Citation: Crazydevs. "A Light at the End of the Tunnel: An Experience with Heroin (exp10819)". Erowid.org. Nov 25, 2001. erowid.org/exp/10819
I will never forget the first time I smoked Heroin, I was 14, I was already heavily into LSD , Ecstacy and other party related drugs. And the first time I smoked it was with my younger brother and father. My parents split when I was 12. My father was going through some tough times and was heavily into hard drugs. He was not an addict, and never has been, he gave me and my brother heroin, as, at the time, he thought he was doing the right thing, in teaching us about a drug, which was quite clear, about to enter our lives regardless of this event.
I remember the foul taste of the drug as it ran down the silver foil, it taste making me want to vomit instantly, I remember the room spinning, and feeling so ill, I forget the number of times I was sick, but I said to myself then I would never do this evil shit again, and my father, thought he had made his point, and it would prevent us using it in the future, kind of like a parent making his child smoke 200 cigarettes in a row, in an attempt to make the child hate them, my father took this idea to a whole new level.
Of course, I tried heroin again shortly after, this time with some school friends, and I loved it. We started off once every few weeks, we’d all buy some gear and smoke ourselves of the planet. Slowly, we used a little more, and more, and then within a few months we were all smoking daily. It wasn’t long before we all stopped sharing, and went off on our own to do our gear. I guess this is when my girlfriend of the time, first noticed a problem forming, I was taken to a clinic, where I was prescribed a small dose of methadone, and treated. This however, to me, was the first stage in a downward spiral to death.
By the time I was 16 I had a pretty stable heroin and methadone addiction, I would lye, steal cheat, and pretty much scam my way through life, I was smoking around £20-40 worth a day. And was funding my habit quite easily. This of course didn’t last. And by the time I was 17, It was getting to the stage where I was finding it harder to fund my addiction. My girlfriend had decided to stick by me through the last few years, her life must have been hell, but she was determined not to give up on me. By this time we had been together for 3-4 years, and we were both only 18, how anyone that age could have delt with all I was doing, must have been very hard, in some ways, I can never forgive myself for what I put her through.
I will never forget my 18th birthday, it was the first time I injected heroin. I remember being ‘sick’ and having little money, by this time I was in and out of hostels around London, sleeping here and their, my girl, although still with me, had moved out on her own. I remember always telling myself I would never lower myself to injecting, no matter what, but my head was aching so much that day, I just wanted to feel better, I was 18 for christs sake, I should be happy. So, I agreed to my dealers idea of a small hit, I handed my arm over, and let him slowly Inject heroin into me…
The first time I injected heroin, I felt I truly understood the drug, as if we became one.
I felt invincible, powerful, the feeling of true happiness. From then on I threw out my tinfoil, and my pockets became filled with syringes, metal spoons and cigarette butts.
At first, injection seemed like the answer to all my problems, I could inject small amounts of heroin (about 1/20th of the amount I smoked) and achieve an even better high. I was in heaven, I fell in love with the needle, and it became my best friend.
It wasn’t long before I was injecting myself, and once again I could score, and then be alone with my drug, just us two, in perfect harmony, of course, this didn’t last long. And within 6 months I found I needed to inject more than I used to smoke, and once again found myself with funding problems.
I continued to scrounge, stay here and their, ponse of my now distant girlfriend, parents, relatives, whoever. My girl, although having gone though hell, was prepared to give me another chance. I still remember the day she found me, laying on her porch, blood stains on my arms. It was the first time she became aware I was injecting, and I still remember her tears. So off I went, for my first attempt at detox,
I never did rehab, I knew plenty who had, but little it worked for, so, I went for the old room lock up job. I think this was the first time I learnt to fear the withdrawal, I spent 2 days ‘clucking’ before I left my girlfriends flat and reformed my habit.
The next year or so I spent begging on the streets, I had nothing left, I had lost everything I had, except the cloths on my back. I was now addicited to a number of drugs, methadone, diazepam, temazepam, crack cocaine and alcohol. I didn’t really feel I had anything to live for. At 19, I felt my life was over, and in many ways it was. I’m not sure what it was that made me decide enough was enough, but I knew something had to be done.
At the time my mother had a house in cornwall, in a remote location, that was ideal for a good cold turkey session, so off I went, with a £100 a day heroin habit, hooked on 50ml of methadone daily, and a 40/40mg split of benzo’s, and a a raging crack addiction. I came off on those exact doses. I can’t really remember the sickness now, its like a bad dream, but I spent 6 long months in that room, my mum would bring me food, and I would lay and think, after the sickness passed, the boredom came and the depression, but I got through it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I’m 22 now, and diagnosed with hepatitus C. I have been clean 3 years. I live a very different life now, I live in the south UK, I have a job, a house, and I do the things normal people do. But I will never be the same. In many way, I will never be normal. I have seen and done things people will never see. I have become strong, I am still with my girlfriend, its been 8 years now, although we have grown apart, and our future as a couple is dim, but we will remain friends for life. Its hard to deal with the hep c, as I know I am dying, and have no one to blame but myself.
Heroin destroyed my life, to a point I can never put it back as it once was, it’s a horrible thought, but I get through life, my addiction is still inside, it always will be, it never leaves, its always their, in the back of my mind, but each day, its winging voice, becomes a little more distant. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to find it yourself.
To this day my brother lives the life of an addict, 4 of my friends are dead, my father feels guilt I think he finds hard to live with. Addiction was a hard lesson to learn, I hope no one has to learn it.
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