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It Seems Like I'm Still Alive
Methoxphenidine & THJ-018
by cylindricalchrist
Citation:   cylindricalchrist. "It Seems Like I'm Still Alive: An Experience with Methoxphenidine & THJ-018 (exp108617)". Erowid.org. Aug 3, 2016. erowid.org/exp/108617

 
DOSE:
T+ 0:00
40 mg oral Methoxphenidine (powder / crystals)
  T+ 0:00 20 mg vaporized Methoxphenidine (powder / crystals)
  T+ 0:00 20 mg insufflated Methoxphenidine (powder / crystals)
  T+ 4:00   vaporized THJ-018 (powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT: 75 kg


Psychoactive substances used in the past: DXM, weed, heavy use of alcohol, chloroform, mild opiates (tramadol, codeine, dihydrocodeine), benzos (mainly flurazepam, brotizolam, alprazolam), nutmeg, scopolamine, zolpidem, benzydamine, something that should have been MDMA but was probably just an amphetamine mix.

I had been completely clean from any pharm and/or drug for a week, but I had used 8 mg of F-MPH in the morning, at 7 a.m (but it that had already completely worn off).

WARNING: eyeballing is by no means safe, especially with compounds active in the mg range, and an unknown safety profile.

T 0:00 (7 p.m.) Measured a 70-90 mg line of methoxphenidine (the scale showed 0.08 g)

T 0:15 (7:15 p.m.) I have taken the whole dose. Half orally, a quarter vaporized and a quarter snorted. Vaporizing it left a brown gummy residue (maybe the temperature was too high, or too low, or the product has impurities, or maybe it degrades when exposed to heat), so I cleaned the vaporizer with water (not really effective to dissolve the residue) and then acetone (effective when paired with scraping, probably heating could have helped, too, but acetone is flammable). I rinsed it 4 times, to clean it completely.

Effects after that dose slowly built up until a state of DXM-like mental dissociation (about T 2:30), without any body high. Some times I just stared at something trying to understand what I was feeling and what my state of consciousness was like (introspection wasn't enhanced).

T 4:00 (11 p.m.) I decide to load some THJ-018 in the vaporizer. I dipped the tip of a pair of tweezers in the bag as I had done when I had (successfully) attempted attempted to smoke it in a cigarette. Unfortunately, I didn’t remember that vaporizing is a more efficient method of inhaling drugs than burning them, and I actually loaded the vaporizer with about 2-3 times the amount I had smoked Tuesday, looking for a stronger experience.

T 4:15-4:20 (11:15-20 p.m.) “Oh shit oh shit oh shit”. I realize that I have fucked up. I get a strange feeling, and I'll try to explain it: imagine that you’re playing a videogame for like 10 hours without moving your eyes away from the screen. Then you turn it off and for half a second you’re like “wooah, everything is much more real now. I’m a little confused now, I don’t know if my brain can deal with this”. That feeling, except that it doesn’t fade away in a second or so and that the answer is “no, your brain probably can’t deal with it, you just fucked it up”. The dose was definitely too large and the effects are getting more and more intense as time passes.

T 4:30 (11:30 p.m.) I don’t know what to do, I feel more and more detached from reality. Visuals. Perspective isn’t as it should be. Little wave-like movements on the texture of furniture, and tiny sparkles in the air. There’s a stroboscoping effect if I move my head too fast (like if my vision was lagging). Part of my thoughts are only conceptual, part of them are discussed by two different voices, neither male nor female, that have no distinctive traits but are different one from the other and that I recognize as “parts of me”. I still haven't reached the peak.

T 4:50 (11:50) I realize that my heart is pounding and that I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken a breath
T 4:50 (11:50) I realize that my heart is pounding and that I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken a breath
, so I decide to lay on my bed and concentrate on monitoring my heartbeat and breathing rhythm in order not to die. I put on some music but I don’t enjoy it. Actually it annoys me, so I stop it. In the meantime, I forget that I wanted to go to bed, so I stand in the middle of my room without knowing what to do. There’s a profound rhythmic “swoosh” sound, some banshee-like shrills (that last about half a second) now and then. Fractals in the air, after images, and everything warps. If I stare at something it gets worse. I seriously think that I am dying.

00:00 a.m. I don’t know what to do so I just hope that physically what I’m going through is not enough to kill me (even if I'm convinced that it is) and start worrying about my mental health (just in case I survive, hope is all that I've left). Am I going to make it through this experience? I google information on cannabinoid overdoses, but words have a whole new meaning. “Psychosis” and “schizophrenia” mean something very bad, I suppose, but I can’t remember why. It’s strange because I remember that I had read the exact same pages while sober (before the experience) and I remember that I had thought something like “Ugh, well, I’d better not fuck up with those”. Anyway, I’m not worried by any consequence this experience could have on my mind, as they don’t seem so serious to me. I realize that I'm experiencing tremors.

After some time spent panicking I remember that I had planned to go to bed, and I lay down, with the lights on.

T 5:00-6:00 (00:00-1:00 a.m) Now I’m convinced that, In order not to go insane, I have to stay attached to reality. The problem is that, even if I try, I don’t manage to. I have no conscious memory about who I am (I can’t recall information but I have it stored in my brain and I remember other things instead of what I’m trying to remember). Remembering key information about my everyday life (for example: my routine, my friends...) has me back in a state of semi-reality for a second or so. After a while I realize that if I don’t move my body “petrifies”, gravity gets stronger and I get more detached from reality. So I decide to move. It doesn’t change the situation because I’m only able to stay somewhat aware of my state for less than a second. I decide to try to sleep but it’s difficult.

Then I enter a strange loop. I try to stay as attached to reality as possible, so I stand up with my glasses on and the lights on. The visuals are strong and I have thoughts about how suicide would end the trip. These thoughts scare me and I sit down to avoid doing stupid things. Sitting down with the lights on is the same as standing up, so I turn off the light and lay down. In this state I get totally dissociated from everything. I “see without my eyes” a 3D T-like structure that has around it multicolor neon lines, like tree growth rings. I “hear” unidentifiable sounds until I fear for my sanity and remember that I wanted to stay attached to reality, so that I stand up, turn on the lights and put my glasses on. Then I proceed to repeat this sequence of actions many times, with slight differences in thoughts and visuals (the auditory hallucinations lasted the whole trip).

5:00 a.m. I open my eyes. It seems like no time has passed since when I closed them, but I’m pretty sober now, even if I still haven’t completely recovered. I’m fatigued but not tired.

After 3 days sometimes I still fall in a dissociated state, but it's getting less and less common. In less than a week I'll be totally fine.

Exp Year: 2016ExpID: 108617
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: Not Given 
Published: Aug 3, 2016Views: 2,087
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Methoxphenidine (629), THJ-018 (753) : Alone (16), Overdose (29), Difficult Experiences (5), Combinations (3)

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