Citation: sanctus nikholaos. "The 7th Attempt: An Experience with Ayahuasca & Mimosa tenuiflora (exp107536)". Erowid.org. Jul 18, 2020. erowid.org/exp/107536
The 7th attempt (or perhaps 8th or 9th (in this lifetime))
Brewed two batches of chacruna and caapi, both brews had three variations of caapi, two shredded, and one powdered, about 100 g per brew. One brew had chacruna 100 g from brazil, the other 100 g from peru. These brews were simultaneously cooked for approximately 13 hours with two washes. Also had a Crockpot of mimosa hostilis cooking for about a day with the other brews. Combined the two caapi and chacruna brews and boiled down, tried a shot glass of it after about 6 hours of boiling down, nothing happened. Then mixed the remaining brew with the mimosa hostilis, boiled down again, tried a shot glass of that, nothing. The remainder was about 3/4 a full glass which was refrigerated. The following day after those two failed attempts, decided to chug the entire glass of reaming brew, and vomited a little bit while drinking it. Decided to take a shower while listening to an icaros cd burned, finished the shower and laid down in bed with buffalo drum, drumming along with the icaros.
Staring at the ceiling, seeing various faces in the spackles, first the faces seemed like demons, then kept seeing a cat face, suddenly the spackles started swirling, and started to feel anxious and paranoid, shook the feeling off, back to normal. Started staring at the ceiling again, spackles began blending, then looked over at the wooden closet doors, the grains began to move like ripples of water, suddenly felt very afraid, worrying that too much was taken. Got up quickly, and walked out to the living room, the tiles lining the door by the carpet began rising up like the floor was coming apart, the pattern of roses on the couch appeared as paisley fractals moving in a swirling unison and watery wave like pulsation.
(approx 20-30 minutes in) Needless to say the situation was getting weird, and began to feel very afraid doing this alone as a sketchy attempt at conducting an individual ceremony. Put hands upon face, breathing deep, trying to remain calm and that this would all be a part of the experience, despite worrying if there was too much DMT, or too much MAOI in the concoction. Then suddenly the need to purge came about while freaking in the living room, ran to the kitchen and vomited in the sink, a relieving explosion of liquid splashed upon the steel. An even more intense wave of surging transformative perception began to invade the current level of awareness, things started blending, morphing, shifting, molecules vibrating in strands of interlaced matter, this is sort of difficult to describe, thus the photographic interpretations provided.
At this point, it felt like personality and identity of self were drowning in the oncoming undertow of the brew. (Loss of memory between initial onset and the middle portion of the experience.) Remember looking into the mirror, pupils were very dilated, blank facial expression, emotions seemed to be either distorted or dissipating as the cognizant state of ayahuasca took hold of the preordained feeble conscious mindset. As “reality” detached from the signal of normality, paranoia and anxiety escalated. Suddenly, heard the sound of the apartment door being unlocked, alas, the girlfriend had arrived, and greeted her as a saint, a person to hold and help ground self back into the norm, but was that true? She wrote her respective account of the experience, and can be read as additional documentation. Hugged her and held her close, told her that the entire brew was taken, she seemed a bit surprised. Then felt the need to purge again, ran to the bathroom this time and jettisoned inner juices into the white porcelain of the toilet, looking at what came out appeared to be the universe, a collection of translucent celestial bodies swirling, connected, and created by the vessel which released them into their water filled habitat. Flushed that universe down the drain, got up and looked in the mirror, what stared back wasn’t the former expected appearance, it was a mere facade of an entity collecting data for some higher intelligences to evaluate and assess, or something along those lines, test subject Number ? Ready to further examine the confines of this plane to further the experiment and add variables to a constantly fluctuating equation.
The girlfriend suggested lying down in the bedroom, and agreed that might be soothing to listen to the icaros while going through this experience, remember, at this point, don’t really remember much, possibly blacked out, but remember feeling not ready for what happened, and that the girlfriend was basically playing the role of the shaman, in terms of helping calm the nerves, and coping with what transpired. Remember after lying down, worrying about how long it would last since the amount of brew taken was probably too much and that the experience wasn’t what was expected, probably in part due to taking it in a western setting inside of a rigid and confined apartment, filled with static dead matter, versus the traditional environment of the forest, filled with living things, higher vibrations, and more pure energy (set and setting).
Feeling already negligent of many factors that should have been taken into consideration, there was still this struggle to fight the experience and try with every last ounce of survival to ground self back into “reality”
there was still this struggle to fight the experience and try with every last ounce of survival to ground self back into “reality”
. Fortunately, (saying that now) aya was the driver, and was just a parcel along for the ride to acquire insight into what life, existence, consciousness, self, may or may not be, it hasn’t been what is or was thought, and has been made even more difficult for someone trying to make sense of what exactly is going on here. We have many avenues of information to fill in the blank for us, in terms of religion, philosophy, government, mysticism, etc. Shamanism seems to be one of few methodologies to separate from the information-based codex of left brained, type “a” personality and perception of a logical, rational, and “realistic” standpoint of awareness. Remember telling the girlfriend that this experience was really scary, and that wasn’t properly prepared for it, and after that it became even more frightening. Between this point and the rest, remember laying down in the bedroom with the girlfriend, and she was helping to calm the situation, listening to the icaros, staring at the cd player, and feeling like nothing was real, that another dimension of existence would possibly be merged.
Shortly after this feeling, the thought that the entirety of personal existence was simply leading up to this point, and that ayahuasca was a trap, a trick, to lure self into hell, and that self would remain there forever, attempting to cope with this mindset for a while was overwhelming, it just felt like, whoops, shouldn’t have done ayahuasca, now that self will remain in this realm forever. At this point, thought that the girlfriend was the devil, and that she was going to kill self, over and over again, for the rest of eternity, and this fear, was horrid, but seemingly necessary as ayahuasca is meant to be a teacher plant, that helps us conquer fear, disseminate ego, and bring out the best in one’s self.
Suddenly, during this moment of sheer agony, started questioning the girlfriend about everyday life, to attempt re-grounding self back into the normal “reality”. Asked her questions about her job, if she could be anything, what would she be? Asking her questions about the job of self, and just trying to make a connection back to the ordinary. After a while, the feeling of being trapped in hell diminished, and felt that this was part of the experience, and that there is much more to be realized in further ventures, through ayahuasca, magick, meditation, thinking, and everything else we do in our lives to make sense of what is occurring.
The overall message was slow down! The answers will come when you’re ready, don’t go too deep too fast, which makes a lot of sense as human beings we are all slowly but surely coming to realize our full potential. There is much more that could be written about this initiatory experience, in terms of philosophy, and how to justify our rationale of consciousness and life, but it feels like it is unfolding to us as intended, and even though we all have similar and different perspectives of existence, everyone is different, and learning at their own pace, and as we come to understand, we will take with us the experiences gained, to ascertain our place in this realm and beyond, not disregard anything as meaningless, every little portion contributes to a grandiose entirety of what we are, where we’re coming from, and where we’re going to, let go of the inhibitions, and allow “true will” to unfold as we continue to come into revelation of what is, and is not.
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