Citation: Humbled. "Love Is the Purpose: An Experience with DMT & Syrian Rue (exp106746)". Erowid.org. Mar 14, 2020. erowid.org/exp/106746
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Setting is Friday night after work. At home, by myself and Max my dog. I live in Florida so it was raining outside, sky was dark, streets were quiet. I had been preparing for this for at least a couple weeks. I had lined up everything piecemeal until I had everything I needed included good DMT from a trusted source, whole Syrian Rue seeds that I had measured and ground up a couple days before in anticipation of lifting off, empty gelatin caps to make sure everything went down easy and unpleasant tastes were omitted to prevent it from affecting my experience. This was my very first time with DMT, before this, I had only smoked weed and taken a light load of shrooms just two times.
8:40 PM I take 3 grams of ground up Syrian Rue seeds distributed among 10 size 00 gelatin caps. I set my kitchen timer for 45 minutes and continue to tidy up, take a shower, play some chill music. 45 minutes and I still donít really feel much, by this time Iím laying in bed feeling very comfy with soft blankets and pillows around me, light has been turned down to cast a soft glow. I decide to wait another 15 minutes to extend the period to 1 hour to ensure the MAOI takes effect. By this time, close to an hour, and Iím definitely feeling a body highóalmost as if I had smoked weed, but the feeling is distributed all over my body. I feel heavy, relaxed, itís hard to get up to go pee. These effects encourage me to finally take the DMT I had encapsulated in a gel tab. Before taking it I take a couple deep breaths, close my eyes and send out a feeling of respect and acceptance to whatever might come.
9:50 PM and Iím surprised that Iím already feeling what I think are the effects of DMT. I feel high, no visual patterns yet, but definitely feeling something happening in my body. I have to pee again and this time, the effects of the Syrian Rue seeds are full blown and are making me feel nauseas as soon as I get up. I stumble to the bathroom where I start retching wanting to throw up. Thankfully, I skipped dinner in anticipation of the nausea and vomiting that is so common with this plant seed. The retching would continue throughout the night in waves about 45 minutes to 1 hour apart, every time retching about 3 or 4 times in intense spasms that would make me double-over in an uncontrollable manner. During these episodes of vomiting I remember thinking I had given up control of my body and to just ride it through. I ended up throwing up all the water that I had taken to ingest both the Rue and DMT, but the substances were already flowing in my body.
After coming back into my bedroom from the bathroom the first time I take my phone since I was listening to Spotify and wanted to control the music. By this time, I had turned off my light and had been laying in bed in darkness. As soon as I pick up my phone the screen comes on and I see a trail of green light following the movements of my phone in my had. I audibly say, ďWhoa!Ē and proceed to play a bit with it making shapes in the air as Iím captivated by the trail of light as if I was a fire dancer.
I lay back in bed and try to remain very still as I realize that itís the only way to prevent the nausea from taking over causing me to retch again. As Iím laying in bed, perfectly still, I feel like Iím falling, like the right side of my body is slipping down a slope. If someone had been there with me, I would have said, ďhelp me, Iím slipping!Ē I know Iím laying in bed, perfectly flat so I think itís funny, but the uncomfortable feeling of falling continues. I start thinking about my life, where Iím at and how Iíve been feeling like Iíve been stagnating at work. I think about my childhood and how I grew up sexually repressed and in the closet and how Iíve always looked towards the future as some place out there where my life would truly begin. I realize that looking in the future and hoping for a better tomorrow was a coping mechanism, I way to help me get through a childhood where being gay was not okay. A childhood where I didnít really feel like myself because I had to hide who I was in order not to draw attention to my mannerisms or my sensitivity that would cause others to take note and start ridiculing me. As Iím laying in bed, I realize that that coping mechanism is archaic, outdated and no longer useful, but still such a strong way of how I see the world that itís one of the reasons why Iím stagnating. I realize that life is NOW and that Iíll regret not shedding this outdated method of being and thinking thatís preventing me from living a life that I know Iím capable of attaining if I just let go of the fear. I start thinking of the progress Iíve made with myself, the newfound feelings of security and confidence in myself I had been developing ever since I decided to take charge of my emotional well-being a couple years ago. I feel proud and start smiling at myself and congratulating myself for being able to overcome that childhood and come to that momentís realization that Iím in control of my life from now on and that, even though itís going to take time to completely get rid of that former way of thinking, itís indeed possible and all I have to do is remind myself of that. I start thinking about the guy Iíve been dating and the fear that had thus far prevented me from truly opening up after a devastating breakup a couple years prior. I realize that, again, itís fear taking over and that I have to overcome it if Iím to truly live the life I want. I make up my mind then and there that I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend once and for all.
Itís about 1.5 hours into my trip, about 11:30 PM and now Chattr Chakkr Vartee by Snatam Kaur is playing from my wireless speaker that I take from the nightstand and hold close to my chest as I listen to the haunting melody. It envelops me, takes me far away into a steamy jungle setting, somewhere in pre-imperial India where a wave of nostalgia hits me out of nowhere. Iíve never traveled to India, but a feeling that I had been there, in this jungle setting takes hold and I feel certain of it. Itís a feeling of nostalgia, sadness, regret, intense longing and what Brazilians call saudades all mixed into one. I start feeling tears running down my face, I feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness, first because I miss this place Iíve never been to with such intensity that hold myself in a ball and squeeze every muscle in my body. The feeling of sadness is overwhelming and I start crying audibly through gritted teeth the feeling is so intense. I have snot in my hose, every orifice seems to be leaking sadness. No pain, just a dull ache that takes over and pervades every corner of my body. I feel it in my chest most intensely, but also in my arms so much so that again I just have to hold myself. Then, suddenly, I realize that Iím feeling what the jungle is now feeling. What plants everywhere are feeling. What Mother Nature herself is feeling at this very moment. I realize that DMT has caused me to open a connection where I can feel the intense magnitude of sadness that the entire natural world is feeling as her oceans are polluted, her forests plundered and rape, her special animals all decimated indiscriminately one by one by us and I start apologizing. ďIím so so sorry, I had no idea!Ē comes out of my mouth and I feel guilty and sad for being human, a member of a species with so much blood in their hands. I go out to the living room and look for Max, my beautiful little dog and take him to my bed where I cuddle with him and caress him. He looks so beautifully innocent and I just stare at him as he nuzzles me and lays on his back in apparent ecstasy as I pat him and rub his belly and caress his cheeks and scratch his little head. I replay the song over and over again letting go and just immersing myself in the feeling of sadness and I feel enveloped, warm, comfortable and I know I must do somethingóanythingóto help, even if it means picking up the next piece of trash I see in the streets.
Intermittently I retch again, double over in my bed, a pail next to my bed to catch any release that never comes. I slowly come to and realize that the experience is passing and I feel humbled at the magnitude of sheer, raw sadness I just felt. Iím thankful and I lay in bed for a little longer. By this time itís about 1 AM and Iím feeling a bit disappointed that I didnít see anything since so many of the reports I read are from people recounting the visuals they saw. I consider taking another hit of DMT, this time smoked. I waver for a bit, but a voice inside me says, ďwhat are you waiting for, you know youíre going to do it anyway.Ē I chuckle and begin to prepare my bong by sandwiching another 50 mg of DMT between some ash. I sit up in bed and again say a little prayer, deeply breathing and take one big hit, hold it in for about 5 seconds, let it out and immediately lay back in bed.
I look up as the fan is turning and suddenly the ceiling and fan start to melt and a snake like transparent pattern is overlaid in my field of vision. I feel a body high, I canít move, Iím sure I was probably drooling. I think Iím feeling the effects of what a heroin addict might feel after shooting up. I give into the feeling and the sheer, raw, primal animal in me awakens. Iím a strong, muscled, feline-like panther writhing in bed as Iím making my way out of the birth canal. I roar and feel powerful. I flex my muscles, bring my clenched fists close to my face, extend my arms over my head, throw my head back and bend backwards as Iím laying in bed. An overwhelming desire to destroy takes over, a feeling that can only be described as thanatos by the ancient greeksóa death drive, the opposite of eros. Iím still in control and put a pause to that line of thinking. The rational human being is still there, always had been and now steps in to curb the feeling.
I close my eyes again and I start seeing a tunnel made of walls with geometric patterns swirling. Iím moving in this tunnel slowly, comfortably, no fear and then I feel like Iíve arrived home. My ďfamilyĒ welcomes me and tells me theyíve been waiting for me. This family is not my immediate family, theyíre ancient beings that have roamed the universe for eons. I canít picture them, I just feel them. Itís a different way of seeing, but theyíre there. Oh so there. I feel welcomed and an overwhelming sense of belonging takes hold. Iíve missed them so much and Iíve realized that all my life Iíve searched for them. Ever since I was a kid, the question of them, the promise of them, has always been there in the back of my mind. This methodically thought out and planned DMT trip was them calling, they had been calling me all along and I, through some sixth sense, had known to do it this way. For 27 years Iíve been searching for them and I had finally found them! I was ecstatic and I start asking questions which there are no audible answers to because I already know.
They tell me this is the only way they knew to figure out life as well. Theyíre also been searchers, theyíve also asked the question of being and purpose I have always had and itís driven them as powerfully as itís driven me. We share that in common, weíre innate explorers, itís what makes us who we are as beings and that tie is so strong I understand why they sent me here. I am a a scout. Theyíve sent me here to earth to live, unapologetically and passionately, in hope that my doing so would help them discover their purpose, too. They donít know why theyíre here either and they want so badly to knowólike meóand Iím their only chance. Theyíve entrusted me with this great mission and now I have to step up and make them proud. They now Iím capable, thatís the reason they sent me and nobody else.
I tell them Iím going to miss them that I want to be with them, they tell me I canít until my mission is over and to not be concerned because I now know how to contact them at anytime. I have the key that unlocks our connection and I can reach them anytime I want, but that now I must go back and live and love.
An overwhelming desire to say I love you takes hold, the words come out in a language Iíve never heard, noises just come out of my mouth and itís our language. An ancient language that is in my DNA and I innately know how to speak out of instinct.
They leave and I know what I must do. I turn to my phone and text the guy Iíve been dating and I know I have to open up and love him.
I ask him to come over, he does.
I ask him to be my boyfriend, he says yes.
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