Citation: Radium. "A Retrospective of Addiction: An Experience with MDMA, Ketamine, Methoxetamine & Etizolam (exp104664)". Erowid.org. Nov 14, 2014. erowid.org/exp/104664
Throughout most of my teenage and adult life, I have had some kind of contact with a variety of different drugs. I started smoking weed at the age of 13 and did so frequently with friends until around 18. I still smoke weed infrequently these days, but not like I used to. Here I am writing a retrospect of some of my experiences with drugs, particularly drugs I became addicted to.
I first tried MDMA back when I was 17, about 6 months before I turned 18. It was fantastic. The intensity and depth of the feelings (physical & emotional) I felt, was glorious. I had amazing talks with my closest friends – solidifying my already strong bonds with those I loved. I continued for the next 4-5 years to use MDMA with varying frequency: every 1-3 weeks (weekends mostly), with periods of abstinence of up to 6 months. Taking MDMA with close friends was magical at the beginning; going to clubs to listen to good music or at house parties, it felt perfect. After a while however, the comedowns started getting to me. After starting university in September 2010, I noticed I would get anxious and paranoid on occasion after taking MDMA, particularly in combination with Ketamine (discussed a little later). Restful sleep after taking MDMA was often impossible and I found my mind would slowly consume itself with dark, depressing thoughts while lying awake. It has only been fairly recently (September 2013), after several bad experiences, that I have simply decided to take indefinite leave from taking MDMA.
I enjoyed MDMA for several reasons. To name a few: It made music sound amazing, I could listen to the music I love and gain a completely different perspective. It gave me an emotional connection to people, and gave me deep thoughts and philosophical conversation. Physically, it felt wonderful – just lying on a carpet felt like floating on clouds.
MDMA could be a very sharp double-edged sword however. Comedowns were too unpredictable. Sometimes I would feel fine; sometimes I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. Often the comedown period would encroach on my daily business – making doing perfectly normal things horrendously difficult. I would begin to destructively self-analyse myself, obsessing over things I’d said/done, how I looked etc. Considering I have had problems with my image and self-esteem in the past, this could be disastrous. There comes a time when you realise you just don’t have time to feel like this. There’s a lot going on in life right now and I can’t afford to waste time feeling down because I took a substance.
I find it very easy to not get drawn into taking MDMA any more, even when everyone around me (at a party for example) is taking it. All I have to do is remember the times when I felt like the world was ending on a comedown and that’s enough to discourage me. I do feel a certain kind of smug when leaving a party just having drunk alcohol, and all I have to worry about is getting a kebab on the way home.
The first time I tried Ketamine was around a year after I tried MDMA. Me and a couple of friends were told about it by another friend, who said he took some with MDMA and hallucinated butterflies and rainbow colours. Needless to say, we thought this sounded pretty cool. We were put in contact with a dealer through this friend and bought our first gram. Now, we had no idea how much to take to start with. We’d had no information on how to take it or how much to use, except our friend who showed us an arbitrary amount with his fingers and told us to ‘just snort it’. We ended up taking far too much of course, and spent the next while slumped around my room finding it difficult to talk or move. While my two friends showed no desire to really repeat this experience, I got totally sucked into the world of K.
It began with just getting the occasional gram every month or two from the original dealer and experimenting at home. This was around the time I discovered the ‘K Hole’. The K Hole was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was totally new and alien, like seeing things for the first time once again. When entering a K Hole, I witnessed my room (where I had the majority of my ketamine experiences) morphing, changing into somewhere completely different. Sometimes I would be surrounded by familiar people or entities. Often I would watch a film while tripping and get sucked into it – becoming part of the film. These K Hole experiences were very intense and I lusted after the feeling.
I loved the paradoxical sense of being disconnected from mind & body, yet connected with something grand. I would often feel a sort of connection with the universe, an understanding on a cosmic scale. The boundaries of my body and personality would become more and more blurred before returning. I would sometimes hear a sound in the background like a giant engine running, which added to the magnitude of the experiences. There were times when I took it too far however, and experienced something akin to my personality fragmenting. My thoughts would become more and more non-linear and bizarre during one of these experiences, that it felt almost like there were multiple people inside my head. A handful of the experiences were frightening and ominous. I found Ketamine combined with MDMA extremely pleasant in small amounts and could be very frightening if too much Ketamine was consumed. I remember one experience at a club, being very high off several doses of MDMA and insufflating a large amount of Ketamine. I remember I stopped being able to recognize my surroundings, in particular, my friends. People’s faces started warping and twisting until everyone looked like some kind of evil, dwarfish parody of their former selves. I found myself extremely confused and had to be guided round the club to sit down by my friends (who I did not recognize at this point in time).
My addiction propagated wildly when the original dealer introduced me to his business associate – a 50-year-old woman called P. I struck up an extremely unhealthy relationship with P, who was a little insane. I would often spend large amounts of money buying Ketamine from her (amounts anywhere from £20-200), and would spend time at her house. She knew I had an addiction however did nothing to advise or stop me. Why would she? She was making money off me. My friends and family started noticing something was up with me, but I lied and lied to them. At the time I thought of my habit as more valuable than people’s love and trust in me.
My parents discovered me several times in full K Hole, which absolutely terrified them. It has taken a long time for me to realise what I must’ve looked like in that state – Blank stare, immobile, unresponsive. It all came to a head on one occasion when I took a research chemical called Etizolam (bought online, which I’ll cover later), apparently went to Penny’s house, consumed a large amount of K and had to have my parents pick me up. I have no memory of this. At this point they realised there was a huge problem and sent me to counseling. It took me a long time to admit I had a problem, I thought there was nothing wrong with my habit but it was worrying everyone around me so much.
I discovered the world of online drugs just before my second year in university. Boredom, coupled with looking for some new experiences drove me to purchase a wide range of different chemicals over the next couple of years.
One notable one was Methoxetamine (MXE), which was legal for a period of time and easily available online. I had a fascination with drugs similar to Ketamine and would purchase things like MXE when K wasn’t available (sometimes even when it was available). I enjoyed experimenting with all these different new kinds of drugs, looking for the epic, grand-scale trips I had become familiar with on Ketamine. I found MXE lasted far longer and had more worrying effects in high dosages. In low doses MXE simply added some ‘sparkle’ to the world, with things looking more interesting or sparkly and some low-level euphoria. In high doses however, I could become very manic and would often get delusional. There were times when I thought my flatmates (I was living away from home in my second year of university) were whispering outside my door about me, or saying my name, making me very paranoid while coming down from MXE. The high dosage experiences had a very powerful feeling of godliness and delusional mania, which could be extremely dangerous considering I sometimes felt like I could take on the world. Due to the long duration of the drug, I would often spend 6-8 hours out of my mind. Typically, the high-dose experiences were accompanied by a sense of content confusion and great euphoria during the comeup and the peak, changing into a paranoid anxiousness while coming down. Often I would not realise how high I was when going to talk to people, resulting in my flatmates also becoming very worried about my behaviour.
A few other drugs similar to K I experimented with were: 3-MeO-PCP/4-MeO-PCP, Diphenidine, and most recently, Methoxphenidine. I have no idea of the long or short term effects of any of these compounds, and I fear I may have affected my health in some way which I will regret later in life. At least ketamine had been around for years and has been studied in the past. Some of these compounds could have been lethal, particularly as one of the characteristics of most Ketamine-like substances is that they cause amnesia. Often I would not realise how ridiculously high I was and would walk around and use public transport. I could’ve broken bones and not realised. There is very little information about these drugs out there, save for a handful of personal experiences on certain forums. As each person is different, what may be a weak dose for one person may be lethal for another.
Etizolam was another drug I became very attached to, very similar to the benzodiazepine class of drugs with members such as Valium and Xanax. Etizolam was stronger and lasted much longer than many standard benzos. Again, cheap and easily available online so I jumped on the opportunity. Like Valium or Xanax, Etizolam is dangerously addictive. It made me sleepy whenever I took it, but was also accompanied by a strong euphoria. A very important aspect of Etizolam is that it is a strong amnesiac; I often would not remember anything when taking higher doses or combining it with other drugs. This resulted in some extremely dangerous situations as my behavior would often be out of character and impulsive when under the influence of Etizolam. It caused me to lose some control of my movement too, so I would often act as if drunk when on it. Effects after a high dose would often last well into the next day, causing worry for people around me as I was obviously not in my right mind: forgetting things, asking the same questions twice, slurring my words, stumbling and falling etc.
Again, no research has been done on Etizolam so I have no idea what taking such high doses has done to me. It’s taken me a long long time to realise how damaging my behavior has been in the past, but I’m glad with how much I’ve learned from my actions. I’ve been struggling on and off with drugs for a very long time and recently got put on 50mg/day Sertraline for anxiety. I believe this has helped my situation and I’m now studying a masters degree, have a girlfriend and am very happy in life! I will still never forget the road I’ve come down and the addictions I feel are still hovering just above my shoulder…
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