Worth It in the End
Citation:   Rachel. "Worth It in the End: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp104621)". Erowid.org. Jul 28, 2019. erowid.org/exp/104621

20 mg oral 4-AcO-DMT
This was during the summer a few months ago.

For a little background, I have struggled with depression and anxiety (as is usually the combination) for the past few years. I would go through cycles of 2-3 weeks of borderline happiness, then a month or two of inexplicable deep sadness and lack of motivation. I made excuses to stay home, never looked at anyone in the eye when I spoke to them, and avoided talking at all during class. Whenever I did talk to someone, I would become flushed and stumble horribly over my words. I walked awkwardly because I cared too much about what others thought. Anxiety attacks were pretty common too, and I found going outside usually helped, although when I was in Jamaica nothing I did could help subside the effects.

Anyway, I'd been reading into different 'research chemicals' to try (completely unrelated to my problems mentioned above), and I'd eventually settled on 4 aco dmt because I had never tried a tryptamine. When I got the package, I popped a 20mg pill later that night at around 11 and waited for the effects by going onto my laptop. I don't remember exact times, due to time dilation and this experience being a while ago. The reason I'm only writing now is because I've recommended it to someone else and I have yet to see a trip on the internet that was anything like what I experienced so hopefully if someone reads this, they may be more aware of what they might experience their first time.

T+0: Washed down the pill with water and fooled around on reddit for a while.

T+20: the effects were beginning to become apparent: my breathing slowed down dramatically (or so it seemed) and I had to force myself to breathe because it felt like I didn't have to breathe. I remember having a really smooth inhale and exhale.
I remember having a really smooth inhale and exhale.
To make 100% positive I was breathing I held my fingers under my nose. Yeah, weird haha. I was beginning to experience euphoria, complete relaxation of all muscles, and absence of pain. Slight visual trails and warping of my environment also started.The text on my laptop screen started sliding around and purple doubles of the letters appeared. When I typed, my hands looked slender and alien. The white curtains in the living room flowed like milk down towards the floor, and everything was moving like water, but contained in its own shape. The cabinets and furniture in my house became very geometric in the sense that all frayed ends/aesthetic decals smoothed off into solid pieces. It was fucking amazing.

T+40: I was so entranced by the purple/green geometric visuals on my ceiling that I swear I got lost in it. I forgot where I was for a while and my entire world became those visuals. Swirls morphed into diamonds and it was just unreal. I was at complete ease and nothing could go wrong. If I hadn't put my hands over my chest, I never would have noticed my heart was racing it was that peaceful. I tried turning some chillstep on, and after a while the sound stopped coming from the speakers and was just everywhere. It became too much as it seemed to become my mind, if that makes sense, so I went back to silence.

T+60?? This is where time really started dilating. During this time I must have checked the clock at least a million times thinking it's been hours, only to have found 1 minute pass. My thoughts went from vacant and happy to really deep and any human bias/filter I have went away. I looked at myself in the mirror (previously not being really fond of my body) and realized that we are only an alien species traveling on a rock in space. I found the human body cute (in the same way we find deer beautiful and graceful creatures). This is where it went downhill, though.

I realized, among hundreds of other things, there was no meaning of life, that my life was insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and that there's really no need for half of the stuff we accumulate in our house (as a species). During all this, I was crying and pleading with ??? to stop my trip because the reality was too harsh to bear. It's difficult to explain, but all I wanted was to get away from my mind. Of course, I couldn't. I tried sleeping, but found I couldn't get away from the thoughts that were pervading my mind.
I couldn't get away from the thoughts that were pervading my mind.
I even ended up convincing myself that the periods of wake and sleep we go through don't even exist, and that the mind just is.

At this point I had my eyes clenched shut and was curled up in my bed. When I had opened my eyes, my blanket was rolling like a calm ocean, and it was this I was clinging to. In my mind, I was above myself, but in the dark. I could see a road full of major life events, and my mind was flying down this road really fast, going past these events. This event happens, then this, then this, then we die. I was still crying, but it probably wasn't as apparent on the outside. It was comparable to those times I feel sick and extremely uncomfortable, but no matter how I move, I feel just as bad as I did when I started (I don't know if anyone else feels this but yeah).

It was a while later I started feeling the thoughts recede. They were still there ('You push people away', 'you have no best friends', 'your life is little', and other harsh realities of myself), but I could feel myself coming down from that 'higher consciousness' and I began crying in relief because it was almost over. I just lay there shaking, eyes closed in the fetal position, waiting for sleep to take me. Just before it did, I remember discovering that other people are the only reason for living. No matter my financial or environmental situation, as long as I have others to depend on, my life has meaning.

I woke up the next morning after a good night's sleep and felt great. In fact, since then, not only have I not had a panic attack, but I haven't relapsed into those weeks of continual darkness. I wait for it to come back, but there's been absolutely no sign. I wouldn't do it again unless I absolutely had to, but I am beyond glad that I decided to.

This is the reason I recommended this psychedelic to my friend. He's in the same place I was, and it hurts me to think that. I realize that these shouldn't be used as scripts in any way, but he seems adamant on trying some so I'm giving him one.

Exp Year: 2014ExpID: 104621
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Jul 28, 2019Views: 2,548
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4-AcO-DMT (387) : Difficult Experiences (5), Depression (15), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), First Times (2), Alone (16)

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