Citation: Ricket. "Loss of Control and Detachment From Reality: An Experience with 4-Methylmethcathinone (exp103811)". Erowid.org. Aug 29, 2018. erowid.org/exp/103811
I am an 18 years old high school student from Germany and the experience that I will tell you about was prom night two weeks ago. As I thought 'this is a rare occasion' I did not really pay much attention to how much I consumed. Also I had ordered quite a lot because it is fairly difficult for me to get Mephedrone. In a group I usually am the one who reminds the others of setting a limit for the night and not having all the M with them all the time. That night I did not stick to this principle. However, let's start at the beginning.
After most of the teachers and parents had left the prom (at about 1 o clock) we started to snort. I tell you a bit about how lower doses of M feel (I have just snorted a few lines so I'll give you a 'live description'). I always start to feel the first effects when that chemic taste runs down my throat. Then l become active, absolutely euphoric and have the urge to move my body. My thinking is absolutely clear and fast; or thats at least how I perceive it. My body feels relaxed and energetic at the same time. At the moment I cant really sit still. Some parts of my body always move a little and my jaw also acts as it pleases ;) My heart rate increases significantly and I often still have a higher pulse the next morning.
So most of the time I was just outside of the prom location talking to various people and enjoying the night. I had an amazing experience when I went on a walk with a friend of mine who is usually very very silent and introverted. On M I had the feeling that for the first time I really talked, or better meaningfully communicated, with him. By a river in the city we sat down and I was overwhelmed by the beauty of this night. This feeling and slight changes in perception have I only experienced on MDMA before. However, I could have sat there the whole night, but we figured that we should go back to the prom and our friends. So we entered the hall and I started to dance always trying to avoid any teachers who where still there. Most of my friends have also taken M this evening so that there were two groups on the dancefloor. The people who simply drank and danced casually or stood around. And us, about 5 people in their fine suits who danced as if there were no tomorrow. We must have drawn the whole attention of the hall on us, but we didnt care.
After the prom (at about 4 'o clock) we went to a small club in the city. Before that I prepared a bomb for a friend who was disappointed of the effects and it was big one. At that moment I did not even think about how such a large dose is probably not good for a first-timer... Fortunately he did not eat it and gave it back to me. I later directly ate it when I found it in my pocket. I did not think about what this would do to me; my brain basically said: 'Hmm what do we have here? Oh, some M. Yummy' ... and it was gone. Everybody who saw us must have directly realised what was going on and the bouncer even made some stupid comments. In the club I danced my ass off until I went with some other guys to a friend's to come down and smoke some weed. Actually though I knew the guys very well. And I knew that they were getting fucked up because they always do :) Sadly this was exactly what I wanted at that moment.
So at the friend's the first thing we did was snorting a few lines... 'just to stay awake a little longer'. It was 6 o' clock in the morning and we all were already pretty drugged. During the whole 'session' we smoked crazy amounts of weed (I really have iron lungs on M). Mephedrone mixed with Weed is pleasurable in my experience but it fucks up my brain. The weed messes with my thoughts and the M accelerates them and makes them feel clear and well-considered. Then there is also what we use to call 'fly memory'. While we probably had the deepest and coolest discussions, I cant recall a single issue we talked about. In addition to that, if we all were silent for only like 3 seconds or if someone said a long interlaced sentence, we (5 people!) would collectively just forgot what we were talking about and this happened so often... But I do remember that it was very funny and we laughed often and sometimes about the most banal things.
However, until now the evening was great and a lot of fun. But at some point (about 7.30) I became absolutely exhausted, the others were partly talking and hanging in their chairs and I didnt want it to be over. My hard cravings made me snort far too big lines
I didnt want it to be over. My hard cravings made me snort far too big lines
but the others were going pretty fast as well. And if you accidentally put a little more on the table you are most certainly not going to put it back in the baggy.
From then on the evening started to get weird. I continually moved some body part but I was not at all able to stand up. I was so damn exhausted as well as the others who all just lay in their seats. Yet it was a comfortable body feeling. My brain didnt really work anymore. It was all kind of surreal.
Then happened what scared me the most afterwards and what has changed my opinion on chemical drugs respectively stimulants profoundly. When everyone stopped snorting, I was kindly told to better stop as well. But I didnt want to. So my brain reached the perfectly reasonable conclusion to go the toilet- where no one sees me- and to dip fucking mountains of mephedrone. In retrospect I am honestly just disgusted by myself. Not by the amounts but by the fact that I hid on the toilet from my friends to take more, not able to appreciate what I have.
Somewhen (time didnt exist anymore, we just stared at the wall and didnt move a bit for 6 hours whereupon the first 4 hours went by extremely fast and the last 2 felt like weeks) everything started to get a little different which I didnt recognize at first because I knew nothing about high doses of M. I just had the feeling that everyone who came into my field of view was a stranger for the first second. I also had to make quite the effort to turn the water on as I just stood in front of the sink wondering what it was for. My thought processes were almost always somehow disrupted or I forgot them. Everything felt weird and unreal. I kind of stuck to the concept that I only exist within this room and that I will never experience anything else. Then sometimes I forgot where I was or that I have taken drugs. Before I remembered this though my way of thinking and my ideas seemed to be absolutely logical to me.
Around noon we cleaned up a bit and I grabbed my baggy to see how much was gone. When we weighed it, it became clear that I had taken around 3 grams, 4-5 times what I usually (have done M 4 times before) do or would have wanted to do. When we left the house at 3 o clock, I thought I was already quite sober. The cab drive home taught me otherwise. The whole world seemed so surreal (having sat in one room for hours) and I felt detached from reality. Yet everything had a more colorful, brighter look. The next day people entering my field of view still seemed to be strangers at first, I was physically drained and very grumpy. On Monday our 'school's out'-holiday started. On the first day I just isolated myself reading and thinking about how bad the holiday is going to be and how I lost control over myself, which depressed me extremely. It is important to say, that I didnt think that something was wrong with me and that the after-effects of M have passed. Fortunately my best friend, who also took a lot of M, recognized whats up and talked me out of my depression (you cant really explain to anyone how a hangover from chemics feels). However, we both still had changes in our mood and depressive phases for the next two days. I found it scary, that I came to totally different conclusions about things and developed negative emotions towards innocent people, just because I felt 'down'. The analytical skills of the brain and decision-making are probably a lot more influenced by emotions than I thought.
What do I take out of this experience?
I have mainly lost my arrogance of believing that I can control every drug.
I have mainly lost my arrogance of believing that I can control every drug.
Thus I have admitted that I am weak sometimes and that I need not invoke my willpower but alter the exterior conditions for drug abuse. And that there is no shame in doing so. Now I have taken M again but in moderate doses and less enough to know when to stop. And, man, small M doses and redoses are just awesome. I am energetic, euphoric, mentally clear and able to have great conversations. That is how a stimulant should be used or at least how I want to use it.
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