Citation: Jones Gorilla. "Horrifying: An Experience with Inhalants (exp10893)". Erowid.org. Apr 10, 2007. erowid.org/exp/10893
I can't quite remember when this happened, but I'm guessing I was about 17. I was bored, lonely, and without any other way to get high and, although I felt and quite rightly should have felt like an idiot, I soaked a rag in camping gas, went into my room and heaved on the thing until I was no longer able. Now, what I am about to describe was a seminal experience for me; I often think of my life in terms of before and after this event.
It was one of those 'hallucinations', for lack of a better word, that you find impossible to describe and which you feel you can never recover from. I was sitting there, looking at the wall, when I noticed that a piece of drywall, a bit of paneling and some wood trim formed some kind of pythagorean shape, which proceeded to turn into some kind of spiral, accompanied by the most powerful, profound, all-encompassing sense of deja-vu that you can possibly imagine. I don't think you actually can imagine, in fact; you would have had to experience it. It wasn't really a visual hallucination, it was more of a feeling that a certain thing was happening. I had an absolute conviction that life was simply a sensory pattern that our minds were continually following, but that we could never get beyond a certain horizon and see what was actually at the root of it all. It felt, honestly, like life was a horrible, horrible, 'joke', but that it was impossible for existence to take any other form.
I jumped up, ran to the front door of our house, and yelled 'I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!' as loud as I could, only to see/feel the essence just elude me and race beyond the horizon. There is no way I can possibly describe the fear. No matter what I write here it seems stilted, I guess I'll never be able to describe it, except to say that it was a spiral of deja-vu, which is not a very well-fitting description. After screaming out the door, I wandered around my house in a panic, not able to understand what had just happened, and everything I saw had this same feeling about it. You know, now that I think about it, it was a visual halucination in a sense, because the predominant feeling was one of infinite impossibility, that life was based on something that we couldn't concieve of as possible, and I felt this because I saw in everything this kind of spirally little pulsating thing on the surfaces, it wasn't distinct from the rest of the object and it was somehow more than three-dimensional, all I can say is that its existence was impossible.
I called some kind of suicide prevention line, but they couldn't help at all for obvious reasons. Every once in a while I would, for I guess a few years afterwards, get a little hint or feeling of it. I still do actually, but it's not quite the same and it only happens when I smoke pot.
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