Debugging the Brain... Root Access
Mushrooms - P. cyanescens
Citation: someguy. "Debugging the Brain... Root Access: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cyanescens (exp105186)". Erowid.org. Aug 14, 2019. erowid.org/exp/105186
For a while I have been researching the therapeutic benefits of hallucinogens and how they unlock the subconscious, with results that are nothing short of amazing, but requiring proper awareness and work on oneself. I am not religious, but do feel that there is much more to life than just this. However, it's more intellectual, and not felt. In reading of psychology and other mystical shaman experiences, I saw a common thread: The idea of trial by fire, armed with knowledge and an openness to want to grow.
I've read some Castaneda on Don Juan before, but never focused much on it. But after the trip reading excerpts from "The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge" about the 4 natural enemies of a man of knowledge really fit this narrative. (I will point them out in my trip and how they pertain to the growth of knowledge). It also reminds me of the idea of narratives/stories being a way for the psyche to create a framework for experiencing reality, and how important that they are objective as possible, where knowledge is critical for growth.
I had an experience about 12 days ago, with 3.2g of dried whole cubensis (golden teacher) and it was fun, new, warm, awesome. I did kind of pass out though when going to the bathroom, waking up with a small glitch of reality, but luckily safe and not hurt. There were none of the time loops or mind fscks came to me, despite being interested in them. Good effects but felt like there was something deeper to be wanted.
So, 12 days later, on Xmas eve, I decided to try something new that I got, psilocybe cyanescens in powder form. I measured out carefully about 2.4 g, which the dosage calculator on shroomery said was equivalent to 3.6 of cubensis. The vendor said 1g is nice, 2g is strong and 3g is the limit. With my own foolishness and feeling of despair about life (despite being lucky in many ways- I did not feel it), I wanted to go a little further.
I put the 2.4g in a cup and added lemon juice (dubbed lemon-tek on forums).
I prepared a bucket in case of nausea by the couch. I also made sure I had plenty of water around in case I got thirsty and couldn't get up (instead of passing out like last time, which I feel took away from the learning... or was I not prepared then? Hmmm).
The start of the trip was quick due to the lemon-tek. I was hearing the high pitch 'brain noise' within 5 minutes and starting to see colors more vividly. Within 15 minutes the visuals came and I started to feel like laying down to watch something on television. I turned the Simpsons on and it started to feel like a long time has passed and even though I was enjoying the show, it felt too strong for me and loud. So I switched to an adult alternative station and decided to relax and look at the ceiling.
The music was flowing and I felt emotions pass through me, like last time. But at some point it got a bit uncomfortable. My senses got so strong that I had the volume at 3 where normally 10 is needed to hear things clearly. After a while music would occasionally repeat and/or slow down for me. I started to feel like I should move onto more inner experience and stopped the music. I kept the thought in my mind that I shouldn't try to control this, because I am looking to grow past where I am now.
Laying down, I was telling myself to take care of myself because I didn't want to hurt myself. Normally, people would say this brings a bad trip, but I felt like awareness and knowledge can help me challenge myself instead of get involved in subjective entertainment. Boy, I realized that when you ask 'god' or whoever for something, you will get it and pay for it! (As Gurdjieff has said, pay full and pay in advance- how's that for non-linearity and trust?)
It got to the point where I started going into time loops and thought loops. The clock did not seem to want to budge. Meanwhile, I was reassuring myself that I am ok, and I am here. It was nice to have my arms wrapped around my chest, like a self hug, to comfort myself and know I am not alone, that I am here with myself (trust in a higher power, or just trust in general).
It got horrifying, I was hearing noises from the tenants downstairs, feeling like maybe I was actually tripping bad and making them call 911... and I could have been imagining that I was on my couch. I kept having a hard time dealing with the noises, worrying to not upset people- not to want to disturb their Xmas Eve. Everything from the past, including the first trip was doubted as real, I questioned my own judgement whether I made up a false positive significance to them. I had to will myself that I am doing well and this will be over when it has to be over. It was that seed of trust in things that was like the thread of Ariadne which helped Theseus get out of the labyrinth.
(And this is where I see Don Juan's explanation of #1 fear links to the experience. Perhaps by passing out I could have escaped the fear, or by choosing to 'warm up the experience' with music, if possible, I could avoid this self-test. But a part of me trusted that I needed to do this without disassociating or distracting myself.)
Slow by slow, in almost eternity, I was regaining things that would only come if I surrendered and trusted in things. Hearing the neighbors would bring me back to fear which would keep testing me. I was teaching myself how to let go, through challenge, I noticed the noises could be misinterpreted by myself. I realized I am not the center of attention, but just me, on my couch. I realized that I had to stop feeling like life revolved around me, because it goes on with or without me. That sobering realization was like the light you barely see as you come towards the end of a tunnel (knowing that you will be out of it at some time). I started remembering that I can't be too sure of anything, but I had to put trust in life and the universe to work. It reminded me of the shamanic stories of getting in touch with the divine. But it is not the goal to stay there, but to use it to reconnect to life, to stop trying to be my own god and stop enslaving myself. It was beautiful and loving, to feel, to think about, to be there. Liberation?! GRATEFULNESS AND CALM!
The mental/emotional jiu-jitsu didn't end then as I expected. Tricks would come to my conscious, more tests- or teachings? that would set me straight.
(This is where number 2: Clarity comes into play. Something in me was making sure I did not fall for this clarity as the solution. It was realizing that fear itself is not to be removed, but respected and I have to learn how to properly face it. The flashes of Clarity were intoxicating, but it wasn't the end goal. Logically that wouldn't make sense anyway- then why would anything happen?)
The new jiu-jitsu lesson came... I felt like I was in control, fear is temporary, clarity is temporary, but I could trust myself, because damn - I did it! It was a huge ego boost, but a short one, thank god. Sadness came, thoughts of being a fool for assuming that this is the goal... no, I am a tiny speck- it is not mine to control, I don't own it. I am serving something else. I realized that I had a purpose to not be all, but to serve all.
(Here's where Don Juan's description of #3 power comes into play: It was also intoxicating, to think I was in control. But that was a contradiction to just do what I want to do. No, I am aware for a purpose, and that is to use the power as a tool that is borrowed. Fsck existentialism, LOL. The humility was refreshing and connected well).
Of course during all of this, small things would pop up to test me... And I would remind myself that these are the things that made the natives turn from boys into men. The narrative was very important to have, as we live according to archetypes, shadows of a higher reality.
(The last enemy, #4 old age wasn't addressed in my experience. I suppose it is something that is the final test. Perhaps it is the challenge to not stop fighting for objectivity... the hope that there is still a duty beyond this life?).
I went to the bathroom to have a cigarette and use the bathroom. Funny, I was worried that I would have to use the bathroom at the start of the trip, but it never worried me during the trip. My body taught me that it can be depended on! Love you, body.
The most humor came out at that time, I kept laughing at how it was my own self that was testing and trying me. It was probably because cause and effect were gone in those time loops, giving me sort of like a 'debug' ability to rewrite bugged code. The humor reminded me of the term 'cosmic joke', which only made it more funny. The lines from the song 'Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)' came to my mind and gave me small tears:
'The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself'
I was still feeling strange, coming down, and felt like watching TV. I put on a great music video that has always stirred my emotions of sadness and joy: King Crimson 'Starless' and the tears of joy and sadness flowed... it was amazing and cleansing- feeling the instruments speak to me and the lyrics/tone of his voice. Then I remembered that Joe Cocker died and as a tribute I put on his cover of 'I get by with a little help from my friends' which gave me tears of love.
Some more laughs and the realization of, wow, crap you pulled yourself through this battle and are better for it, and it will help you grow and become more aware!
I relaxed some more, reflecting on the experience, with some more joy and giggles... thinking of the rites of passage in many native cultures, where near death experiences build a story of one's purpose in life.
Then the whole idea of narratives, stories, and archetypes put a nice cap on it. It was something that society wasn't able to give me. Heck, I still feel like modern society is anti nature, anti reality... but well, some of us can't just be a drone, and strive for a connection with objectivity.
I went to sleep after laying in the dark, relaxing in quiet for a while. I had a vivid dream that connected to the experience:
I was around some people, one big guy was blaming me for killing his friend by giving him shrooms. The other guys were very angry too. I kept trying to say sorry and explain that I didn't intend to kill him but it was his choice to go that way. This didn't work... the big guy came to my car and slammed his hands on the window, threatening harm to me. I wasn't scared, but I stood up and told him if he does that again, or threatens me, I will fight back, but I don't want to. He backed off with his friends and walked away.
(If it was relative to me, I suppose that could be some sort of fear that I killed a part of myself... and the 'old friends' of it were trying to blame me for that. Who knows?)
The final lesson- you can't outsmart yourself. That's the most humbling thing, and I still sometimes laugh at how I messed with myself through this trip!
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