Citation: rhizome. "Iīll Come Along When Iīm Ready: An Experience with Salvia divinorum (10x extract) (exp10562)". Erowid.org. Nov 15, 2001. erowid.org/exp/10562
Iīve long wanted to try Salvia, but I didnīt really know much about it. The way it is advertised in grow shops around here may lead you to believe (as it was for me) that itīs more or less a marijuana substitute. Well, I did some reading online, where it is stressed several times that it is NOT so, but I still walked into the local grow shop with this image in my head; I had been planning to try it for weeks, months actually, but when I finally bought it it was because I didnīt have much weed left
I had planned to buy dried Salvia leaves, but they only had a vial (.5 gram) of 10X left, so thatīs what I got. Iīm describing my attitude in-depth because I think itīs important for understanding my reactions to the Experience. Iīm not a very experienced drug user (except for marijuana which Iīve been smoking regularly and in large amounts for years), but I never took anything else until 8 months ago, when I tried MDMA (and it was a great first MDMA trip; pure MDMA dissolved in water; it had everything, including (quite strong) open eye visuals - Iīve never experienced anything like it on Ecstasy tablets - for obvious reasons of impurity - which Iīve taken once in a while since), then a little experimenting around with speed and coke (quite a bit) and once a quarter hit of acid, in combination with loooots of ecstasy, but that was after a two day rave so it only made the film we were watching (The Game) a lot weirder than it normally is. Oh, and once a 'contact high', really unbelievable. A friend of mine had taken 1,5 hits of acid, the other three of us hadnīt, and we were all completely tripping (the others have quite an experience of LSD, so it wasnīt just my imagination). As you see, I donīt really have much drug experience, but Iīm constantly expanding it
coke and speed are fun, but Iīm more interested in the really hallucinogenic stuff, because it expands my consciousness.
I have gone through quite a change during the last nine or ten months (it started before my first MDMA, but it certainly was boosted by it; I still keep getting visuals or just drifting off staring at the clouds - that sort of thing). I used to be a really rationally thinking person, well I guess Iīm still rather rational and though I now know there are flows of energy in the world that totally elude scientific explanation, I find (found? Iīm not quite sure today
) it hard to believe in aliens and that sort of weirder stuff described in some trip reports, especially on DMT. But a year ago I wouldnīt even have admitted that anything apart from the scientifically explicable universe could exist, along with a strong rejection of religion (opium of the people ;-) ) and especially anything that sounded even remotely esoteric. Okay, I still believe natural laws are a model (though imperfect) for explaining the universe, Iīm still not into religion and think the major religions are more of a political power tool, and if anyone comes and approaches me with a booklet of cosmic prayers and all I have to do is join them or donate a few hundred dollars and thatīll save my soul, well fuck off (though I respect other peopleīs convictions, I just donīt like them imposing them on anybody else), but I now _know_ there are energies, forces, call them what you might, that flow through our world - I donīt just believe this, I _feel_ them. My perception of the world has been fundamentally altered.
So you see I did start off on my first Salvia experience with a fairly open and receptive mind, but not really believing any of the 'Lady Salvia' reports (I avoided reading too many so as not to be influenced by them) and just expecting a 'very potent marijuana substitute', as the ad on a grow shop homepage says
Just a few more words on myself: Iīm 24, female, a student. Iīm from (well, ok, letīs not leave too many clues lying around
) a European capital but Iīm currently studying in another European country. As Iīve only been here for a short while, I donīt know anyone well enough to trust them to be my sitter, which is a pity. I was all right without one, but it certainly would have been reassuring and pleasant to have one. I recommend it strongly to anyone embarking on the Salvia voyage.
I got home from my shopping trip around 7 p.m. and could hardly wait to finally try out the Holy Smoke. I had also purchased a small bong. The guy in the shop said the 0.5 gram of Salvia divinorum 10X extract would be enough for about ten trips, so I - having no scales - tried to estimate a little less than half the recommended amount for the first hit. Itīs hard to tell, really, with such small amounts. (My estimate is that I had 1/20 of a gram in total.) I opened the vial, the smell was quite pleasant (I had been a bit apprehensive about smoking something thatīs household herb relative has such a strong and unpleasant taste - ever tried salvia tea against throat-ache? Itīs incredibly bitter but it does help
), and I carefully let a few of the small black flakes fall into the bowl. It didnīt have a screen, so I put a bit of tobacco on the bottom in order to prevent it from falling through the hole - thatīs probably not a very good idea, I guess Iīll have to improvise something else. I was so excited that I forgot to close the hole on the bong
so I sucked in mainly air with a pleasant herby flavour. I instantly refilled it and smoked properly this time, and suddenly, when I wanted to refill it once more, I got this really weird feeling in my head. It was being pulled, or rather it felt as though there was something on the sides of my head, so I could only move it up and down or backwards and forwards but couldnīt turn. Itīs hard to explain, these restrictions were as strong as steel plates, but at the same time I knew it was a channel in the air in which I had been placed. I moved my head in a nodding motion for a few moments, just to try this out, and because I felt I had to, and then took my third hit.
Now this was really weird. I still was in my room, sitting on my bed, alone in the apartment except for my cat. But I wasnīt. I was in my room, a US college student, my two friends were in the room upstairs, the one on the left side of the stairs. I was afraid theyīd come in now and see me in this state, because we had planned to go somewhere. The dog was sleeping in the living room. My parents might come home any time, driving the car up the road. I was aware of the fact that this could not be, Iīve never even been to the US, havenīt lived with my parents for five years, I donīt like dogs, it was all wrong. I knew that I was in my apartment, here, alone, with my cat looking at me in a puzzled way. I started explaining to Someone that they must have confused me with someone else, that I wasnīt a US college student (male, btw). I started getting a bit worried because apparently it was time to go but I felt like Iīd been mixed up with someone, that it wasnīt me who should be going, I wasnīt sure. Then I started asking myself 'who are you explaining this to?', but instantly apologized because Someone (I donīt feel like writing Something, though I could see no-one, but it was a strong feeling of a person or entity of some kind, though neither male nor female) was waiting for me to come along, but I was getting scared they might get angry because I wasnīt the right person, I felt like an intruder, like a day tourist at the meeting point of an expedition to the Amazon rain forest, taking someone else's place.
I started feeling guilty about having taken Salvia like this, just intending to have some fun, not taking it seriously. I apologized, I hadnīt expected this. Then I thought 'this is stupid, this isnīt having any effect on me', and then I started staring at the shade of the bedside lamp, which has a sort of leathery structure; itīs yellowish-brown and with the light shining through it looked like veins or some kind of hide. I got really absorbed by it for a while, but then I started feeling uncomfortable and anyway I wasnīt sure whether I wasnīt just wishing so much for visuals that I was imagining them (in a sort of 'I want visuals, so hey, look at this structure, isnīt it interesting' way - it felt a bit artificial). I got up and tried to go to the living room, it was very difficult to move. I was walking in the same kind of 'channels' that were confining my head; I could see the channels like routes in the air of the room and the corridor, though they had no walls they had walls strong as steel, actually they had a very 'steely' feeling to them, they were at the same time visible and not visible. The only thing that was absolutely indisputable was that I couldnīt leave them. I had to move along these channels, or corridors, there was no way of going sideways through the walls (I tried a few times because I felt I couldnīt let It do this to me), I was almost being pushed along them, or pulled, it was the same kind of feeling Iīd initially had with my head. Things werenīt better in the living room, I didnīt feel safer, so I went back to my room through the other channel (it wasnīt the same one Iīd used on my way to the living room; Iīd seen it then, but each channel had its clearly designated purpose), or rather I was pushed back by an invisible hand in the small of my back, sometimes between my shoulder blades.
I got into my room, sat on my bed, where my cat was staring at me with a puzzled, slightly worried expression. I made an attempt to stroke it, but it was really difficult. Sometimes my hand would move only with the greatest effort and sometimes it would just slide down the cat's back with incredible force and speed, being pulled. There was also a slightly metal feeling to it (my hand), which I find hard to explain, it just lingers in my memory like a bit from a dream - when you try to grasp it and explain it, itīs gone. Sometimes I stroked the cat so hard he winced, and I felt really sorry for him, but it was very comforting to have him there. I guess heīs the second best thing to a sitter I could find
I talked to the Entity, I think sometimes mentally and sometimes I actually spoke, and explained it was a mistake, that I wasnīt the one who was supposed to come along. I didnīt feel any menace, but there was a slight air of disapproval which was fine though, for at least It had understood I wasnīt the college student. I still had the slight feeling of being in that house Iīve never seen, but it gradually faded. I heard everything very loudly. I could hear the neighbours (that is, my 'real' neighbours) talking in the apartment upstairs, and suddenly I heard the beeping of a telephone, but as loud as if Iīd held it to my ear. (This wasnīt actually any kind of hallucination, I heard it again two days ago, must just be some kind of weird phone; this house has pretty thin walls
but at that moment it was really significant and I didnīt know what to make of it but was sure it meant something.)
I tried lying down on the bed but that didnīt feel good, I felt too constricted, so I just sat there on the side of the bed with my cat, waiting for things to get back to normal. I have no idea how long this took, it canīt have been long, but it felt like half an hour or an hour. When the effects were more or less gone, I lay down for a while, turned off the light and felt like falling asleep, but even though I was really tired I couldnīt sleep (well, it was 8:30 p.m. or so), and I didnīt feel good lying there in bed. Afterwards I sat in the living room, rather shaken and very, very exhausted. Somehow empty. I did not know what to do. Reading or watching TV were so totally out of question
I was really shaken by the experience and knew it had been wrong to try this just for fun. I was relieved that nothing had happened, but I also felt nothing really bad would have happened to me. The Being wasnīt threatening, it was more like a wizened old teacher who is sad because the student cannot yet take the final step. It just was disappointed that I wasnīt prepared to come along. I had a slightly bad conscience because of this, I felt like a fraud, but I also knew it was okay. I had the greatest respect and awe for the plant. I knew I would have to treat it with a very different attitude. It isnīt a recreational drug, but I can learn a lot - if, that is, I am prepared to go along.
I eventually spent a while reading a few reports online - I hadnīt read many of the ones dealing with Lady Salvia or entities before, and I guess I had just mentally skipped the 'teacher plant' references, because, as I mentioned before, I tend(ed) not to believe these things. I felt relieved and comforted when I read that other people had encountered It, too. Directly after my experience, sitting on the living room couch, and to some extent during the experience, while in that OTHER house, I had wondered about how I was experiencing this and whether this wasnīt just one of my strange fantasies. In fact, this feeling was rather strong during the experience, when I knew the friends were upstairs, the dog, what the house looked like, etc., I had a feeling of 'well, okay, I imagine/think things like this all the time, I always have feelings like this, thatīs okay' - well, fact is, I donīt. I have a vivid imagination and sometimes I think really weird things and get weird feelings when sober, and start wondering what is going on in my head - as I said, my perception has changed radically - but Iīve never _been_ somewhere (and someone!) else or even _imagined_ being somewhere in another house while at the same time feeling and knowing Iīm at home
It was way too real, even though I had my eyes open and saw my room. It was like two layers on top of each other, and I could feel the other rooms of the house (the one in some small town or suburb somewhere in the US) there behind the walls of my room which looked like my 'real' room but felt like the OTHER room
Also, when I started asking myself who I was talking to, and started feeling stupid and mocking myself, this was a short moment of trying a 'disbelieve illusion' spell ;-) - but it didnīt work, I ended up explaining to myself that I should keep quiet so as not to upset this Being I was trying to convince
I was greatly comforted afterwards when I read that so many other people had met this Being as well.
This was a very profound experience, though there was a continuous shift between 'so hey, whatīs the effect? I canīt feel anything much' and a total submersion in the experience, struggling not to loose myself in this other person I was (I felt like I was taking over a body but that my mind was being captured by it, I feared I might remain there for ever). I think the reason that I felt it wasnīt having any effects was that everything I was experiencing felt so normal and natural; it was natural for me to be there in that house because I _was_ that person
I sat there in the living room for a long time thinking about Salvia, about the great respect, or even reverence I felt for it. I remembered a friend of mine; we had seen this grow shop leaflet advertising Salvia and thought we might try it sometime. As I said, we thought it was a weed substitute (with probably milder effects) and he was saying 'oh cool, if itīs okay we could just start smoking this, as itīs legal'. I mean, we were thinking about smoking it in joints, mixed with tobacco, like we do with weed and hash
We didnīt know anything about it. We never got round to trying it as we always had plenty of weed, and it wasnīt even cheaper (so why use a substitute, we thought
), and I hope he doesnīt try it before I can warn him. He probably wouldnīt believe me if I told him to be careful with it, that itīs something totally different, extremely powerful and to be used with caution. I found it hard to believe as well.
This was three days ago. I thought about it a lot, and resolved to be very careful and to treat the Plant with respect. Last night I tried it once more. I donīt really know why, I hadnīt planned to, but then I got the feeling that this was the right time. It was three a.m., Iīd been up doing nothing much, I was only slightly tired. Iīd smoked a few joints and had two beers, but during a period of about four or five hours, so it wasnīt really much. I didnīt feel much of the marijuana - I think this is important to state, I donīt think it interfered much. Iīd smoked the last joint an hour ago or so (very little weed left
;) - and I normally smoke a lot more than I did last night. I prepared everything very carefully this time. I made myself some green tea, lit incense and a candle, so as to have a softer light, and enqueued some pleasant music in winamp, though I didnīt turn it on yet. I did not want to be distracted by music while smoking. I took a bit more than the first time (that would be about 1/15 gram in total), though itīs hard to tell (Iīve got to get a reliable measuring instrument!), two hits. I smoked the first hit, held in the smoke for half a minute, then reached for the vial to refill the bowl. Instantly I got the now familiar feeling of a channel, my head moved forward, I was slightly disoriented but not really unpleasantly so. Somehow I managed to refill the bong and smoked the second hit, again holding in the smoke for a long time. Then I lay down comfortably.
I cannot remember as much of this experience as of the first one, though the basic feeling remains very vividly in my mind. It was a different setting, but again I was somewhere, there were friends of mine in another room or somewhere else waiting for me, and Someone was telling me to take my things and come along. This time the invitation was clearer than last time. I also cannot remember being someone else, rather some other 'me'. It was me, but the situation was one I could not quite put my finger on, so it was me in a different situation. The other two people involved this time werenīt close friends (last time they were good friends, but of the college student I was), rather acquaintances from here where Iīm studying (though no person I consciously know). I knew they were waiting. The Entity was there with me, waiting for me to come along. 'Do you want to go on the journey?' It didnīt speak, but it asked me. I had a short vision of the entrance to a dark forest, or a tunnel, where I knew we were going. Then it was a mountain. A rock face (one Iīve seen before, a few hours from here, I drove past last summer). I started seeing different views of this mountain and of others, first from a perspective as if driving past by car, then suddenly I was on it, holding on to the reddish sandstone cliff, but it felt safe. I was climbing, but I knew it wasnīt me, the body was somebody elseīs. There were other people around, and I started wondering whether I was having an out-of-body experience or whether this was a glance into the future. I started thinking the person/me? was going to fall, I had a very strong premonition like 'oh no, heīs going to lose his grip and be smashed to death on the rocks down there' and I started wondering how I could warn them (the person I was seeing in this vision, that is; I started wondering how I could find them and warn them not to go climbing
) - but nothing happened, and the rock face faded away.
I did not feel ready for going on the journey, however, and I told It so. But I donīt know whether the rock climbing episode was before or after that. The Being was disappointed and so was I, slightly, but I knew I couldnīt take the step yet. But It understood perfectly, it was fine, and It will be waiting for me when I finally am ready to go. I did not turn on the music, at first because I couldnīt, and then my cat came on my lap and it felt so reassuring to stroke it that I did not want to move. I lay there for a while, in the pleasant atmosphere created by the candlelight and the incense, wondering about the journey and slowly drifted off to sleep. I must state that while I at times felt fear - being afraid I might remain in that other body, that the person I was inhabiting would fall - I never experienced outright terror. I was aware of the danger but I also knew that Salvia wouldnīt intentionally do me any harm. Salvia isnīt a revengeful smiting god, rather a patient old teacher. The only really unpleasant things are the steel channels that constrict me.
This morning I awoke, feeling very rested and at ease. I was deeply in thought, however, thinking about my experiences and how in the last few days my world has changed. I still wouldnīt consider myself 'mystic' in any way, but anyone reading this report (including myself
) must find this hard to believe. My rational side keeps mocking me, telling me it was all just my imagination, but it does so in a very defensive way, trying to preserve something that is already lost -- a rationalist, fully materialist worldview that cannot be upheld any longer. I would have laughed my head off at this report had I read it a year ago, and I wouldnīt have really believed it four days ago, I would have said itīs a hallucination, a product of your own imagination, but what I experienced was as real as can be. I guess thatīs what makes you think nothing 'unreal' is happening. The strangest things seem so normal that you donīt notice this isnīt your basic everyday life - well, in the moment youīre experiencing it, it _is_ your reality. Iīve spent all afternoon writing this report, and on rereading I still feel the power very strongly. I feel calm but Iīm still wondering what the journey will be like once I do find the courage to follow my Guide.
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