believe that tobacco has a calming energy. Then he took the plastic bottle the ayahuasca was in and took a big pull of his cigarette and started loudly whispering into the bottle blowing the smoke into it, his uncle (his spiritual guide) did the same thing. They did this for a few minutes passing it back and forth to each other. Then he went to each person with a small chalice, and gave it to us to drink. He told us that we should think of what we want to be healed, and ask yagť to heal us. I saw many people just drink it as soon as they got it. I wondered why they werenít listening to him. When he came to me, I took the cup, closed my eyes, and in my head I said,
When everyone drank it the 2 shamans drank it lastly. Then the candles were blown out. The younger one sang first, playing a simple rhythm with the chakapa he had in his hand. When he was done the uncle was next. They were speaking in a way Iíve never heard before. They were chanting. After 10 Ė 15 minutes they stopped. We were sitting there in silence. I wondered what was going on.The shaman puffed on his cigarette. After about 10 minutes of silence, I heard someone throw up. I started wondering when I was going to, but my stomach felt fine. It was pretty easy to take down, but then again I have a weirdly strong stomach. I can eat practically anything and be fine. My stomach was beginning to growl though. I asked Ricardo if he is feeling anything. He says, no. I ask, if maybe we should ask for another dose. He says, ďidk but Iím thinking the same thing.Ē
They started the chanting again, and this time it seemed a bit louder. They both were making a rhythm with the chakapas. I heard more people threw up. It was starting.
I heard more people threw up. It was starting.
The dude next to me who was sitting calmly then jerked forward, and threw up in a pan. I started to feel myself get warmer. I closed my eyes and I could see the faint colors and shapes rising up. It kept getting more vivid, and I could feel myself get heavier. I felt my stomach growling more and more. I ask Ramone, one of the workers at the community, to lead me to the toilet. By this time I had a hard time walking, and I felt very light headed, and spacey.
Ramone grabs my hand, and leads me down a path that leads to a hole in the ground with some boards on the side to stand on. I look at it, and didnít know what to do. Ramone waited near. Everything began to look really different. Like something out of a weird cartoon.
As Iím stumbling to figure out how to use whatever is in front of me I see Ramone there with his head looking down and the light on like heís thinking about something. He started to look different. I canít really describe it. Usually, when I have to go to the bathroom while on psychedelics, is when I have that oh shit moment (pun intended) and realize Iím beginning to hallucinate.
When I try to put my shorts back on I have a bit of trouble. I was delirious, and confused. It began to get difficult to do simple tasks as putting on my shorts, and fastening my belt. It was honestly like figuring out a puzzle.
I stumble back with his help. Everything is darker, and itís hard to see. When I sit back down after a short bit of time I ask to be brought back to the toilet. No one seems to hear me, so I try to stand up and with some confused effort, and say it again. The ayahuasca is starting to take effect now. I raise my voice, but I feel so out of it. The chanting seems so loud, and like there are a hundred voices all around me chanting the same thing. I look around, and everyone is just sitting down in their own world. I fall on the ground, and try to get back up. I stumble outside of the circle, and sit down looking up at the stars. They looked so beautiful and bright. Everything seemed so hectic until I started looking at the stars. The chanting still taking up so much space around me. It was a huge factor in my overall experience. I remember looking, and noticing their beauty, and taking in the noises and sounds that are all around me, and in that beautiful moment where my senses were so keen, and I was taking in everything around me, thatís when I shat myself. Looking right up at the wondrous stars.
I get up and feel my way back. Everything seemed dark and hazy. I stumble and fall on the face of someone. He yells AAAHOOOOOHAAA!!! I look down, and he is face up on the ground, spread out in a daze, like he was in outer space somewhere. I sit down, and start to notice Iím moving my body with the movement of the chants. Eyes closed, I see what looks like Alex Grey paintings moving upwards to a single point in my head. The chanting is getting louder and louder. I start to feel the energy of the plants. I can still think consciously. It was all beginning to be the ultimate lucid dream.
I look at the 2 shamans and they are swaying their bodies and moving their hands in the air. One of them picks up a bucket and throws up in it. Then keeps on chanting and dancing with his arms and hands. Iím swaying my body and moving and dancing with mine as well. I think I remember hearing a female voice saying something during this time. I see a bald blueish figure for a second. I donít know what to make of this. Itís like Iím in a new world or dimension inside myself, the inner depths of my subconscious mind. I know I was still on earth, but I was more inside myself than I was on earth
I was more inside myself than I was on earth
, just floating around in this new world.
I could feel many fingers touching me, and poking me. They were all over my body, and I wondered if it was everyone touching me. I even think I heard children laughing in the distance, and sometimes it felt like I was being burned by a cigarette. I touched myself, to see if there were people touching me but I didnít feel anything.
I remember sitting up, and all the voices became quiet, and in the distance I could hear faint raindrops on the water. I was in this space with different shades of color. Different shades of violet, purple, blue in contrast to the black background, it was all very calming, and the raindrops in the background made it more so. I wonder where I was in my mind. Where could this place be?
I began to chant with the shamans. Iím chanting loudly. Iím dancing with them melodically, rhythmically and dynamically. It felt like a dance. I remember thinking, where is this coming from, but it felt so natural, like Iíve been doing this for years. Swaying and moving my body I could see Iím in a tunnel, the walls are moving up. I can see the face of an indian in full native clothing appear in front of me from the walls of color, and shapes. He looked old, and wise. He was transparent, but right in front of me, and shoots upwards disappearing into the tunnel. I could feel the movements of the chants. The ins and outs, the harmonies, the ebb and flow of what they were saying. I can feel them connecting me to, and taking me to another place. Like they were helping me travel. I then fall on my back onto the ground.
When I was on the ground my chanting became louder Ė more powerful. I noticed that I was moving my hands like serpents moving towards the sky. My voice sounded big and encompassing like the 2 guys chanting. I was aware of that.
After doing this for who knows how long, I opened my eyes, and felt the spirit of the jungle. The energy felt very masculine, and looking back now, I wonder if that was because of the 2 shamans we had chanting. Maybe it would have been different with a female shaman. The energy felt elderly, and wise, calm, yet fierce. I remember being on the ground and hearing the jungle around me. Insects, frogs, birds. It became louder, and louder. Now everything began to get chaotic. Like a scene out of Fear and loathing in Las Vegas. Iím now just moving through this chaotic place, vision blurry, everything moving fast. The forest is alive with sound, the shamans voices surrounding me.
My voice sounded a bit out of phase, and with a bit delay to it. I heard my name, ďCharles, charles, charlesĒ fading into the distance. I took notice, and was surprised I heard my name, shit, I was surprised I knew my name! I heard it again, and this time I noticed I mumbled my name also. I heard it again, again and again each time bringing me out of wherever I was. I opened my eyes, and I could barely see Ricardo through the dark, and blurry vision. He looks down at me, sitting in a meditation position, hand on top of the other in front of him, and says, ďCharles, can you be a little more quieter please?Ē I stared at him and said, ďOh yea, sure, sorry.Ē
Then I became insecure, and nervous. I sat up, and rocked and moved with the chanting. I kept going through this tunnel seeing geometrical figures, and different colored beams rising up. I remember my legs cramping really bad, and I couldnít move my feet. I could feel the calf muscle get extremely tense. I grabbed my calfs, my legs overcome with pain. After a few minutes they finally relaxed. I began to feel like I was the center of attention. I think I heard others say my name, but I couldnít be sure. I couldnít say anything but Uuuuummm, Uhhhhhhhh. I was out of it Ė disoriented.
I remember the apprentice shaman come up to me, and blew smoke in my face. He put his hand on my head, and did it again. He went behind me, and blew more smoke- chanting. He looked different; he looked bigger. It was hard to see him through my dark, and blurry vision. I became more, and more, uneasy. I wasnít sure how to sit for worry of disturbing the others. I just sat hugging my legs. I changed to sitting on my knees, and then changed to sitting crossed legged. I couldnít find any comfort anywhere.
When I found a comfortable way to sit, I still felt uneasy, and it was growing. I remember I kept thinking people were saying something about me, and I felt that they were concerned, but about what I wondered. That feeling became very strong, very fast, and I kept hearing my name being called. Then the lights were turned on. I was wondering what was happening. Did I cause this? Was I such a nuisance and a disturbance that the shamans apprentice and the assistant decided to end it early? Was this all my fault?
I ask Ricardo what's happening. He said the ceremony is done. Again, I thought that everyone was annoyed because of me. I remember at one point Ramon touched me on the shoulder during the ceremony, and asked me if I was fine in his broken English. I couldnít say anything to him, but UHmm, Uhmmm.
When the lights were on, everyone just stood up and grabbed their things ready to go, while I was still sitting on the ground wondering what was happening. Ricardo asked me if Iím ok. I couldnít say anything. I was so confused, and disoriented. I looked at him, and went Uuummm, Ummm, Ummm.
I remember feeling so uncomfortable. I just wanted to get out of there, but I was frozen. I didnít know what to do at all. Ricardo looks at me says, Charles, we are leaving do you want to come with us? I looked at him, then looked down, and said, idk. He says, ďwell Charles we are going to go, you can stay here if you want to. Do you want to?Ē I didnít know what to say. My anxiety was through the fucking roof! I remember thinking to myself, ďdamn, Iím really fucked up.Ē
Ricardo then says, ďwould you like to stay and listen to the music of the jungle Charles?Ē
I remember him telling me well, Charles, we are all going to leave now, so goodnight. Thatís when I got up. I looked at everyone, and felt so uncomfortable. I felt so out of place, but stuck. I couldnít do anything. I was afraid. People are looking at me. Iím wondering if itís all my fault, did I really cause all this. The strong grip of fear, grasped me in my place. Are you ok Charles, Ricardo asks. I went to walk out, but then they stopped me and pointed to all my things on the ground. My flips flops, backpack, blanket, mat, shirt, flashlight were all spread on the ground. I just stared at them. Then someone helped me grab my things. I was a mess. I remember trying to put on my shirt, but I forgot how. I got one arm through, and thatís as far as I got. I kept saying, ďman Iím fucked up, man Iím fucked up.Ē
With my things strewn in my arms, Iím guided out back to the house. The walk back to the house felt so long. I wondered where we were going, but then thought to myself, ďyou're tripping balls right now. Itís probably just you.Ē The walk was so tough for me. I was all over the place. I couldnít walk straight the whole time, stumbling left and right.
When I get to the house Ramon guides me up the stairs. I think I was just standing there, so he figured heíd help me up. Iím at a loss on what to do with myself, I was just frozen. A few people try and talk to me. They told me to sit, so I did. Then I got up, and acted like I was going to leave, and they would tell me to sit back down, and Iíd say oh, ok. I was asked if I needed anything, but I didnít know what I needed. I didnít know anything. I got up again, and walk downstairs. A friend from the group walks outside, and asks if Iím ok. Do I feel nervous? She asks if I can tell her how I feel. I couldnít answer her at all. She gets me back to the house, they are talking to me trying to relax me. I hear the word tranquilo a few times. I remember looking at everyone in confusion.
They tried to get my mattress set up for me, but I didnít know how to lay on it. I felt so awkward. Then I remember Ricardo take my mat and ask me how to set it up. He holds it in front of me and talks to me like Iím a small child. I didnít know how to do anything. Ricardo says, ďcome on Charles, time to get back to reality, you back yet?Ē I just looked at him with confusion. Iím on the floor with the mosquito net above me only covering half my body.
I remember Ricardo telling me to plant my feet on the ground, and breathe.So I did. I would keep trying to say something, and heíd interrupt me, and guide me to keep breathing. It was so hard. All I would do is breathe in and out, and then make what sounded like baby noises. I remember sitting in silence for a while, and Iím wondering if everyone is looking at me. When Ricardo asked how he could help me, I didnít say anything, cause I didnít know. I remember closing my eyes, and thatís when everything went silent. I thought there was nothing anyone can do. I thought since I could not be helped I caused this reaction where no one could speak anymore. I could only hear the jungle. I thought that everyone was stuck in silence. I could see everyone sitting in silence I remember seeing everyone waiting for me waiting for a way to help me but I couldnít say anything. I thought I caused the world to stop completely, like time was frozen.
I thought I caused the world to stop completely, like time was frozen.
Somehow I caused this reaction in space, and time, where there was no more forward motion. It was all just, for a lack of a better word, like just one moment, but there was no moment anymore. It was all just now, forever. Itís hard to describe something like this, because time just didnít exist. There was no more past, present or future. Everything was justÖjust was. I felt so sorry for it. We were all stuck in permanent silence. I remember thinking everyone was afraid, and they were waiting/wanting it to stop. Then I thought everyone just decided to go with it. There's nothing anyone can do. So they accepted it and succumbed to the silence, and that was it forever. We were all on the same wavelength.
I also remember everything imploding in my mind, into a single ball of energy. It was a single ball of morphing energy. It was different shades of pink, white, blue, purple all morphing. The ball of energy was my consciousness, and subconsciousness. It was me, and everything I knew. It was all in this single ball of energy. The only light in this dark space. I remember being in awe of what I was seeing. Then, all of a sudden it exploded and thatís when I started freaking out. I was acting like a baby. It was like I was born again.
C. came to help me. She sat next to me and I rested my head on her lap. I was trying to push through her. I was kicking and yelling. I was a baby again, and thatís when I shat myselfÖagain. I remember lying on my side, spewing on the floor. I remember we are in the shaman's house now. Everyone is asleep, the kids, grandparents, wife. Ricardo and C. were next to me. I donít know how many people tried to restrain me, but they couldnít. I was kicking and screaming.
I remember the shaman blowing smoke in my face again. It was so uncomfortable. It wasnít calming me down.
Ricardo and C. are next to me. Trying to calm me down. I remember a few people tried to hold my arms, but they couldnít get a grip. I kept trying to push through everyone. I was kicking and screaming, stomping my feet to the ground trying to merge with the floor. I wasnít separate anymore from anything, from the floor, from the people. We were all just one, just one big blob of everything. At one point I put my finger in my mouth, and bite down. I tried to bite my finger off but it hurt so bad I couldnít do it. I said to C., nope Iím not there yet.
I thought my physical self was nothing. Like I/we all have expanded ourselves beyond our physical bodies. We were all one now.
I remember calling out to my mom. I was saying sorry to her, and wishing I could have been there for her. I thought of my uncle and when I was at his funeral how beautiful it was. I thought of my aunt, and sister. I thought of my friend B., when we were at a ceremony in Ohio, and he had a bad trip, and I had to take care of him and everyone else. I could see him jumping in the fire. It was so vivid. Like I was actually inside my memories.
I was touching C's hair, and saying it was nice. All I wanted to do is touch her. She would grab my hand, talk to me like a child. I couldnít stop saying Iím sorry to everyone. There was a part of me that was still aware of me doing this. Like a smaller me was watching this all play out through my eyes.
Then something really weird happened. I started to rap. I have no clue why, or where it came from lol, but I was rapping, not good though. I was like a 6-year-old trying to imitate something he heard on the radio. I remember thinking to myself, ďwtf am I doing?Ē but I had no control.
I remember everything being so blurry. Like my eyes couldnít keep up with the movements. Then all of a sudden I sit up, and everything cleared. I say, ďguys! Iím back, Iím out of it!Ē I look at Ricardo. He look at me, and says, 'Youíre back?! What? That was fast?Ē
I said, ďyes, Iím back. Idk, Iím just back. I need a cigarette. Anyone got a cigarette?Ē Ricardo, scrambles, asking for a cigarette. He hands me a cigarette, and some matches. I didnít inhale, but it helped me calm down, and relax. I was in a state of awe when I came back, like where the fuck did I just come from?!
where the fuck did I just come from?!
Me, and Ricardo are talking. After a few minutes of conversation, I realize my legs are covered in my own shit, and piss. I cut off Ricardo, and ask him if he can ask if I can take a bath somewhere, and change into some new clothes.
They grab me some of the shaman's own clothes and a big bowl, with a bar of soap. They lead me to a little body of water where they bathe at. C. and Ricardo, hold the flashlight while I try to figure out how to get in this thing. I asked them if itís safe. They tell me, yea, they think so.
Iím wondering how the hell I get into this thing. They tell me they donít know. We are all so confused. They say, ďjust idk, maybe you're supposed to just lower yourself in.Ē Iím like, but who knows wtf is in here! Well, I take a breathe, and say fuck it, and lower myself in. I feel the ground, and itís mushy. Then my foot sinks into it, and a big air bubble comes up. I pull myself out as fast as I could and say, ďwtf was that!? Dude, thereís something in here.Ē They assure me that Iím ok and tell me the family takes baths in it all the time.
Well, I give it another shot, and go in. The cold water feels amazing. I pour the bowl of water over my face. I felt rejuvenated. I clean myself off, and go to put on the clothes, but when I try to put on the pants, my massive tree trunks of legs wonít fit in the pants. Iím like fuck what do I do? I look at Ricardo, smile, and politely ask him if he will let me use his pants. He gives me the look like he really doesnít want to. He says, to me, Charles, Iím sure the pants fit, just keep trying. I tell him they are not going to fit. C. helps me talk him into it. He sayís ok, and tells me I owe him a Club Colombia (Colombian Beer). I tell, him Iíll buy him 2.
We headed back to the house, and everyone is asleep. C. and Ricardo head to their hammocks. I ask her where am I supposed to sleep. She smiles, and says, youíll figure it out Charles, youíre strong and laid in her hammock. I left it at that, and got 2 benches and put them together. I tied up my mosquito net, and used some of the children's cloths I found as a pillow. I didnít sleep at all. I could hear the mosquitoes flying around me. The bench was unstable, so it rocked, and the kids clothes sucked as pillows. When morning came everyone got up. Tea, and bread was served. The shamans went around and collected payment, and then gave insight to everyone about there experience. He told me heíd get me last. When it was my turn he forgot me, or at least acted like it. Iím sure he just really didnít want to talk to me, cause of the crazy shit that happened the night before, but I had Ricardo get him, and give me his insights.
He told me I party too much. He said, that I meet too many women, and stay up late. He said, I need to spend more time with myself. I donít remember much about what he said altogether. He was vary vague, and didnít offer me much insight, maybe thatís why I donít remember much about it. I asked him, if he could offer me some guidance, or words to leave with. He couldnít give me anything. Many of us took his readings with a grain of salt. He told C. she was the bad energy in the group which I thought was ridiculous, because sheís the one who helped me get through my journey.
Me and Ricardo walked back to the community, and made it just in time for breakfast. After eating I grabbed my journal, and spent the day writing.
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