Citation: FluxRebirth. "It Doesn't Matter: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (exp107497)". Erowid.org. Jan 6, 2015. erowid.org/exp/107497
###Warning Wrote on Armodafinil###
I had been depressed for a very long time, had social anxiety and recently had once again become apathetic and suicidal. I decided to quit weed, as when I wasn’t stoned everything seemed pointless and I wanted to kill myself but couldn’t find the motivation to get up and do it. Then when I was stoned I just sat there just a little less bored changing TV channels I never found anything I wanted to watch but didn’t have the motivation to put something on I didn’t even get up to find munchies.
Luckily I had found out how to use darknet markets if I didn’t have access to them I would have started drinking and most likely I wouldn’t have survived that again. I decided to use this time to cross some drugs off my list so I got some; salvia 20x and DMT. The salvia arrived first I tried it the first night and felt really stoned, then again the second day with a little more and felt incredibly stoned.
It was roughly 11:20pm the third day and I went into my bedroom, prepared my improvised bong and packed a cone of salvia I had no scales so I just eyeballed it, it was about a ½ cone roughly 10mg. Based on my previous experiences I was almost convinced I had been sold ridiculously strong strange looking weed maybe a synth but at this point I didn’t care. I smoked the cone and held it in for a minute and then released and could feel it slowly getting stronger.
Slowly I fade into a digital world I can still see all that’s around me, it is somehow different. The colours change around me what I focus on turns fluoro pink with the background being fluoro yellow everything now has a ‘digital’ look it is hard to describe but seems very computer like.
As the drug begins to take effect I begin losing energy and decide to lie on the bed and surrender to the trip. I close my eyes and end up stuck unable to move. I am no longer in my room but seem instead to be within a large empty curved field. I begin receiving pulses of physical pain all through my body much like electricity at a regular interval. There is a pink floating mass above me it does not appear to be a solid but seems to almost flow around itself with a jelly-like consistency. The mass is the same fluoro pink as witnessed at the beginning where there is existence and a glowing yellow where conscious activity is occurring. This mass is sending down the pulses of electricity, I can see a red beam come down to me every time and then the jolt of electricity hits me. It is never said but I know the pink mass is everything that exists, every atom in the universe and every living creature.
I am still trapped it feels like I’ve been stuck for 3 years, the pulses have continued the entire time
it feels like I’ve been stuck for 3 years, the pulses have continued the entire time
the same interval seemingly every minute. At this point I’ve given up I want to die but I still can’t move I cannot find a way to end it but I can also see the end I can see my death and beyond it. Beyond my demise is only the same existence again an infinite repetition, I cannot experience beyond my death I can only experience my life. At this point I realise even if I did die it wouldn’t change anything this experience is my eternity there is nothing outside of it, it is all i can know. The fact that I was suffering is merely a sign I was alive, as long as I still exist and have an experience that’s all that matters, stopping the experience does nothing, after this realisation the pulses stop.
The pulses may have stopped however I am still stuck unable to move it feels as though I have been here for a few more months now. Up until now i still know who I am even if I have forgotten i took the salvia and I'm perplexed that this has been my existence. After this time of observing everything I realise I am part of the mass causing my own suffering, now a green aura appears around me. I no longer want to die I realise I don’t need anything I have all I want already, it doesn’t matter where I am in the end. I am one with the mass, one with everything merely a small part of the universe existing so that it may experience itself.
I have just died and gone through a rebirth, I lose all sense of self at this moment movement is possible however there is no desire to leave. My consciousness lies in awe of everything, it is simultaneously one being and an infinite number of separate beings, and everything is one. At this point a realisation occurs, there is no meaning to life it does not matter what happens. After you die it doesn’t matter where you were in life, you are dead! All that matters is that you have lived you had an experience, all anyone should do in life is what they want, the only way to live life is how you want you need to be who you are, everything will work out in the end as long as you be you.
I went through a death and rebirth during the experience I became one with all. I existed in many forms; consciousness, body, movement, thought and many beyond possible explanation, all entirely separate senses from each other while connected to each other. I also experienced the mass’ life it is everything, and nothing existed outside of it all life is merely a small part of its experience.
I have learned all I needed to and now open my eyes and try to leave the room, I feel as though I am going to be sick and rush to the exit. The light is still on in my room so I go turn it off as I leave however I flick the switch before I open the door so my room is pitch black, CRITICAL MISTAKE! As soon as the light is off I no longer know how to walk, I cling to the wall to stay upright while I try and work out where in the room I am and how to move. I guess I’m at the opposite side of the room to where I actually am even though I only just turned the light off. I don’t think I can make it to the light switch I can’t see or move. After clinging there for around 1 hour while time is still being dilated I’ve lost most of my balance and eventually slide down the wall to the floor.
I lie there trying to get up but can't then I remember I have a device called a ‘phone’ that has a torch. I pull the ‘phone’ out of my pocket and push the lock button, however I have no idea how to use this strange magical device. The screen is displaying a number pad used to unlock the device, seeing this I believe that I have to do some strange hand movement to unlock the ‘phone’. I do not understand the movement I need to do so I start waving my hand around in front of the device not actually touching it, I can’t do the magic movement to unlock the ‘phone’. At this point the screen times out on the ‘phone’ and I am absorbed by the darkness again. As the device turned off I think that the ‘phone’ is broke and can not be used again so I put it away.
I begin to feel the need to vomit, I can feel it crawl up my throat the burning sensation slowing reaching my mouth, I cover my mouth with my hands but that was not enough it goes everywhere I can feel it on; the walls, the carpet and me. In this moment of panic I finally remember how to use a ‘phone’ so I proceed to unlock it and enter my pin. To my astonishment I have figured out the magic hand movement require to unlock it. Now I just need to figure out how to reach the torch, for 5 minutes I am swiping the screen trying to get it. i cant remember exactly how to reach to torch so I keep changing menus overlooking the torch button constantly. Finally I remember how to reach the torch but my hand movements keep missing the button. Then after many failed attempts I manage to get my hand to touch the right button. The light come's on and then hoorah I’m back I know what’s happening. I stand up and turn the light and I’m elated to find that my room is clean nothing happened I was just tripping so hard I believed I vomited.
I now leaving the room still ecstatic that I understand a 'phone'. I go to the toilet because I’m not sure what’s happening and I still feel like munting. I wait in that room for what feels like months all the while seeing fluoro pixelated spheres dance before my eyes in the common pink and yellow colours. As the imagery dance before me I being to hear some background noise build, it slowly increases in volume. The sound appears to be a language, none that I have ever heard before but I just know it’s a language it is following regular patters in its speech the sound has now built to the point that it is clear it sounds much like a shamanic chant. I can still not understand its words but it is telling me something, transferring ideas to me with no need for me to hear them spoken.
While sitting in the toilet I have another epiphany. I have now been there with the language and spheres for what feels like weeks, with my sense of self fading in to provide commentary on what I am being told, making it much clearer. Followed by fading out causing me to again feel connected to everything as one. I now understand that life itself is pointless so an individual’s only real meaning is what an individual wants. If you want to be an astronaut “Just do it” if you want to do it don’t take no, you are only here to experience what you want to experience. The only exception being if what you want directly conflicts with another, live and let live don’t cause another to suffer if everyone did this you in turn will not be caused to suffer. Who cares about another’s opinion if they have a bad opinion of my choices then do I want to know them? No, ones choices cannot be wrong if someone does not like your choice they have the problem not you.
I begin to feel better so I proceed to the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror for a long time laughing a little at just how fried I look.
In the bathroom I had the most important realisation with the most grounding in reality out of all those that night. The voice was still chanting to me, I understood the ideas it conveyed but not the individual words, my inner voice came through every now and then to translate certain parts. However after this massive realisation I left the room feeling absolutely godly and as soon as I passed the doorway I forgot it. In short the realisation was “it doesn’t matter” absolutely nothing matters.
I proceed back to my bedroom to recover, I have mostly come down by this point but I feel terrible. As I enter the room I suddenly feel the urge to vomit, it can’t wait and explodes out. It was real this time, I collapse on the ground due to exhaustion. Kneeling on the ground in front of the mess I have no energy to move, eventually I gather the strength to sit up, I sit up cross-legged staring at what I’ve done not thinking, not moving. As I have no strength to move or clean up I decide instead to try to understand tonight to make sense of what occurred, it was not possible the night had no logic no sense could be made of it. I sat there meditating, I had never meditated before nor did I know this was what I was doing at the time, I existed as an observer experiencing the universe.
I averted my gaze from the mess, to the carpet around and chose a spot to observe. It looked much like what rock paths look like in the pokemon series, mainly a plain flat brown dirt with the occasional small rock sitting atop it. I sit like this for months while observing; I had no conscious thought however my subconscious was running a million miles an hour trying to understand that which cannot be understood. Eventually the thought just popped into my head it was an idea produced from the background process “it doesn’t matter”, it doesn’t even matter that I can’t remember the most significant thing that happened that night and possibly my life. I had an astounding experience the best and most bizarre experience of my life in which I learnt all that I'd needed and tried to learn for many years prior.
I was almost completely sober and tried to pull the fragments of my shattered mind back together.
I was almost completely sober and tried to pull the fragments of my shattered mind back together.
I struggled up, stumbled out to the couch and collapsed I did not move for the next 4 hours. The morning after I not only felt like a god I was a god. I spent all day doing homework I had put off for the last few months, finished that then messaged some friends and hung out with them. To me that felt like quite an achievement.
Overall I’m not sure how long the experience lasted in real time, to me it went for decades with certain parts existing outside of time. I now know who I want to be and I feel unstoppable, I am driven by something that will never cease, never surrender no matter how shit things get, not that they could get shit I have lived through hell, any day I’m alive is the best day of my life.
I have this drug that is outlawed in my country to thank for me being above ground today It did no harm only good and truly changed my life. That night cured my depression and ended my suicidal thoughts that I have lived with for near half my life, and now months later I am the happiest I’ve been in roughly 8 years.
My social anxiety faded after that night I’m still trying to learn who I am but I do finally like myself.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.