Citation: IgnominousIntrovert. "Terror Dissociation and Loss of the Self: An Experience with 25I-NBOMe (exp107363)". Erowid.org. Dec 6, 2015. erowid.org/exp/107363
First and foremost, I want to say I have been an avid reader of Erowid reports since I was a freshman in high school, and this is my first ever submission describing the hellish anguish I endured. Currently, I am 20 years old, a junior in college, and attempting to write this report with as much vivid detail as my mind will recall. I hope you don't mind that the story will most likely not be sequential and/or in chronological order.
I would like to consider myself a very motivated individual, and somewhat academically inclined. A disclaimer: I have a tendency to be a bit narcissistic. I have experimented with a multitude of drugs, and have always had impulsive tendencies (my Id gets the best of me sometimes). Anyway, I always enjoy when the author lists the drugs he/she has tried. Thus far I have experimented with: Cannabis, alcohol, MDMA, MDA, benzos, opiates, DXM, LSD, Mushrooms, Nitrous Oxide, Adderall/amphetamines, Diphenhydramine, 2C-B, 2C-I, Salvia apiana, and a slew of other drugs that are not coming to mind. Back to the Story.
I had recently gotten a new girlfriend who I will refer to as S (this is important later in the story). My notorious train-wreck of a trip occurred February 2nd, 2013. I know the exact date, because it conjures up images of hell, and was the first (and only) bad trip I had ever had. Anyways, my friends R, O, J, A, and M decided we wanted to get obliterated in the realm of what we thought was going to be LSD. I recall that we were waiting at our local Starbucks for hours trying to obtain some good ol' fashioned dose. Wrong. We collectively became extremely excitable when our sophomore friends said that they could get 'acid' from a friend of theirs. Fast forward an hour.
There we were. At our local park in a predominately white, somewhat affluent community (suburbs). I looked at R's palm as he unwrapped the tinfoil, and four tabs of white-paper 'acid' reflected off the street light (M had already had a tab for some reason). I don't know why, but I have a very distinct memory of M saying, 'Let's go to Neverland.' Readers, it is paramount to know that M was the ONLY one, with pure, high-quality Lysergic acid. At this point in my life, I had mostly dabbled with psilocybin, and once or twice with dose. I didn't know any better when my whole face went numb from eating the tab.
Guys, this was probably the most bitter substance I have ever consumed in my life. I recall A spitting his out on the street, well, because he was a bit hesitant of the psychedelic. His intuition proved him right. I knew something was wrong when I felt myself coming up within five minutes of ingestion. Ten minutes had passed and I was certainly losing my cognitive functions. I remember thinking to myself ,'Something will go wrong.' And it did.
I remember thinking to myself ,'Something will go wrong.' And it did.
As we walked around the park in an intoxicated stupor, we all practically lost the ability to effectively communicate by the thirty minute mark. If you have experienced telepathic communication in a trip (I had previously experienced this with mushrooms) then you will have a better comprehension of this abstract concept. At first, this realm was astonishing. I could feel my friends' energy, and felt hypersensitive to the sensations that encompassed me. The sound and light wavelengths started to become too much, but not unbearable. I still knew I had not come to my peak yet. As we walked to a nearby smoke area, R and I decided we wanted to smoke. This is hilarious, because all we had to do was look at the pipe, and then look back at each other and we knew we wanted to blaze. I remember M smoking a cigarette and saying the most outrageous comment.
'I don't know if I'm smoking this cigarette, or if this cigarette is smoking me.' I laughed pretty hard. Keep in mind he was on real acid, and was in what I perceived as the most collective demeanor he has ever exhibited.
This was when everything went wrong. After smoking weed for a few minutes I started to become paranoid, and consumed by the hallucinations. My god. The hallucinations.
After smoking weed for a few minutes I started to become paranoid, and consumed by the hallucinations. My god. The hallucinations.
The were the most unreal experience I have ever witnessed in my life. They did not come close to resembling what I might experience with mushrooms or LSD. No, this felt artificial. Then my grip on reality loosened. As we were walking, I started to bump into things. This was probably the point when I mentally felt I had lost all control, and essentially went insane. I became frightened when my vision became so consumed by hallucinations I thought I was going blind. The streets had absolutely no continuity nor sense of geometry. It was a slew of chaos and this is when the trip became metaphysical. At the time, I was living at my dad's house and I kept envisioning in my distressed state that I had gone home in handcuffs a thousand times. I was delusional. It was almost as if my thought process was in a loop. A limbo where I felt I could not escape. I was in a lucid state where I was coming into and out of reality.
A and R started to get worried about me. R and A were my best friends at the time (and still are) and they knew they had to take me to a calmer environment. In retrospect, I think what scared them the most was the fact that I was the most experience tripper and I was losing my shit. As we walked to the golf course, I felt a little bit better. The switch in environment definitely abated my paranoid state of mind. R comforted me and said, 'Dude text your girlfriend, you'll feel better.'
'Yeah, man and listen to some of this music with me!' J commented.
This was the point when I knew that they had consumed less of the 25i than me ( I know it was 25i for a fact, keep reading). I put on the earphone
'I am the egg man, they are the egg men
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob, '
These lyrics fueled the fire for mayhem.
Apparently, this was the moment when we decided to walk back to the park. This is when things got bad. I recall when we arrived at the park, we ran into some somewhat friends of ours that were being really loud at the park. They weren't tripping but were drinking and smoking weed. I kept visually seeing blue and red sirens and the voices of police officers in my head.
The auditory hallucinations made me feel out of control. Wait, me, there was NO me. I had no identity. If any of you are sociology majors like me, then you will be familiar with classical theorists such as George Herbert Mead and Charles Horton Cooley. Cooley discusses an interesting concept called 'the looking-glass self.' Basically what this concept means is we look to others and see their reactions of us. We look at those reactions and internalize them as our actual selves. Trippy, I know. Mead also discusses the self, but in a symbolic interactionist fashion. He says there is no self and we develop our identity through interactions. Therefore, infants have no identity and just mimic the gestures that we exhibit. It's hard to wrap your mind around, I know. Psychology lovers will get this too. I talk about these guys because their theories were what I was experiencing. An Ego death. I had no identity. Andre did not exist. I wasn't even an organism. I was this thing, however, not connected to the world around me like mushrooms and LSD yielded.
'Get down! Put your hands on the ground!'
*Whooooooppp' *police sirens*
There were none.
My friends were worried about me. I wasn't right in the head.
They took me to their car trying to figure out what to do with me. R told me to text me my girlfriend and the conversation went something like this:
R immediately grabbed my phone, and I was dumbfounded. I felt so out of control and incompetent.
This is when the cops came. For real.
The light shined in our car, as we were tripping balls.
'Get out of the car please.
Line up over on the curb.
Do you guys know why we were called here?'
'No,' I stammered.
'Well, we were called here because of a noise complaint.'
The terror that became a reality finally started to dissipate. Four hours had probably passed and I was starting to come down. I consider myself and empathic person, and I analyzed the police officer's face. It was a Friday night at probably 11pm and they perceived us as losers almost. It's weird to say that, but that's what I felt. The expression on the officer's face was not open to interpretation. He was clearly viewing this situation as a waste of his time, tedious, coupled with 'you guys are losers' look. This is when I felt like a complete and utter moron. I said 'Thanks, officer' and shook his hand. I shook his hand! What an idiot. To this day I do not know what compelled me to do that but I did.
They said to leave the park and that they would escort us out. uh-oh. You know what that means. R, O and J had to DRIVE their cars! Still very much hallucinating. However, we were in a situation where we had no other choice. The law told us to leave, so we did! I wasn't worried at that point because we were much more coherent. being in the car was actually pretty fun, but I was still shook up from the whole experience. R didn't have trouble driving and I was anxious to go home.
Please, never do 25i. I think it is one of the worst drugs possible and my sophomore friends told me that the dealer had dosed the tabs at 700 micrograms to 1 gram. This is cruel. On top of selling us fake acid, he overdosed them. So disturbing.
Have safe, and let the spiritual energy take you, do not fight it! Accept your situation and acknowledge what you can do to better your self. Haha, self. I have always thought of myself as a good person, and impervious to bad trips, but it happened. Granted on 25i, but still. Be careful guys.
Much Love. Sorry it wasn't as descriptive, first story ever.
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