Amanitas - A. muscaria
Citation: jarjar. "Death the Void Brain Malfunction: An Experience with Amanitas - A. muscaria (exp108672)". Erowid.org. Feb 5, 2020. erowid.org/exp/108672
Not quite sure whether my experience qualifies under any specific category in regard to it being positive or negative. Perhaps both to some extent as looking back I definitely feel extremely fortunate to have gone through what I went through, yet, I would not wish the fear, despair and physical manifestations of how I felt at the epicenter of this experience on my worst enemy. It has been less than 48 hours old now, I find myself still emotionally, spiritually (and even physically) processing exactly what transpired the other night. It was an extremely profound experience to say the least.
It began early Saturday morning with the preparation of my newly acquired Amanitas. I decided to make a sun tea from the mushrooms and proceeded to carefully assemble two large mason jars containing 1oz each of two distinctly different types of Amanitas (Washington and Latin America). As I grabbed each mushroom to break apart I carefully examined each part of the dried mushroom and expressed some thankfulness and gratitude towards each one as I pieced them apart into the jars. The Washington specimen was very dry and brittle, while the Latin America's had a softer, fresher texture almost as if they were not completely dried out all the way. At any rate, I didn't notice anything peculiar until I came across some extremely dark areas under one of the Latin American mushrooms. I almost discarded it (or that piece of it) as I got a rather dark vibe from it the moment I discovered it. I decided not to however because I thought I was likely just imagining or manifesting the darkness myself somehow due to the physical darkness of the mushroom (which is entirely possible) but for completeness sake I felt it worthy to mention considering the events that were to transpire less than 12 hours later.
I filled each mason jar with exactly 16oz of distilled water (had been meaning to fetch some spring water all week specifically for the tea preparation but never got around to it). After adding the water I put them out in the early morning sunlight for approximately 2.5hrs before packing them up and heading to the campgrounds to meet with some friends for the weekend.
Arrived at about 4pm and immediately set the tea back out into the open to absorb another few hours of sunlight that was left in the day.
At approximately 8pm, I prepared the Washingtons for consumption. I retrieved another clean and empty mason jar, a small strainer, funnel and cheese cloth. I began by straining the tea into the empty mason jar, and pressing down on the mushroom pieces with just enough pressure to extract an much of the remaining liquid (and valuable compounds within) as I could from each piece. I gently rehydrated the mushrooms (while still in the strainer) and pressed down on them again to extract the liquid that had just been absorbed. I then put the pieces into the cheesecloth, tightly squeezed out any more of the remaining liquid as well. Finally, I took another section of cheesecloth, set it over the top of the jar and poured the tea into yet a 3rd empty mason jar, which resulted in a mostly pure liquid tea (aside from some tiny particles which had made its way through the cheesecloth filter).
The Washington Dose
9pm - took about 4oz of the resulting 22oz of liquid tea that had been created. Mixed with some organic agave and lemon juice.
10pm - felt slightly intoxicated & a warm / light sense of well-being. An odd ever so slight sense of time slowing down as well. Similar to my only other experience with Amanitas many years ago.
10:15 - the brew had nearly been extinguished by others who had chosen to partake, and when there was about 2.5oz left I decided to take the rest of it to finish it off.
The Latin America Dose
10:30pm - After another friend (who had not had any of the first batch) had inquired about the availability of any remaining tea, I decided to prepare the Lat Americans using the same method as previously described (tho producing slightly less yield ~20oz). After discussing the amount of the first batch I had consumed, he decides to consume approx 7-8oz. After some consideration (and hesitation), I also decide to have a small cup, approx 3.5oz as well.
1045pm - we decide to go for a walk with a few other members of our group, and during, I felt slightly nauseous and was sure I was going to vomit, but calmed my mind and focused on other thoughts and ended up keeping it down. I was definitely feeling quite intoxicated though, and the right side of my entire body seemed to be out of sync with my left side
the right side of my entire body seemed to be out of sync with my left side
which caused me to stumble my way back to the campsite.
As we gather around the fire, a feeling of giddiness came over me. I began to laugh uncontrollably while looking at my outstretched hands as I held them in front of me. This is where things start to get interesting. For about 10 minutes or so, I continue to laugh while intently focusing on my hands. 'Hands!! (hahaha)' I would say every so often. Then without notice, every 2-3 seconds in perfect rhythm, I felt a slight internal pressure or 'tap' or 'step' (as I described it to my fellow campers) directly on the right side of my head/brain. Like a nervous internal tic, each time my head and right arm would bob slightly downward. This would go on for ~5-10 minutes, still laughing all the while. Then, I started to feel a ever so slight distance from my physical body, and the nature of the laughter went from extremely hilarious, to slightly worrisome. Looking back at my hands, it felt more and more as if I was looking at a manaquin. From my perspective, they looked stiff and distinctly seperate from myself somehow. That slight feeling of distance and seperateness, started to increase with each subsequent brain 'tap', and I quickly go from slightly worried to really fucking scared, as I started to come to the realization and actually comprehend the events that were unfolding. It became crystal clear that with each progression of these taps on my brain, I was steadily signaling the detaching of the consciousness from my human body. The feeling of this progression, was almost as if I was watching my physical body through a window, that was sleepwalking towards an approaching cliff edge where the dropoff meant certain death. The most intense regret, helplessness and despair was sinking in all at once and all I could do as the brink of detachment approached was watch as my outstretched manaquin hands are the last thing I see before complete and utter darkness took me.
I had entered a state of nothingness. A complete separation from anything familiar. Darkness really doesn't even describe where I now was, it wasnt devoid of light, it was indeed nothingness, complete blank, a indescribable void. I felt like I had truly just died and now I was here, nowhere, absolute limbo. Time ceased to exist and never have I ever felt that amount of loneliness & sadness that I did in that moment. Regret as well, for having just killed myself over something so stupid. Thoughts of how foolish and naive I was to have underestimated the Aminitas. I remembered thinking it must of been because I mixed the two breeds of mushrooms? Did I defy the spirit of the Mushroom somehow by mixing them? did I just ingest too much total muscimol? Was it the black portion of the Latin Americas that I kept in the brew that was the culprit? I then started to think about my children and what would become of them now without me. More regret set in, and guilt...guilt that I did this to myself and took myself away from them and my family. Again, time was non existent, as these thoughts and questions filled my mind I began to wonder just how long I've actually been here, a minute, an hour, I had zero concept of time. However, I somehow actually knew that my physical body was still at the campground, and I tried to picture it, sitting there lifeless, outstretched hands in front of the fire which was my last memory of being 'alive'.
When I kept attempting to make that connection to my physical body, I started to ease (albeit slowly) my consciousness back into my body. The sight through my eyes first returned although everything was pixilated and cubed (sort of like Minecraft world) . Then I felt tingling (like internal goose bumps) starting slowly from the tips of my fingers up though my arms and shoulders as life returned to them. My first words were 'I'm back!!!!! I'M fucking back!!! HOLY SHIT'. Pure. Utter. Joy. Filled my entire being. (And shock mind you. I did not think there would be any coming back from where I had just been. The 'void' had such a strong sense of permanence, timelessness and inescapability that hopelessness was the only option). The same internal tingling sensation ran down my torso through both legs, to the ends of my toes. I rubbed my newly re-acquired arms down my legs as well as feeling and life returned to them as a wave of intense internal goose bumps ran over them. Once it did I leapt out of my chair and ran to touch the ground. I had never felt so blessed to be alive, to be back! I looked around at the environment and noticed a tree, my first instinct was to run grasp ahold of it like a relative I had not seen in years. It felt like a lifeline, a true anchor to reality that I was never so appreciative of than in that moment.
Once the joy of my triumphant return started to subside, I realized that something else was still not quite right. By now I have also come to realize that the rest of my fellow campers all are staring at me, watching everything unfold with some confusion as they ask where I'm back from? As I comprehend the question presented (albeit noticeably slower than one would generally comprehend and process a simple question), I instantly realize that my memory, for all intents and purposes and for lack of a better word was 'fucked'. I quickly realize that I had no immediate response and it was apparent that the normal way one would go into a brain and retrieve the answer to a question was indeed, no longer available to me anymore. I understood inherintly what was asked, but I seriously had to think about it, think about the words and then in fact think about how to respond, or what words to respond back with. First word I said was 'blank' (which I said over and over) since my memory (or at least instant access to it) was effectively erased. I had to dig deep within my memory and mentally try to conjure up a word that symbolized what had just happened to me, 'blank'..
'Blank, blank, blank...black! Nothing, Dark!!' It felt as if I had to mentally, manually open a dictionary for each new word I retrieved to utter out. I sat in silence for a few moments now contemplating, this new method of information processing. Truly believing with every fiber of being that I had just royally fucked my brain up for good somehow. Not only that, but my pixilated minecraft world was still very much a reality. But only on the right side of my vision. The left side was mostly clear though definitely not right.
Oddly enough however, I definitely had a pleasurable gentle numbness on the entire right side of my body. A slight silver lining through everything that was now happening to me I thought, and that if I have this brain damage now, maybe I'll get to keep this mild euphoric pleasure too? Then I quickly realized that was me trying to rationalize with myself. A malfunctioning brain, and viewing half a world of minecraft was in no way, shape, or form a fair trade off.
A malfunctioning brain, and viewing half a world of minecraft was in no way, shape, or form a fair trade off.
This is when true panic and a feeling of utter despair truly set in yet again. No way on earth could I live my life like this. I would certainly go mad, and end my life at some point. I've never ever had a suicidal thought in my life before, but my first one did indeed come to me in that moment.
By now, the rest of my fellow campers were quite worried. All of them being on LSD or taken some of the muscaria brew themselves were quite unprepared to handle the mental breakdown that was now underway. I don't know exactly everything I said (but I do know it was very much short, repetitive phrases as every new word I added to my vocabulary seemed to be quite an effort). Something to the effect of 'fuck!! what did I do? I'm Blank now! Short/normal memory is gone. I have to think of every word I say before I say it! Holy shit is everyone else ok?! Who else drank the second batch!!?' With my delirium increasing, a 'sober' entity was found by the other campers who again, were in no state themselves to help bring me back from the state of panic I was now in.
I remember being guided into a tent to lie down where the sober one (a RN) now tried to talk me back into reality. I remember her asking a series of questions, 'who am I?' , 'Do you know where you are??', 'Do you know your kids' names'. All of which I could thankfully answer. Albeit slow, and not through normal brain function. Each question that was posed, I felt like I hit a dead end when initially trying to respond. It was like, my brain kept going to where it normally goes to find an immediate response to a question and that space was now empty or blocked. I had to mentally focus and think about the word(s) to answer with, and then I could verbalize it. With each question, I felt thankful that I indeed had at least the capacity to find an answer, but just as much sadness and grief over my now new handicapped way that I had to retrieve information.
I was finally able calm myself, and at some point, I realized that the right side of my brain was tingling, from the center of it, slowly to the right. Like a gentle wave of goose bumps going over and and over, similar to the pace and duration of the taps that happened before the entry into the void happened. As this wave continued, I saw my right side vision slowly come back into clear focus little by little! This slow progression to some normalcy was a giant sigh of relief!! I instantly felt like I was back to normal! Like, my computer brain had just rebooted, and Windows was taking awhile to reload.
As I viewed my desktop however, I found that all my files and folders were still no longer there, i.e. - my memory was still fubar. Still, I took some small solace that I seemed to be improving which gave me hope that normal brain function was due to follow.
At this point it was approximately 1am and I was mentally and physically drained. I went to bed, hoping sleep would be kind to me and that I would somehow awake with my brain back to normal.
6am - I woke up and instantly went to test mode, to see if things were back to normal. To my dismay they were not. The right side of my brain was still buzzing, and felt numb. I was oddly intrigued by this new method of thinking though, and I began to test myself by going through simple multiplication math problems. I started with 2x2 and I couldn't seem to find an immediate answer and my brain naturally went to 1×1, immediate answer! Yes..ok good. Then I went 1x2. answer..1x3,4 ,5? Yep, yep, yep.. good! Now 2x1, 2x2 , good - good..2x5? Nope.. could not find the answer. It was like a word at the tip of my tounge, but could not seem to come up with the answer no matter how hard I tried. So I started over, 2x2, 2x3, 2x4. Yep yep yep... 2x5..yep! Instant answer. So it seemed like as long as I followed some kind of sequental order I had instant recall. I then jumped to see if I could do 7x6 just for fun. Nothing. But going 7x1 & working my way up and I handled it fine. 42, boom.
So then I started mentally writing code in my head. I'm a web developer by trade, and started to worry about being able to work effectively with this new brain processing method.
I'm a web developer by trade, and started to worry about being able to work effectively with this new brain processing method.
Surprisingly I was able to construct some simple functions in my head, then imagined using them in certain scenario, and it didnt quite come to me as natural as it usually does. Still, encouraging that I could do it at all. During these little mental exercises, I started feeling the goose bump wave again over again, this time noticeably more intense. It felt incredible. Like if a brain could orgasm, it was doing exactly that. Wave after wave came and I focused on every one, from center to the right side of my brain. It almost had an internal audible sound to it as crossed from left to right. This goose bump wave went on for maybe 30 minutes or so, until finally it finally subsided. The numbness remained and I laid back, almost missing the soothing brain-gasms.
Then I notice something had changed. I immediately went back to my multiplication self tests. 12x12 (a new one I hadnt tried yet) - boom! 144 baby! I was officially back! I started to look around and verbally described everything I was seeing instantly (something that would of been impossible 2 hours earlier). Never ever have I felt such a relief. Well, maybe not quite the level of relief from returning from darkness that was 'the void' from the night before, but it was close. Felt so blessed to be able to have myself back ...completely back this time. The right side of my head still felt slightly numb still, but all things considered, Ill take it.
Kids, don't do drugs , drugs are bad.
Seriously though, like I mentioned at the time, in the midst of everything I felt as if this is the worst thing that could of ever happened. 48 hours later, I feel quite the opposite. I have a level of mental clarity that I have never experienced ever before. It's as if the reboot of my consciousness, and the way I can now think is much more focused and less cluttered with meaningless thoughts and ideas.
[Reported Dose: "approx 14g total"]
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