Citation: Ender. "Almost Complete Separation From Source: An Experience with DMT (exp104758)". Erowid.org. May 6, 2021. erowid.org/exp/104758
||20 - 40 mg
Prior to this incident, I have had DMT approximately 30 times. Mainly using smaller doses to create a link between the molecule and myself when not under the influence of it. The DMT molecule helped me profoundly a few months after having life changing spiritual awakening experiences while not under the influence of drugs. This conscious link with the molecule had been found and therefore a very light dose of DMT will now send me to places that many people cannot seem to go unless on much higher doses.
This particular time however, was a very bad trip. I experienced the furthest amount of separation a being can experience from the source. I had seen this void many times in my life before, just before fainting as a child and teenager. The last time I saw it was only weeks before I began to see deeper layers of reality on a day to day basis. I had never, however seen it in such clarity.
I was in a level and calm fairly calm mood. I had never tried this particular batch of DMT before, and upon exhaling it, was quickly aware that it was very different to the types I had had before. As the visual and audial geometries and dismantling of the identity construct progressed, I became uncomfortable, and began to have flashbacks of leaving reality when fainting in a hyperconscious state as a child and teenager (Doctors could not diagnose this condition. I believe it had something to do with my inability to cope with the experience of separation from the source, created by the culture I was raised in). I didn't mean to have this much, It was confusing, brutal, visceral. This propelled me to what could be understood as a link backward in time, to a time when I held strong atheistic beliefs, did not understand consciousness, had not awakened to the eternal nature of reality, was incredibly uncomfortable with the existential questions that science had not answered (yet had really dogmatically assumed answers anyway) and the cold reality that has been created around science.
I felt a 'lock', and suddenly understood that I had crossed the point from which the trip could change to another point on the emotional spectrum. I could not let go of my ego, and everything negative I had ever thought about myself came flooding in like a tsunami. An entity appeared in front of my open eyes. She looked like some sort of African goddess, constantly morphing depending on how I felt about her. She was fractal, everywhere I looked. She was telling me telepathically that she had complete control over me, and would do with me whatever she wished. I had met her before in another DMT trip. She will leave if I overcome my problems. Thatís what she comes to me for. She is not evil, but this time she was telling me everything I didn't want to hear.
I had to leave the room. Two of my friends were in the room with me, not on DMT. I was experiencing extreme paranoia and felt that they hated me. I got up and said 'I've got to go'. One of my mates just said 'I love you' to me as I started to walk, which did help me momentarily, but the African woman was far more powerful than anyone in the 3rd dimension. I went to my room. I could hear my mates talking, and everything they were saying was being distorted into violent and hateful words directed towards me. I layed down and decided that I must confront this all. I must experience it for everything that it is. As I moved through deeper levels of thought, I felt completely and absolutely disconnected from the universe. The woman was still there, speaking to me. I eventually reached the void, and felt that I finally had found some truth. I could see the tiny point of light that facilitated my connection to the universe. It was so small. The size of an atom is an appropriate description. I felt my body becoming simply matter. I was leaving this body for good, or so I thought. I accepted this and told myself that the only thing that can be relied upon in the universe is its infinite nature and constant change. I could not be here forever. Time had extended itself in massive amounts. A second felt like a year, if you could even put it in linear terms.
Eventually, things stabilized and the trauma of the trip started to wear off. I would come to understand later how this trip would benefit my evolution. It defined to me all of my negative subconscious beliefs. I believe that the DMT had been extracted in a way that caused a negative accumulation of energy. Perhaps the acacia was killed in the process, perhaps the people making it did not respect the process. I donít know. I know that this DMT did feel VERY different to previous types of DMT I have smoked. I didnít get any higher knowledge on this trip. Or maybe I did?
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