Citation: marxus. "Finding God in the Darkness: An Experience with Pharmahuasca (Moclobemide & DMT) (exp109084)". Erowid.org. Dec 1, 2017. erowid.org/exp/109084
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I have BPD and PTSD from childhood. These days I'm completely functional but very cynical about all things spiritual and whatever, though I have had some awe-inspiring experiences on LSD.
Previous recreational drug experience is LSD, MDMA, 4-FA, K, mescaline, 2C-B, the occasional study stim and maybe some more I don't remember.
Setting is in a friend's room while he does the same dosing as me.
T+0h 150mg moclobemide, 8mg ondansetron
T+0h15m DMT citrate made from 70mg freebase, oral
The nausea level was fairly low except for a few minutes after drinking the DMT.
T+1h 70mg DMT again, 4mg ondansetron
It turns out I overestimated my stomach's ability to break down the MAOI pill. 70mg DMT wasted.
Definite feeling at this point, everything feels stranger.
It's time to go in. I shut my eyes and start digging through the layers of my mind, similarly to meditating. I can hear a lot of my voices, judging and trying to categorize what I'm experiencing. I can feel that they are preventing me from getting deeper so I begin shutting them down. I suppose this is my ego?
I begin to see a swirl of colours. But it's not a painting, the scale is humongous. It's like an entire universe of colours. They're not that clear, possibly due to my individual sensitivity but I can tell I'm 'deep' inside something, whether it's my own mind or something else. The scale is just ridiculous and my mind starts to try and... encapsulate (?) the enormity of it all.
The exact time in minutes is completely fuzzy and retrospective right now but it's just for reference. Right now what I'm fairly sure is referred to as the ego keeps trying to push away how I feel about all of this by putting labels on it - 'this is awesome' or 'this is huge'. My ego seemed to realize that by being there and putting labels on it, it was stopping me actually feeling the awesomeness or hugeness.
My ego seemed to realize that by being there and putting labels on it, it was stopping me actually feeling the awesomeness or hugeness.
So it turned itself off, like a computer would. At this point there really was no going back because I wasn't in control. I had tried to stop myself existing in this space because myself was getting in the way of something else.
I was battling with my ego for a while. It was kind of like a siege in space where these ships kept trying to pull me out of the experience and I had to stay on top of them to shut off their power. It was hard work but not distressing. Finally I had succeeded, there were no voices, no nothing to distract me from what was going on.
And suddenly from out of the sea of colours there was a blast of pure love that shot through me. I knew exactly what it was, as if I had known my whole life but chose to ignore it. It was creation itself. I had a huge grin on my face. I was truly properly happy for the first time in years. And I don't mean euphoric, like being drunk or even love-empathy of MDMA. I was HAPPY. Like a normal person gets happy.
It seemed that I had found what I was always looking for and it was actually there all along but I either forgot or it didn't make sense to me given my past so I chose to pretend it didn't exist. And then I saw myself when I was about 8 years old. When I was a kid I used to be fascinated by all the different stories of religion, even though I'm not sure I believed any of it though I did believe in a God somewhere, doing something. But when I was 8 there was a moment I decided that there was no way God could exist, that these stories were rubbish people told themselves to make them feel better. The entire concept of spirituality was just not compatible with me anymore.
Yet here I was, finding it again. I didn't lose it, it just got buried under some rubble.
I saw flashes of people, some of them really annoy me or I hate, including my parents, and realized that I love them. And it didn't feel discordant because I wasn't creating love to put on other people, which is how I think a lot of people internally conceptualize love, but I was *drawing* love from an infinite supply somewhere else and feeling it within myself and not trying to push it on the images of people I saw.
After a while in the love colours nest the trip went slightly darker but no more less significant. I went 'in' deeper and the colours morphed into a giant shadow figure (like from Shadow of the Colossus). Every time the figure moved its fingers my entire perception of the space would morph with it. I realized that this was the Architect (aka God). I decided not to push my luck and get to know him any better, thanked him for his gift of infinite love and moved upwards (i.e. to some level not as deep). After all, to know the true face of God is to know madness...
I was back in the sea of colours. But this time I could feel my body melting into the bed. There was just a tiny bit of my ego still alive, fighting back and preventing me from completely losing myself and becoming one with the sea. In hindsight this is somewhat frustrating but now I know that 70mg is not enough and I should probably start meditating and getting better and keeping my ego quiet. I saw some statues and various other ancient imagery but this didn't feel relevant. They felt like a distraction. I had found the truth and one day, I will be back to exist in it again.
Coming back up out of my mind was a rough journey. I saw fire and stone and thought 'is this hell?'. But I realized that the only reason I was seeing this kind of negative imagery, whether it actually exists or not, is that the drug was wearing off and not helping me to suppress my ego anymore. So I waited patiently, in hell, moderating my fear until I was back to reality.
T+4h +/- back to baseline but mentally drained and exhausted. Putting words together was difficult because my brain was just so tired.
I realized afterwards how meditation and psychedelics both help people in the same way. Even brain scans show similar activity. Although I may have come close to touching God and will always have that memory, the real long-term benefit isn't because of the drug per se but because the drug gave me a big boost in trying to shut my ego up. And that's what I do in meditation, though it's usually less dramatic and takes longer. I guess this is elementary to anyone experienced in these things.
At various points I opened my eyes and I'm impressed by how seamless the transition was back to reality. While getting in and getting out is hard work, once I was in it was simple to move in and out at will. DMT also gives me my favourite OEVs - other psychedelics seem to strain my eyes, possibly because my eyes try to adjust for the blurriness (I am slightly short-sighted) whereas DMT visuals are completely sharp and natural.
For next time I think camping, a preplanned ritual (or playlist at least - we had a random youtube video on repeat which did work well to be honest), and a higher dose (100mg) and/or a half redose are called for. But I've finally found peace. Let's hope it lasts.
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