Citation: dilated_pupils. "Sychronicity is Playing Hide and Seek: An Experience with MDPV (exp104529)". Erowid.org. Dec 24, 2016. erowid.org/exp/104529
For such a long time I've been in a haze, not by fault of one particular incidence but because my 'box' had been trampled on. My theoretical box is one of which has been a conditioning that I've been accustomed too for my entire life; much like that of an unborn to it's mothers womb.
I guess no explanation is in order for what would occur if it was taken or messed with.
To put it lightly & yet simple, imagine a world where you see as you normally would, and yet the perceptions of many at once, and have no idea how to explain such an occurance.
I don't think words would suffice, and yet here I type.
Knowing many things that are impossible to explain yet I know are possible is not far from fathomable. Knowing what's acceptable to me becomes a chore; the slightest of things can be seen delibertly wrong in expectation for reaction(s). When in such a haze, as a knowingly fair person, I imagine the OCD with my every day things. Well, synchronicity is playing hide and seek.
A long time ago, about 2yrs ago this report starts. It all started with a dose of karma and some mdpv -- above the drug it shall be!
This first experience with the drug mdpv led me to a place beyond a high, a point where the drug was no longer taken, days later the high still elevated. The most amazing part is that it was a shared experience, in no way no how was this completely surreal, it was evident that a true event had occurred.
From there it was a while before the drug mdpv was introduced to me -- this time I noticed the same effects (somewhat worry of the past experience being easily entwined with the new) and I seemed to know the limits of life but took the time to enjoy being a bit reckless rather than include what I've been through into my life like I usually would. I had a few experiences that were unmistakeably unable to be explained, not just by words, science quivered at the illogical becoming real.
I actually had found myself within an experience that would come down much later than I'd believe, it was no longer possible a pyrovalerone was capable of such things not to mention it physically was not in my system.
Realization that I was having a long 'experience' (when I say experience I mean I'm meticulously working on myself and surroundings while at the same time aware of such but acting in a manner that suffices to what is going on).
Would I ever come back? I never left; crap! I've been here before.
I seemed to have an understanding that no drug was needed in life to achieve happiness let alone control of myself. This feeling has yet to diminish but it's growth can be detererating if not kept at a pace I can handle.
I had a while where I'd get caught in loops of the same issue - usually the answer was something so simple and eventually I'd find my base. Eventually I found those loops easy to overcome but it took what seemed a lifetime.
On or off a pyrovalerone derivative I found myself in places that I can only begin to explain, knowledge at the fingertips yet no words able to explain in a sense another would incorporate into their life. I admit it always takes two; another person can do nothing but help you.
Speechless most the time (opposite of my usual person) I felt stuck. I honestly knew there was a place beyond a drug, without it, that was always achievable, yet there were always the most humane subjective such as stigmas that led to the use once again.
After demolishing such things and rebuilding in many ways (my character traits were now, at my fingertips to change at my will). Control of myself was amazing but it gets to be so much that I want normalcy. All the while those around me are at their normalcy and my perspective is stuck in break down mode. For the first time in my life I swore an amphetamine would be helpful, and for the reasons prescribed (so be it - I've never found any help with amphetamines before this time).
I focused a lot on conditioning for a long time, until I realized the conditions around me can only be controlled so much -- imagine this broken down to a macro molecule and being aware of all such around you. Sound pleasant? It surprisingly can be.
I realized being sober was not going to lay this 'experience' to rest. I had completely quit every drug for a few months, including rx meds to find out the underlying cause to this continuance.
The pyrovalerone family was pointless because they would just placed me right back to where I began - what I call the 'endless bag'. No need for more this will suffice forever, or as long as I need it to.
When a drug only produces side effects and I'm aware of such, it'd be dumb to continue usage in such a manner as addiction especially.
Last bag ever of mdpv was dumped out in a trash can, after proving to myself that it was not the drug but something I could not explain.
I took a look at my past 7 months of usage on and off, now sober, and I can suffice to say it was ridiculously low in terms of time span, and potential for overuse/abuse. Approx. 7 grams or so had went to myself, and after noting most others seemed to go through a gram within (sometimes but rarely or seemingly impossible to me) one night.
Usage was anywhere from IV 20-30mgs, but the above probably shows it cut usage down quite a bit. Liquid insufflation was also a good method of administration and dosage was quite easy.
It took me a long time to really get my head straight enough to walk a path I was okay with, getting up was a chore - my mind running faster than explainable. Everything I did and said was so generic yet I put forth so much effort in even making conversation (I'd constantly want to fix things for others - had a bad day? Let me break it down) It get's annoying when I know that it'd make no sense, yet help, but was just not an acceptable way of living. I still have trouble trying to explain this so much that re-conditioning is most likely the focus currently.
Over the past few months I've done a-pvp a few times, each putting me back in that 'place' but then spiraling out but not back in. I focused on my health as much as possible, natural supplements that I've come to believe are perfect for my regime.
Slowly I saw little help with a drug once again - after the psychiatrist/neuro route which still ends with my head hurting, me unable to explain properly and everyone trying to help something they cannot see or/nor do not understand completely.
The only thing now is to realize one thing, I need nothing but a moment. A moment I can hold onto - that
moment can contain whatever I wish and be a lifetime of good things. Or torment. I learn from both I've found.
We do need to see the error in our upbringing -- it's as simple as good food and clean water, and being there for one another. Simple things = big outcomes.
Simplicity * Synchronicity are to be cherished.
Admittingly it seems I need to find a suitable 'synthetic' perspective to blend into what society has created for me. As much as I love purity the best sometimes available may be a synthetic.
I've found a nice trio but once again it's really just a joke when I realize it's all the same in the end - the high is just to keep me occupied while my mind races into confusion.
A-pvp + pentedrone + 4-mec + IV = a sure way to some place... Redosing? Nope... But the endless bag appears... Yet again.
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