Citation: snake1118. "From Psychonaut to Junkie: An Experience with alpha-PHP (exp108960)". Erowid.org. Sep 3, 2016. erowid.org/exp/108960
Mind altering substances were a hobby of mine. Something I did in my own room, experimenting with various substances whether they be psychedelics, dissociatives, stimulants, deliriums etc. I didn’t mention this “hobby” to most people I know, I like taking these substances and just seeing what happens in my room. It was fun to experiment, from the good trips, to rubbing my face on the carpet, bad trips and even near death experiences all have taught me very important lessons and this experience has always been positive and fruitful.
I wasn’t an addict, I did experiment with a lot of addictive substances such as Xanax, Cocaine, Heroin, Meth, Alcohol and Tobacco and never felt the urge to compulsively do them, abuse them, or take any of those substances for more than a day straight. Gave myself 2 weeks break from all substances, cycled from stims one weekend, to psychedelics the other (so on and so forth) and a “drug vacation” weekend to reset everything. The journey, which started off on a positive note, had its highs and lows but always kept the sail smooth but unfortunately couldn’t leave a positive afterglow all because of that one substance….
After experimenting with lots of “illegal” drugs, from cocaine to LSD, cannabis to MDA, 2C-B to ketamine; I asked myself, “what’s next?” STP perhaps? Or 2C-I? But I came across this “legal grey market” of research chemicals. To my surprise and awe, it was rather easy to purchase hundreds of chemicals and have them delivered right to my doorstep. There were a lot of things to try, 1P-LSD, which pretty much felt like LSD. 4-ACO-DMT, which felt like shrooms but I liked it more because it didn’t give me that nausea. There were benzos (or substances similar to benzos) like Etizolam which surprisingly was the first substance to actually give me a “memory wipe” (Even Xanax couldn’t erase my memories completely like etizolam).
Still, Etizolam was a good substance to keep, cheap and short lasting, perfect to “smooth” out a bad trip or stimulant anxiety and shorter half-life too. Then I crossed over to stimulant RC’s.
Ethylphendiate was my first stimulant, and I was surprised to find it very euphoric and somewhat compulsive, yet I never formed a habit. Tried Hex-En (ethyl-hexedrone) next, people said it was like cocaine, I thought it was a decent stimulant to use when I wanted to hang out with people or need that small energy boost, but definitely didn’t have the rush like Cocaine, felt it was weaker but cheap.
Then I found A-PHP, a pyrovalerone, thought I'd give this a shot and see what the “fuss” was about. People claimed it was “highly euphoric” and way better than Hexen. I never tried MDPV nor A-PVP, so A-PHP was my introduction into pyrovalerone class of drugs. Ordered 3 Grams, had it arrive in 2 days. Weighted 40 mg on my milligram scale, took out my razor blade and my makeup mirror, grinded it and snorted it and thus began the downward spiral.
I felt the rush build up in 5 minutes and for the next 20 minutes I felt the most intense euphoria I have ever known. This felt miles more euphoric than Cocaine, surprisingly it even felt better than meth. It felt too good, and 20 minutes later I felt the most heart pounding anxiety attack. I realized given my stimulant tolerance was at zero, 40 mg as a start dose was “too much”. I calmed myself down and walked around the entire house trying to ease my mind, after 1 hour of the initial dose, I took another 35-40 mg line and the euphoria struck me again, it didn’t wind down like it would with cocaine, the second line never feels as good as the first with cocaine, but with this, it pretty much brought the euphoria back.
This time I didn’t felt paranoid, I’m having the time of my life, I’m texting my old friends, feel so social and chatty. This is where it felt more like Cocaine, I wanted to talk to people and bond with them no matter how much the relationship between me and the other individual had drifted away, I wanted to reach out and see what is happening. The energy is intense, my focus has gone from a flash light to a laser pointer and I’m multitasking very efficiently something I can never do and don’t even dare to try.
A-PHP gave me a much more laser sharp focus than Adderall, Dexedrine, Cocaine, Speed, and Ritalin. I completed tasks really fast, I started talking at a faster pace, but it was hard for me to “Escape” a task. Once I start a task, I’m locked in and I’m not aware of the time at all. This is where things started to become a problem. I started reading about animals, then biology, then evolution, then mars, then porn and before you know it, its 7AM and I got to leave for work in an hour.
The chemical started to become more of a burden than an “enhancer” as I previously thought.
The chemical started to become more of a burden than an “enhancer” as I previously thought.
One night it happened, I had to leave for work in an hour, I stayed up all night on a-PHP losing track of time and redosing every 1-2 hours. I took the a-PHP with me to work, and started using it there so I can continue to function. Surprisingly the lack of sleep didn’t hinder me at all, but I know sleep is vital for the mind so I would try to get as much sleep as I could.
More and more this substance started to take control of my life. I would be up all night, now instead of focusing on the task at hand, my procrastination was amplified. Instead of the rush, I just got an energy boost. Something strange about this substance I began to notice, like it had hijacked my mind, and started to control me and involuntarily I would be redosing it without being “fully aware”. Then I started to binge a few days straight. I said to myself, I don’t have anything to worry about, I’m not an addict, I’ll taper and give it up for a week.
It never happened. The cravings were too intense; my mind was wired to seek it. The cravings were the most intense I’ve ever felt. This is similar to Cocaine, if I have a bag of Cocaine, I want to finish it, it also hijacks my mind in a similar fashion. Cocaine was more fiendish to me, once the bag is done, I wouldn’t have any desire to seek it again for a while, there were no “cravings” after the Cocaine was gone, but there were strong cravings while I had it, I would continue to snort even though I knew that there was no point and I’m wasting it, but it is so hard to break that craving desire. A-PHP had that same problem, but when I ran out, I had intense cravings to seek it unlike cocaine. I realized, my ego had blinded me, just because I never got addicted to any hard drugs before; I wrongly assumed I was immune to being an addict. Now I became an addict.
People around me could notice my addiction before I did, they noticed my pupils were “Strange”, they noticed I wasn’t eating much or at all, they noticed how fast I was talking, they noticed my nose was stuffy. My family noticed my face was “changing” but they weren’t all that concerned just that I looked “different”. My dad said I look much weaker with my hands constantly shaky, I assured him it was just the work load with classes not getting enough sleep. Never felt this low in my life I had to lie to my dad about drug use because it never was a problem before. Coworkers probably noticed my “frequent bathroom breaks” and how my behavior became more aggressive. Before something bad happens, before someone catches me slip, before someone brings up my “different behavior” I had to quit, I knew I had to give up.
I understand now, what the song “Master of Puppets” by Metallica means. I always knew it was about Cocaine but the lyrics are more clear and started to hit me at a very personal level. Chopping my “a-php” on the mirror for breakfast, I knew half way into this journey, I gotta get away fast before I slip and break myself into a million pieces, because If I try to pick myself up from that, I would never be able to collect those million pieces and what I would have would be a taped up broken life one which I could never recover from, one that could never be the same again.
Once that a-PHP usage hit a 2-week straight mark, I ran out and I never ordered it again. Now I prepared myself for the intense withdrawal and cravings. I slept for 12 hours straight every day for a week, on Sunday, I pretty much slept 12 hours and kept taking 1-2 hour naps. I took plenty of Magnesium, Vitamin C, L-tyrosine supplements to help ease the pain of withdrawal, I smoked small amounts of cannabis and it helped take away those intense cravings and helped me sleep without thinking about ordering it again. My life had become very depressing, I thought about suicide every day for seven days straight; I had no desire to do anything and just became withdrawn from society during this period. The session of a-PHP left a big hole in my life
The session of a-PHP left a big hole in my life
, almost like a breakup from a loved one that unfortunately implants memories that are hard to fade.
I started listening to darker and slower music during this period and had strong case of munchies and sugar cravings, I re-evaluated my life and felt that my psychonaut journeys need to come to an end.
It has been a month and I feel much better now, I feel like I have been reborn and more ambitious than I ever was. I do get a slight “jolt” here and there to get some more “a-PHP”, But I remind myself, Never again. Sadly, this substance sealed the casket on my “mind-altering substance” hobby, I just don’t think I can ever go back to those experiments and adventures anymore now that I was thrown near rock-bottom. I never, in a million years, was prepared for addiction (but then again no one does). I prepare for every danger associated with drug use, from neurotoxicity, bad trips, maintaining a proper diet, sleep deprivation, tolerance, but never prepared for the day I would sink into the dangerous and toxic world of addiction. I bought a guitar and started taking online programming classes, I will substitute my previous hobby for some new ones for now. Perhaps I can return someday, or use drugs in a social setting only, but for now that chapter has been closed.
Drugs, something I did only for fun, I never believed in the idea of “mind-expansion” or any of that talk of how they can improve your life. I did it as a hobby, like playing a video game, I might learn a thing or two but in the end of the day it’s just fun, something to kill the boredom, something to pass the time by. My knowledge on substances and chemicals has grown to a wide range, but for now, It’s best to declare this journey over, maybe a long halt, who knows only time will tell If I could ever go back. I don’t think a-PHP is a “bad substance” or the “Devil”, my own ego blinded me that I thought I could use it responsibly and I could never become an addict. I just wanted to share my story and make people aware of the potentially fatal addiction one can develop if they aren’t careful and how someone like me could fall into the dark abyss and have to give up one of their most profound and loved hobby. Thanks for reading this, I hope this gives you some knowledge about the potential dangers of a-PHP since it is a very new substance with little to no reports. Tread likely if you want to experiment, keep a small batch and if you ever start to feel the cravings for it, flush it immediately. Perhaps one could use this substance responsibly, but I failed that task.
TL;DR: Experimented with research chemicals, found a-PHP, got addicted to the point of almost hitting rock bottom, gave up after a 2 week binge, felt like shit for a week, recovered, now gave up drugs for good.
[Reported Dose: '20 MG redosed 40 mg over the course of a day.']
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